This is the beginning

[optimistic20]

So, I'm one of those people that can't look too far forwad into the future. I can never see my goals reached, so I always look for the quick fix. I restrict (though it's been awhile since I last did that), I purge my seemingly normal sized meals, or I do fad diets. Well, I'm twenty and I hate to think that I've wasted twenty years being fat and unhappy.

So, I've decided this is it. If I stick to waht I'm doing now, then there will be a change, drastic hopefully, in only a few months. I just have to keep telling myself that the change is coming.

Time seems to go by so fast these days and before I know it I'll have wasted another year.

For the past day and a half I've been doing this 4-day diet and working out for like 45 minutes on an elliptical mahcine. I've already lost 4 pounds. I know the weight lost on this diet can easily be put back on if I don't continue to seriously try. I have been taking diuretic pills and laxatives, but only because without them I know that the stuff would not leave my body.

I don't want this to be just another one of my week long diets, I need this to work this time. And I'll tell you why:

1. I'll be turning 21 in April and I want to look hella thin and hot for my first legal venture to a bar.
2. Also I'll be going to Italy for the month of June, and damnit I want to look fine. I want hot Italian boys and men to look at me because I look awesome, not because I'm some fat American girl.
3. I want to be happy with myself and desireable because I want any guy to look at me and approach me romantically, (that's a pathetic story for another day).
4. Because I think people like keira knightley and lindsay lohan (pre-rehab) and other skinny celebs are beautiful, and i can be too.
5. Becuase I want to know what it's like to be thin.

My weight, as of this morning, is an embarassing 202 lbs. That number finally sinks into my brain as huge when I just typed it. Because I'm a nerd I've made an Excel worksheet that tracks and graphs my weight each day. My birthday, as of today, is 97 days away, or almost 14 weeks. So I think my first goal weight should be maybe 152, that's about 3.6 pounds a week. I don't know if this is doable but It's a start. I'll have to see how my body reacts to long-term dieting. Hopefully by June 2nd, when I'll be leaving for Italia, which is 55 days after my birthday, I'll be down to maybe 132. That seems doable? These weights are totally too lofty but whatever, I have nothing to lose from trying, other than weight and self esteem problems.

I have to realize that this is it. If I don't start now, I may as well give up, because I'm only young once, and I don't want to me unhappy anymore.

So this is the beginning. I hope this forum will be a great place of support. (I got a camera for christmas so i'll be documenting with pictures too)


Height: 5'5"
Weight: 202 Lbs
GW1: 152 Lbs
GW2: 132 Lbs

[Fire]

Don't worry... you'll find only support here, at least from me. I don't think you are the only one who is not "strictly" ana/mia, but we all have common goals.

By the way, I speak Italian and one of my new year's resolutions is to go to Italy.

[optimistic20]

[optimistic20]

well i guess i've been doing pretty darn good. i worked out yesterday for a little over an hour. though i felt the piece of chicken i had for dinner was a little bigger than it was supposed to be, i was still rewarded just now when i weighed myself. i've lost ten pounds!!! It's only been three days. I know I can keep losing and keep it off if I just keep doing what I'm doing. I tell myself this numerous times each day because i know that if i slip up once my control will deteriorate.

this is going to be a good year.

[optimistic20]

i feel bad right now. i'm on this strict 4-day diet and i indulged in two glasses of champagne this mid-morning. i'm afraid that this might mess me up. i ate the right lunch, two hard boiled eggs, green beans and pineapple juice and i'm about to go work out for 1hr plus. i really hope this doesn't mess me up.

i went to a website that had a caluculator that told me what i should weigh on certain days if i stuck to exercise and a certain amount of calories per day. i used 600 calories, but i think that may not be doable. but i guess i can see this as a challenge, i mean 600 calories can include meats and veggies in one day, right? i think as along as i have lean meat and then healthy vegetables i should be able to shed the pounds quickly.

well, i better go now and stop using this as workout procrastination.

i'm going to start recording what i eat each day in this journal, because after seeing it written/typed out and noticing how little it is it really makes me feel good.

i'll tell you what, after barely eating anything two glasses of champagne will realy get you buzzed.

[optimistic20]

ugh i'm so bored i could eat a whole loaf of bread. being bored makes me want to eat. hence my return to my journal. i've already posted twice in here today but whatever.

what i had today:

half a grapefruit
two glasses of champagne
two hard boiled eggs
green beans
pineapple juice
small steak
lettuce
tomato
tomato juice

what i did today:
burned 548 calories on the elliptical

i need to find something to either put me to sleep or amuse me, as soon as possible, or i may seriously eat something.

night all. and a final happy new year.

[optimistic20]

Well today is the first day off of my strict diet. I weighed myself this morning and i had gained half a pound, i guess i attribute that to using too much olive oil yesterday. Other than that I'm pretty excited about my 10 pound weight loss. I splurged this morning with a bowl of cereal and a diet coke. But i only plan to have some lettuce and half a turkey burger at lunch and maybe the other half tonight with a few bits of squash and sweet potato. I should work out today for at least an hour again. I need to get into the habit of working out for an hour because i'm leaving for school tomorrow and going to the gym needs to be in my routine. I'm also going to start counting calories better, which will be easier away from home.

I just have to keep telling myself that this is the starting point of my weight loss not the end point. Another ten pounds and it's really going to start showing and I can't wait.

One thing I'm going to try and give up is alcohol. There's too many calories and it makes me eat a lot and makes me hungover (though the vomitting the morning after has its benefits). I know I can do it, I didn't even drink on halloween when I went out and I was fine with it. (After two or so years of bad habits and slight addictions I have a serious problem with being out late at night so I try and get home at a reasonable hour and I feel amazing.)

One thing that makes me really excited is that If I lose all this weight, I'll literally be shrinking in front of my classmates eyes.

If I keep up the happy and positive attitude then I know I'll be successful.

My short term weigh loss goal will be 10 pounds by the 11th. That's a week and a half so I think, or rather, know i can do it.

[omnifabulous]

Ah thats awesome! Congrats on the weightloss! I think you can get to your goal I bet its exciting seeing yourself transform. It is a good point to make sure you think of this as the beginning and not the end. However make sure you really enjoy that you are sticking to your goals and are happy that you are making progress. Ana can get out of hand and it always starts as needing to lose 5 lbs then suddenly your 20 lbs lighter and you still "just need to lose 5 lbs" but yea. It would be so awesome for you to reach your goals and really be able to enjoy it. Good luck and skinny vibes!!

[constance]

Hi optimistic, welcome to the board journals.

We all have a place here, just like Fire said...our goals are the same. We all want to lose weight and be happier with ourselves. The number we seek is individual, but the emotions, wounds, trials and troubles that come with it are very much the same. It is a battle, to be sure. The people here are all wonderful and very supportive.

I have just gone through 2007 and lost over 60 lbs. I was also overweight, so I know exactly where you are coming from. This board was a motivating factor in my success. I am now wanting to lose more...perhaps more than I should. I am not sure what my final goal number is going to be yet. I do know that this year is going to prove to be even more successful for me...and it will be for you too! Keep up the positive attitude and you will lose that weight!!!

constance

[optimistic20]

i appreciate everyone's support so much. i love having this journal; it's like my livejournal but here i can be completely honest with my feelings.

anyway here's my list of food for the day:
bowl of cereal/milk
diet coke
iced espresso drink (only ten calories, my new favorite starbucks item!)
lettuce
6 grape tomatos
turkey burger
light mozzerella cheese stick
spicy mustard
sweet potato

i haven't had enough water today, so i guess i should get on that.
plus i need to exercise before it gets to late.

oh and on BBC america tonight there are two shows i can't wait to watch. one is about a 400+ pound girl and the other is called skinny minnie me and i think it's about journalists who document their attempt at becoming a seize zero? should be interesting. but for now i have to pack and fix dinner.

amazing new food item: instead of tomato soup which has loads calories and carbs i took tomato juice and heated it up and added various italian spices and it was soooo good. plus it had a fraction of the calories as regular tomato soup.

thanks again for the support.

[optimistic20]

ugh i feel awful right now. i just got back from dinner with some friends and i ate stuff i shouldn't have. i had two breadsticks, some salad with cheese and dressing, and then some chicken and gnocchi and sauce. I know i shouldn't have eaten that stuff but i did. earlier today i had two hard boiled eggs half an apple and a cheese stick. I know that the dinner i just had was not like 2000 calories or anything but i still feel awful. it's obvious that i have no control if i go out to restaurants. and so i just can't go to any anymore, or i just have to eat before i go out with friends. i didn't even have a chance to workout today. i feel like a cow. i think i may try to get some of it up or maybe take some laxatives. either way i need it to be gone. this morning i weighed in 10.5 lbs lighter and i'll be horrified if i weigh 200 or above tomorrow.


realization of the day: eating bad stuff or too much is not worth the stress it causes. i have cheated within the first ten days and i have learned my lesson. i cannot let this happen again!!!!

[Jennifer]

OK, here's what I think, now just tell me to piss off but i mean this to help.....

You're like me, you set unattainable goals and then feel like shit for not keeping to them. Going from eating normalyy to restricting to under 500cals is a big ask - particularly when you have a lot of weigh to lose.

What I suggest is that you cut out all your carbs. I told people I am allergic to wheat and they accepted it so now nobody moans that I'm not eating carbs. Plus you can, at a higher weight (and I sooo dont mean that to sound offencive - sorry!), eat much more than someone who is, say 112lb.

So... maybe start off eating 1200 cals and less than 20 carbs (the carbs bit is really important), do that for a week and STICK TO IT and you will defo lose weight (prob more than 4lb). That will motivate you and your body will be used to less food.

Then the next week go down to 1000cals and, say, 18 carbs and see how you get on.

Setting unrealistic targets just makes you miserable and want to binge (well it does for me!!) plus it's impossible to have a 'normal' life is you're always punishing yourself and although this is a pro-ana site nobody here, I'm sure, wants you to get to the stage where you develop and ED.

Thats my advice, hell it might be rubbish, but its nice getting some support.

Kepp up the great work - 10lb is AMAZING You can be straong, you can do it
Jen x x x x

[optimistic20]

[Jennifer]

Glad it came across in the right way

Hope your day's going really well. Keep up the good work, stay strong and all that

Jen x xx

[optimistic20]

i gained a bit back but i'm not surprised but i'm not discouraged either. i'm back down at school. i live on campus and since school doesn't start for another 5 days it's so empty, and i love it. This city is amazing for walking and biking everywhere and that's my new resolution, walk or bike when at all possible. I'm going to spend the next couple of days walking and biking all around this beautiful city. (i'll save money not buying gas all the time too)

so far today:
half a grapefruit (60 cals)
hard boiled egg (80 cals)
tomato juice soup (30 cals)
teeny bit of low fat cheese (30? cals)

so i guess that means i'm at 200 or so calories today. i'm feeling good and my stomach seems to have shrunk a lot, i don't get that hungry anymore.

i brought back a 6 pound medicine ball and i've got some awesome exercises that i plan to do each day. i need to go check if the school gym is open now. anyway i'm back on track today.