Confessions of a Wannabe Waif...

[JustAnotherGirl]

So I've finally made a journal since I tend to post a lot of posts that seem more like a journal entry venting sort of thing rather than an actual post.
I dunno what's happened to my motivation? It's like ever since Easter I haven't been able to decently restrict/fast at all. I used to be so good. I did the 2-4-6-8 with no problems. I almost never binged, and when I did it would be chewing up and spitting out the food. Now it's like a constant state of binging and purging, and I hate it.
Maybe it's my fiance always begging me to stop with this. Maybe it's always being afraid people will find me out? Maybe it's that I can't stand seeing the look on my dad's face when I tell him I'm not eating the food he made with no explanation as to why. I'm just so sick of hurting everyone that I love. I miss the days where I would go out with my fiance, friends or family and get a normal meal and eat it without wondering how much fat or calories are in it, purging it, and feeling guilty.
This'll all be worth it though, in the end, right?

[JustAnotherGirl]

I'm working on 2 school projects for school that I've put off until the last minute (I suffer from chronic procrastinitis... Yes, that is a medical term^^)... The problem is, this causes me to want to binge incessently... I'm trying to resist a bowl of granola at the moment. I'm not hungry, but it's calling to me anyway.

[JustAnotherGirl]

I've actually managed to keep from binging! It's probably cause I'm not stressed from school anymore. All my projects are finished, so I'm not tempted to stress eat:D

[blackbird3105]

Hey-

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.... and i'm a fellow sufferer of the chronic b/ping. It is a nightmare and I can pinpoint the moments it is going to get worse and one of those is under school pressure!

Try to eat little and often- i know its the worst advice and i hate hearing it myself but if it curbs a binge then maybe its necessary. I'm one of those people who is an all or nothing girl- i have to eat everything and purge or eat nothing at all. Unfortunately this is why i fail and i'm only recently learning that small amounts keep the metabolism ticking over (am currently on a fast though). As for the school work- keep strong-willed and literally FORCE yourself to do it. It is hard and sometimes your mind will flick from it every 30 seconds but keep at it!

Hope all is well, much love and luck

Blackbird xxx

[JustAnotherGirl]

I'd been doing so well!! I had fasted for like 3 days (5 if you count only eating carrots and celery), and then last night I had a major binge! I ate peanut butter and chocolate! Like a lot! I'm not going to even mention how much cause I'm so embarrassed!

[JustAnotherGirl]

Doing well today. Trying to get myself back on track with the 2-4-6-8 diet. So far I've had:
Grapefruit (100 g)-32 cals.
Dannon Light and Fit smoothie-60 cals.

Go me! Hopefully I can stay strong tonight. I'm prolly gonna be up late studying and editing a paper for school, and nights are my hardest times with binges!

[JustAnotherGirl]

That's it, I'm taking back control!
No more binges! No more purging! From now on it's either 0 calories or the 2-4-6-8 diet! I'm sick of the constant guilt from binging and then either purging or not purging! I'm getting my weight back to where I had it!

[JustAnotherGirl]

Why is it that I feel as if I either eat way too much, or not enough? I've completely forgotten how to eat normally. There's like no middle ground for me.

[JustAnotherGirl]

It's so hard being the only one I know that has a problem like this. It makes everyone wonder about me. I just wish I actually knew someone that I could hang out with that has an eating disorder. Someone that understands why I don't eat or if I do it's only some celery or a few baby carrots... Who doesn't try to force food down my throat when I'm fasting. I just feel so lonely all the time.

[JustAnotherGirl]

So I think I'm starting the kekwick fast tomorrow. The last few times I gave up and just ended up not eating 'cause 1000 calories is a lot. But this seems to work for a lot of people so I'm gonna try it again. Wish me luck!

[JustAnotherGirl]

I don't think I'm ever going to get over bulimia. I've tried and tried and tried and I just haven't been able to do it! I hate it and I hate what it does to my body! Why? I'm probably one of the most willful people alive when it comes to everything else. Why can't I just stop the purging?!?!

[JustAnotherGirl]

So, I'm getting really pissed. It's driving me crazy how many people I see coming on here just to "pick up weight loss tips," "become a 'better' anorexic," and things like that. This isn't a weight loss forum. It's a forum for people that have eating disorders to get support and advice from people going through the same things they are. Normal, healthy people shouldn't strive to become an anorexic or bulimic. Anyone that actually has anorexia or bulimia knows it kills inside and makes you feel really alone. Sorry, I'm ranting, but I'm just so sick of it!

[JustAnotherGirl]

Oh my gosh! I just almost shouted with happyness here at work... Whoops!
So I just calculated my BMI and I found out it's at 17.4! I thought it was sooo much higher than that... This just made my day!!

[JustAnotherGirl]

I keep getting a pain near the bone between my temple and eye and it's annoying... It will like come for a few minutes and then go away and then come back... Ouch! Not feeling well today (about myself or physically)...

[JustAnotherGirl]

I just binged on lettuce...O_o; I hate lettuce... Lol!^^