Just not sure if i'm normal.

[theunforgiven]

This will be my first post. I am new to this site... so i am not sure where to start or anything. So, i will just free flow, i guess. I guess i would just like some feedback. I am too afraid to talk to a doctor because i don't want to be admitted to rehab again. A brief history: at 17, i was admitted for anorexia/bulimia/drug use. But, at the time i denied anorexia/bulimia because i blamed the not eating on my drug use. Although, i used the drugs to keep from eating. Fast forward to age 24, i have kicked the anorexia/bulimia and moved on to a different kind of drug that made me actually gain weight... i get into major trouble and voluntarily go back into rehab for drug use. Present time, i have kicked my drug habit all together and have a good 3 years of sobriety under my belt.

But, during these last three years my weight struggles have turned into somewhat of an obsession. I currently weigh 110 and am 5'3 and i am terrified, absolutely terrified i will gain it back. I am not sure if my exercise schedule is normal... or if my calorie counting is normal. I think about food from the time i get up until the time i go to bed. I walk the supermarket and read the labels of everything... only to walk out with fruit or veggies bc those are the only things i am comfortable eating. Food literally scares me.

When we go out to eat i get irritable and frustrated and we often end up in arguments because i can't make up my mind quick enough.

I wake up in the morning and run 3-4 miles and then go drop off my son, come back home, run 3-4 more miles and do strength training... every day...

I allow myself 1200 cals/day... most days... some days i have a "good day" and i am comfortable with myself and have more... but, then i get up earlier the next day to get an extra mile or two in.

I tell myself athletes train like this and this is normal for them so i should be okay... would this classify as "exercise bulimia"? I always thought that you would have to workout 4 or 5 hours a day for that.... i only workout about one and a half to two hours a day... which seems normal.

Thanks for listening... for those of you that made it this far down the page.

[blondie18]

Not normal. It sounds to me like you do have some sort of eating disorder. i don't know which one it would be considered, because it is hard sometimes to put an exact name to it since every one is different in their own way. I can relate to you in some ways. like it's very hard for me to go out to eat because i can't make up my mind fast enough when i'm there. i'm too busy trying to figure out which one would be healthier, and how much weight it could make me gain. Also, with the grocery store situation, i've found myself in that exact situation. I've spent hours at the store only to walk out with a few small items or absolutely nothing at all. And while i'm there i will grab things here and there and then end up putting them back on the shelf. It's crazy how something that is so simple for most people is so hard for people with eating disorders.

[theunforgiven]

Hi. Thanks for replying. Man, i know what you mean about getting stuff off the shelf and walking around the store with it forever and then finally putting it back.

I had a really hard night last night. I feel so worn out from all the working out. I told myself that today i am going to just rest. I know this is going to be tough mentally. It seems when i don't workout i want to eat everything in sight and later feel guilty and have to make myself run.

My husband knows what's going on. But, he doesn't really know what to do. He tries to make me eat. And lots of times that makes it worse on me.

I don't know how i am going to deal with this. I feel it consuming me though. I hate it.

Thanks for sharing some of your story with me too... it helps to know that i am not crazy and am not the only one walking around the store doing this. I always feel like all eyes are on me when i go in there.

[blondie18]

it's crazy. it's almost like you're reading my mind. my fiance is like the same way about my eating disorder. he knows all about it but he doesn't really understand. it's as if he just thinks eating will solve everything. i always end up feeling worse after he finally convinces me to eat. but i feel bad not eating cuz i know he's disappointed. i just can't win

[kitten]

to be honest i think all of us do this. i regularly walk into the canteen at college, panic because i think everyone's watching me and run out with nothing. it sucks. especially when i get back to class and they ask me where my food is- lol. i know i want to stop doing this but i dont know how.
when i started controlling my ED 8 months ago i started kickboxing, as a way of helping me eat. gotta put fuel in the car if u want it to go. only problem is, if i dont excersise i feel like i dont deserve the food.
i broke my finger three weeks ago and havent been able to train - its hard.
i'm out of the habit of restricting because i'm used to eating three meals now, but i have so much guilt because i cant excersise.
i wont weigh myself as i'm scared.

we're all in the same boat hun. it helped me reading your perspective tho,
thanks x