Carpe Diem

[Tina]

Hi. So, I'm new here. I've been coming here for a month reading some of your posts, and I find it really inspiring. I think this is a really great way of 'getting rid of' some of my dark, crazy thoughts. And maybe if I come here every day, I won't eat!
Let me introduce myself:
I'm 25, from Norway, living in Oslo. I'm out of college, and working, after 5 years of studying. Writing in english is something that I worry about, since I've practised it so seldom, but I'll try and make it readable.

I got hooked on ana while I was in college, one of my best friends was ana before me, and I guess it kind of sneaked up on me that I was too. I started restricting and excersising alot -"just to loose som weight"- and did maybe a year of this before I recognized that I was sick. That year I went from 75 kg/165 lbs to 60 kg/132 lbs, and I loved it!!! It was the greatest kick I have ever felt. Suddenly I could wear the clothes I had always wanted to, and boys I'd admired from a distance started asking me out. I kept this up for four years, untill I graduated from college. I hade periods of binging followed by restricting again, and my weight was pretty much 'locked' at 60 kg. I'm 1,80m (5'9) tall, and what you would call 'big boned', so I was skinny back then!
After I started working, I gained the pounds I had kept off for years. You can ask me why the HELL I gave up on my body like that, and I have no good answer for you. I don't know what happened, I guess it was a combination of things:
I quit smoking (which I'm really happy about)
I was f...ing sad about leaving school and not seeing my friends anymore
I was sooo tired everyday after work and couldn't even THINK about working out
I lost my boyfriend in a bad break-up and started feeling like crap

All of the above are LOUSY excuses and I have no-one to blame but myself for looking like a FAT BLOB. Today I weighed in at 73 kg/160 lbs. It's disgusting, I know. But I'm ready to lose weight again! I have met this new man, that i totally I adore, and the possibility of love always inspires me to diet. Hmmmm. So here I am! I know I'll need alot of support to reach my goal weight of 60 kg/132 lbs come summertime, and I have high hopes of finding it here.

[lilyofthevalley]

hey, welcome to the forum! of course we are all here to support you, there's great motivational threads and hints and tips everywhere for you to check out. Hope you reach your goal! xxx

[Tina]

Hi guys.....
Just checking in before I go to bed. Just came home, been out with friends, I had two diet cokes and one beer (I caved in after being soooo good, wasn't planning on having any beer tonight....ohhhh the calories...)

My best friend in the whole world was there tonight, among others. She is just gorgeous, you know the type that is a natural size one, long and lean, beautiful, almost no makeup on. She is not ana or mia, she has this incredible uncomplicated way of eating a big plate of something fatty or whatever... I hate the fact that I have to work so f...ing hard at something that comes so easy to others!!!!! And she NEVER works out!
I just don't get it. I mean, I love her to death, but she just gets to me sometimes....she is my favorite thinspo, though. I wish I could post her picture, I have one of her i a bikini which is soooo bony, but I can't. Afraid someone will recognise her.

This weekend one of my best friends from college is getting married. I leave friday, she lives an hours planeride away. The guy she is marrying is a total jerk. It's a long story.
Anyway, i'm doing really well right now, haven't eaten all day, and I'm not hungry. It will be difficult to go to sleep tonight, I'm always like that when I do well, I get high of the feeling, like mye body is running on pure adrenaline. Hope this lasts thru the weekend..afraid i'm gonna binge on wedding cake or something!

I'll be back tomorrow, my best to everyone out there. Stay strong!
Tina

[Tina]

I am so cold today. Haven't eaten anything solid, just some broth and sparkling water. Not feeling so good, thinking I should eat something but I'm not hungry and the thought of food repulses me right now. I just feel like I can keep going without eating for ever. Afraid my metabolism's gonna crash, and I will be exhausted for the wedding on saturday.
I wanna have fun, but I don't think I will be able to, I guess I'll obsess about how fat I am the entire day.
Just tried my new dress on, and it is AWFUL.....well, I mean, the dress itself is perfect, but ME in it....I look like sh.t.
Yesterday I felt pretty good about myself. Now I just wanna go under ground for the weekend, hide in bed or something. I'm scared I won't be able to put on my happy face for my BF. I want her to have the perfect day, and I wanna be the perfect friend, and support her in every way, 'cause I know she's really stressed out right now. I have to remember that this weekend is not about me, I need to forget my problems for three days. If I can't do that for her, then I'm the biggest egocentric in the world.
I rode the bus home from work today, and I felt like the other passengers could tell what mess I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm disconnected from the world, like I see things totally different from everyone else. I don't know, there are so many thoughts in my head all the time, it's chaotic. Can't control it, even if I try. It's hard for me to have one-on-one conversations, my mind is always off somewhere else.

I need to stop this right now. It's no good that I sit here and wallow in self-pitty. I'm glad not everyday is like this one.

[Tina]

Stepped on the scales this morning, I have lost 3 kg.

CW: 70 kg
HW: 75 kg
LW: 58 kg
GW: 60 kg maybe, I don't know

[Tina]

So I'm back. Really tired, barely able to keep my eyes open.

I'll tell all about the wedding tomorrow, right now I have to go to sleep.

Oh...and I binged today, just like I predicted. On chocolate and cinnamon rolls. I am such a stupid cow. I hate myself.
Tomorrow I am not going to eat anything, just drink, and I'll get right back to where I was before this weekend happened. I was doing so well!

My new love wanted us to get together tonight, but I said I couldn't since I came home rather late. But really it was because I had binged and I didn't want him to see me like that and I felt really FAT.

What do you guys do when you binge and your boyfriend wants to come over at that moment?

Going to bed. Stay strong all of you out there.

[Tina]

Today has so far been much better for me, although I had gained 1 kg when I weighed in this morning. Hopefully it will all be gone by tomorrow. Some broth, two rice-cakes and lots of coffee today. Only gonna drink water for the rest of the day.

Somehow I feel like I don't belong in this forum, convinced that everyone in here is super-skinny and stunning. I will try to be the best ana I can be, but I'm just so full of mistakes.

Anyway, the wedding.
My plane left at 1pm on friday, and the bride met me at the airport. I was truly happy to see her, and I didn't have to fake a smile, it all came naturally to me. We had so much to talk about since we hadn't seen eachother for three months. We went back to her house and I helped her with folding the church-programs for the wedding. Then we drove to the bridalshop and picked her dress up, which they had steamed for her. It was beautiful, and just what I had imagined she would choose!!

Later we went back to her mothers house for dinner, and I couldn't get out of it. There was no where to purge, so I had to keep it down. I estimate 600 Cal. Felt like a whale immidiately after, and it felt like my clothes didn't fit anymore. The bride and I went home early to go to sleep, we were both really tired. She didn't seem nervous at all.

The next day we woke up at 10am, took a shower and drove to the hairdresser. After three hours my hair was done and we were both ready. She looked absolutely gorgeous!!!!! And I guess I felt OK too...My dress actually felt a little loose, and that gave me some confidence.

The ceremony went perfectly, and they looked so happy and beautiful together!!!!! It was sunny and warm all day, and for a long time we were outside, everyone looked their best, and I met some of her friends that I knew when we were students but I hadn't seen in three years. I guess they noticed that I have gained weight, but no-one commented on it. The bride, who has seen me more recently actually asked me if I had lost some weight! That was huge for me, especially since I had done so much work before AND because of the wedding.

Dinner went well, I didn't eat much, and no-one noticed because so much happened during the meal: speeches, kissing, clapping...it was really nice! Weddings in Norway are very warm and spontaneous, with lots of kissing and hugs. I cried like ten times during the day, I'm so easily moved by other people's display of emotion.

After dinner we danced, and I had a lovely time with the best man's brother. Went to bed, pretty drunk og soooooo tired at 3am.
The next day we ate breakfast at our hotel, and I helped the happy couple moving the gifts from the hotel to their house. My plane left at 4pm, and the bride drove me to the airport. We cried when we said our goodbyes, and promised eachother to meet up soon.

That was my weekend. I had a great time. Now I have to loose more weight for a business-trip I have next week.

More tomorrow.

[Tina]

HI GUYS
It's been a pretty good day. I had about 200kcal for lunch. Later I had about three glasses of red wine with a friend. How many calories are there in a glass of red wine? I'm a little drunk right now, and that's bad 'cause I have work tomorrow. Need to drink a lot of water before I go to bed. My friend commented on my weight loss tonight, but I didn't take it seriously. You can't tell by a couple of kg's... But I love her for being supportive. She knows I want to lose weight.
I wanna go to bed and watch DH. I looooooove Eva Longoria. She is so tiny and everything I want to be. Strong and skinny and beautiful.

[ThinMint06]

hi hon,
you belong here!!
Look at my starting weight.... also, look at at how long I've been here!
hope you're having a fabulously skinny day!!

[Nifty_girl]

Hi Tina. Welcome to the forums!

[Tina]

Am having a really bad day today. Damn it! I did so well last week, I can't believe I didn't follow through!!!!!

So far today:
1 low-fat yoghurt (52 Cal)
1 banana (100 Cal)
2 cups of green tea
2 cups of low-fat cappuccino (120 Cal)
5 rice cakes (200 Cal)
1 big chickensalad with oily dressing (like a 100,000 Cal)

SOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo stupid....

But I have my period, so I guess that makes me weaker. Finding it very hard to restrict. But I have to, 'cause I'm going shopping with my superskinny friend on saturday, and I know I won't have fun if i feel this fat. So I'm going on a liquid diet starting tomorrow.
I can only have water, green tea and coffee. Maybe I'll drop 3 kgs during the weekend? Then I'll be 7 kgs away from my GW1...Nice...

Sending all of you thinspiring thoughts! Stay strong skinny girls!

[Tina]

Actually I find that forum is really helpful to me.
Just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your brilliant journals!!!!
From now on I will visit everytime I feel like eating.

Lots of love, guys

[NorwegienAngel<3]

Hey you<3

I live in Oslo too nice to know others near me feel like me

You are doing really well, it's really hard the first few weeks!

Have you tryed heistads low calorie gello, without sugar. I make it in 5 glases, and then one glas is only 10 cals! And if you binge it's only 50 cals! it's sooo good too, just like regular gello

Love

[Tina]

Hi guys!!!!! My eyes are itchy today, I have hayfever.

ThinMint: thank you for your support, you made me feel better!!!
Angel: so nice to see another norwegian here! Maybe we have passed eachother on the street?? He he....Oslo is so small!

Today I have done quite well. I had to have lunch at work, or else everyone will notice and worry. I estimate 200 kcal. A little bummed out, since I was planning a no-food-day today.

My mom picked me up from work, and we took my 3 year old nephew to a cafe in the city. He is just the cutest!!!!! I love him so much.
I had coffee, btw.

Later I went to my granmothers house, and I felt kind of bad cause I hadn't been there for a whole month!!! She is 92 years old. We can talk about anything -except my ana/mia ! She is so up to date, she always watch the news and read the papers. I'm really proud of her, I should visit more often, and I SHALL from now on. At least once a week, she's not gonna live forever.

Can't wait for the weekend to arrive. I'm so fed up with my job right now.

My new love hasn't called or written in three days...I'm worried he wants to stop seeing me, but I can't ask him flat out, cause we have only dated for two months. He is always really busy, he runs his own company, and spends 12 hrs a day working -minimum... I don't know if I can handle him being so unavailable all the time. I feel like he should WANT to spend more time with me, but I don't wanna pressure him in to anything. I've noticed that if I don't call or text him, then he gets really interested. It's sick, I know. I don't wanna play games, but he makes me do it!!!!

Feeling good! Not hungry at all.
See you later!!!!

[ThinMint06]

200 is still REALLY great

The lover might just be busy- but honestly, he could still take 5 minutes to jot you an email!!

yay for you!!