Never Stop Fighting

[paradox]

“To be nobody-but-yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else—
means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

e.e. cummings


“What I'm saying, do you understand?
Do you know what it's like to feel inadequate?
And the future ahead has no place for you
As if you ever thought it did
Alone in my shell, if I come out I'll die
I don't want to escape though I should
No, just leave me alone, I don't want your help!!
Yeah, if you could ease my pain you would (right!)

…You're correct, I've absolved my self-control”

Dark Angel, “The Promise of Agony”

Up until now, I’ve resisted starting an online journal. Its sort of scary putting yourself out there like that. And I’m not sure that my thoughts will be any help to anyone else, but I’m going to try, so here goes.

I wish I could pinpoint exactly when my eating disorder started. I’ve definitely suffered from “disordered eating” my entire life. I’m an identical twin, which automatically sets you up for having a best friend for life (a good thing) as well as someone to whom everyone will compare you, for better or worse, for your whole life (a not good thing). I had the distinction of being the “bigger” twin, and older by a whole five minutes. I didn’t want to be either. When a person would comment “your sister is so tiny”, I always heard the implicit “and you’re huge and fat.”
I’m sure now, looking back with an adult’s perspective, that anyone who commented on my sister would be mortified to know how I twisted their words around. But the fact is, I did, and I think that started me on the road to ruin that would culminate in mia and finally ana years down the road.

It seems particularly fucked up that my eating disorder is rapidly spiraling out of control so late in my life. I can’t even get that right!
I had my shit together relatively well in high school. I guess I thought at the time that it wasn’t even worth bothering to try to “out-skinny” my sister. I had an enormous chip on my shoulder at the time and blamed a big part of my dissatisfaction on not being thin enough. This also seems ironic now, looking back, because I weighed 107 pounds at the end of my senior year (at 5’5”) and that sounds pretty thin to me now. I don’t compare myself to other people weight wise because I’m smart enough to know everyone has different body types and amounts of muscle mass and carries weight differently. Everyone, hello, except your identical twin. And she weighed 92 pounds at the time, so you do the math. Fifteen pounds more = fat and disgusting.

Even college was more or less okay. I sort of “fell into” mia and binged and purged occasionally. But I don’t handle stress well, and when I get stressed, all my horrible feelings about myself come to the surface. And purging is my punishment of choice.

So here I am, in my late thirties, stressed on the job, hating life, and trying to control my weight while simultaneously losing control entirely. Things are getting bad, guys.

It’s probably apparent to anyone who’s read any of my posts that I have a very large amount of self-hatred right now. I despise myself. Vehemently. I feel like a complete and total failure who ended up amounting to nothing in my life, as I always feared. I had a really successful job but I couldn’t hack it and ending up taking a less demanding job. More fuel for the “you’re not good enough” fire. I know you can all relate.


All I seem to have anymore to hold onto is ana and mia. And you know, I hate that mia bitch and wish I could kick her ass for good, but I can’t. For those of you who have read the book “Wasted”, I particularly relate to the part where Marya describes transitioning from mia to ana, and comments that “some people move effortlessly between the two, torn between two lovers.” She remarks that she gradually moved to ana but was so addicted to mia that she had a hard time just giving it up. Amen to that. I hate mia so much. Not just the physical toll that years of binging and purging have taken on me, but the feelings of disgust and self-loathing that go along with it. And the time and effort it takes.

I can imagine that if anyone was ever following me in my car, they’d assume I was crazy. . All you mias raise your hands- how many of you cruise from place to place, buying a little bit here and there to fuel your binges but never enough in one place to arouse suspicion…stuff your face driving to the next place…repeat ad nauseum, also stopping at specific sites along the way to purge (or stopping at home, purging, then taking off again)? I hate it! Half the time I’m crying as I’m driving and I’m thinking of all the money I’m wasting, and what a disappointment I am to everyone who cares about me. And those are the times I say I will absolutely never binge again, even if that means I’ll never eat again. Because I have zero self control. Zero. I’m a pathetic loser. The resolve never holds. I end up back where I started, needing to binge just so I can have that comforting empty feeling after a successful purge. And then take a ton of diuretics so my face won’t look so puffy, and maybe take laxatives if it was a day when I really want to punish my body, and cut to get rid of the feelings of disgust. Yeah, that about covers it.

The reason it’s getting so bad is because I know now that there is no such thing as thin enough for me. I think I crossed that line somehow, somewhere. I should really remove my ticker. It’s no longer accurate, probably. I have no idea what I weigh. I was 113 when I last stepped on a scale, and I feel much bonier now than I was then, but I’m terrified of what the scale will say, so I avoid it. And it doesn’t matter what the scale says, because in the mirror, I’m still fat. You all know the feeling. I can trace my ribs, cup my hands completely around my collar bones, but that seems only like it would be thin on someone else. Not on me. My thighs are still much too big. I hate my wide shoulders…I still always feel self conscious going into clothing stores in the mall, so sure that the sales people are thinking I’m too fat to wear any cute clothes and being self conscious about the way my ass looks ginormous in jeans

I’m not sure what made me vent tonight. Dollybabe, maybe it was your suggestion to start a journal. Anyway, I’m having a really shitty day. Was fasting so well and today totally binged on those damned Skittles again and French fries. Bleccch! Now I’ve purged again and my throat is so raw and I have heartburn that just aches so badly. All my muscles ache today, too, and my stress fracture in my right leg hurts like a sonof-a-bitch. I’m falling apart. I hate myself.
. I can’t even starve properly. And I’m hurting my family, who know about my ED, but not how bad it truly is. No one else to worry about. I couldn’t maintain my last relationship because it became more important to binge and purge and starve in secret than to be honest and spend time with my boyfriend. I wanted to be entirely alone so no one could deter me from my path. Whether it’s the path to salvation or self destruction, I haven’t figured out yet.

I’m so fucking tired.

Thank you all for always being here, my fellow anas and mias. Noone without an eating disorder could ever hope to understand
You don’t chose ana. She choses you. And holds on for dear life.

[desperatehousewife]

Oh hugs hugs hugs to you. Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I feel for you soo bad and can relate so much to a lot. I've also been gripped by Ana in my late twenties and shocked that it can happen after so long. Noone is immune. I've suffered from binge eating disorder most of my life and never been able to purge but can relate to the shopping episodes! On one of my 'favourite' binges I would eat a whole bag of kettle chips, a giant warm chocolate brownie and wash it down with a chocolate milkshake and more chocolate. I used to cry whilst doing it and stopped enjoying the taste after a bit but carried on doing it anyway. I was so ashamed. And ashamed of hiding the packets from my husband.

I also have self hate and feelings of worthlessness. I've been covering that up for ages. Appearing outwardly to be confident and full of life. As it turned out my husband has been suffering depression and Ive been carrying him so to speak. I've spent so long 'being there for him' and consoling him and making him feel better, I hadn't realised that I had nothing left for me. I also feel a failure as a parent because my son has problems. I feel pretty useless.

I have always lived in the shadow of my older sister. We have been competing for weight loss for years taking it in turns. Right now she is weight skinnier than me but I haven't see her since August. I know it sounds cruel but I want to avoid her until I'm slim again because I want to shock her. That's twisted I know but then I'm fucked up anyway! My DH thinks I'm mad.

Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts. Best wishes

[honey]

im so sorry your feeling so down at the moment. i really hope you feel better soon

i can totally relate to the feelings of discust when driving to B/P.
i first reallised the extent of my problems when i found myself purging WHILST driving, i was so desperate to get rid of the burgers and fries and god knows what else i just did it their and then in the bag with a plastic spoon. im supprised i didnt damage my throat.

the ana/mia/ED curse is something we all have to deal with on a day to day basis, i just hope that us being hear for you will help you through this difficult time.

take care hun

[paradox]

Thank you, thank you, desperate housewife and honey for your words. It's horrible when you start to feel so alone and worthless.

After my post last night I finally was able to get to sleep and so far today all I had was green tea. I'm hoping that because I have to work late today, I won't be able to binge. I can't purge at work- there is nowhere to go to purge, so that is my only salvation. How pathetic that otherwise I would continue to do this even at work.

I was just finding myself preoccupied by brownies and fries now, after your posts, but I've got no cash in my wallet and nothing vaguely interesting to eat in the house (which is how I keep it on purpose) so I'm confident nothing's going to happen. Besides, my throat is still so raw from yesterday that I'm afraid that I wouldn't be ble to purge completely.

We'll all get through this somehow. I don't know how, but somehow, we will.

[DollyAna]

hello sweetie,i'm so sorry that things are so terrible for you,especially as you're always so kind & supportive to others here;take care chick;love you lots...

[paradox]

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Yesterday, I was sitting in a meeting at work and I literally started to cry to no reason. I was having weird thoughts all day, that would come from out of nowhere, that something really bad was about to happen. I'm not normally like that at all, so it was very disturbing.

But today I feel a little bit better, and I'm managing to fast despite this feeling like crap. When I don't eat, it clears my head, and I feel so much more focused and in control, so hopefully that's what's going to continue to happen today. I can't take much more of the up and down roller coaster that I've been back on for the last several weeks. If I don't watch myself, I'll be back to where I was two years ago, where I was purging repeatedly, up to 8-10 times, every single day. I'd die before I let that happen again.

I'm scared of what it would do to my weight, but what a useless fear, since I won't get near a scale anyway. I'm so panicked about stepping on a scale, that I won't go to a doctor for any reason. I really need to go for my dreaded annual exam with the GYN (which I despise beyond reason, anyway) but I'm scared to because 1) they always weigh you, 2) if they ask when I last had my period I'd have decide whether I want to be honest or lie and 3) what if some of the bloodwork they run shows my fucked up electrolytes (I think they only check your iron levels, but I'm not sure, so I'm festering, because I'm hypokalemic, based on previous blood work )

Okay, enough of that. Something else annoying has been on my mind today, too. I read the threads about other peoples' insensitive comments about weight that make us all feel fat, but I'm just as pissed about the alternative, when someone who really doesn't give a shit about you at all makes a comment about you being too thin (even if its a lie, as in my case). I'm convinced they do this to make you feel worse about yourself than you already do, and maybe they are just frustrated dieters themselves (which is no excuse, because even if my self control is spiraling down the tubes, I still feel excited when others reach thier goals; I use them as inspiration, not competition). I know, broad generalization. I'm not trying to insult anybody, but I'll give the specific example that I found annoying.

I get along okay with one of my co-workers, but we aren't by any means what you'd call friends. She's normal weight, with a totally different body type from mine (petite, curvy), and is one of those people who is continually fishing for compliments about how good she looks. She's also always dieting in one way or another (or so she says), although her weight never appears to change outwardly. She tries to make a point of people seeing how little she eats while dieting, to get the standard replies of "you don't need to diet," to which she'll respond "really? you think I look okay? Do you think I'm thin?," etc, etc. Daily. She recently came up to me and said that she'd been talking to other people at work about me (gee, thanks ) and this was her direct quote:

"We're all really worried about you, because you've lost a lot of weight recently, and now you look like a cadaver."

I'm dead serious. What the fuck?!? Okay, first of all, I know the poeple to whom she was speaking, and they could care less if I dropped dead tomorrow, so they aren't worried about me, but they gossip about everyone. And second, I have lost weight, obviously, but I'm not unhealthily thin (I wish!) , and I sure as hell don't look like a cadaver. A cadaver. Where do people get this shit?

What does she think I'm gonna do, agree with her and start gaining weight? Not gonna happen, chica! It truly pissed me off, because it was so malicious and untrue. A part of me, I admit, would love to think that she really thought I looked that thin, but mirrors don't lie, do they, so I know she was full of shit. I wish, though. Rather than stop me, I think it encouraged me to lose even more (great thinspo), just to throw it back in all their faces.

People without ED don't get it. . Its not something you can stop, despite the comments and criticisms of others. Comments hurt in general, whether they're of the "you're too fat" or "you're too thin" type. I've heard both directed at myself at different times. If you can't say something nice about someone's weight loss efforts, shut your fucking mouth. That's why I feel the need to vent on this site more than ever

Anyway, just thinking off the top of my head. Sorry. Gonna head to the gym and try to burn off my disgusting lard ass! Blechhhh!

[DollyAna]

hello hun,well done on the trying to fast,it really is better than b/p isn't it? b/p absolutely sucks,at the time i was doing it,i guess i thought i was being clever by eating foods i would never normally dare to eat & promptly throwing it up again,but it damaged my self esteem so much,my self esteem's always been low but honestly b/p made me feel 100% worse about myself.. my colleagues randomly comment that i've lost weight but quite honestly i don't care what they think,i do get on with most of them but they're a joke really,always on failed diets because they have no willpower,they have no idea about my ED because i do eat infront of them,salad & other safe foods,but they really haven't got a clue & long may it stay that way.. just going back to your post hun,what's a "cavedor";sorry but i've never heard of that??

[daydream]

I always feel like crap when I have low blood sugar. I used to espcially have mad crying fits after eating junk food, because it would give me a rush of blood suagr and than a huge dip. perhaps this is why you're feeling so rough? You're not eating at all so your sugar is dropping? Maybe you could try eating a little bit of fruit just to keep your spirits up?

That woman you work with just sounds like an attention seeking bitch, to be blunt! She's probably just jealous that you're losing weight and she's not, so she's trying to sabotage you! Everyone knows a woman like this, so don't let it get you down!


Take care of yourself

[DollyAna]

hello,how's it going hun?

[DollyAna]

hello hun,where are you? i hope you're ok? i'm missing you....

[paradox]

Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. I am covertly posting this entry while i am alone for the moment. Had family in town visiting until this morning, and also moved to a new place that does not have internet access yet.

I miss everyone here! I felt so untethered the last couple of weeks, trying so hard to act "normal" when inside I was falling apart.

I really hope you are all winning your battles with the scale . I will be back soon (promises, promises.....) and in the meantime will keep everyone in my thoughts.

I feel like I never want to eat again. That's how much I hate myself right now. Especially when I had to see the looks on the faces of my parents, whom I had not seen in a long time. I guess you never get old enough to not be "someone's child" anymore, and have them worry about you. Made me feel about one inch high.


I'm not in a good place, guys.

[DollyAna]

hello hun,i just noticed you're online & i'm wondering how you're doing,i've been so worried about you & i miss you???

[desirable dream]

[DollyAna]

where are you sweetie,i hope you're ok,i'm REALLY missing you...

[paradox]

I'm back, I'm back, for good, I hope. I have missed this site so much, but life has been absolutely crazy, and I haven't had regular online access again until now.
:cry

I seem to be winning the battle of binging in a manner of speaking....I binge/purge a lot less than I used to, but I think that's because I just don't really eat, period. I need to update my ticker, but I forgot my log in/password to do that, but I'm down another 10 pounds to 103....

I started to get really freaked out when I began having scary heart arrhythmias (and a really slow heart rate- like 46 beat/minute... that I think are due to electrolyte imbalances). I have a cardiac evaluation scheduled for next Friday and I'm already freaking out. Amazingly, NOT because of what they'll find, but more because of the fact that they'll probably want to weigh me. I've thought about cancelling, but I want to keep going to the gym, so I guess I need to know my heart can take it. Even as I write this I realize that I go into denial mode with the best of them.

Anyway, I have missed you all, and I'll be checking back in and posting again from now on! Hugs to all, Paradox