crossroad

[Jiinxx]

I'm in a crossroad and it's breaking me apart.

I've had anorexia but I got myself out of it. now... ana's back. at first it scared me so I told my BF everything about it and he promised to help me. but the thing is, he seem to believe that someone with an ED eat - nothing. so when he sees me eat like 300 cals a day he's happy, thinking that "she's eating! she's doing a good job!" but the thing is, that's a "starvation" diet.

I've had ED's for over six years and a part of me just wants out. but then there's this other part saying that I can't give ana up Again, and that she's the only one that gives me a reason to even get out of bed.

I can't seem to let ana go this time. her thoughts are in my head all day long and if I wake up at night, I automatically grab my stomach and I feel sick cause of all the fat and can hold in just one hand.

But I haven't been able to eat a normal size (what that now is..) meal in over six years without having anxiety. I've started to believe that there is no way out of this. had it once - have it til death.

like today.. I let myself eat a boca burger with bread (210 cals) and some home made fries (not more than 100 cals.) BUT. stupid as I am, I freak out Completely at my BF's house and I ran in to his room just to get away from his friends. and there I stayed for over an hour crying my eyes out with him holding me trying to comfort me.
I cried cause I'm SO tired of not being able to eat like a normal healthy person. to be able to eat when hungry and stop when you're full. that's impossible for me.
I also cried cause I was stupid eating in the first place. I could feel my stomach bloat up and I could feel the fat surrounding me.

a part of me wants out - a part of me wants to be left in.

I'm too afraid to give ana up. I just wanna be thin!!

[katblack]

We all just want to be thin, welcome to the club. The thing is, however wrong this might sound, ana won't make you thin. Ana will make you dead. And stop personifying it, she's not a person, it's a disease. If you've had anorexia for six years then you're already thin, and it's just that the disorder won't let you realize that you're already thin because it makes you always want to be thinner. You'll never reach your goal weight if you keep lowering it. I don't think you should be depending on your boyfriend in this way either; if you need someone, and professional help is out of the question, I would turn to someone who's older, had experience with ed, and/or you can trust. This just seems like an awful lot to put on him.

I don't mean to be harsh, and I am so far from judging. I just would warn anyone from going down that road; as you know, it's just a slow-motion suicide that tortures yourself and everyone who cares about you.

[trinityliz]

Don't give up! You CAN and DESERVE to be happy about your body. Being thin does not create happiness or satisfaction. Don't delude yourself into thinking that it will. It is hard to deal with, but ask yourself what is really bothering you? Why are you really unhappy? I'm sure you know what it is. That is what you really need to work on, even if you can't admit it to yourself yet. Love and be patient with yourself. Take one day at time. People who truly love you will love you whether you are fat or thin. So what is preventing you from loving yourself?

[Digi_Ab]

Check out that mirror mirror website someone psosted, it is very positive and helped a lot.

My friends also seem to believe you have to be in hospital looking like a skeleton until you have an eating disorder, so I can not really talk to them proply about it because I feel like they think I am attention seeking and I do not want to be a burden.

My boyfriend is very helpful, it is because of him I am trying to recover (one because I hated my moodyness and the fact I was so ill and weak, and two because he makes me feel happy and comfortable enough to enjoy eating). But it is a lot of pressure to put on him and I do not want to become dependant. There is obviously an underlying cause in the other parts of my life but I do not know what, and where will I be when he is gone?