do u think u will ever recover?

[airplane787]

do u think u will ever recover?
do u want to recover?

[candyflossbaby]

i dont know whether i can =S
im pertrified of putting on weight
it seems so superficial
and i need to change something, because i dont want to jepordise my future, and my chance of having kids.
this is the first time ive been on the recovery site
i know i need to change
but i cant imagine a day where i stuff my face and dont worry
will there ever be one????

[sxydaniella]

i dont think i will ever recover from ana.
tell you the truth right now i dont want to.

[Digi_Ab]

I think it will always be there with you in some way no matter what.

But I believe I HAVE to recover, therefor I WILL.

It's whether I can recover from some form of self harm though. I have already been through cutting, alcohol, drugs, starvation and now that I am trying to not care about calories I think I may be resorting to alcohol again.

I often wonder if one of these things will kill me one day, or if I will live my life with a balance between normality and self hatred.

I have only decided to stop the restricting last Wednesday. Feels weird already.

[candyflossbaby]

does anyone want to get worse before they get better?
like just so you know you reached that goal weight. that you could do it? then you can kinda eat in peace?

[Jiinxx]

[katblack]

that's how I got where i am today. I thought I'm a savvy, intelligent woman with her act together, I can use ana habits to get to my goal weight without it getting out of hand. Now I have to fight and fight and fight to not throw up after every single meal. The problem is that ana will get you down to that weight, but, b;tch that she is, she robs of your capacity to actually enjoy being at your goal weight, or even realize it. No anoretic ever reaches her goal weight; she just keeps dropping it, just five more pounds, that's all I need to lose, just five more pounds -- that's what I told myself until I was ten pounds beneath my goal weight, twenty pounds beneath my nutritionist-prescribed weight, and so terrified of food that I started crying after eating a bag of corn. (corn is surprisingly high in cals). The craziest thing of all, I am still going to try to get back down there, though I do think that this time I'll be able to get thin and appreciate it.

[Thindreams]

I get Daniellasky, the feeeling if you ever want to recover from ANA. I decided the end of the summer last year to stop counting calories, to live!
I was 47 kilos at the time, i didn't binge, i just plurged whatever I ate, and that was litle. People at my job at the time all knew just bij looking at me. I wasn't happy at all.

I celebrated the moment that I weighed more than 50 kilos. However I hardly eat food with allot of callories, still eat light producted, keep myself on a strict diet. Not a day passed that i don't think of losing weight.

Now i'm 48 kilos, how ever this is because I had a infecties in my stomagh last week and couldn't eat for 4 days, had the runs and trew up allot. In one sick way it made me really happy. Now i actually want to keep my weight down and maybe loose even more. I tell my friends that I need to recain my weigh (51 kilos), but i really don't want to. I want to be thin and thinner. I just depresses me so bad that I think that I will never let managing food go.

[kitten]

i havent been on this site since i started trying to get better.
i'm still at my goal weight, i'm not happy with my shape. i've been trying SO hard since august - have got back to eating three meals. i feel weak, like i've given up hope for perfection.
its like i'm torn. i know i cant go on like this forever and i've already come so far, but the urge to loose weight is really consuming.
i'm at a group at the moment that's making me do a food diary, they're making me obsess about what i eat. its just making me go nuts again - it took me so long to STOP writing things down - now they want the info for their records.
i dont know what to do.

[ClosingTime]

I think I want to recover. But it's more complicated that it seems.

[betty]

i want too, but things make me not, if that makes any scense? i broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and maybe it will make things worse?

[paradox]

I dont think I can ever let go of wanting to be thin. Im in such a holding pattern, and my life for the last five years in particular has gone nowhere. BUt its even scarier to think about recovering. If I hate myself so much now, how much will I hate myself if I gain some weight back?

Im as much of a mess as ever, and this site a long time ago used to be my only salvation....

[I Want Candy]

Poor paradox. I am so sorry for what you are going through.-->

I started starving myself when I was 11 years old. I thought I was grotesque and huge, but when I look at my old photos, I was thin BEFORE I started to diet.

But you can't see yourself like that, no matter how many times you try. and you can't let go, like you said. It's stuck on you forever.

Even when I gained a HUGE, huge amount of weight a few years ago after a surgery, I couldn't stop obsessing and thinking and dreaming about diet, diet, diet.

When I get to a normal weight again, I know I will go right back to what I have done for all these years. I'm going to diet and diet and loose and loose. I want to be so thin, I just want to disappear so that no one can see me.

I just hope to God I never gain weight like I did a few years ago. What a nightmare. I am shocked I let myself go like that, and went in the opposite direction. I became exactly what I was afraid of all of my life: a monster.

But it's much better for me to diet too thin than to eat like a pig! If I had kept gaining like that, I would have died. And that kind of eating and weight gives you terrible illness and problems. You can get esophogus(sp?) cancer, too. I am not kidding.

I can't wait until I'm thin again. I just can't wait. I'm so old now, and gray, and useless that it shouldn't matter what my weight is anymore, but I care. I don't want to stop. It's my whole life, my reason for living. I know that is so fricking dumb, but I just don't care anymore about becoming "normal". I know I am babbling, but oh well.