A Puppet's Journal

[__marioneta]

8.26.06
Yes, I know the date shows up on the post regardless of whether I type it here or not.
So. I worked up my courage and stepped on the scales for the first time in five weeks. The weight? 109. I don't know why I was surprised. Yesterday at the doctor's office I was 108, but even she said that she didn't believe it, because I was 98 two weeks ago.

Ten pounds of non-water weight in two weeks? Is that possible. My gosh, I hope not.

I've no idea how much weight you can gain in water, but I know it's high. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. How could this have happened? It just freaks me out because I wasn't eating normally or anything. I must not be exercising enough. The reason I think it might be water weight is that I still fit into most of the clothes I bought at 90 lbs.

Last night I was so, and I admit it, upset, I just left the house and sat on the steps in the rain and cried, and then I got up and ran, but turned back at about a block or so because of the thunder. The night before that, I kind of blanked out and the next thing I knew, had scratching down my thighs and actual deep scratches on one arm. I'm losing it--or rather, gaining it.

My doctor said that what I see is not reality. So what else is new? I can't convince myself of that. Can any of us? I don't see myself as hugely fat, but I would like to see myself a little lighter.

All I can remember is a quote that said something to the effect of--"Determine your goal. Determine the price. Pay it."

I find its simplicity calming.

So, goal--94 lbs, ultimately. The price? It's hard to figure. I don't know if I can get away with a fast. The most I can manage is skipping two meals, and eating dinner.

If anyone would like to, feel free to post whatever you'd like here.

So, stats--
Height: 5'4"
Current Weight: 99 lbs
High Weight: 100 lbs
Goal Weight #1: 95 lbs

[baby belle]

I think almost everyone who reads this will be able to relate at least a little to what your saying. I think we all just have to keep our eyes on the prize. It's hard! and our family's get worried and, when mine do, i dotnknow what to say to them but.. stay strong babe.

I think most of the weight will be water. if it makes you feel any better.

much love
xxx

[__marioneta]

Thank you so much. It helps just to know that someone else--anyone else--on the planet feels even a fraction of the same way.

It does make me feel a bit better. I know that I got out of the hospital due to mostly water retention, for instance. My goal just seems so far away.

http://www.primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/library/weight/scale.htm That link helped explain it a bit, for me at least.

I won't touch the scales for another week, although I do go to a nutritionist on Monday, and she's got a scale that can distinguish fat from lean tissue. I don't know if I want to know what that one says or not.

Anyways, thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it. I'm going to go take advantage of the cool weather while it lasts and jog.

[__marioneta]

8.27.06
Yesterday I had a fat free hot chocolate and marshmallows, which came out to 33 calories, some broccoli, whose calorie intake I can only guess, and sugar-free Jell-O, which is like, 10 calories. So, I guess that's good.

Also, I did 55 minutes on the stair stepper.

So far today I have had a spoonful of oatmeal and yogurt--so I'm going to round up and say 100 calories, which is probably less than what it really is, since the yogurt is only 60. How obsessive is it to care?

[__marioneta]

8.31.06
I have to redo my whole stats, because apparently I'm carrying around nine pounds of water retention weight--none of which is me, so my weight is really still 99 or 98, the same as last week, which is good, I guess. I mean, it hasn't gone down, but it hasn't gone up, either.
Honestly, if I could just stabilize here, I might be happy.

So, I've stuck to my exercise--55 minutes on the stair stepper everyday, except for Monday, when I sort of slacked off because I was tired, but I figure that's fine.

Today I've had four pretzels and a yogurt, which was 60 calories. I don't know about the pretzels, but I'm pretty sure I'm under 250 today.

I still have yet to start the stair stepper today, though, so I'm probably behind again. I'd better go do that, because I don't want to be up all night meeting my minimum.

[__marioneta]

9.03.06
I think I had about...Well, let's think about this. I put most of the yogurt down the drain, but, woe, ended up eating some too. Then I was proud of myself tonight for not eating anything other than that earlier in the morning, so I ate three quarters of another yogurt. Both are 60 calories, so I'm going to over-estimate and say that, all in all, I've had about 150 calories today. And that makes me feel good.
My hunger signals don't really flare on weekends. They'll go away completely after a while, like they did before.
Oh, and I jogged a mile and a half today, for about twenty minutes, with some walking between...which is good, I think, considering I did the 55 minutes on the stair stepper, too. *mumble grumble*
I wish I could see what everyone else saw when I look in the mirror. And don't we all?
And now I will stop thinking about any of this for the rest of the evening, probably by watching a Disney movie.
Good night all, and best wishes.

[__marioneta]

9.07.06
Foodwise, today's been okay. I had half an orange, and one of those Quaker Oats Rice Cakes, and a cup of Sugar-Free Jell-O. The latter two comes out to probably 50 calories, and I don't know what the orange amounts to. I should probably reward myself, but I'd rather do homework and the stair stepper.
I would really like to fast, but I'd never get away with it. I just have to be happy with the hunger I feel throughout the day--it's amazing, like nothing else, really, as I'm sure you know.