Megan's Journal

[CuteButPsycho567]

(Day 1)
Today is my first day back on my Ana journey. I will be having no food whatsoever until I reach my goal weight of 80-95 lbs. (Of course I'll eat before I die of starvation though! lol) I am ecstatic right now to start again, I haven't starved myself in months! Of course, my happiness will change when I start feeling the effects of hunger...the stomach growling, the hunger pain, the emptiness, the exhaustion, the so intense want for food, going to sleep for relief of the hunger and only dreaming about eating, waking up so hungry, etc. Also, even though I used to go weeks and weeks on 60 cals a day, I've only lasted the most of 6 days before on eating nothing because either I gave in or my mother found out and threatened to send me to a hospital that night unless I ate alot and in front of her, which ruined my water fast.
Here are my stats:
Height: 5 feet
Ana start: January 2005
Current water fast start: August 21, 2006
Lowest weight: 99 lbs
Highest weight: 144 lbs
Current weight: 144 lbs
Weight goal: 80-95 lbs
Day 1 weight: 144 lbs

(Day 2- today)
Today is Day 2. I'm proud of myself that I didn't give in and eat yesterday. When I felt like I was going to eat, I took a shower, chugged water, ate ice, and drank hot tea. Usually I would drink lots of Diet Coke on water fasts, but I don't have any. Besides, I want to see if I can do it without the help of Diet Coke. I feel good, probably because the exhaustion hasn't kicked in yet.
Day 2 Weight: 142/142.5
Pahvul, my new Au Pair who arrvied yesterday and replaced Franz, keeps fuckin offering to make me food! Franz only made dinner! C'est tres annoying....but I know he means well. So last night I "ate" his dinner (I had a few bites while acting nonchalant and took it into my room to dump the contents) and for breakfast this morning I "ate" my cereal in my room, doing the same thing and leaving the dishes with some food in it still in the sink. I just did it for lunch a second ago too. And I thought of a way to cover my ass when the doctor finds out im in ketosis!! I called Mom and told her I've been doing the excercises I used to do in my room, and that I went on the eliptical trainer, and I've only been eating at meal times. I said I've been doing it since Monday (which is when I really started the water fast) and that I feel lighter (which I do) and I "think" I'm in ketosis. She said not to obsess and go overboard and starve myself or excersise too much, which is what I used to do....but I think she believes me! Yay! Although she did say that I shouldn't be in ketosis at my age, but whatever. Hopefully my doctor will believe me too.

[CuteButPsycho567]

So I just checked my urine for ketones and I am NOT in ketosis, which means hopefully tomarrow the doctor will NOT be able to know I'm starving. I'm feeling mixed about it because I didn't want to have to re-start the fast but I don't want my mom and doctor to find out on the other hand. Oh well, it's for the best...so today is Day 1 again..

[CuteButPsycho567]

I just got back from the doctor's today. I made sure to eat last night because of the dr.'s appointment and i don't want my blood sugar to be too low cuz theyd notice im starving again. So today is day 1, and when I was weighed at the doctor's office I was 141 lbs! I am worried though because she wants to do another blood sugar test another day (I don't know why). Also, I'm worried about this weekend, because every weekend for lunch and dinner my family goes out to eat, where my mom will watch me like a hawk to make sure i eat ALOT, so that'll definately break my ketosis! > < GODDAMN I hate nosy parents! I know shes just trying to help, but still, I can never properly starve with her around! Also, next week the family is going to Bethany Beach, Maryland, for 3 days, the weekend before school starts. School starts a day after we get back. I want to be uber-thin by the time school starts, but Bethany Beach is getting in the way because how can I not eat when the family is around at all meal times?!
Day 1 weight: 141 lbs

[kira]

wow your doing really well! you've already lost like 3 pounds which is a great start, plus you feel a whole lot better when you see the results of all your hard work.. keep positive and im sure you'll make it!

[CuteButPsycho567]

thank you so much! *hugs*
if you ever wanna talk im here my email is [ EMAIL REMOVED ] [ Click here to know why ]

[CuteButPsycho567]

So today is Day 2. I'm still worried about how I'm going to fool my parents and not break ketosis this weekend, but whatever, i won't let that stop me from starving.
day 2 weight: 140 lbs
if anyone has any tips for fooling my parents, please let me know!

[CuteButPsycho567]

Today is Day 3. Yay! Last night I was so fucking close to giving in and eating...I even took a chewy bar from the kitchen and took it to my room to eat...but then it was like Anamadim was gently telling me not to do it, so I didn't eat. Now I'm happy I listened to Anamadim, because I'm 138 lbs and my stomach is almost totally flat! When I woke up I went to the kitchen and Mom was just leaving so I took a bite out of the muffins she made and chewed it nonchalantly while saying goodbye to her. Then after she left I got 2 more muffins and threw the wrappers in the trashcan but put the 3 actual muffins in a plastic bag which I'm hiding in one of my many purses. I was gonna hide it in the closet like I used to but we might be cleaning my room and I don't want her to find it. Then I put some Honey Nut Cheerios and milk in a bowl and left the dish in the sink, and did the same with popcorn in a bowl. I'm keeping a food diary so when she asks at dinner why I'm not eating I can read to her the list of what I "ate". Also when the plastic bags start to smell I throw them deep into the woods we live next to. Pretty clever, huh? Lol I'm proud. Oh and I checked my urine, and I'M IN KETOSIS! I'm so happy! Now to get out of lunch and dinner today and tomarrow...

[CuteButPsycho567]

Today is my Day 5. I awoke this morning feeling incredibly hungry and tired from not eating in 5 days. I guess not eating has finally caught up with me! I can barely move...plus mom made fresh brownies. Must not eat!! School starts in 8 days, on the 13th day of my fast, and I want to look emaciated by then hopefully. i want to at least look so thin people say "omg you lost weight!" plus i have a 401/501?K meeting (starting in 8th grade when I first developed anorexia my grades plummetted to all F's. luckily the school knew it was from the E.D. and made a special plan for students with "disabilities" to be graded differently. every year the school board re-evaluates the plan to see if i still need it) so I want the board to know I still need it, and the only way to do that is to be starved. Luckily that will be on the 13th day of my fast so I'll be starved and hopefully thin enough for them to notice.

I have a bi-weekly meeting with my therapist for an hour each time, which is today at 3. I have to pretend I'm eating normally. Wish me luck!

To motivate me I'll look at pics of Nicole Ritchie and re-try on my school clothes.

Oh, and I check every morning to see if I'm still in ketosis and I am now majorly (instead of minorly) in ketosis! So I should weigh alot less tomarrow.

Day 5 weight: 136 lbs