COE- battling the binge

[vicki]

KItten~

You have taken a page out of my book of life. I was beginning to think that I was the only one that binged like that. I've been better, except last night, I had a breakdown. Ate so much crap...that yep, it came back up into my throat. My stomach was so full, I just went into that all familiar food coma. I'm not good at the purging part...took a bunch of lax's, though, just to get that full feeling off me. (I know it won't help weight wise, but I can't stand the thought of all that food in me). I swore in my journal I wasn't going to eat, but ended up doing it anyway. I am disgusted with myself, but still feel so full today, that hopefully I will fast to punish myself for my glutony last night.

........I am so disgusted with myself. And the guy thing, omg, I could go on and on about that from when I was married and at my heaviest. Thank God, now, I don't see anyone. I could never let anyone get physically close enough or emotionally for that matter. If I am so disgusted with my body, I can't imagine what is going through the guy's head.

Just know I understand. Pm me if you ever want to talk. I'm here for anything.

Love and hugs~Vicky

[Melinda]

[Miss Fire]

This thread is so cathartic to read!!! When I had mia (got over it 6 yrs ago) I would plan a huge binge.... I would use it as a kind of past time. Instead of socialising or having a hobby well I had binge/purging. When I saw eating competitions on TV I would think to myself "I would be so good at that!" Although I was at a healthy weight my stomach was used to handling REALLY large quantities of food in a short amount of time.

Overeating really is an addiction and maybe it would be useful for you guys to research ways of getting over drug addiction because a lot of the techniques they use maybe applicable....just a thought.

Love Amaana

[Chocolate]

It's a strange compulsion. I don't think I have ever over eaten because I'm hungry. It's always a reaction to some other emotion. I think it can be controlled by fairly rigid regular healthy meals but that's easier said than done if you feel like this. It's a chicken and egg situation - if you were eating better you'd feel less depressed and then you wouldn't over eat on the wrong foods but you're too fed up to have the ability or desire to correct the over eating. It feels like a lack of strength of will (I have never ever been able to starve myself in anyway or vomit or anything like that).

But as someone said above it's no different from the desire to cut or starve. Same feeling, much less understanding. And the more you do it the worse you feel and the worse you look. You don't even get any advantage of looking slimmer and people complimenting you on that.

[*Chibs*]

Hi there guys, i'm new here, and Omg I cant believe there are people out there doing this exact same thing. I can’t believe it. Everyone I ever see seems to be just normal you know, and here I am afraid to talk to anyone coz what I do is NOT normal, and even if we tried to explain what we do to other people, it just wouldn’t make sense to them.

I know this. I used to be one of those ultra Ethiopia type anorexics and everyone would just constantly say “just eat” and ask me “why do you want to lose weight? Boys liked you better before this diet”. Oh god if I had any say in what I do in terms of my disordered self, I would DUH - STOP!

I used to be terrified and disgusted by both food and the act of eating. Now the other extreme has hit, out of bloody nowhere. I don’t know if anyone still visits this thread, but I just need to tell someone you know anyone. And you guys are the first people I have ever seen who might actually understand my screwed up ways

The binges started simple enough – first with just eating (which I rarely did), then to finishing other family members plates, and sneaking into the kitchen at night to knock off the leftovers if there were any….then of course the buying of lots of food, or trying to only keep healthy things in the house, but still managing to make a binge out of them. Finishing WHOLE 2L tubs of ice-cream in a sitting, only to have to quickly go out and replace it, or starting with one cookie from the packet one minute, to tipping it in your mouth to get ever crumb the next – only to then go back to replace it so the parentals wouldn’t know, but of course that new packet never makes it home does it.

Now i’m dirt. Complete dirt. You are all such beautiful people and it hurts me to hear that you are all feeling this horrible pain that I too feel. I have gone beyond a decent person. I am hardly ever hungry, yet I eat eat eat and BOY do I eat.

I have now reached the stage where I sill do ANYTHING for food. I have stolen out of friends kitchens during the night, out of peoples bags at work (only food ofcourse), o go to the staff room and eat the lunches people bring for themselves. I don’t deserve to live. What person would do this!!! I HATE IT!!! I HATE ME!!! I’m worse than dirt.

There is more. I haven’t had the courage to tell anyone my most disturbing secret: I eat out of bins. And I don’t just mean my own! I will go into my back lane and look into my neighbour’s garbage for any half finished chocolates, take aways, biscuits, ANYTHING! I wish I could just die. I’m not my skinny self anymore. I have tripled my size, and am a mess. I tell myself with every binge that it’s ok for now, because soon I will go back to anorexia and be thin again. But I don’t think I can. I pray every night for my Ana willpower again. It used to come so naturally and now I can’t last 10 minutes after getting out of bed.

I’m just really scared chickens. I’m so glad there are people out there who understand. I wish I could find some offline, but everyone in my life is normal with food. I wish I wish SO BAD my addiction was drugs or alcohol. Why? The reason is sick but true: I could be thin.

I used to cut, then I starved, and now I binge. What disturbing manifestation will I pick up next?? I wish this fucking storm would just pass already, coz I feel I’ve been waiting forever for my bloody rainbow!!!!

*sorry for the rant – I have so much to say, and not so much talent to get it out right.

[Amoobaa]

Hy everyone, i just joined and have read this whole thread. Like some of the other people here i have never been officially diagnosed with an ED but i think that's down to my fluctuating weights and ability to cover up after myself.

I have always stuggled with food since i can remember. When i was 15 though, i just went on a diet that had no goals, it was just a diet, to get thin, to make me happy and i lost a lot of weight and people said 'god how did you do that?' and i'd just smile and be embarrassed and i'd say 'i've just stopped snacking' but the truth was, i'd stopped eating. and the best part was that i enjoyed every sencond of it, it was not hard at all. Then one day a friends mum forced me to eat some sweets and thatwas it. ruined.

I saw some people said that they are kinda 'all or nothing' i can relate to that so well- it's always one extreme or the other with me.. I had those sweets and that was it, i couldn't stop. It's ok when you don't eat anything bad and you eat really small meals, but one slip up and it's all ruined and i start eating loads.

I've been trying to figure out why i do it and i've been talking to my bf, he is skinny and never overeats, he can't.. he's one of those 'when i'm full up i just can't eat anymore' kind of people. I tried to explain to him that i don't even want the food, but i go into this weird kindof mesmerised state where i just start mindlessly opening cuboards and eating. Some times i do it so quick i don't even know whats going on- a mixture of fear that the food might run away or i might change my mind, or someone might walk in and see me or stop me. How weird is that? Like i have to eat quickly, stuff it all in... into my bloated stupid body, fill it out, fill it up, make that bloated full, satisfied, 'cared for' fullness settle over me, in me, make me whole. make me ok.

Then after i just wonder why? Why did i do that im not even hungry, it wasn't even that nice, why did i do it when all i had to do was keep my mouth shut and it could have been a good day? It's like i have two minds, one fighting against the other, half of me always trying to sabbotage anything good i do.

I've lost three stone since january 2007 so thats three stone in four months. It's ok because i needed to loose it, but i wanted to do it healthily, and thats not really healthy.

It's been a struggle of ' helathy eating must eat healthily, small meals, healthy food, no pasta, lots of wholegrains and salad...lots of weight loss' and then suddenly the binge will come. but the reason why ive lost the weight is because each time the binge comes, i say to myself, 'hey, you know what- this isnt your fault! You didn't mean to be this way and it certainly doesn't make you happy! IT's not your fault, just keep going!' and so each time i try and think about why i did it and why i am the way i am. I make myself carry on- usually i'd say- 'ARGH! I've ruined everything, i give up!" but now i just keep going.

It's not always been this way. Before i decided to loose the weight i used to eat and eat and eat and eat. Like someone else said, i'd sometimes plan it, i'd much rather stay in on my own and enjoy a massive feast, everything done just the way i want it.

I was wondering a couple of things- does anyone else here feel like they are craving sympathy, affection and compassion from their parents. do you feel like someone in youn life has pushed you aside or perhaps never been able to sympathise with you, they always belittle your problems or make you out to be a hypochondriac? why can't they just say 'it's ok, don't worry," and give you a hug not "Oh don't be silly, you're fine"

My answer- OF COURSE I'M FINE! I always am, i am always fine because i have to be. I know im ok, all i wanted was a bit of sympathy.

Apparantly over eating has a strong link with 'mothers' if your mother didn't pay you enough attention etc- obviously thats a huge generalisation but apparantly thats a train of thought.

Also, i wondered if anyone else feels that they grew up/grow up in a house where food is a huge issue?

Either where it is associated with being good or bad, or where it is controlled, where you have to sit down at meal times and you have to eat what is on offer- you can't decide what you want to eat or when. Also 'pudding is at puddin time and if you're too full to eat it you still do it anyway cos otherwise you'll miss out'.

my friends used to come over and ask to have something fro our very well stocked kitchen- and id always have to say, 'sorry we're not allowed that'. I always thought it was normal till i moved out and saw how other people do things.

Heres one of my mums more insane theories....

"No you can't have any of that fanta/coke etc from the big bottle because (and heres the best bit...) because if we open it, then it'll go flat really quickly, therefore we can't open it unless we drink it in one go and we can't drink it in one go because that's unhealthy, so we have to wait until there are enough people to open it an drink it in one go, for example a party or something."

I don't know about anyone else, but i think thats kind of weird- and if that was an exeption, then fine- but its not, it's the same with everything.

You aren't allowed anything in my house. i dont live there anymore but my 16 yr old brother does, he is very over weight. i just wish i coulod help him and myself.. i wish i could do something..

Im either underweight or over weightm theres no imbetween

Hope you are all ok, would love to hear your opinions

lotsa love xxx

[Jaja]

Amoobaa, I agree that the attitudes to food which we are exposed to growing up have a definite influence on how we react to food later in life.

I also had a mother with a very odd attitude to food. Very similar experiences to you. Food was severely rationed even though there was plenty in the cupboards, I wasn't allowed to eat a single thing without permission... doing so was considered "stealing" and resulted in a serious punishment.

As I reached my teens (and needed more food obviously...) my mother constantly called me greedy and made a scene if I said I was still hungry after I had finished my tiny meal. This was despite the fact that by the age of 16 I weighed under 90lbs and was assumed anorexic by people who didn't know the food situation in my family.

Strangely enough my mother had no food issues apart from the rationing of her children's. She has never been on a diet or been bothered by weight issues. It seemed more that she simply had no idea what a normal amount of food was.

Anyway, now as an adult I certainly have issues with food. I wouldn't define them as any specific eating disorder but most of the time I find it very hard to eat, I feel hungry but the thought of actually putting something in my mouth and swallowing it makes me feel sick. On the other hand, I also have times when I will binge like mad. Like some of the people here have said, I would actually plan a binge... you know, go out and buy a whole load of food and just scoff the lot.

I don't feel happy if I can see any fat on my body, I guess I see it as a manifestation of my "greediness". Even though the logical part of my mind tells me I'm not overweight some less rational part of me still believes that when I go out people will hoot and stare and be disgusted by my revolting flab.

And yes, my mother was a very very cold person, there were no cuddles, hugs or kisses, just constant critisism. I try to never think of my childhood but your post made me feel like sharing... since its the first time I've heard anyone else say their mother wouldn't allow them to eat. Most people seem to complain that their mothers were constantly trying to feed them.

Anyhooo... that's my little say, that I signed up specifically to say....lol.

All the best to everyone

[Amoobaa]

Hey, thank you so much for replying to my post and for sharing that! I am surprised by how uncommon this actually seems- (maybe it's not, maybe people just don't talk about it!) but either way, none of my peers seem to understand it when i explain it.

My mum didn't really under feed us, like you described your mum doing- but she definitely rationed us. When you said that bit about taking food without asking was like stealing, it rang a bell in my head... like an alarm bell! i remember my parents saying, "If you come along and just take things out of the fridge without asking, it's like stealing" and this seems to me an almost normal thing, i kind of accept it when it comes from their mouths, but i'd be so surprised if anyone else said it and i'd certainly never say it to my own children if i had any.

Thank you so much for sharing those things.

I remember this one time when i was about 19 years old. my mum has this thing about eating left overs and not wasting anything- she doesn't like you opening anything new.

Anyway, she said 'theres some rice and cold curried chicken' in the frisge, have some of that for your dinner if you like.

So i did.

Then about four days later i looked in the fridge and there was a huge tub or rice and a huge tub of cold curried chicken, so i sat down and had some of that.

In the morning (I had my boyfriend staying over) I was woken by screaming and shouting and my mum was screaming at me, so i got up.

I'm 21 now so it wasn't that long ago, but i don't really remember what happened that well.

I just remember them screaming and saying how stupid i was and that didn't i realise it was for a picnic that they were going to today? how could i ahve not know? they'd been talking about it for ages, they said, how could i have been so F-ing stupid and dumb and greedy. My Dad was red in the face and he was saying, 'you stupid stupid stupid STUPID girl'.

They were throwing things around and then my mum was crying and stormed off to the garage at the end of the garden, they were saying that there were no more ingredients to make anymore and that the whole picnid (some open air concert they were going to with friends..) was ruined and all because of me. How stupid could i have been, how could i have taken without asking, how could i do this to them they were saying.

When my mum had gone to the garage, my dad started throwing chairs around and i was trying to explain that i wasn't sure why it was so bad? why did this mean so much, no matter what i'd done, it wasn't really hurting anyone and i was sorry and it was a mistake, i hadn't meant to upset them this much.

Then all i remember was being in the bathroom and at the other end of the hall/landing on the opposite side was my dad in my parents bedroom.

I remember saying 'Dad, if it was so important, THIS important why didn't someone tell me? Why didn't some one say, 'don't eat that rice and chicken' why didn't someone warm me?' and that was the biggest mistake of all, because in response my dad went mental, he started screaming and cursing and calling me every name under the sun, he said, what made me think that THEY had to tell ME i shouldn't eat their food, he said that I was the one who had to ask THEM before i ate anything.... and that it was THEIR food and their fridge and i had to ASK before i took. He wa souotraged that u should suggest that they ought to tell me not to eat the rice an chicken. He literally ran at me and was half down the hall/landing and he stopped and grabbed the banister and was shaking and screaming and then he started screaming up to my boyfriend telling him to F off and that all he did was come to ther house and eat all their food.

Then that was it, they were gone, thats all i remember. i vaguely remember my dad saying sorry a few days later and strangely enough this upset me even more, to think that the whole time he was saying those things and making me feel so bad, he was wrong! that he knew he was unjustified in getting so mad, it had been easier for me to just accept it was my fault, but to hear him say sorry... well that just made me feel worse! IT made me relalise that my own parents were capeable of being that mean to me, that unfair.

Whenever i try and mention it now and ask for an explanation, they act like it never really happened and that it wasn't that bad. but it was.

It was for me.

I hope you don't mind me sharing all that, i hope everyones ok,

take care X

[Jaja]

Thanks for sharing that Amoobaa, that must've been a pretty crap experience, it doesn't feel good at all to have someone accusing you of being greedy and stealing their food. I used to have nightmares where I dreamt I just suddenly lost control and started grabbing food off total strangers and they were disgusted and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me from embarrassment... weird i know.

It's funny isn't it.... I think perhaps sometimes parents are unaware how much of an impact their behaviour has on their children. Like with the rice incident there, it sounds like they were really stressed (for whatever reason, maybe it wasn't even really about the picnic) and just vented without really thinking.... and because it wasn't a big deal to them they will never understand just how bad they made you feel... calling you greedy and making you feel like a thief in your own home, not to mention laying a guilt trip on you for "ruining their picnic".

I actually think it might be a control thing... in my mothers case it almost certainly was, she just needed to be completely in charge down to the last detail... I don't understand exactly but I don't blame her because I know she's not a bad person, just completely misguided. And perhaps her own parents never showed her any affection so she doesn't know how.

I guess with your dad he knew he went too far, and it's nice that he apologized though I know what you mean about it making you feel worse.

It's especially hard though when you know that even though they apologized they don't really comprehend just exactly what was so wrong about their behaviour.... even harder when you have to watch them put your younger siblings through the same torment. I understand totally your concern for your little brother. I'm the oldest child so I suffered absolute torments watching my parents make the same mistakes with my little sister. I just tried to always be there for her though I doubt I did a good job seeing as I am pretty much totally messed up myself.

At the moment I'm eating mainly just protein, mostly tinned fish such as tuna. It solves the binging problem because without the carbs I don't get any sudden uncontrollable cravings.. and also gives me the same control I feel when I eat nothing at all but without the horrible side effects of starving.

I can buy 14 tins of tuna and know that my food for the week is sorted so I don't need to worry. A tin in the morning and a tin in the evening. I also eat tomatoes because they're a good source of vitamins and the little cherry tomatoes are good for snacking on if I do feel hungry. At least it makes me feel happy that I'm burning off fat but in a reasonably healthy way. It seems to suit me anyway, my skin looks healthy and I have more energy. I've been eating this way for a few months and only had one major binge after a night of boozing. Booze is my enemy!

That threw me off track a little because of the all or nothing way of thinking, like ah well, I've had some chips now so I might as well buy every greasy item I can lay my hands on and scarf it down but I got it back under control now... ha.

Take care x

[Melinda]

Chibs, sorry, I know you posted this a while ago, but I really identified with part of your post...

[Samadhi]

I'm here too! Making us a dozen? More? Many more? I don't know, but I'm really glad I'm not alone here. If I leave my computer now, I'll eat, so I better stay here and lose weight by not eating. The only thing I desperately want to be. Thin. And I'm on my way to the weight I once had, starting at 200 lbs and hopefully lose half of me - to gain back the other half of my soul. I'm at about 168 now, desperately want to shrink, to feel the hunger. Sounds depressed, is depressed. But I'm so glad I'm not alone in this world, reading your posts is really like a mirror to me. The only positive mirror.
Take care.
Samadhi

[Melinda]

Hi Samadhi, glad you're here! I'm impressed that you're staying on the computer to avoid eating - I'm a big one for eating in front of the computer! (greasy fingers on a laptop, never good!)

[Melinda]

Hm - I had made a post about COE buddies, which seems to have been deleted - I wonder why? I think the buddy system would be quite useful for us trying to overcome COE...

[kt]

I can't believe there are so many people here that share the identical problems as me. WOW, this is incredible! It feels like the life I've been living for the past four years has been described perfectly here.

Im sorry if my life story is incredibly long, but here it goes. i think my bineging problem started with my first real long-term boyfriend..i'm not sure why, but fact is it did. For those 3 long years our relationship was a mess because of my problem (which by the way my bf had no idea & never did have any idea about it). I've NEVER EVER told anyone about my problem. im too ashamed, disgusted with myself & dont want to admit it. For three years with my bf I didn't want to go out cause I didn't want people to see me at the weight i was at. i kept waiting until i would get skinny again, or lose the weight and then i'd go out with him, but that never happened. and so i spent 3 years of my life hibernating at home, not socializing. I would have huge fights with him because of him seeing other beautiful women on tv or real-life and him possibly being attracted to them or turned on. and that was only because i felt so disgusted in myself and had such low self-esteem. i hated being intimate with him because i felt crap about my body. and have always had an emotional problem with sex. i always felt like i was being used by him like a prostitute. anyway after 3 years of that he broke up with me.
i lost so much weight after the breakup and felt so in control of my life again. i was going out, looking and feeling beautiful! i was skinny again! i went from about 55kgs to 48kgs.

Now somewhere along the line ive gained the weight back and lost control again. my weight currently is between 53-54kgs and im disgusted with myself! im hibernating at home again cause i dont want anyone to see how fat ive gotten and how unattractive i look.

I have a very all-or-nothing mindset. I either restrict or beinge. ive lost the ability to just eat 'normally'. however, i do tell myself that once gotten to my goal weight, i'll eat small normal meals...we'll see about that.

Im sorry i cant mention all names from previous posts. but i went down the same path as someone earlier mentioned. my journey to where i am began with cutting. i would watch the blood drip to release the emotion. then my bf got angry about me doing that so i had to stop. so next i turned to ana. i didnt even know what i was doing was ana at the time, but i'd consume 700cals or less a day and exercise. i loved the feeling of control...i miss that feeling.

then the therapist i see (who ive been seeing for that past three years courtesy of my bf..) told me i was ana. i got frightened by the thought and once i knew wat it was i was doing, i couldnt do it anymore. And now days my mind-set is so "healthy" that i find it hard to find ana again..but i want her back so badly! im out of control and miserable without her. i guess my way around it is to try not think of it as ana, rather just a strict diet until i get down to my goal weight.

isn't it funny how dangerous and mentally "unhealthy" ana is considered. and how it is so looked-down upon. but what about over-eating. no-body severly condones over-eating. it's interesting how i feel im doing more wrong by undereating than overeating. i fear losing control to ana if i begin restricing...but the joke is...wat control do i have to lose, ive already lost control to overeating. am i more scared of losing control and being too skinny than being fat... that doesnt make sense since i want more than anything to be skinny again.

And another thing that actaully made me tear up incredibly while reading these posts is about mothers. I think unfortunately a lot of blame is owed to my mother as much as I love her. My family have never been much to express feelings. My mom is a very "get over it" "deal with it" kinda person. I've never thought of myself as needing sympathy and comfort. but now that i think about it, it really hits home! I feel like my emotional needs as a child were rejected and abandoned. that hurts.

i could type for hours about this considering i talk to absolutely no-one about this. not even my therapist of three years knows about my bingeing problems. Im too embarrassed in myself to tell her. Tell her how i'd binge at night once everyone was asleep not able to witness it. how if there was no junk food i'd binge in large quanities on normal food. eat until my stomach looked preganant, until i felt sick and disgusted in myself.

I agree with that fact that i've lost the ability to eat when im hungry. i dont anymore. i eat emotionally not physically. when i binge i dont binge out of hunger. Sometimes I'll try restrict but...once ive eaten one wrong thing, even a little bit, it's all over and the binge begins.

But i need to stop. for myself and my life. i need to stop. i need to lose the weight so i can feel good about myself again. so i can go out with friends again. i cant remember the last time i went shopping to actually buy clothes cause im always waiting until im skinny again. Well, the time is now. i have to start now. i cant get back into this rut again, it needs to be over. I need to gain control back again and keep it for good.