my new journal

[lifes_a_struggle]

so i havent posted here for a while but have managed to come back. its been so hard not being able to post and get support and encouragement. ive been watched lately and also the lap top broke so i couldnt even sneak on here...

i couldnt be bothered to scroll through and find my old journal cause it will be so far back in the pages, so i though i would just start a new one. i have had a shocking day so far...i have eaten 2 slices of toast, a bacon sandwich and 2 cookies. its taking all that i have not to try and throw it up but i dont do that anymore. i am going to the gym later so i am just going to have to burn it off the hard way.

i went shopping the other day though as a reward for doing so well on the diet and i am now a size 6 in clothes so i am so happy although i still feel fat. my arms just wont seem to tone and they just look flabby. but i guess i will see stuff wrong whatever i do.

[lifes_a_struggle]

went to the gym yesterday but didnt have a very good work out. felt really funny so had to stop after 45 mins which was so annoying. think i will go swimming tonight and i will definitely start back on the diet. its so frustrating though i seem to try so hard and then i cant see any change.

my goal is 91lbs but that just seems so far away cause i am losing literally 1lb every week which is nothing. i have a goal to reach and i only have 3 months to get there. so far today i have eaten 1 bowl of shreddies and i am not going to eat anything else until tonight. i have taken to drinking coffee to try and fill me up but i dont know if this is causing me to keep weight on or not.

[lifes_a_struggle]

so i wrote this massive entry and then needed to change my ticker and lost the whole damn thing. so i will do my best to write it again.

thursday - i had 2 weetabix, a packet of quavers, and a jacket potato.

friday - i had 2 weetabix, a packet of quavers, and a jacket potato.

saturday - i had 2 weetabix and then a healthy living burger

sunday - i had 2 weetabix, lasagna and then a chocolate brownie pudding.

i felt bad about last night but my partner is on a healthy weight loss thing and he gets 1 treat a week so we went out for dinner and he had been saying stuff about me not eating so i wanted to get him off my back.

i went to the gym on thursday and sunday and had really good work outs too so when i weighed myself this morning i was 107 lbs which means i have lost 3lbs in 4 days which is good going. i am noticing a difference in myself too, my clothes are fitting better and look better.

so far today i have had my 2 weetabix and i will try not to have anything for lunch but will maybe have to have a low fat bag of crisps just to give me a bit of energy and then will have something small and low fat for dinner.

i have been going to the gym 3 times a week which is really paying off but i would love to be able to go every night but i am spending 2 hours in there and i ache too much the next day. i will try and do the 100 sit ups each night cause my stomach is one of the areas i want to improve on.

[lifes_a_struggle]

so yesterday kinda went a bit bad - i did so good in the morning but then my boyfriend came home we had a massive fight then went out to the pub. i had 2 vodka and diet cokes, half a glass of wine and a sparkling orange juice which i know was 135kals. i also had a mega size bag of quavers which was 180kals and then also i had a 99 with bumblegum sauce. i dread to think how much i ate in that short space of time but its so bad.

i am so going to the gym tonight and am going to eat as little as possible today to try and balance it out. i so didnt want to go out and drink and then when you drink you just want to eat but we were trying to make up so it would have been rude to say no when he was trying so hard.

at least i have the gym to look forward to. i think i will try to do at least 2 hours of cardio and weights, probably half and half. although i did have quite a big shock this morning when i weighed myself - 106lbs - which means i am 1lb less than yesterday. although thats probably water weight or something though it still counts and just brings me one step closer to my goal.

[lifes_a_struggle]

god today is just so hard i feel like i just want to cram everything i can into my mouth and its taking everything i have not to. i have had 2 weetabix for breakfast and now have drunk 1 cup of coffee, a packet of mango chilli crisps and a slice of ham which comes to 98kal plus 8kal. so total kals for today is 264kals which isnt too bad. i so want not to binge cause i am doing so well. i have lost 4 pounds this week and i know that i can lose more if i put my mind to it. i just have to stay strong.

i am getting married this summer and have less than 3 months to look the best i can. everyones eyes are going to be on me for the day and i want to be the thinnest and prettiest girl in the room. thats whats keeping me motivated right now. those photos of the big day will be there for all to see and i want to look perfect.

my boyfriend says that i am tiny but curvy which he thinks is a compliment but that just spurs me on more. i get so uncomfortable talking about my weight. people i havent sen for 2 years always say that i have lost loads of weight but thats true cause i used to be 10stone which is massive for my tiny frame.

it would be great to here some words of encouragement from all you other fellow "dieters" out there. i would love to post pictures but i am too afraid of someone recognizing me. if anyone found out then that would be the end. my boyfriend says that if i get too skinny he will force me to eat or leave me. i dont want either of them to happen.

maybe as time goes by i will post a before and after but i am super careful about this kind of stuff...

it just feels so good to be able to vent all my thoughts and feelings on here. its kind of like a diary too, not just for the weight stuff. well i guess thats enough for now but please any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

back soon ....

[lifes_a_struggle]

agh - i was doing so good but i have just eaten a ham and avocado sandwich and i worked out its 546 kals for it which is terrible. i have literally ruined all my days hard work. so that means i have eaten over 700 maybe 800kals today. well i am hitting the gym in like 45mins so hopefully i will be able to work at leat half of it off so it wont be as bad. anyways i will update again tomorrow so wish me luck!

[lifes_a_struggle]

so yesterday was quite bad on food but then i spent a couple of hours in the gym. when i weighed myself this morning i was the same weight so i feel a little better. i have a couple of job interviews today so am having a couple of slices of brown toast with jam so i wont be tempted to snack during the day.

also i guess its kind of psychological cause if i eat first thing then i know i have eaten and i don't seem to get stomach pains but also i know that it gives me all day to burn off the calories. i worked so hard in the gym last night. i ached so much when i came out. i could have stayed longer but we had other commitments. hopefully we can go again tonight but i dont know if the other half will be quite so enthusiastic. he is at work all day unlike me who just has a couple of interviews.

i so hope i get a job soon though cause i really need to get out of the house everyday and not just for a couple of hours. anyways i will know better after today so fingers crossed. i think i will just try and stick to coffee whilst i am out and then by the time i get home it will be dinner time which should fit in nicely. i am hoping to be able to get down to 103lbs by the end of the week which is just 3lbs to go and i have 5 days. although saturday is going to be hard cause we are going out with friends for dinner and bowling and it will be too hard to not eat anything at dnner cause it will just look rude. so i will have to be super good all day and save it all till dinner.

[lifes_a_struggle]

so yesterday just went from bad to worse with the food thing. i started out with 2 slices of toast and jam which was about 200kals. then my boyfriend came home early so we had lunch which was a jacket potato with chicken mayo. that was all i was going to have but it was st georges day and so we went out. i don't even remember how much i had to drink but i know it was a lot. then i had 2 packets of bacon fries [those little bar snacks] and then a mixed kebab on the way home with mayo and barbaque sauce. god i feel sick this morning. i feel like im going to throw up but it wouldnt do any good for the food cause i have already taken in the calories last night so its too late

[lifes_a_struggle]

i have had quite a bad 3 days this weekend but got everything back together on sunday. i went back into the gym on sunday and worked out for 2 and 1/2 hours. am starting my new job today so everything should be so much easier now cause i wont be just sat around the house with nothing to do.

am planning to go to the gym again tonight just for cardio though, am doing weights every other night but want to push myself and speed up the weight loss. it seems like its taking forever.

so far today i have had my normal 2 weetabix and that hopefully will keep me going till tonight.

[lifes_a_struggle]

so yesterday didnt go quite as planned. i got taken out for lunch with my new bosses so i had to order something off the menu and not just fast like i planned. grrr so annoying.

so today am starting over which should be easier seeing as i doubt they will take me out 2 days in a row. i didnt even get to the gym last night although did take the dog for an hour long walk so felt a little bit better.

will definately be gyming tonight though so looking at about 2 hours min.

[lifes_a_struggle]

well yesterdays gyming went very well. and today was a huge success. i had 2 weetabix with semi skimmed milk for breakfast, an apple for lunch and half a healthy eating lasange with salad for dinner. i drank coffee and diet coke all day and worked out at the gym for 45 mins. i burnt 250kals at the gym and consumed 128kal [weetabix], 55kal [apple] 128kal [half healthy eating lasange] 10kal [salad] 3 cups coffee 30kal

total = 351kals - 250kals [lost at gym]

= 101kals consumed all day which is fantastic.

today is the first day of many good ones and now i know i can do it!

i am so happy with myself. i spent all last night looking at thinspo of mary-kate and now i feel it paid off.

[marjaana84]

Don't worry about having bad days! They probably just speed up your metabolism, and for me they give extra motivation 'cause I know I can do better
(or at least that's what I repeat to myself, and sometimes it really helps me to work extra hard the next day)

Saw that you were thinking that it would be nice to post pics but that you were afraid someone would recognize you... Been feeling the same myself. I've never had a buddy here, but if you feel like it, maybe we could pm sometimes for motivation?

Oh, and I assume you're British (from using the word crisps, am I right?). Well, I'm here only as an exchange student so you wouldn't need to worry about someone finding out

Have a skinny day!

[lifes_a_struggle]

yeah that would be great, it would be nice to pm someone when its getting tough or you need advice. thanks.

i had such a good day yesterday. i had 2 weetabix for breakfast, a coffee from lunch and half a healthy living lasange with small salad for dinner. i had a chocolate hightlights bar as a treat cause i worked at the gym for 2 and half hours. so calories eaten are 556kals. which is very good.

hopefully i will be able to do the same today but am not going to the gym this eve cause got other stuff to do so will have to make sure am strict today. am going to weight myself tomorrow to see if there has been any change.