good girls don't swallow.

[emmariikka]

Hey you. I just read over your journal. I've been lurking so many journals here but I seldom reply to any of them.. Even though I'd wanted. I'm ashamed my english and sometimes I just don't have the time. But your journal is so interesting that I definitely want to keep on reading. You seem like a busy person, you have so much things going on in your life! Good luck with your band. Does your band have any website or anything where I could hear you out? I'd like to hear what kind of music you play. You said that you sound somewhat like some other band but ofcourse I don't know that band....

One thing bothers me and I hope you don't mind me asking but... You were talking about your girlfriend.. Do you mean like a friend who happens to be a girl or like a girlfriend?

You sound quite similar to me.. I'm adopted too but instead of music I exercise... And I don't live with my parents but they still have quite a strong control over my life 'cause I want to please them so much.

Oh well, that's enough for today, keep up the good work and keep us posted girl! And sorry for my English, I hope you still understund...

[small_angel]

my god it's been ages again. i'm getting bad at being consistent. >.<

updates! i am currently around 100 pounds, because my parents made me gain 5 after i came back from france. -_- i was getting so close to my goal! but i guess 5 is better than the 20 they'd load back on me if i went back into recovery. ugh.
well, for the past 5 days i've been on an all-liquid fast, and i'm feeling okay. really faint, though. i keep going out of it. :/ but i'm sure i'm losing weight, so it's all worth it!
i need to start exercising again, though. there's bones all poking through my back and even though that's what i REALLY want, people get suspicious. and when people get suspicious, things get bad. :[ but i don't like muscle. just a little tone up so it's not so obvious there's something going on. bleh. why can't people just understand?!
gah. the one thing i hate is that i'm always so goddamn cold! and it hurts to sit and lean. lol but i guess that's worth it all, too.

oh, and emmariikka:
i'm honoured that you decided to post in my journal. ^-^ thank you! and i don't mind how your english is, so it's okay.
my band is eventually going to make a website, but we don't have one yet. i'll keep you updated on that, though.
oh. :[ i'm sorry if it bothers you - she was my girlfriend. as in, my significant other. but we're broken up at the moment. :[ so i've really got nothing to type about her.
ah i definitely know what you mean when you say you want to please your parents. -_- but i wish i could move out now. things are getting pretty bad being here right now. meh.

well, i hope you all have been doing well. <3
stay strong; stay in control!

[musicwithoutlimelight]

HEY! A fellow musician! That's awesome.

Oh, and by the way, I'm loving your pics. Your shoulders DO look great!

Have fun in France! Lucky....

[emmariikka]

Oh, I'm sorry about that they made you gain... But hey, you don't have to be angry with yourself because you didn't cause that. You were forced to gain so please, don't feel bad about that.

Ouch, I didn't mean like it bothered me, I was like... wondering. Because I'm gay too and that's the reason why I asked. I'm sorry about you breaking up. I hope you don't feel too about that though.

Thank god it's going to be summer soon because I'm also so cold all the time and it's so annoying! And my fingernails gets blue and it looks like I'm dead so I know what you mean...

Remember to update when you have time, I really want to hear how you're doing ! <3

[emmariikka]

Gosh, you are tiny! They really are your ribs girl! Your hair is great, like pinkish or something?

You are so right about that you really can't keep on wishing, you have to do something! It's the will part!

May I ask how tall are you? I was thinking that maybe we are quite same, if so, that would be great! And may I ask how old are you? Hehe, all this questions, you don't have to answer if you don't feel like telling.

Argh, I'm sorry again for my English. I read over my last post and all those mistakes! I have dyslexia (I have no idea whatsoever how it's spelled!) if you know what I mean.. I mean it's hard for me to spell words right and my sentences can miss words and all that. But it bothers me because I have a quite good knowledge about English because I've lived in England and Canada but writing and speaking are two different things.. I can speak fluently and people in Finland are always saying that my pronounciaton is good but writing is so hard... Well, enough for that, it just annoys me.

I feel you about understanding each other better when both are gays.. The same thing goes with anorexia. Well, for me being lesbian has never caused any problems but I understand if it has for some people. I mean some other gay people. Where do you live, are people tolerant toward gays there?

Ouch, enough all ready, I got carried away again ! Well, have a nice rest of the week and good luck!!!

[small_angel]

wow i'm getting bad at this. >.<
updates are as follows: i went on a 5-day fast, but then i had a "re-coping" day and got so scared if i had gained that i still have not weighed myself. -_- i am such a fat piece of dirt. i didn't eat a single thing yesterday, but i had a little today because of people bugging me about "bones this, weight that". fucking people. they think healthy is overweight. they think normal is fat. it's disgusting.
i feel like i'm a balloon, and someone keeps blowing air into me; like they want to see just how big i'll get before i pop. i feel so heavy, so full, so dirty, so absolutely disgustingly fat. i can't take it.
i don't even know how much i weigh anymore.
i want to starve and starve and starve and exercise my heart to breaking point; and then wake up one morning and be 70 pounds, 65, 60... air. purity. control. i want to wake up one morning and be a word, not a body, not something dirty.
i want to wake up one morning and be thin.

to emmariikka:
thank you. ^____^ i wish i were on more so we could talk lots. heehee.
i am 5 feet, 1 inch. >.< meh. lol and i'm 16; 17 in october.
love, i don't mind if you make mistakes when you spell or when you speak. trust me, i understand. <3

same here - i've never really had any problems with me being gay. i live in south central pennsylvania - where people tend to be conservative, but in my high school there isn't much hate. half my friends are gay. ^-^ meh you hear shit a lot, but i'm one of those kids who everyone's either scared to death of or really in to, so people don't mess with me. i've got it pretty good i guess, because my girlfriend was a victim of some pretty bad stuff before i came along. :[ my parents are the worst i get. i actually got kicked out for a while when i came out to them.
we basically don't speak of my sexual orientation. -_- though outside of the home, everyone knows! lol XD i'm glad to hear you have it pretty easy too.

i hope your week is going nicely. <3

stay strong; STAY IN CONTROL!

[omnifabulous]

you are really tiny. I thought i would post just to say hey. I might have wanted to say something else but i completely forget..

[lifes_a_struggle]

hey there,

you're the same height as i am. its so cool to find someone that is my height and around the same weight. well, i am 106lbs currently. and my first goal is 91lbs. you have done so well so far its so refreshing to hear someone who is so determined. i love reading your journal and the pics are awesome. you look so good. keep up the hard work and you will reach your goals

[emmariikka]

Several times I tried to reply to you but I was always EATING when I had the time so I was ashamed... But now I have the time and I'm not eating! I have hungover... In Finlad 1st of May's eve is a day when almost the whole country is drunk...

Arggh, people annoys me too! They always tell me that I should eat this and that but fuck, I know what's best for me! And what I should do and it just isn't anybody's business! You are so determined but I hope that it doesn't get too bad... You don't want to mess up your whole body, do you? I mean, metabolism, osteoporosis and all that... You know. But I admire your willpower!

It's good to hear that you don't have problems with being gay... But I'm sorry for your girl, I hope things are better now! Where I live nobody has ever said anything negative to me about that thing.. Except my parents. Or maybe I just don't remember because I just don't take shit from people, I just don't listen. I'm sorry that your parents acted like they did, my mum didn't speak with me in three weeks so I kind of understund that it feels bad.. But I hope that as the years go by things get better, that's what happened to me, nowadays my mum sometimes even want's to know if I have somebody or something going on.