An honest conversation with myself...

[musicwithoutlimelight]

This morning, I did one of the hardest things I've ever done. My brother was baking cupcakes for some reason this morning, the cherry-flavored Betty Crocker kind with the vanilla icing with the sprinkles in it, and I decided I wanted one. I'd had some cereal for breakfast, so I wasn't hungry, but I LOVE those little cupcakes! He had just taken a batch out of the oven, so I iced one up, and went and sat in my room at my desk and stared at it.

A battle ensued in my head. The smell of it was driving me crazy, and my mouth was watering so bad, that I almost couldn't stand it. I kept rationalizing in my head that it was just ONE cupcake. I've been working really hard lately, so I could treat myself. And then there was another part of me, the voice that usually isn't quite as loud as the BINGE!-voice, that was screaming at me to just get up, and go throw it in the garbage. "It's just a cupcake! Those things are pure sugar, nothing else, and you don't need it. You want it, but if you eat it, theres a good chance you'll give up on the rest of today and it will just turn into a big sweets-fest." It was crazy, the war I was waging with myself, and I was actually really suprised by my body's physical reaction to the whole thing, like I was seriously freaking out! My heart must have been racing.

Anyways, I didn't eat it. I came oh-so-close, but I put it back. And then I put on my gym clothes, and headed off to the YMCA to actually do my fat ass some good.

I usually have these mini-wars with myself about food, but I've never experienced one on this scale before. I could have sworn I could actually hear the voices in my head.....! Lol, but I was really proud of myself after, and so I had to share that!

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Okay, so after my super-great day yesterday, I got in a fight with my kinda-boyfriend-kinda-ex Paul last night, so I was all agitated and annoyed with him. I went to Blockbuster, rented Season 3 of The O.C. on DVD, and had a mini-binge. It wasn't terrible, it could have been MUCH WORSE, but it wasn't, so I'm not gonna dwell on it. This was my menu yesterday.

Breakfast

- a cup of Vector cereal w/ 1% milk

Lunch

- toasted turkey breast, tomato, and alfalfa sprouts sandwich on sunflower
flax bread

Dinner

- one green onion cake dipped in sour cream
- baby carrots w/ peppercorn ranch dip
- one slice of lean turkey breast

Evening Binge

- one bar of Purdy's white chocolate
- half a bag of microwave popcorn
- 3 of those damn little cupcakes I had tried so hard to resist this morning
- 3 pieces of salt-water taffy

Seeing it all written out like that is awful. What's even more frustrating about the whole situation is that I was doing so well yesterday! No snacking! Then I go and blow it all. I even went to the gym yesterday and did 45 minutes on the elliptical, burning (supposedly) 450 calories!

To make matters worse, I got my period this morning, so I was completely PMSing last night. That could explain the sugar cravings AND the fight with Paul. I'm not even going to bother weighing myself until after my period's done, because I know I won't get an accurate weight. So, I've got until then to make some progress that I'll see on the scale in four or five days!

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Okay, so this weekend was a diaster. I had three days off in a row, AND I got my period right before the weekend started! I'm terrified to weigh myself, so I'm not going to until Friday or something. My plan was to seriously restrict all week and see where that gets me, but I might just cave and liquid fast or something. I have exactly eight days before I start my new job, and I don't think I'm any skinnier than I was a week ago. Then again, I'm too scared to check.

*sigh* Feeling so horribly fat.

[constance]

I sympathize with you, girl!! I blew the last two days myself....I am back on the wagon too. I did weigh myself this morning, bummer. Gotta get those numbers back to where they belong! We can do it!!!

constance

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Constance! Right now, I think I'm fighting a cold or something and I'm sooooo tired! I'm sitting here at my desk at work wishing I could just curl up and take a nap! For the next couple days, I'm gonna try and napalm this cold with homemade fruit and yogurt smoothies, and we'll see how that goes!

[constance]

Hope you are feeling better today. I have one of my kids home today because he is not feeling well either. The cooties are going around!!

constance

[omnifabulous]

congrats on throwing away the cupcake man thats awesome! And dude I binged three days in a row too!!! Stupid Easter, I hate holidays for that reason, although I rocked at thanks giving. I almost hope that I am getting my period so it is an excuse for the like 5 extra lbs that keep showing up on the scale.... im spaced so if that doesnt make sense im sorry.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

I was just thinking...you know what I really miss? The monthly weight-loss challenges that we used to do around here. Okay, well not HERE, but on the private forum. I miss those! It was so much fun, setting goals with everyone, that I actually looked forward to weigh-ins! I lost an average of five pounds a month whenever we did those things too! That was always nice.

So, maybe I'll do my own April thing. I haven't quite figured out what it might be yet, but I've got some ideas floating around in my head that I'll think about.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Today was my last day at work...I don't think it had hit me when I left this evening, that I wasn't coming back. And still, it was really hard to say good-bye to everyone. So, yeah, I'm kinda feeling down right about now, and panicking at the same time about starting my new job tomorrow!

Breakfast - 298cal

- Homemade fruit & yogurt smoothie
- Honey/Almond Fibre Source granola bar

Lunch - 44cal

- Lipton Beef/Vegetable Cup-A-Soup
- Sugarfree Full Throttle energy drink

Dinner - 251cal

- 3 slices of Tandoori chicken breast
- half a cup of Uncle Ben's Bistro Express rice
- approx. 1 cup of steamed brocoli (forgot to measure..damn)

Total: 593 Calories

APRIL AMBITION GOAL - LOSE TEN POUNDS

[constance]

Hey girl....I want to join your April Ambition!!!!!

I just found out that I earned my trip to New York City!!!!
I go in the beginning of June and would love to be 10 lbs down.

Are you keeping track here in your journal, or somewhere else on the board?
I will keep track of my own on the bottom of my posts. I need a boost....thanks!!!

constance