My private journey.

[itsjustme]

I need to gain back some control. I have been eating like there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow..Thursday...I am going to get back on track. I've been sitting back watching myself gain weight over the past few months and haven't cared to do a thing about it. It's like I was just waiting patiently to get to the point where I'm totally disgusted with myself before I do anything about it. Anyhow else like that? Well, I am way disgusted. I'm 5'8. Last year this time of year I was 150ish and still wasn't pleased. But now...goodness..I wish I was back there. It's absolutely awful now. None of my jeans fit. I feel so uncomfortable. I need a little support from you all. I don't know if I can do it by myself.

[itsjustme]

Well today's the day. I decided to get on the scale this morning, simply because when I got on it yesterday, I knew I was at my fattest, I had just got done eating a crap load of stuff. Anyhow, this morning I weigh 182. I weighed first thing. I haven't eaten anything today. I'm not hungry right now. I'm still trying to figure out what it is exactly that I am going to do. Last year I drank liquids only for about a week and lost a good bit of weight fast. I drank any and everything that I wanted. One of my favorites was putting hot chocolate powder mix into the blender with milk and ice cubes. Made me feel as if I was eating some great chocolately treat. So..I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I guess I'll know when I get hungry. I know a liquid fast will work, but I don't know what I'll do once I'm off of that. I really just want to drop some weight fast because I feel so awfully uncomfortable right now. If I could lose 10 pounds this week, it would be awesome. I know it's possible, but do I have the willpower to do it? I don't know. I need to figure out what exercising I'm going to do today. I don't have my plan together it seems. I do know that I can't eat like a pig today. That's the one thing I'm sure of. I'm gonna go for now. I'll check in later.

[ashling]

Hey hunny,
I defo think taht ya will be able to loose taht weight agin you had amzing willpower before and it didnt just dissapear its stil their you just have to learn how to control it again.. i wish ya lods love and luckk.... and i totaly love the chocolate drink idea i am soo trying that great tip.. tanks..

[itsjustme]

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that. You're right. I was able to do it before, I can do it again. Thanks!

Well, so far today I haven't eaten a thing and it's 2:30pm. I still can't believe I'm at this weight. Of course people tell me I look like I weigh less. They don't actually know what I weigh though. When they guess I just say, nope, higher..and then just tell them "I'm not gonna tell you, but you're way off." I am still so at myself. I hope a bunch of this garbage will just fall off of me this week. I'm gonna go for now. I'll check back later.

[itsjustme]

So it's 5:10pm and I haven't eaten any food. I drank a cup of hot chocolate so far. That was about an hour ago. I'm about to drink something else, not sure what. I gotta leave for a second, I'll figure it out when I get back. I so can't believe I'm in the 80's. Everytime I think about it, it just upsets me. I don't even want to put on real clothes, just want to wear something baggy, made big so that it doesn't look like I"m really that big. Does that make sense? You know those shirts that make you look pregnant even though you aren't. Makes me want to wear one of those or a big tshirt. But it's all in my face too..can see the weight gain in my face. That's how you know it has gotten out of hand. Ok..I'll check back later.

[constance]

You can do it!! Drink lots of water and spread out small food items throughout the day....I did that when I started and it was very successful. Water is the key!!

constance

[itsjustme]

Thanks a lot. I will say that I definitely need to get on track with water. I hate going to the restroom so much...when I first start drinking tons of water. I just had another hot chocolate because I was in a hurry, didn't feel like thinking of what to drink. I think the warmness of the hot chocolate is making me feel full. I know that'll wear off shortly though. I'm about to drink me some water now. It's 6:06pm. I'll check back in a little bit.

[itsjustme]

I drank some v8 juice about an hour ago. I am now officially hungry. I went to the mall for a little bit. I am hungry now, first time today. It always hits me at night. So, now I have to figure out what I want to do. I'm definitely not going to eat. I need to see what delicious..yeah right...beverage I can come up with. The first day is always the toughest..always the hardest. If I can make it past today, I'll be ok. Ok..I'll be back in a little bit.

[itsjustme]

Ok..so I came up with something retarded. I drank some milk with vanilla flavoring and splenda. I drank it too fast though. Couldn't even tell you if it was good or not. I sooo should go to bed, but I'm usually up pretty late. If I go to bed, I'll forget about food. Right now I'm thinking of what I can have to drink next. My mouth feels really dry. I guess I'll have some more water. Having a dry mouth makes me feel like I need to eat. So...I'll just do water. I hope everything goes well for me tonight. Day one..no food..so far. I soo need to get out of the freaking 80's, thats for sure. I can't believe I'm saying that. I haven't been that size in years. Gross! I soo want the 50's back. I feel like I'm too big to even be posting on here, you know. Just feel disgusted. I don't know if I'll weigh tomorrow morning or not. If I weigh..and have lost something, I guess that'll help get me through the next day. I dunno. And if I haven't lost anything...oh boy.

[ThinMint06]

don't worry, love. it'll all come off. it's just the way it works, less cals, less fat. the first few days are hard, and i'm right there with you. just hang in there, the hunger will subside, i promise and your appetite will go WAY down after several days. hang in there!! you CAN do this!!!
-mint

[itsjustme]

Thanks a lot thin! I needed to hear that.

So last night...I ended up just going to bed. I didn't have anything else to drink. No food! This morning I woke up, used the restroom and hopped on the scale without even thinking about it. I had said I might not weigh, but this morning that thought was not in my head at all. The scale said 180.2. I was glad I was down, but pissed at the same time because I was so close to being out of the 80's. It's only been one full day, so I know the numbers will continue to drop. I couldn't resist, so an hour after I weighed, I weighed again. Scale said 179.8. I'm going to go with that #. It makes me feel a little bit better. I won't weigh again today cause it will probably upset me. I try to weigh just in the morning, just once..or should I say multiple times before putting the scale away. No more scale today. No food today. Just liquids. Where I work, my days are flexible, I work when I want to, but of course that then hurts my paycheck. Anyhow, I didn't work yesterday, nor today, so that I can get this under control. I should be able to get through the weekend, and then come Monday I should be able to work like normal and not think about food. I just couldn't deal with the possibility of another let down, screw up because I have to eat at work. I don't have to eat at work but it's awfully hard not to. Everyone will definitely wonder why I'm not eating. I need to figure out what to do with that issue, because it is an issue. I work in the school system and when it's lunch time, it's lunch time. Everyone is eating. What can I do to avoid this. I do have to go to the cafeteria with everyone else. That sucks. I've never had this problem before, having to answer to someone. Guess I'll take some low cal soup in a container you can't see through and barely fill it up. I'm not big on getting food and throwing it away. I can't afford to just waste it. Or maybe just take several small snacks and open them, nibble, and make it look as if I've eaten some,and take it back home. I don't know. Suggestions are welcomed. Anyhow, I haven't had anything today so far. It's just 9am. I'm going to join the gym again soon. I haven't been to the gym in forever. I don't want to go right now though. Everyone will notice that I've gained. I have to drop some weight first.

[itsjustme]

I had some hot chocolate. I keep grabbing hot chocolate I guess because I have so much of it in the cabinet. It's the first thing I see. I've been on here reading other people's posts. It's pretty neat to do when you're bored or thinking about eating. I'm ok right now as far as being hungry. I wish the day would hurry along so that I can get on the scale in the morning. I measured my waist a little bit ago. Made me feel like shit. I'm a fat ass. Still can't believe I'm this big. I suck.

[itsjustme]

So...I guess I should update. Like this hasn't been said before, I stopped with the liquids and decided to try something different. I started over..again on Sun, Feb. 24th. I've been keeping a lil journal. I'm going to just copy and paste it in here so that anyone who wants to read can be up to date. I'm gonna probably just post here from now on. Ok...here goes....

[itsjustme]

Today is Sunday Feb. 24th. So today is the day that I'm going to change something. I woke up today weighing 182.8. I am so disgusted with myself. It's like I purposely gained all this weight so that eventually I'd get to the point where I didn't like myself, and would have to lose the weight. Well, I think I've taken it a little too far this time. Looks like the biggest I've been in a long long time. This time last year I was on cloud nine. I was prob about low 150's. It was pretty tough getting there, but it got easier as the pounds started to shed. It just takes a lot to get started, to get motivated again. There's always a road block. Something that causes you to be distracted. Can't believe I let myself get to this weight. Not good at all. None of my jeans fit. I have about 40 pair and can't fit any. Just the 1 or 2 pair that I keep rotating around. Ha. How funny is that. Anyhow..I have to do something today. I'm going to take my form so I can join the gym today. I need to go for a walk outside if the weather is ok. Might need to do a lil jogging. I know I need to but don't know if my body can handle it right now. Ok..that's enough for right now. I hope I can do this.

[itsjustme]

Feb. 25th: I ended up not even eating anything yesterday. I had too much on my mind. I drank like a thing of hot chocolate and that was it. Too many things due if you know what I mean. Bills out the ass. Rent is due today. OMG I got pictures taken of me last night before I went to bed. OMG..it's horrible. I had no idea I look like that from the back. There were actual rolls on my back. Like 3 of them. It totally freaked me out, disgusted me really bad. I still can't believe those were my pics. I went back and looked at some of the old pics of me that I had taken before I lost weight before. The pics now are worse because I'm a good 10 lbs more than that now. Back in Feb/Mar '07 I was down pretty good, to like 153ish. My last weight was 148.6. I remember that. It was only for one day though. Hard to ever get under 150. I'm hoping to get to 145 this time and stay there no matter how small people claim I look. I know 145 might seem like a lot to some, but the way I'm built I look way small at 145. It's about 11am and I just got done drinking another hot chocolate. It's my 2nd one so far today. I'm at work today. I just got done eating 2 lil packs of Keebler wheat crackers. So a total of 4 crackers. I just ate it because I know that I have to eat to lose weight and keep it off. I'm not sure what I'll have this evening for dinner. I soo need to go for a walk and I also need to do some ab and back exercises. I still can't believe my back. I can't wait until my membership is approved. I want to go so bad, but in a way I don't want to go. I might try this new running plan. I read it on one site. Where you walk 3 min run 1 min the first week for a total of 3 miles. You do this about 3-5 times a week. Then the 2nd week you up it, and the numbers change. There's a chart. I need to write it down somewhere. I said I wouldn't weigh but once every Sunday, but I already broke that this morning. I couldn't help it. I weighed 180.2. I'm gonna probably eat very small meals throughout the day to get my metabolism going good. Anyhow..I guess that's enough for right now. I'm not hungry, just bored. Need to find something else to do right now. I have to use the restroom again..from the hot chocolate. I don't guess I'll have any more of it while here. I don't know. I need to drink that big jug of water that I have at the house when I get back home. I so need to wait and weigh myself Sunday. I hope I can stay away from the scale until then. It's the best thing for me. Cause it usually frustrates me when it's not the way I want based on how my day was. Ok..that's it for right now. So, I'm down a couple pounds. It's a start, but I know it's just cause I didn't eat yesterday. Anyhow..gotta go.

Ok..it's like midnight. I had to get on here and tell you what I ate. I ate a can of tuna with one egg white, a lil bit of onion, a lil bit of lettuce and tomato. It was really small. Still felt a bit hungry afterwards. It took me no time to eat it. I was trying to stretch it out longer but that didn't work. Oh well. I think tomorrow I'm going to take something to nibble on at work. I don't know what. Just a little something to get my metabolism going. I have a yogurt in the fride I might could take. I need to lay off those crackers from today. Maybe I could just take a bowl of lettuce with tomato and onion or something. I don't know. But I sure don't need to be hittin' up the vending machines or the lunch room. I hope I can resist it tomorrow. I sooo don't need to hop on the scale anymore this week because my period starts tomorrow. I know that'll make my weight go up and I'll be so pissed. I need to really hurry up and lose cause in 2 1/2 weeks is a baby shower I gotta host. I just wanna feel a lil more comfortable with myself. Ok..I guess that's it for now. I sooooo need to be approved at the gym soon. I sooo need to be there. Still don't know if I'll go though. Yeah I know, I suck. Just feel so fat right now.