Memory

[Rose]

well done honey! im glad to see that you're back on track!

[I_dont_know]

So... I think that my boyfriend may becoming a little too aware of my eating habits...

He used to be absolutley oblivious and didn't take any notice of when I ate or not. He is pretty lazy when it comes to eating, and sometimes goes all day without eating, but that is due to his lack of being bothered and sleeping all day, not anything else.

But he really did surprise and shock me on Saturday night. We were lying in bed and somehow (I don't believe I can't remember) we got onto the topic of food and he asked, "You do eat right don't you?" and I said, "Of course I do ( ). Why would you ask that?" and he said, "It's just that I don't remember the last time I saw you eat something..."

I was shocked!

He then said something about knowing a girl who was anorexic and she started by going to the gym all the time and people never saw her eat.

So now I am VERY aware of myself around him because now he is going to be aware of when I eat and those excuses that I have used to death...

sigh

[Rose]

Honey, how do you think he’d react if he found out the truth? My boyfriend knows about my “problem” and telling him was probably the best thing that I ever did. He wasn’t even shocked when he found out. Its just really nice to have some one there who you can talk to, who understands and listens, is possibly a little concerned but knows the repercussions of making you eat and its even nice that some one makes you eat on the week were you have been very stupid and feel faint.

It’s just a thought.

Rose

[I_dont_know]

Rose thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate hearing what you say. I think that if I told him he would react in the way I could predict, which would be really worried about me and possibly scared for me. I think that if he keeps dropping comments about my eating habits I will think about telling him that I have a problem, but I just don't think I could tell him about all of my secrets... I am such a private person I would feel so exposed... He knows about other things I'm not proud of about my past, but I don't know. I guess I will see how things go and decide as time goes on. Since that night which was almost 2 weeks ago, he hasn't mentioned anything. I will keep you updated

As for weight loss, I'm feeling really strong and June Jubilation is proving to be a really strong motivator! (not sure how to spell that... ) In the five days that June has given us this year I have lost 2 kilos which is just over 4 lbs I think that in another 5 days I could reach my first goal!

I have been sticking to 200 cals each day which has been made up with fruit (mostly apples) and last night I grilled a tiny bit of chicken breast, put pepper and chilli flakes on it and ate it with about half a cucumber. It was nice. Not too much and I still went to bed feeling hungry. I like going to bed feeling hungry because I don't like feeling full. I even wait 2 hours after eating before going to sleep.

This Friday night I'm going to a party and I'll be having a few alcoholic drinks with friends so I think I'm going to have something to eat around 6pm so I have something in my tummy before I consume any alcohol. I'm going out early the next day and I don't wanna get sick!!

My plan for the rest of the week is to not eat anything more for the rest of day today and go to the gym for an hour tonight...

Wednesday: Fast during day, working till 630pm and then go to the gym in the night for an hour

Thursday: Working during the day and will fast during the day too, get out of dinner somehow and then go to the gym for an hour

Friday: Fasting during the day, going to the gym around lunch time for an hour, have something to eat before going out to the party in the evening

Saturday: Going to a concert! Yay will probably have something for lunch

Sunday: Will fast

And I don't know about next week! I think my plans for this week are enough for the moment. I sometimes think I plan too much... lol

[I_dont_know]

Had a 0 calorie day yesterday and I drank about 1.5 litres of water and a small diet coke from McDonald's. I still count it as a 0 calorie day because the small diet coke really doesn't have calories... 2 calories is nothing in my eyes.

Today I ate a few small slices of cold roast beef (approx 150 cals) from my family's dinner last night and a mandarin (35 cal) at 1030am and then at 4pm this afternoon I had a small carrot (40 cal). Total so far today is 225 cal.

I will be having dinner tonight but it will be ok because I will be cooking and can monitor what goes into whatever I end up cooking. Then I'm going to the gym for an hour and a half at least. So I am feeling pretty good.

Tomorrow will be another 0 calorie day and the same for Thursday hopefully. But on Friday I will be going to a funeral and although I won't stuff my face, I will eat something to be polite. It is the first funeral I have ever been to and I am a little nervous...

[Rose]

well done 0 cal is amazing, after that the dinner won't matter at all.

You are doing great!

Rose

[I_dont_know]

I have lost 3 kilos for June so far and am going so strong! I am feeling so good about myself that I am almost certain that when I step onto the scale tomorrow I will be lower than 62kilos... Oh I can't even imagine being that small and light! Every kilo, every gram that comes off me from now on will be the lowest weight I have EVER weighed! I can't wait to be under 60kilos. I think that when I reach the 60 kilo mark I will post a picture and ask for some advice on wether I should lose more or not? I'm getting this thing where I set goals and think I'll be happy when I'm there, but when I reach the goal I still feel like I need to lose more. I feel fat. It's crazy, because at 68kilos if I suddenly woke up at 62kilos I would cry from being so happy. When I am currently at 62kilos, I just want to be 59kilos! How our crazy minds work.

So after my MEGA MEGA MEGA MEGA binge on Tuesday (3 apples, cereal, 6 peices of bread made into vegemite/jam sandwhiches, chocolate, bisquits, ice-cream, dinner (crumbed chicken, brocoli and carrots) plus a few mouth-fulls of chicken and probably 2 tablespoons of nutella... By the way, this wasn't in one go (geez!) but over the course of the whole day) I am now feeling back to normal again and actually feeling like I can make my June Jubilation goal of 60kilos and a loss of 5kilos.

Wednesday: Fruit salad (At least 250 calories)
Just under 4 litres of water
Gym for 40 minutes (approx 400 calories)

Thursday: 2 small apples (120 cal) , 4 clinkers (?? No more than 100 cal)
2 Vodka (110 cal) and Pepsi Max (0 cal) drinks with a friend
About 2.5 litres of water
Gym for 40 minutes (approx 500 calories)

Friday: 1 small apple (55 cal), 250 grams of steamed brocoli
and carrot in broth (No more than 250 cals... but so much
sodium in the broth... )
500 ml water (Terrible, I know!)
Gym for 50 minutes (approx 600 calories)

Tomorrow I might have to eat lunch (I hope NOT) and can get out of dinner because I am going to a party where I can quite easily use the excuse "I've already eaten" and on Sunday I am working from lunch time till 6pm so can get out of breakfast (sleep in), lunch (I'll be at work) and dinner (I'll be going out with friends to see a movie!).

I'm feeling so great.

And my boyfriend has finally gotten off my back about my eating habits because he came over last week and saw me eating and I was eating fruit salad with him on Wednesday this week. I know that it is so deceptive and really terrible lying to him, but I just can't face him knowing that I have an ED. In a way I am kind of in denial. I mean, I KNOW I have a problem, but I have got it in my head that its not a 'serious' problem. It's just the way I deal with food.

I guess I will never fully grasp the extent of my relationship with ana until I say it out loud and tell someone... But I just don't think I ever will! I'm too secretive and if someone ever found out I would just feel... violated and like they are taking away my privacy.

Ana is sooo private to me.

[*No more footprints*]

Congrats on your weight loss so far hun...And I would LOVE to know what exercise you do at the gym to burn 600 cals in 50 minutes! I'm about to join my local gym, and the idea of burning that much in that little time is very appealing

*NMF*

[I_dont_know]

[I_dont_know]

WELL -- Here I am back again.

8 months later.

Kilos heavier.

I feel like shit.

But as I said in the post earlier tonight, I am ready and ever so motivated to get back on track. Here I am sitting on my bed at 9.30pm and I am as motivated as I have been in quite some time. I know the reason for falling off the ana horse for such a long time. I was fine until December 2007 when I went on holidays. I gained a few kilos and then of course Christmas came around. With all of this as well as being on uni holidays the lazy side of me was just way to easy to let myself go. I figured, meh. I've got plenty of time to fix myself up. But it just kept on going. Day after day I would tell myself, not today. I'm terrible.

But today is when it stops. And I KNOW that I will be able to make this work because I go back to uni next week (thank god! I am going insane with boredom!!) and once uni starts I will ALWAYS be busy, what with work and everything as well as my assessments and classes I won't have time to binge! Hell yeah!

Now the organiser inside of me is going to plan my next two weeks because if I make a plan I can stick to it. So here it is: (After all, I am writing this for me. I don't really intend for everyone to read this each time I post. I do love it when I get some replys, but just being able to post my progress and know that if I stuff up I have to write it down here - the knowledge that someone COULD read my failure makes me rethink and totally dodge the temptation of a binge!) But moving on...

Tomorrow WEDNESDAY 20th Feb

Fast during the day, hang out with boyfriend in the afternoon
Working in the evening - easily get out of eating dinner

THURSDAY 21st Feb

Going to uni. I will TRY to get out of eating AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, but if I cant I will just get a fruit salad.
Going out with boyfriend in the evening, will get out of dinner.

FRIDAY 22nd Feb

Fast during the day. Perhaps go to the gym to avoid lunch.
Working in the night so will avoid dinner. If I can get out of eating lunch, then this will be an easy fast day.

SATURDAY 23rd Feb

I've just got to keep off eating over lunch and today will be an EASY fast day. I'm working all night, so if I can pull off not eating lunch I've got it in the bag. I can hang out with my boyfriend, that will make it easy.

SUNDAY 24th Feb

EASY DAY! I will sleep in after working late. Then go out in the evening and skip dinner.

MONDAY 25th Feb

Uni starts. I'll go to uni during the day, spend the afternoon with my boyfriend to avoid dinner with family then go to the gym in the evening. (being back at uni will be GREAT because I will be back into my routine of going to the gym 3-4 times a week!)

TUESDAY 26th Feb

Uni, hang out in afternoon with boyfriend to avoid dinner with family, then gym.

WEDNESDAY 27th Feb

Uni in the day, working in the afternoon and over dinner time. Easily skip dinner then go to the gym.

THURSDAY 28th Feb

Uni in the morning. Rest of the day off. How will I do this?? Today could EASILY turn into a binge day. All i've gotta do is KEEP MYSELF OCCUPIED! Go to the gym, hang out with boyfriend, go for a walk. SKIP and RESTRICT and FAST.

FRIDAY 29th Feb

Uni in the morning, working in the evening. EASY fast day

SATURDAY 1st March (start this month FRESH)

Hang out with boyfriend during day, work in the night. Fast day.

SUNDAY 2nd March

Sleep in, take it easy. Hang out with boyfriend/do uni work. Go out with friends in the evening. Might indulge in a salad for dinner.

Then with uni back, I'll be able to juggle uni, work, gym and fasting/restricting VERY easily.

I can't wait until tomorrow is over. The first fast day is always hard. Especially after a binging streak or when you're not feeling motivated. I find that when you're feeling un-motivated you should have a shower because after you feel refreshed and clean. Less likely to stuff up your hard work. I just need to get through tomorrow (I can do this) and after day one is done I just need to get through Thursday (TRY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE TO SKIP LUNCH) If I can do that I'll wake up on Friday on a day 3 and that is where I am at my strongest. DAY 3 is the day that I am at my strongest because I know I am totally empty and I am focused. I have NO threat of a binge and I know that I can keep going with ease.

I am EXCITED!!