Freja's Journal

[Freja]

Ha ha! Yea, well, he's in his thirties now and while he's been really skinny all his life the beers and pizzas are starting to show. He actually told me this morning that he wants to lose his beer-belly and I know it's been bothering him for a while. So maybe I should cut him some slack, it's probably making him feel crap that he's been putting on weight at about the same rate that I've been losing. Personally I couldn't care less what size he is, but I do want him to be happy with himself.

He took me out for dinner last nite, and was really sweet and affectionate. We both avoided all the big issues though. I just couldn't be bothered having another fight, and I wanted to enjoy being out for a meal since that really doesn't happen very often. We went to a bistro where I used to work, which is great because they will serve me reduced portions without kicking up a fuss. Ate about 1/3 of a grilled chicken breast with napoli sauce and some mixed salad without dressing and about 1/4 of a small bread roll. Just drank mineral water. Shouldn't have had the bread, but still not too bad. 50.4 kilos this morning, not really a loss, but hopefully in a day or two I'll see a real change.

[Jennifer]

Well done for not binging when you were out Go you.

Men are a pain in the arse, they give you just enough to keep you going, but never enough to make you happy. *sigh*

Have a great day
Jen x x x

[Freja]

Thanks Jen . I do feel ok about what I ate, because the food there is divine, it's very tempting to overeat, and I so badly wanted my favourite, the seafood risotto, but I didn't .

Men - yea, can't live with them, but apparently we can't live without them either, lol... We had a good talk at home last nite and will try to make things work. Thing is I don't know what I want anymore. But I'm willing to give it some time.

Rode my bike to the city and back today, its about 30-40 mins each way at a fast pace. My legs are probably going to hurt tomorrow but hopefully I'll finally see a decent loss!

[Hopelessly]

Ha ha told you he was jealous

Good luck with sirting things out with him though, just take your time and see how you feel.

Good luck with the scales, hope being good in the restaurant and all the cycling pays off!

[Chani]

hey sweety,
i just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking about you, and that i feel very bad for you that things aren't really working out sometimes.
about the pills your doctor prescribed: have you taken them?
i'm against prescribing psychofarmaca without consulting a psychologist or psychiatrist. but a lot of physicians do it unfortunately.
and have you tried CBT again? with the right therapist it can be very helpfull and is in fact to best treatment for anxiety disorders, better than meds.

[Freja]

Chani - thanks for your concern . And I completely agree. Which is why I didn't even go to the chemist to collect the pills. I have been evaluated by a mental health professional as well, but it was over a year ago, and this particular doctor hadn't spoken to her. I think it was wrong of him to be so quick in prescribing the meds even though I know that, like you said, it happens all the time. A few year ago my sister went to the youth clinic and asked to be referred to a psychologist for depressive tendencies, but the waiting list was so long they just gave her antidepressants instead... Haven't started CBT again but I will go back if things don't improve. It was helpful, it's just that I hate therapy, any kind of therapy. But I do want to get better so have to stop being such a coward...

On a different note - 49.4 kilos today! It's such an amazing feeling seeing those numbers, I can hardly remember last time I was below the 50 kilo mark! And it feels good to know that the hard work this week paid off. Just have to stay motivated now and not start getting slack.

[Freja]

Just had something of a health scare. Won't go into details as I don't know very much yet, but it has given me the incentive I needed to quit smoking. I'm only a few hours in and climbing the walls already, but at the same time I don't actually want to smoke because I don't want to do my body any more harm. I've been smoking since I was thirteen, and I'm turning thirty this year. So I know this will be difficult and I know that the biggest challenge will be not to replace cigarettes with sugar (i.e. chocolate and other junk). So I have decided to completely eliminate all refined sugar from my diet, which means giving up a fair few 'diet' products that have saved me from many binges when sugar cravings set in. But I need to get rid of it completely so I don't get those cravings. I also have to stop drinking coffee, as I directly associate it with smoking, but I'm almost there already as I have been cutting down successively for about a week (actually had decaf this morning - I just love the taste of coffee). SO - quit smoking AND losing weight - can it be achieved? I don't know but I will certainly give it a go. Wish me luck. I'm a little scared.

[Freja]

Have not done brilliantly on the sugar front... But at least there is now no more ice cream or chocolate in the house . Will try not to weigh myself for a few days and just focus on getting healthy - eating the right food and upping my exercise a bit more. May even have to increase my calorie allowance a little, not just to keep the cravings at bay but I want to be strong enough, physically, to handle whatever lies ahead. This is quite a new feeling. Deep down I'm still so scared of gaining weight, but the sensible vioce in my head, which is always there lurking in the shadows, has actually taken over and is doing a pretty good job of trying to convince me that my health is more important than a kilo or two. And I know that it is definitely more important to the people around me, so I really need to stop being a selfish bitch and focus on what truly matters. I have kind of resigned myself to not losing any more weight for a while, at least until I know exactly what's going on. But I will do my best not to gain.

On the upside I still haven't smoked and even though I feel like I will go completely nuts I know I will do this. The worst part is that I can't sit still for more than 10-15 mins, I just can't concentrate, and I have a presentation for a large gruop of incoming students at my uni on Friday. Have to get my shit together. I still haven't written a word. But I've got one more day, and I know that tomorrow the pressure will be enough to make me do it no matter how scattered my brain is...

[constance]

I just wanted to encourage you, Freja...giving up cigarettes, coffee and sugar...serious business! I am so glad you are trying to take care of your health though. Hang in there!

constance

[max]

yeah seriously hang in there... it really tough to quit all those. Im kinda in the same boat as you- ive been smoking since 17 and im 28 this month and ive been desperately tryin to quit as well. Ive cut down on coffee- altho thats harder for me. sugar.... well.... i try...

sorry bout your scare... i hope it isnt breathing related. I sometimes get short of breath when walking home in the really cold weather and i think its a combo of the cold and my poor lungs from smoking. I dunno.... it scares me too.. I have to stop walking and sit where ever i am, or i tend to panic .

keep ur head up

[Freja]

Constance - thank you! Yes, it's serious business indeed but I will take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time if I have to. Discovered a brilliant substitute for both smoking and sweets - frozen grapes. They take much longer to eat than fresh ones. And carrot sticks are a great saviour too.

Max - hope you manage to quit as well. It's hard when you've been smoking since your teens, I guess I didn't quite realise what a massive part of my life it is. About the health scare - not breathing related as such, it was something that turned up during a routine medical last week (though they only called me about it a couple of days ago). So I need more tests before I know anything. Hopefully it's a false alarm...

Anyway, thanks both of you for your support . I may have decided to bite off a bit more than I can chew in giving up coffee, sugar and ciggies all at once, but I am an 'all or nothing' person after all (as are a lot of us here I think...). I have to say though, only two days after quitting I already have more energy, so that's a further incentive to keep going .

[Freja]

Well, when it rains it pours... It's turning out to be a pretty big week. My boyfriend and I broke up last nite (it's Friday morning here), after over five years together. I'm pretty tempted to smoke I must say, but I'm trying to be strong. Things haven't been great between us, as I've mentioned in previous posts, but I was starting to think he'd never admit it, so it still came as a bit of a shock. We didn't fight or anything though, it was quite amicable. But it hurts. I mean, I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore, but I definitely love him and I will miss him very, very much. Still haven't worked out the practical side of it, like who's going to move out etc.

Anyway, have a presentation today so I really need to get a grip.

[Freja]

It's amazing how much your life can change almost in an instant. I can't figure out how I feel about anything right now. I am heartbroken over the the fact that my bf and I have decided to give up, but at the same time it's such a relief. I still love him so much and there are so many things I'm going to miss, but at the same time I am relishing the thought of living on my own and being able to be myself, completely. It's so strange, I feel close to tears all the time, but if he told me he wanted to try one more time I would say no.

I have now officially been a non-smoker for a week. It may not seem like such a big deal to some people, leaving the cigarettes behind, but they've been a part of all my teenage and adult life and it just feels very surreal not to smoke all of a sudden. It's getting a little easier, but I've put on two kilos and as pathetic as it may sound this is currently upsetting me more than anything. So as of tomorrow I will start some serious restricting again. I know I have the willpower to do it if I give it all my energy and focus.

Have another medical on Friday, to get some x-rays. I'm trying not to worry too much. Hoping for the best, but I need to be prepared for the worst as well. I just want it over with, I hate not knowing.

So confused about everything at the moment. I miss my friends and my family. My bf was my best friend here, and my only close friend here in Australia. So it is a bit strange. Well, such is life, I guess. Perhaps I'll feel better tomorrow.

I went swimming today, just to mix up my exercise routine a bit, and I think I used muscles I'd forgotten I had. I used to go 4-5 days a week, but I haven't been for about two years. My shoulders will be killing me tomorrow, but muscle ache is a good kind of pain...

[Freja]

Have been back on track with restriction and exercise for a few days now and I've been doing a lot more toning than normal as well. I have so much more energy since I quit smoking. My muscles are really sore today but it's a great feeling. Last nite I was so physically exhausted I fell asleep around 9pm. I was really hungry too, and normally I sleep very badly on an empty stomach but I basically just collapsed. It probably wasn't just the exercise though, I had another medical yesterday and got an injection which I think might have had something to do with feeling so tired. They still don't know what's wrong with me, and it feels really weird to imagine that it could be something serious since I feel healthier than I have in years since I quit smoking and drinking coffee. I've basically stuck to raw veggies and fruit for the last few days plus some unsalted nuts and natural fat free yoghurt. Anyway, I'll get some test results on Monday but if they're inconclusive I might have to wait a few months before there's any point in going back. Not going to allow myself to worry about it though, there's too much going on in my life at the moment and I need to stay positive and motivated. The bottom line is that I feel fine, well, great actually.

Bf (well - ex) and I are still living together. Starting a new degree in the UK in October, but my semester here ends at the end of May so I'll just leave straight after that. I've moved into the spare room, it's where the computer and all my books are so I spend most of my time there anyway. I've made it really cosy and it is lovely to have my own room. So basically we're going to try living together until I leave in a few months since we both like the flat so much and it makes more sense financially. We'll see how it goes...

[constance]

Congratulations on the good eating, no smoking, no coffee and lots of exercise!!! That is wonderful. Sounds very healthy indeed.

constance