my journal

[Hollister76]

[Hollister76]

[Hollister76]

I went prom dress scouting this afternoon (after church, my mom/aunt/daniel/ and I left the other 8 at home with the dads "babysitting", lol). There were some really cute ones, but none that fit. They all hung off, which isn't a bad thing, but I looked like a little girl playing dress up in too big clothes. I think the next place on the list is David's Bridal (of course I'd go to the teen Prom line, since I'm not getting married). They should have smaller dresses that aren't outrageously expensive.

I'm not even sure on the color...blue would look really cool w/my eyes, the shade that they are, but the black ones I saw were really classy and pretty. I don't want to choose something I'll look back on and wonder what I was smokin' when I bought it, I want it classic.
Hmm.
Who knows?
Tuesday I'm meeting up with Robert to get his tux and all that jazz. He's been to a few, so I hope he knows what he's doing, because I don't. I'm not a guy, I know nothing about tuxes!

Anyway, the Super Bowl's on. Not that I have even watched any of it, but I'm down herew/the TV to say that I did.
I didn't even know what teams were playing until today...my family's over and I guess I'll find out the details from them. Lol, I'm an awful American, not to even watch the Super Bowl.


I'll post soon!~
<3

[constance]

Deborah,

I am so glad to hear that the doctors caught it in the early stages! That is certainly encouraging, but it is still a heavy burden to bear. I will keep this before the Throne of Grace.

Prom dress shopping....oh my, I remember those days!! My mother recently brought me a couple of my old prom dresses that she still had in her closet. I gotta tell you....I wouldn't be seen in those dresses again if you paid me! Funny how our taste and the styles change. I agree that *classic* is the way to go.

constance

[Hollister76]

I have the dress
It's georgous, I'll definitely post pics when I get some with the dress on and with Robert.

[Hollister76]

The ex is officially a JERK.

Yeah, a jerk. Not only was Michael a jerk, he still is. He's been texting me, giving me absolute trash about Robert. He's cursed at me, and treats me like I'm an idiot.
I'm not stupid, and I just hope that he won't wear me down enough so I believe that.
I wouldn't even mind his other awful stuff he says to me, if he didn't say it in such a frickin condenscending way. Like I'm a little kids or braindead. Like I'm an idiot.
That's what really pisses me off.

I've gotten about 100 texts from him since Tuesday. All of them absolutely awful.

I was on IM (instant messaging) this afternoon, and he IMs me. This is not unusual, he has been the entire week, all of which ending with an argument. Well, today he decides that he'll be cool and brags for about 30 frickin minutes about this "really hot" chick, a friend of his cousin, that he's hooking up with today.
#1) I don't care. We're not together anymore, and I have a very attractive boyfriend of my own. But it's pretty tacky to brag about it. He went on and on about how good looking she is. "hot" "sexy" "damn fine", all of that.
#2) I have NEVER done that to him or any ex about another guy. I don't even talk about it, because it hurts when you have to hear it, even when you've broken up.
#3) It was very obvious he was trying to make me jealous. He kept prompting me to say something, but I did NOT let on any emotion. That would satisfy him and I will NOT do that.

I just hate how he degrades me.

Augh.

More posts to come in a sec

[Hollister76]

Okay...now that I've vented, here's some good news about Robert. I'm glad that I can put it on here, so that the ex won't even see it.

He came over to our church this past Sunday, which was great. I was a little apprehensive about church, but it turned out that he really enjoyed it. After the Sunday morning service, he and my whole family (all 6 of us) went to a Mexican restaurant. I had stressed and stressed about the food part, but it turned out okay. We had a wonderful time
After that, we came back to the house for a while, then he and I went to the movies to see "The Eye", a new Jessica Alba movie.
Then, back to church.
My parents approve, and verbally expressed that.

I felt so free when I was with him. He has an aura around him, I can't place it. But I like it

[Hollister76]

When I was with him on Sunday, there was a moment that was amazing.

We were driving to my house and were waiting at a light, about to get on the Interstate. We had to wait a little while, and we were just talking about random stuff; then he noticed that I had gotten really cold. He adjusted the heat and asked if that happened a lot. I said yes.
He looked at me with his big brown eyes and said in a serious tone, "It's because you're so skinny." (emphasis on that) I looked down and saw that he had put his hand all the way around my arm. Not the part by your hand, but the bigger part of your arm. He said it slowly and seriously. It was for that split second that my Ana voice in my head stopped and I believed him. In that one minute reality and my dillusional Ana thoughts merged.

We've talked about my "issues" before, and he's noticed that my picture of myself is majorly askew. He's really good about it, protective and all. And the best part is- he doesn't tell people what they want to hear. With my ex (the last one, michael) he played mental leep frog, trying to anticipate how to manipulate. But with Robert, if I were being a biotch, he'd tell me. And he doesn't tell people they're skinny if they're not. He told me that before...he's honest, and blunt.
He's a great guy.

I keep replaying that moment in my head...yeah, he's a keeper.

I feel very fat again, but for that one moment I experienced reality. It was weird, but refreshing.

<3

[Hollister76]

I'm feeling on top of the WORLD.

First items first- Robert may be coming to a Vday dinner thing at church tomorrow night! He'll call if he can, so that will be fun. Not the food, I'm *so* anxious about that, but seeing him.

Also, I went shopping after work bought The Jeans that I've looked at for a long time, but not been able to afford. They're from Hollister, and a size 0. I haven't bought a pair of jeans in about a year, and I paid one third of the origional price!! At minumum wage, I cannot afford origional price Hollister jeans as much as I do love them!!
But they're georgeous jeans. I just like looking at them.
I bought a shirt too, it's green and very pretty I'm going to wear it tomorrow.
It's my money, but well worth it

I accidentally took my brother's high dose meds rather than mine (also high dosage) which gives my body the reverse effect, so I'm extremely manic. I'm flying high, I tell you. Colors are brighter, ideas are vivid, and I love everyone. I got SO much done at work (Chickfila) today, the manager commented heavily on it. I have all this energy that I can't burn.
I'll be up until about 5 am, that's my manic pattern.
It'll be a long night/morning.

<3

[Hollister76]

I had a Constance moment today!
I was taking my shirt off last night in front of the mirror, and I always close my eyes so I don't have to see my stomach. Well, I decided to keep them open and I saw with stark clarity how much my hipbones were sticking out. My stomach was sunken in.
Weird.
That's definitely not my body. If I didn't know better, I'd think that someone had replaced our mirror with a carnival ones, one of those warped ones! Lol.
Constance- you know you're good when you have an adjective named after you


I didn't mention this before, but I'm in MAJOR trouble with my mom.
I went shopping last Friday at the mall by myself and bought these diet pills. The lady that checked me out was very rude and gave me this ugly appraising look and pretty much vented at me, how I shouldn't be buying them, etc. But I did indeed purchase them, and I took 4 a day, the maximum amount allowed. They were working really well, quite effective. Well, Thursday mom was putting a Valentine in my purse and found the bottle at the bottom! My mom (without a reason like that) would never go through my stuff, so I didn't hide it. She confronted me about it on Friday, and I am only allowed to go out on wkends for short incriments of time, expanding each week. I'm okay with that, but I am dissapointed that I don't have the pills. That's all I'm upset about. Oh well.

As a warning for anyone who may want to try weight loss pills- they have strange side effects. Ten minutes after I took my first 4 I had a rash break out on my thigh and it burned. See, I knew the risks because I'm on heavy dosage meds anyway, and with my knowledge of chemistry I understand the risks of mixing them. Also, I had massive headaches, my ears rang so badly I cried, and I thought my stomach would burst from the acid.
But, I did lose some inches.

Love you guys! Have a very good Sunday

[constance]

[Hollister76]

Thank you constance I had an awesome time tonight at the banquet.
It was very, very enjoyable!

I'm definitely going to be selective with any diet pills I choose (if I do) in the future- checking out the label closely and reading up on any possible side effects--just in case.

Anyway, I'll prob be back. I'm surfing Myspace.com and enjoying the four day holiday weekend!

Skinny love and sweet dreams to you all~

[constance]

What is the holiday there? School was cancelled again today...extreme rainfall warning....weird, it is usually snow but things are nuts these days. Rain in February is just plain freakish for my area. They are expecting flooding because of the huge amount of snow we got last week is melting plus the rain....

constance

[Hollister76]

Flooding? Oh my gosh, I hope you guys don't get hit


I went to the mall today (we got off for President's Day) and got a really cute shirt for Easter from Hollister (on sale for $12.50 down from almost $40!). While I was in there, I got brave and pulled a pair of jeans from the shelf. They were a zero/one, but I'm always scared that my size won't fit. I held my breath while I pulled them on and buttoned them and... they fit! I was so excited. I did a little dance around the dressing room
They were expensive so I did not buy them, but I will when they go on sale! They're light wash color, with a few tiny holes (the popular "destroyed look" that's in right now for teens (where we live, anyway).

I have drunk a lot of Diet Dr. Pepper today and I feel like my stomach is going to burst from all that liquid. I went by Chickfila when I was at the mall, it was fun to go by when I wasn't on the other side of the counter working! I got a large drink and went back for...quite a few refills.
I think I'm going to explode from all of that liquid!

I haven't eaten anything today except 2 little "pigs in a blanket" (those tiny little hot dogs in little pieces of bread. They're very small). Mom made me eat them before I left. But I haven't eaten since..I do feel rather dizzy, but I count it success for Ana.

I got an awesome book today too, and I've worked on my paper on abortion for sociology class. Today has been, and will be, a good day.

<3

[Hollister76]

Oh yeah, I had a funny moment today.

I was walking into Abercrombie Kids today while I was at the mall and I saw this very life-like manequin. I was inwardly drooling at the scultped features, nice body, and over all hotness. Then he started talking to me! He had been standing so still that I honestly thought he was one of the manequins (they have ones that look so real all over the store) and I nearly jumped out of my skin!

I'm not even blonde, nor an airhead. It was pretty funny, though Poor guy probably wondered why I looked so scared.