Hell Bent on being thin and perfect!!

[MamaOf3]

Its been almost a year since I began my weight loss. I have lost 75.5lbs....that is a whole person (a kid), but I don't feel good. I keep setting goals for lower and say, "when I get here, I will be happy and I will maintain that weight". When I get there, I still see fat and its not good enough. The cycle just keeps going. I have 3kids and they notice when I don't eat. My son said to me, "mommy, why don't you eat? I just see you drinking water." I am not sure what to think of that. I make my children eat and I tell them how important it is. I am hypocritical and as my children get older....it is going to be even more difficult. I don't want to recover though. I am ok with constantly restricting and losing weight. I like the outcome and such...but at the same time....I want to be mentally stable to take care of my children and show them the right path.
For the past month I have been on a binge...I couldn't stop eating. I thought it was ok because I didn't gain a thing. I was happy with that, but now I gained. Ugh. Made me freak out and get back on track. That is good...but pisses me off because I got there. I was doing so good. I can see the difference. I can see the fat. My stomach, thighs and boobs all got bigger. My bones aren't sticking out as much. I am so ashamed! My clothes are still all too big, but I don't want to go shopping for more because I am bloated and know I will look like a fat cow in everything. To get to the low weight, I had to stop exercising and everything. So I have a lot of extra skin that is nasty too. So I am going to start exercising but not too much so I don't get big. I just want to tone. Also to stop this crazy hunger and bingeing, I have bought some green tea. Alright, so this is my plan, starting today. Wish me luck.

[MamaOf3]

Monday morning and I am back to what I was before. 82lbs....feels great. Now I gotta keep going and doing wel. My goals has been to get to 80lbs because that would put my bmi at 17.5 which is what my hero is. Alyssa Milano and I are similar in quite a few ways, so she has been my inspiration. I am almost there and I am not even close to being happy. Now I really really want plastic surgery. In Oct I set up for a breast reduction. Since I was around 12yrs old I have been a D cup, sometimes even close to a DD. Now since I have lost so much weight, I am a 32C and I am extremely happy. Although, I am not happy with the excess skin. As my husband said, I look like a deflated balloon. I have to start exercising hardcore to tone up that skin, but I also want plastic surgery. I can't get it through my insurance. They only do plastic surgery if you can prove that it is medically necessary. My boob job was because of many complications. And now....if they call me and say, "its time for the surgery", I can't do it. I am not sure if anyone knew but if the insurance company pays for your surgery, they have certain rules and standards. Mine says that they have to take atleast 1c off each side. Basically, you go down 2c sizes! So now, I can't do it. Not unless I want to look like my 8yr old son. LOL. Ugh....I gotta go. I am not done ranting.

[MamaOf3]

Alright, I have a bit more time to blog a bit. My major concern lately is that I haven't been sleeping for about a mo and half or so. I go to bed and I wake up about an hour later and then i am up for hours. I lay down, try to sleep and this continues for a long time. Ugh!! I have been avoiding going to my Dr because I don't want him to freak out because of the weight loss. Not sure what else I can do now. I am just so tired and it doesn't help restricting and not having any sleep. Bleh! I'm gonna go to my Dr and get a prescription for ambien. I have had it before and love it....just hope that the Dr doesn't trip on me.

[MamaOf3]

Ugh, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Oh joy My husband and I NEVER do anything on Valentine's. Some years he might come home with some flowers and a gift, but we are still stuck at home with the 3 kids. That kinda puts a damper on romance. I normally make a nice romantic dinner, I try to feed the kids dinner before he comes home from work. I make the house lit by candles and all that jazz. It just.....it doesn't seem worth it. I want to do what I do for New Year's, sleep through it all. The good thing is that I don't have to worry about losing weight to look extra good. I can just wear my big ole sweatpants like I normally do. meh
On Friday my husband and sons are going to the colliseum to see monster truck show. Once again, my daughter and I have to miss out. (because of her) She is extremely afraid of loud noises. She is almost 2yr and should be ok....but my daughter only does things on HER schedule, which she makes up as she goes. LOL No matter if she has ear plugs and earmuffs, she still goes crazy and cries. So, it looks like she and I will be home.....bored. This is the life of a mommy.
And now, my husband is telling me like I look death walking. I wonder if he thinks that him saying those things will stop me? He should know that they won't. Makes me want to work harder to make it true. I know he cares and worries, but I can't stop. I'm addicted. Atleast I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I am just addicted to looking perfect and being thin. We went clothes shopping for me last Friday. That was fun even though I was bloated and fat. (no really, I gained that weight) Anyway. At home I have over 40 pair of pants that don't fit. That is so maddening...to have all these clothes that just sit there. They don't fit because they are too big. Well, we bought me some new clothes, they don't fit perfectly either, they are a tiny bit too big. The only way for me to find clothes to fit, is to stop in the LITTLE GIRLS section. I refuse to do that because I am a grown woman. I am not going to wear the same clothes and my step daughter does. I loaned some of my old clothes to a friend...she said that she will give them back when they are too big for her.

I REALLY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM GOING TO DO ABOUT MY WEIGHT!! I NEED HELP AND ANSWERS. I JUST WANT TO CRY. I NEED TO ACHIEVE PERFECTION SO I CAN BE HAPPY!

[MamaOf3]

Wow, today is Valentine's Day. Its 845am and I hate it already. My boys start school at 830am. I send them to have breakfast at school. They leave at 745. I sent them off as normal today and around 8am they come marching in telling me that school is delayed until 10am. It snowed lastnight. There was nothing though...it didn't even cover the whole ground. There were just patches. I swear I hate stupid Virginians. I have no clue what caused them to delay the whole area 2HRS. OMG. Jackasses. I think that is a clue as to how horrible my day will be. NIIICE

[constance]

Hey mamaof3! I am home with my 3 kids today because of weather too. Two snow days in a row...but I am in Canada and we have had some serious snow & nasty weather lately.

I just wanted to encourage you. I know it can be tough as a mom when you are dealing with everything in your life...hubby, kids, chores and all of our own personal issues scrambled around in our heads. Sometimes things seem like they are piled so high that it will take only one more issue before it all comes crumbling down. Hang in there for you and the kids!!

constance

[MamaOf3]

I am having one of those days. Can't I just curl up into a ball and disappear into oblivion? I just feel like a fat cow. A failure, I might not have eaten today, but I did eat in my life time and that is why I am such a failure. I look into the mirror and I just want to scream. I focus on the one thing that stands out. I obsess until I think its decent to be seen. I look into the mirror and damn if I don't see another flaw. Will I ever be perfect? Will I be able to look into that blessed mirror and see no flaws?

What do you say to those with blinders on? They say,"Oh you are too thin". Its rude to say how you really feel. That you feel like a fat cow and that they are being biased because they are friends and family. A stranger on the street doesn't stop me and say,"OMG you are too thin, you look like you are going to pass out." If that were the case, maybe that would make me re-think my situation. But I am sure that I could come up with an excuse for their remarks.

Valentine's Day of all days to feel like this....WOW. It sucks.

[candy]

Mama! I love ya! You're my hero, you know that. Just keep at it. Even though it's Valentines day doesn't mean a thing! You're better than all tat junk. Don't be so down on yourself. We will hang out tomorrow and life will be grand! I promise. we may never like what we see, but we will always be a little closer!

Can't wait to see you tomorrow. I will call you or you can call me. I don't work till 3, so call me anytime. I wish I didn't work at all then I could come spend 2 whole days with you.

Just had to tell you, Kekwick is going great. Haven't cheated at all, don't even want to. yay to Ana bracelets and stupid boys that we hate trying to give us "kisses", yay, he tried to give me a hreshey kiss at work today, can you believe it. He was all like "we should go out to lunch sometime" I was like 'um have you forgotten, I don't eat?" LOSER!

Sorry, had to rant. See you tomorrow night!

[MamaOf3]

Every morning its the same routine when I wake up. I get out of bed...I go pee and stand at the edge of my bed. I press the center of my scale with my right big toe and I wait for it to calibrate. I step on, right foot, then left. I center myself to make sure that I am completely on there and I get the correct reading. Now...what comes next varies. Somedays I am content...I smile, climb back into bed and wait for the alarm to get the kids up. Some days, I say that the scale is not nice to me....which means that I didn't gain or lose from the morning before. If the scale is not nice to me, I give a pout and go sulk in bed. Then, there are the occasions that the scale is just a bitch and I get the impulse to throw the f*er out of the window. Those are the days that I gain. And then I just kick the scale under the bed and I grab a laxative and bottle of water. Today....the scale truly loved me. I was 79.5lbs. This was my UGW for a while. This is what I have been waiting for. Do I rejoice? Do I scream and shout? Where's my brownie pin so I can wear that hard earned number on my sleeve?

I am not happy....I don't feel any different than I did yesterday. Infact...I feel that I look fatter.

Bullocks. (not sure if that is how its spelled) I just love that word. heehe

[MamaOf3]

Goodmorning,

Man oh man. I had a sleep over with a girl friend and so I decided that I wanted to be able to stay up late. I took an ephedrine and it bit me in the ass. I was up all night, alright. I am exhausted. I spent most of the night cleaning my house like a mad woman. Although, I have come down off of my "high" and now my lovely children are awake and ready for the day. I am ready to go to bed. Meh I am debating taking another ephedrine and such.... not sure if I want to though. I don't want to crash from that later.

Mentally wise with weight loss and ana....I am just not in a good place. I like being thin....I have craved this.... but I am afraid that I might have taken it a bit too far. There is nothing left. All I am is the muscle that helps me move and skin. I still have some boobs, but that's about it. No curves... my jeans sag in the butt, and even my undies don't fit. WTF! I am starting to get those scary looks. Now strangers have been making comments that I look like a skeleton and such. I am not sure if that was my goals or intentions. I don't want to give my children the wrong idea either. Although.. even thinking this, I am deathly afraid to gain weight! I don't want to gain weight to look "better???" I am hoping that working an exercise routine in my life and slowly building it up, that I will start looking better. I do realize that I will gain weight as I gain muscle. I am willing to gain a bit. So... this is a never ending battle.

[MamaOf3]

I just got back from joining Bally's Total Fitness Club. I am a bit scared... ok well scared to death of gaining weight and putting on mass! I know that I need to get some muscle tone, but that doesn't mean that I am not afraid that it will go to far. I have worked so far for my ribs, hips, collar... all the bones that I have showing to show. That gap between my thighs.... all this work that I have done for a year. I don't want to ruin it.... but I want to look a bit better. I keep bumping my hip bones on everything. Doors, cabinents, the floor....everything and it hurts like hell. Change is not supposed to be easy but I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. With the membership, you get one session with a trainer. I am going to tell her what I want...see if she has any good ideas, and if so...I will keep her so that I don't get big. I want to stress the point that I DO NOT WANT MASS or WEIGHT!! I just want to have definition and some tone. I hope that I can achieve it. Wish me luck. I must go grocery shopping now. oh joy!

[MamaOf3]

Its Monday again and its Presidents Day so all the kids are home. Its raining outside and that means that the kids are going to be inside all day driving me crazy. Woot Woot!

I haven't been sleeping well for that past month atleast. I normally can't fall asleep until some time after 3am. Its driving me crazy and I am exhausted all day. That makes it so hard to exercise and burn calories. Hell, it makes it hard just to do the daily activities of a wife and mother. That's not my point. I was online lastnight, nothing to do, so I was searching people on myspace. Ya know, ex boyfriends, and friends. And I found him. I found the guy who started my ED. I was young and impressionable and in love so I did everything I could to make him happy. I was 18, he was 23...I was not skinny, but not fat. I say I was fairly average...maybe a little chunky. Anyway, this guy told me that I had a big butt and make some other comment. He went away on a 6mo deployment and during that time, I did all I could to lose the weight to keep him. When he returned home, I was skinny. I weighed around 70-75lbs and he told me that I was too skinny then. He broke my heart and I would say made me have an ED, but he certainly started it. I started with extreme extercise. Then it was not eating, and then I went to purging anything I ate. I have had struggles from then on. So yeh, I found him and I messaged him. See, he is also the guy who took my virginity...so there is a lot of past there. I feel kinda odd about messaging. I again go back to my original self and thoughts with him if he thinks that i am skinny enough....or perfect enough...etc. I wonder when we "catch up" if I should mention the damage that he did to me? I guess we will see if he replies to the message that I sent him.

[candy]

Hey love
Just thought I'd drop a line and say I love you! I know you're terrified to gain mass at bally's but you need to be able to lift your baby girl into the shopping cart to go shopping and such. Just look at it that way, maybe?

Hope you're presidents day went well and the kids didn't drive you too crazy.

I will hopefully talk at you tomorrow...If not, we'll just have to wait till firday when I get INTERNET!

Love you and thinking of you
Candy

[MamaOf3]

Well thanks Candy. I can lift my daughter into the carts, it just takes me a bit. lol I don't think that its that bad, and I would love to have some tone and definition to my muscles. I do think that it is a reasonable worry and concern to not wanting to get bigger. I have worked so hard to get where I am at. It sucks to think to lose it all and have to start over.

This evening the family went for a bike ride. My husband pulled our daughter in one of those carts, and the boys followed and I took up the rear. I think we did atleast a mile. It was nice and by the end my legs were feeling a bit soupy. When we came in and I sat down, I felt a bit sick to my stomach. I loved it. hehehe So tomorrow I get to go to the gym and completely feel like that. That is something I am looking forward to with going to the gym. I love feeling the burn of muscles and like you have actually accomplished something. Its addicting to me and that's where I end up getting into trouble. It starts with once in a while and then I am obsessed and I work out 3times a day and no eating and so forth and boom....I am back to square on and in the shit hole. Ok...so its late and I have an early morning of course.

[omnifabulous]

Ive heard muscle weighs the same as fat but is more dense and sticks out like 30% less or something, so I dont think you should worry about that, plus it feels great to exercise really boosts your mood. Muscle also burns fat in your sleep and you burn 25% more calories for up to 4 hours after you exercise. Also if you gain you will be defined and stuff, instead of not exercising and gaining and just getting back pudge, just me its key to your health and alot of exercises wont make you bulk up. And tell your husband ana comes from low self esteem and someone who vowed to cherise you till death do you part should not make it worse by teasing you! There are lots of threads about exercising and not gaining mass you should look for some of them, great info. Good luck!