good girls don't swallow.

[ashling]

first post and i am already loving ur journal you have came soo far hun.
cant wait to see hw tings go for ya... xx

[small_angel]

i have no one to blame but myself. >/ i ended up breaking my fast before it even began - i am weak; i am not in control.

slimfast shake - 190 calories
wheat thins - 130 calories
whole grain english muffin w/ light butter - 175 calories
2 eggs - 140 calories
diet iced tea - 0 calories

that's 635 calories in 4 hours. i disgust myself. no more food for the rest of the day, and i am continuing with the fast i planned. the downside is i cannot purge like i'm used to doing - my mother has been keeping a close eye on me lately. :[ i'll try to think of this as an energy boost for the next 7 days... but it's hard to just blow over something so upsetting.
luckily i'll be getting a 3 days' supply of adderall tomorrow, so that'll propel me over the "3-day hump" (although i am capable of fasting on my own, it's always nice to have a bit of chemical help. ^-^ heehee.)

off to workout for an hour or two.
stay strong; stay in control. <3

[small_angel]

wow. on here again. sorry i talk too much. >.< heh. lol
my mother made brownies... and got on my case again about being "so thin". before i recovered (i think around october-november i went into recovery - about halfway through november i told everyone i was finally better; i've relapsed obviously, but most people think i'm "normal" now) she started saying things like this. but i'm not too worried, i think she's just jealous. :/

tonight they're taking me to a superbowl party at the neighbor's house. SO MUCH FOOD will be there. i'm planning on exercising a bit more after battle practice is over and filling up on green tea and diet iced tea. ^-^ i might take my medicine, too - since that makes me feel full.

green tea - 160 calories.
hmm... haven't opened it yet. maybe it isn't worth it. cause that's a lot of calories. -_-
i've been spending HOURS in front of the mirror again. i keep getting fatter! the scale says 103, but the mirror says 217! :[ and when i touch my skin i can feel the fat just overwhelming my bones, blowing me up and making me disgusting, repulsive, obese. and everyday i seem to gain 2 pounds. maybe when i reach my second goal of 90 pounds, i'll look thinner? i sure hope so.

stay strong; stay in control! <3
love you all.

[small_angel]

it's been days! swamped with schoolwork and doctor's appointments. meh.
doing well on my fast. i'm going to go a bit longer than a week if i can. ^-^ i've decided to weigh myself at the very end, instead of various times a day, and see how that works out.
feeling dizzy and sick, but otherwise - AMAZING! i got a membership to the gym yesterday, and am planning on going later tonight for 3 hours. yay treadmills!

i have a question for you lovely people: have any of you felt that fasting and restricting was a competition, even though the person you feel you're competing against isn't anorexic and/or isn't trying to restrict? (confusing, lol) my problem is that my girlfriend went from 136 to 120 pounds in 2 weeks, and either eats nothing for days straight or eats very little - she's not trying to lose weight, it's just because she forgets and barely has time to stop anyway. i know for a fact it isn't on purpose, and she does eat when she remembers or has time... but i feel like i MUST, MUST, MUST compete with her to eat less, lose more, look thinner. but at the same time, i'm constantly hiding my ED from her and making absolute sure she doesn't end up with one. i guess i'm just too dramatic? idk. i was wondering if anyone had a similar situation? much appreciation!

remember to stay strong and stay in CONTROL! <3
lots of love; have a great weekend!

[small_angel]

ello, loves! ^-^
things are going pretty well - still fasting! i can't wait to see my weight loss. i think i'll stop fasting on friday. i feel so... alive. the pain let's me know i'm still here, getting thinner, and i feel so empty. ...it's an amazing feeling. hard to describe.

however, my school/home life is not doing any better. :[ but i try not to think about it. meh.

going to an all-night rave this saturday! i'm the happiest i could ever be because of that. AND it's snowing right now - so i got off school today. heehee. and last night my band recorded our demo tape for the battle of the bands contest in march - i'm so excited for it! i plan to be 90 pounds for the actual contest (on march 7th). but it doesn't end there cause on march 10th i leave for france! holy shit i have so much coming up. i'm going to have barely any time to eat anyway.
but anyway, i'm hoping to make it through this snow to the coffee shop to meet my girlfriend and my best friend for a late lunch (just a coffee for me heehee).

stay strong; stay in control. <3

[max]

It snowed here too You must be around my neck of the woods.... well actually is raining a buttload right now- boo to that.

I hope your fast is going well I know that feeling you speak of... when hunger pains = "knowing ur there"
I'm sorry to hear about your rocky upbringing... I think alot of us have simular childhoods to some degree in that it makes us very independent.... and ednos is a very independent addiction. We do it alone, we want to be alone , we want control. It also like.... when we are old enough to recognize our past flaws we feel empty without it -- so we find a new way to bully ourselves to fill a void.

NE ways.... welcome and Hang in there! almost friday !

-max

[small_angel]

thank you so much, max! ^-^ it means a lot to me to know there's someone out there that understands.

unfortunately yesterday i made the mistake of asking my father to massage my aching shoulders for me (stupid, stupid, stupid me) and when he felt all the bones poking through, he freaked. he told my mother and they both went on about eating - so long story short: i had to eat. -_- but he basically said i was a lump of fat and needed to work out more, so it's not like they're assuming a relapse in anorexia here. whew! strange though, you'd think they'd be even a bit suspicious? oh well, good for me that they don't care! heehee.
but today i ate nothing. water and diet iced tea all day. so i'm going to be fasting again for a while. hopefully i'll get below 100! freaking plateaus. -_- how i hate them.

i'll post a picture i took 3 days ago in just a bit here...

stay STRONG; stay in control <3

[small_angel]

i ended my fast today - i'm at 98 pounds! hopefully i'll be able to keep it all off, though. i'm worried that as soon as i start eating i'll gain 5 pounds and more in an instant. :[
going to subway for my father's birthday tonight, so i'll have to be careful.

i went to dracula's ball this past saturday and had THE TIME OF MY LIFE. i cannot explain how amazing it was. <3
and my band got into the battle! it's so exciting.
only 8 more pounds to go!
i'm sticking to only restricting and exercising for now. i can do this!

stay strong; stay in control.

[small_angel]

now my parents are getting suspicious. :/ i don't know how to change that.
unintentionally, i didn't eat anything today. just drank iced tea and powerade.

i took 2 adderall this morning, and had battle practice earlier - so i'm freakin amped! we're getting better and better each passing day. i can hardly control my excitement!

hopefully tomorrow will be a good day, even though i have to work. -_-

stay strong; stay in control. <3

[meddymay]

Wow you're doing so well!!

keep up the good work, and loving the pics.

xxx

[small_angel]

thank you, meddymay, for the compliment.

so far things have been hectic. -_- everything's gone haywire. i've lost all desire to eat and even thinking about food makes me want to puke. i guess that's good.

i don't really have much else to say. i'm sticking to weighing myself at the end of every week, because weighing myself 5 times a day is making me stress more. not to mention it's suspicious.

my mood has dropped considerably. i'm basically sick of everything and everyone. i'm confused about everything. i don't know what to do anymore.

hope you're all well. <3
stay strong; stay in control.

[omnifabulous]

nice journal. I saw you wrote something about addictions and let me just say dont shoot heroin. It seems obvious, but sometimes it isnt at all. Like when you live in a crack house.. ugh. If you do it once its all over, because its the perfect drug you will never feel that amazing without it... totally sucks, im impressed with myself for weening myself off so I only had to do 3 days of withdraw non-consecutivly.. but seriously... not like you needed a lecture from me but anyways. Great job on the 98 lbs, how tall are you? And good luck with battle of the bands man! Also I can see where your friend is coming from because for couple days I forgot to eat cause I was busy, doing cool stuff like playing video games alone in my room for days lol. Umm what kind of music do you play? Welcome to the forums too. Yes I do always type like an ADD case study.

[small_angel]

thank you, omnifabulous. ^-^ and don't worry, i'm not into heroin or anything. i've had 2 friends get into that and their lives have gone to hell - my one friend had to move across the country just to escape his addiction. :[ but i'm so proud of you for having the strength to quit! 10,000 kudos to you! heehee. chemical addictions are so hard to deal with, i know. i'm here if you ever need it, love.
oh, and my height is 5'1''. lol
my band plays a bit of a mix. i don't know what genre we are exactly >.< but we're a bit of metal/alternative/electronica. have you heard of eyes set to kill? it's kinda like that i guess. lol ^-^
heehee. it's okay that you change subjects as fast as you think of them. i have adhd - so it's all good. i understand. XD

today i had nothing to eat but 7 fries and 3 bites of chicken. :/ i have absolutely no will to eat. not that that's a bad thing, but usually i'm constantly thinking of ways to avoid food and keep busy. now i can't even think about it or else i feel... i don't know how to explain it. dirty, i guess. sick. like... think about the top 5 most disturbing deaths you've heard of or seen: yeah, that's the feeling. :[ blah. i feel crazy.

hope all is well!
stay strong; stay in control.

[omnifabulous]

Yeah I had to move a state over too lame. I miss my room and my cat. But I guess its about time I get my life together anyway. I have never heard of eyes set to kill maybe ill check it out later. Good luck with everything.

[small_angel]

it's been a while. i had battle of the bands and then i've been getting ready for my trip to france. hectic! we had horrible technical difficulties and placed third in the battle. but afterwards a lot of people wanted to talk to me about getting more serious in the singing industry... wow. and this girl named sarah from one of the more well-known local bands said she'd be honoured and couldn't wait to sing with me someday. XD she said my voice was a vocal orgasm.

anyway, food and weight wise: most days i manage to stay under 400 calories - i can't keep much down anymore. but because of all my partying, i tend to overeat between 12 and 3 in the morning. -_- fucking munchies. bleh. so i've ultimately gained 3 pounds. absolutely disgusting.

leaving for france in 3 days - so i'm restricting to 250 or less calories a day and when i'm in france, that won't change much. lots of exercise, too! i won't be on here the entire time i'm in france - so when i get back i'll be sure to post everything! wish me luck!


stay strong; stay in control.
STARVE STARVE STARVE! <3