Screaming in silence..

[optimistic20]

wow you've lost soo much. when were you at 210?

you are an inspiration to me.

[ashling]

Ohh wow tahts thats so nice.. thank you. prob bt 10 months ago r so..
wow ya have done soo well to.. hw have ya been doing it..

Last nyt went drinking wit the girls last nyt.. was intresing..lol.. gtin flash baks of me kncking a fence..lol...and very bad singing attempts.. he he i wud much rather blow my cals on drink then food..well i wud actualy like to never blow them o nanyting bt i wudnt be very alive then wud i.. strangly i never gt that bad of hungovers these days..

Last nyt me and a razor blade had a disagremnt it won..
Bt lifes al about set backs isnt it. When tings like this happen yas just gta pick urself back up forget bt it and start again..

she has a secret;
a dark addiction;
she tries to hide it
but if you look closely you'll see:
she's slowly disappearing

[ashling]

I dreamt you were mine,

In my madness your there,

The taste of your lips,

Haunt my every waking moment,

In my mind its just to real,

And in the darkness of night,

I wake up screaming,

So much I regret,

The lies the fact I hide,

My life a play and I am the leading actress,

I could run now or die,

But there no were left to run,

I fell the cut but no blood flows,

Without you I don't live, just exist,

Lie to me,

Tell me someday you, ll be mine,

I,ll live in hope,

It's a suicidal Romance

[optimistic20]

this past week i started at 191 lbs, and my caloric intake on most days was 200-400 calories. so basically just restriction with a little exercise.

since my social outing this friday, i have put on a couple of pounds, but i'm not worried since i know tomorrow is monday and i'm sooo good during the week.

[ashling]

Wow fair fucks to ya.. ur doing soo well keep it up and stay strong hun..

He he i gt an exercise bike and electronic scales yesterday... Fucking love them didnt like the scales till this morning they were so mean yesterday..

Omg i gt soo druk last nyt and soo dying tis mrning had to eat just so i had sumin in me to trow up.. hehe i cnt evn rember all last nyt.. Just hope i didnt do nuting dumb....I do rember gtin violently sick i ten gt a text saying ha ha u gt sick last nyt. random.. and in my drunken state i rember tinking why is it all red when i am drinking vodka and seven up.. plus is hadnt eating anyting. strange... Bt i deserverd to gt pissed was sting there gting quite tipsey and me ex just walked into the pub to meet us evn though he lives life half an hour away and didnt knw we were there.. My fucking jaw dropeed.. why does evertinh in my life have to be soo stupidly random and coinceadential

I went to the off liscnse al by myself.. emm wonder hw cum they never ask me for i.d. r evn say anting bt the amount of times i am in there every week. like fuck me i am only 16.. he he he.. . i must of luked so weird i am famous for drinking anyting beer, wine, cider you name ass long as i gt platic i ll drink it deof nt an alcopop girl bt i came bk wit vodka and diet seven up if ya dont mind.. Strangly it was beacuse i didnt wnt those dumb sclaes to go up...

I actualy tink i am still druk tis mring going round the house talking to the cat and the dog tellin thme to piss of and stop wrecking my head.. he he omg i am an idiot..

And i found a pair of old jeans there soo big i nerly trew up loking at them bt i gt in thme and its like on un of those adds for like slim fast were ya see the perosn in these way to big of trousers.. he he i actualy danced around my room liseting to linkin park in them fuck me i am strange.
And i gt the most gorge we black dress.. its realy hot strapless and short bt it doesnt fit.. YET juts gt it for inspiration i wll fit in it.. he he

i've come to the point where
nothing matters anymore. and
the things i used to care about
aren't worth fighting for.

[ashling]

Last nyt i had a massive binge and purge just kept eating and eating then wud run to the bathrom and claw the food out of myslef then do it over and over agin utill i just cudnt anymre... I was up realy late and didnt realy gt any sleep my dreams were haunted by all my fears and stuff i didnt even knw i cared about. Stuf i taught i was over..
Felling pretty fucked up today its like why am i ven trying anymre nuting realy seems to matter as much anymre bt the stuff taht i dnt wnt to tink r care about is mthe only ting running thru my head...

[ashling]

Today I was soo tired I cudnt even go to school for the last week I have been getting no sleep I keep waking up wide awake at al sort of hours and cant get back to sleep. Even my dreams are all fucked up.
It kiling me just lying awake for hours in the darkness of night staring at the ceiling stressing out about shit I have no control over..

So today I had anther two binge and purge sessions.. Wohohohho.. no that’s not gud I have to stop this shit. My stomach is in bits now..

When I was younger me and a mate use to play this game as I lived in the middle of nowere.. We use to go out run through hedges through forests and fields for miles and miles untill we were completlly lost and then we would try and find our way.. It wud take hours and was scary but we loved it..
I wud love to be that young and be able to do it now to just escape from reality..

[ashling]

Smoking way to much blow today so got the munchies.. shit its like i just want to binge and never stop but i cant and its just cravings craving and m0re cravings.. omg i am going to die..lol..

[ashling]

This week has benn so fucked up....
And tnaks to a nice suply my eating is all over the place..
Its a mix bettween afmine and fast.. Aww i hate the munchies but ben getting beter al week trying to eat less and less so i will be ready for monday.. Soo excited..

Aw wee boy walked by me tday coughed called me a goth and walked on only he was like 12 i was about to trottel him..i ddint even know him and he had no idea how i wud of recated luckiy i am so mellow plus i only figured out what he said when he had walked on by...
Plus i didnt even lok lie a goth a lil emoish yes but its terrible when a little brat like that has no maners..

How can the world not expect girls and boys to have such self esteem problems when peole have no problem being so blunt and speaking their mind.... Fucking corupt world.


I reamin living in hope[/b]

[ashling]

4 pm
Okay well today was my first day of my master clense..
which means i am living of that ...
1)lemon/canyee peeper/mapel syup cockail
2)Sum gum
3)and fags..
lol omg and guess what i am working in a supermakret like wit all the food..Today i spent ages working right beside the bakery and the smeel of fresh bread and criossants was unberale but i didnt cheat...
Ahaha i may be weak but cum on i aint going to fuck up on the very first day...
Then i had my lunch in the rain a bottle of my cockail then 2 fags.. yum..
Then after that i had to pack shelve with food but wait just to give me and extra kick in the balls i had to do all the sweets and shit..
I have actualy been very ignorant to the different foods there are available like ya can get bout 13 diferent cusatred.. What the fuck..
Now i wil be having cravings for food i didnt know existed..

Well back to my diet..
Cravings arent too bad consideration..
Felling a lil tired gud finaly beat the insomia..
And fell a lil less bloted..

Wel seeing as i have been such a gud girl all day myt just go treat myself to a fag..

7 pm.
Just home there a while ago and my mum made me eat dinner cause she knew i had nuting all day.. But she wnet to the sho pand i purged it spent way longer than usual to make sure evry bit came home.. Hope it hast runied today work... Still anther botle lef to drink..
Its relay not that bad to drink.. Excapt for the pepper stuff.. Yuck..

[ashling]

Sopent lunch hanging out wit a kinda fired was fun he sweet and charming but its comlited at least it kept ma away form food..

Ok day two done with no cheating.. Well a few tick tacks.. taht like 10 cals.. The hunger is prety minimal i am enjoying felling it agin getting stronger as the day goes on...

Had my delicouus cocktail for brekie
listening to Linkin Park "one stpe closer"...Helped to not concentrate on the taste.. Iam enjoying all tis being tired and hungry but i am afraid taht i am just going to brreak down and think fuck it its not like i am going to loose anting or i will put it all back on so whats te poing bt thats the sort of defitious attitude that got me here in the first place..

Was loking at old pic there soo gross defo going to pots before and after when i reach my first big goal..

[ashling]

Ok stuck to the master clense today agin.. Soo geting hungry and i stepped on the scales when i got home and they havent changed..
Hoping its just al the water weight as i have drunk a gud few liters today..
Wishtful thinking but we wil see in the mrning..

I am going out tis weknd big drinking session..
I dont want to go out on a completely empty tum r i wil be fucked.
Its a special event so havta go.. Plus got loads of funky dressses there a few days ago sum a lil tight to motivte me.. he he

Awwwwwwww why is the weight going...

[omnifabulous]

Have you seen mean girls? With Lindsay Lohan? Well if you havent she tricks the one girl into eating like 5000 cals a day and tells her that it burns all her carbs so she bloats with water weight and when the water weight goes you drop 10 lbs like that. I know thats a movie and it was to explain to the girl that she wasnt gaining even though she was but maybe thats kinda like whats happening to you, and I think we all read that article about water, since you are drinking so much maybe soon your body will stop holding on to it and you will drop 10 lbs just like that! lol. Good luck and good job on not cheating I wish I would go through with that.

[ashling]

Yeah seen taht film and ddint lidsay look HOT in it.. he he
omg omnifabulous i wud fucking loved it taht happen... Intresting theory..
i knw like i tink i do actualy drink to much satruday morning me and sum mates had shots for breakfast..lol.. Well its only the weknd once a week..he he he he

Well i follwed my plan for 5 days with no cheating...
And............ i dont know if i have lost anyting..lol..
I had to stop friday casue i had a big weknd on.. a mates birthday so we went to a club and then to hers for a house party which involved lodsa drink and no sleep.. Partying saturday and then just a few drinks on Sunday to stop me dying.... Sooooo havent got to check the scales yet.

But on teh plus side aand this is a big masive plus..
Guess who i was with friday nyt my crush Kev..
Anyun who reads my journal will know how long i have been crushing after him and how i have been with him a few times but dont know how to move it on to the next level...Then Sunday i ws with him agin just lying in his amrs i cant explain how content and happy i felt and just to kiss him is pure excaty.. i know i am rambling a lil..
But i love him soo much it hurts....

[ashling]

Now i know why i am still fat...
Fucking devils calling card...Rarararaaarrara And i wnted to have fun tis weknd......

Anyways havent eaten today but dinners being made will just have to eat and purge..Yes not gud but what else can i do...They knw i havent eaten today...


Later on taht eveing:
Well i had my dinner and then taught seeing as i wud be trwing up wud have 3 cookies and a piece of toast...Like thast nuting compared to when i binge usually..But after eating it i was lying on the couch almost in tears my whole stomach had bloated felt pregnatit felt lie my ribs had locked or someting..It must be because i havent realy eating in a few day just bits and pieces...I have nevr been in soo much pain like i have broken bones and falling of a 12 ft wall in barb wire but this was unreal..I am never going to binge again.Have ya ever seen supersize superskinny were they have to swap meal.. I dont fell sorry for the uns that have to starve but for the uns that have to eat loads...God i ran to the toilet and purged with out even having to try..i HAVE NEVER FELT SUCH RELIEF WHEN IT WAS ALL GONE...Plus i steped on the scales and i am down to 153 which is good seing as i am on my period...

Tell peole whatever they want to hear to keep them happy