Stronger than Temptation

[Fire]

Ugh. Sick. Very sick, for a very long time. I couldn't even move for 2 of those days. I wasn't on the computer for 4 of those days, but I was sick for 5 days. Not counting today, but I still have a bit of a cough. I wasn't even hungry for most of that time, but then I was ravenous, like I'd just come off a 40-day water fast or something, and I bought and ate 2 pizzas (split with my little girl, of course). That, of course, was right after I got out of the clinic, for an excuse for class. They weighed me, obviously, and I was 102. Weird. Anyway, Wednesday was like a 900-cal day, but I'm fairly sure I burned at least 1500 or 1600 every day I was sick since I was shaking and burning up, so I'm less worried about it than normal.

I'm behind on schoolwork. I did some of the math tonight but the literature and the Italian are going to take some time to catch up in. Literature is a ticking clock: the teacher will KNOW, telepathically, if I did the readings or not. Well, actually, he's been a teacher for years, so he's probably got the psychology of unprepared students down to a science...

And it's Lent. For crying out loud. I meant to give up meat, milk, cheese & eggs, and be dietarily vegan for a while, but the pizza was stronger temptation than I could resist. Huh. Well, good news and bad news come together, I guess. I'm 102 but I screwed up Lent and ate cheese. I don't know how important Christian asceticism is to an anorexic Christian... since every day is kind of like fasting for Lent... but anyway, it was something I was going to do.

Oh, and I love all of you so much for your wonderful thoughts & comments.

[Fire]

When I was sick, I ran out of my anti-depressant, but I got some after 5 days. Strange how much difference 5 days off medicine can make. So the past couple of weeks have been hell: going up when I take it, going way, way down when I forget. I've mostly been trying not to lose weight, but I want to... I'm torn. My thighs look huge to me, still, but I'd just about kill to have a chest again. I'm vegan now, at least for Lent, except when I slip. Slips are usually cheese or mushroom pizza; comfort food, emotional eating. Anxiety is killing me, depression is bearing down on me, and I can't concentrate to save my life.

My parents came to town yesterday and helped me with laundry, which I've not done in at least a month for lack of will to do it... 7 loads in one afternoon. My dad hung a curtain rod in my bedroom which has been 20 months without curtains, and now my bedroom has a sheer, white, floor length curtain. He also hung a doorway pull-up bar, so I can do some exercising in my house. I can't even do one pull up from straight arms, not halfway.