me so fatty :(

[mia_me]

im scared to eat now.. geez! this really isnt going well.

and when i do eat its a b/p so ugh. i've lost weight which is a good thing but its going too fast! i dont want people to notice! im already wearing baggy clothes all the time now.

[mia_me]

i've decided to really stop purging now.. and i mean it this time. i've given it some thought and i do it just to hurt and punish myself.

i never feel like im good enough for someone else so i just do it to punish myself, in the hope that i'll become a better person etc. i realized this last night, i had a fun night out clubbing, etc, but then i saw this guy who was madly in love with me like a month ago? maybe longer.. i havent seen him for a while though, but i saw him last night kissing someone else and it kind of upset me. i mean, he got over me pretty quickly, and one of his friends didnt even let me say hi to him? wtf was up with that. i got SOO depressed because i thought he was a good friend! even though i didnt like him back in that wya, i did like him as a friend.

and then my coat got stolen i came home and was angry and depressed. so i just b/ped a lot.

and this morning i felt like i was going to die, i was so dehydrated or something, i was shaking and my heart was pounding really hard and fast. it scared me, and i honestly thought i was going to die. and then it hit me, im slowly killing myself with all this b/p-ing im doing. and for who? and for what?

for who am i losing this weight? its never good enough, never skinny enough, not perfect enough. im not doing it for myself because i feel like shit no matter how much i weight. if im doing it for other people, why cant i just be happy now that im getting a lot of attention from guys. i just.. cant be happy. and purging feels like a way to just hurt myself, to remind myself to try harder, be better.

but if isnt never good enough, i'll never stop doing it. i just -have- to get over it. and i will

[mia_me]

who am i kidding.. i already popped a pizza in the oven and am planning more things to binge on. im horrible..

[mia_me]

two b/ps today.. ugh. why cant i stop.

maybe i neeed to get my mind off of it. yeah.