Manutd's Journal

[manutd]

Hmm... So i figure i'll try making one of these. I read them, and everyone seems really supportive on them. Though i guess i've never acctually wrote one on hear for myself. So hear's my go...

Right. Well i really need to quit bingeing and purging. The bulimia side of me is really spinning out of control. It's like when they upsetg me, i turn to food. Whne someone says something, food is the answer. And i dont enjoy it. hate food. I know loads of people who can't pure say that they wish they could. But really. My purging is just an excuse for binges. I'm alllowed to eat another buiscuit becuase it's going to come out anyways. It's a horrible feeling... I hate allowing myself to binge...

I use to be good before... I use to be able to restrict. I use to be able to fast. Now? I'm not so good at it... I think i've developed the attitude i use to have. Before my eating disorder. I used food as a comfort. I was never good enough for them.... I was too stupid, too fat. Have i proved them wrong yet? They don't say anything now... but secrtly... do they still hate me? And when i think that i'm using food as a comfort. I keep thinking... what if i go back to being that obese pig i was? What if i gain it all back?

Everyone at school were so shocked when i lost all my weight. Ha. Last year. They use to say "she's gone so skinny!". Am i skinny? Nope. I'm a UK size 10. Its not big (i know big), but it's not skinny either. I wish it was.. I bet all of them weigh less then me. I dont get it though. With school. They all eat. They eat stuff, which if i ate that - i'd straight out consider it a binge... Makes me wonder.. Are my binges really binges? And i honestly feel disgusted. Sick to my stoumach when i see them eating pizza or chocolate or whatever. How ocme their not fat though? How come they can eat, without caring? How come they dont give a fuck about their weight? I guess i'm not normal or soemthing.

It's stupid. I dont fit the "diagnostic criteria" for either anorexia or bulimia. I've never been diagnosed with anything by my doctor... (though the school nurse was "concerned"). Does that mean i odn't have an eating disorder? What does it acctually mean to have one? To be a certain weight or to have this constant battle going on in your head? If it's the latter i guess i od have one... But i dont know anymore...

So i guess i'm starting this journal, in hope of by the end of 08. I will be my ultimate goal weight. I will reach it... It's hard... trying to stop bingeing. Thats my major quest right now. I'm not going to rush into a fast or anything, becuase i'm not sure if it'll work. So restricting under 600 cals at the moment.. I'm hoping alot of it consists of fruit... Wish me luck?

[sailorv]

Good luck to you xx I hope you find the support you want on here.
I take it you are from the UK, as you support Man Utd? I am a Watford supporter (feel free to laugh ).
I hope you reach your ultimate goal weight, but I'm sure you will so I don't need to hope much

[manutd]

Thank you.
Yeah i support man utd. Lol, i was making my account and had no idea what to put as my name...
Er... yes you do i think...
*Sigh*
Got along way to go...

Anyways today has been an ok day as a whole.But i realized osmething. I eat becuase i know i'm going to purge. I've been in a purging mood, (thankfully no bingeing today), but seriously, whatever things i've ate has came back out. And now my throat is hurting a little... I'm scared i'm going to see blood in it again... I can taste it in my throat... I want to purge though.. Theirs soemthing so addicting about purging. And i need to get a control of the bulimia side of me. The beingeing isn't so good (ofcourse). And i hate the fact i can eat with my head saying it's ok becuase you can purge. I'd rather not eat at all...

I'm too scared to step on the scale... The last time i did it, i was crying and binged as a result... I feel disgusting when i step on the scale. I feel disgusting when i look at my body, or when i stand in front of the mirror. Food is meant to be the most natural thing in the world isnt it? Eating. And that's the reason people don't understand it. Then people also think it's just a diet or soemthing. It's so much MORE then that. And no one see's to understand. This war... it seems to help me live. But when i find out i've gained weight, i want to die. Why is this such a love hate thing? I hate parts of it.... but fuck i can't live without this.

It scares me... What if i "recover" and start eating properly again? What if i just keep bingeing. What will i do if i odnt have this any more? What if it just goes... leaves me? How would i handle life without this? It scares me... becuase i dont know who i am without it. Anyone feel the same? Like this war in my head... it's like my friend... soemthing i need... even though inside i might know it's bad for me... I hate it. But i love it too...

It fustrates me so bad when people don't understand. And not one person that i know does understand. They dont know what it's like. They have so many cliche thoughts that surround it. I wish they udnerstood. I wish they understood so damn bad... I dont want to get better. I dont want these thoughts to go... I need them. I need this. But they don't get it... No one gets it...

Anyways i'm not sure when i'll pluck up the ocurage to weigh myself... maybe after a good week or soemthing? I'll write my current weight on the blog after i weigh myself... I've got a long long way to go to be what i want to be... To not be such a disgusting fat cow...

x

[manutd]

I hate this fat fucking body of mine. Fat is fucking everywhere. I hate it. I want to bloody see my bones.

Maybe then people would notice me. I'm so left out all the time. I'm fucking lonely. Not one person understands. They can't relate. I'mn the outcast. Just like i've always been..

I just wnat to disapear... That would be amazing... I mean it doesnt matter if no one notices you when they cant see you right? But when your visable and they dont see you. Thats when it hurts more..

Ok needed a rant...