Kit's Journal

[sailorv]

I feel your pain. I've been in a contant binge cycle, I'll not eat at all until like, 4pm then I'll eat around 1000 cals. Sometimes less, sometimes more. Love the pics, your cat is gorgeous an so are you. Love your lip piercings, I really want some like that. Either that or an eyebrow ring. Anyways, Merry christmas for tomorrow, and good luck

[omnifabulous]

So, I stepped on the scale today Im going to try not to step on again till jan 1st (lets see if I can pull that off I usually weigh myself 3 times a day at least)

I was at 110, not terrible but I would rather be 105, and xmas is over so hopefully binge mode will be over, Im taking stacker 3 now, I hope that helps. I really wish I could be 105 for new years.

Lets say the stackers do raise my metabolism to burn an extra 100 cals ago that puts me at 1500 bmr, I need to burn 17500 to lose 5 lbs, Ill probably eat or drink most likely 500 cals a day so, I should be able to lose 1.5 lbs by new years which will prolly put me back at 108, i dont know it seems like I can lose weight faster than that. And it would take me to mid-januaury to get to 105, but thats just math, who knows how it will actually turn out... Math isnt always right esp cause the human body is really unpredictable.. I just have to keep in mind Im not that far away from my goal and I need to keep it up and I can get there or at least within 3 lbs of it by new years.. and thats pretty good right? And if my new years is anything like last years Ill probably end up not eating anything for 3 days straight.. good times.. Ah I hate stressing about weight I cant wait till Im happy with it.. which probably wont be ever if I want to look at it truthfully... After New Years Im going to start taking my effexor again and I cannot eat at all on that, so that should help too... I dont know I guess we will see what happens.

[omnifabulous]

I know I didnt want to weigh myself till new years but hey its me. I am just below 110 and thats after eating a little. And I think I have some water weight too cause its the end of the day and Ive been doing things that keep a water weight. I feel so bad cause** edited out paranoid** and the one was like "what are you like anorexic" and I already felt bad about other stuff so I just started crying. They were really nice to me though, they said they only hang out with the best people so I shouldnt feel bad and they wouldnt be with me if I were a bad person etc etc. It was nice. I only ate a piece of lasagna today, and a piece of cheese cake yesterday (great choices I know). I want to lose till I get sick, I hate myself right now. I feel terrible.

[omnifabulous]

hmm, so I thought I had a great day with my boy, he left his myspace up, and Im fuckin nosey bitch so I looked throught the messages. We have been dating since halloweenwish. Around early dec/late nov there are messages to a girl saying "hey we havent gotten drunk and taken incriminating photos lately" or something like that and she says something about how she never saw any of the first ones and he says he will find the cd. I saw the pics judging by the bg color of her default and the pics taken the place is in her room. They show her naked giving head and mayeb about to have sex and one of her totally haked etc, the guy you can only see his legs so Im not positve, but there is also a polaroid camera you can see next to her. The same one is next to me now on top the the comp, its his he left it here. She then says "oh no scandal photos of you, next time ill have to leave my clothes on and take advantage of you then ill have the pictures". Its so obvious but I dont want to believe it. I cant eat, I want to starve to death, I want to look as physically ill as I am emotionally.

[omnifabulous]

I feel so off track, I dont even remember what I have been eating, today I know I had an apple, an energy drink, some of the bread my bro made and few pieces of cheese, that isnt terrible right? I need to fucking lose I hate me. I start my anti depressants again on new years day that should help.

[omnifabulous]

I only ate an apple, an energy drink, and some pineapple today. I also have an adderall so I can take that when I dont feel like eating for a day or two. I started taking my anti depressant again, I have to take it in halves for now cause I hate how tired it makes me, it makes me yawn all the time too and then like while im yawning my jaw will convulse. Its really annoying. But it usually helps me not be able to eat. I weighed myself and I was at 109-110 ish but its the end of the day so I will do another weigh in in the morning. Wish me luck.

[omnifabulous]

Today:
A glass of sparkling apple cider (its sooo good!) 160
Cereal: 150
Bagel: 250 (im assuming although it was small)

Boyfriend took me to breakfast I had to eat lame!!

So thats what 600 ish calories.. wayyy too lazy to do math. I feel like I already messed up for the day though even though I guess its not terrible.

I keep forgetting I bought stacker 3's I just feel nervous about taking them cause Im put into a state of panic very easily that I cant always get out of especially when it involved uppers.

My friend is getting me to make me go to lunch with him ugh. I probably wont eat anything there at least i dont want to.

Looking back on 07 in a weightloss sense I think i lost like 20 lbs, cause in the summer i was 119 and that was from a drug problem I know in my senior year I was 130 i think. So yeah its not a ton at all but you know I guess its pretty good since I did manage to get myself to 110, and Ive been able to maintain that so now I just have to move from there, I plan on being back at a solid 108 by the end of the week or somthing, and 105 by mid jan?

[max]

Hey hang in there:) 20 lbs is a lot! Good for you!!!!

How's your boy situtation going?! I read your post about his myspace... that's a little sketchy. You should confront him. You shouldn't put up with that... if it were me i'd split lol But thats me... a twinkle of doubt and im out. That should be a moto on a teeshirt or something. fat/thin, pretty/ugly, short/tall...its doesnt matter... PEOPLE need to be treated with respect so dont let him get away with crap. seriously. (personally i hate myspce)

Hang in there - try not to dwell on what you didnt lose... think about how you will lose. When you look back... u see you lost alrdy. It's doable... it's mind over matter.

good luck

-max

[omnifabulous]

Havent eaten anything today and its 5 pm. yay. I feel really nervous and depressed today but Im just thankful its not as bad as I know it could be. I got really smashed last night and made an ass of myselfm I hate when I do that.

Yesterday was not so great I ate 3 slices of pizza! What was I thinking? The way I mostly rack up the calories is munching on cereal all day I cant wait till its gone. I just get bored and its easy to eat and stuff, but stupid anyway.

I just weighed in at 108 its probably just water weight gone but it motivates me to keep going anyway, like you can see the number so you can maintain it, you got there in the first place etc etc. Feelin pretty good about that, just wish I could shake this nervous feeling but like I said its better then it could be.

My car is still locked in a parking garage in Baltimore I need to get that soon! They locked it in(closed) new years eve I was only gone like 3 hours I dont know why the guy there didnt say something like you know "the garage closes in two hours are you sure you want to pay 20 to park here?" or something or warned me cause its was new years so they had diff hours that werent posted.. then I went down the next night and it was closed again, last night i would have gotten there at the same time so I didnt bother, Im starting to get really worried maybe Ill feel better when I dont have that in the back of my mind. But I have written enough for the day I know no one will read this if its super long : P (including me)

[max]

I'll read it

I too munch away at cereal and these indian snacks ive been getting off a vegan site. Today Ive managed to have a juice and some coffee... which is prety good cause im bored outa my skull.

Sorry to hear about your car situation... wish i could relate, but alas i dont have a car.

hang in there!!!

[Tainted_Existence]

I hope you get your car back soon. Well done on the weight loss so far! You look really good in the pictures and your cat is sooo cute! Good luck reaching your goals

[omnifabulous]

Thanks for the comments guys! And Im glad you'll read my long bornig posts max ha ha. Yeah I love my kitty! He is my baby and I spoil him so bad lol.

I ended up eating a rice crispy treat, energy drink, and vegan chicken pattie thing, prolly around 600 cals? My stomach was starting to bother me. I also get really depressed and anxious when Im hungry cause it turns into this whole ordeal cause I dont want to eat but I feel so sick when Im hungry like nauseous and soo soo depressed and upset, and Im too lazy to chew and I dont have the motivation to make anything and I get so upset that it makes me nauseous to eat, then when I do im mad it takes so long to feel like I ate and Ill get more upset if eating didnt automatically fix my anxiety/depression... etc. I end up turning alot of shit into a huge deal I cant help it for some reason, Im on day 3 of effexor, my body can usually get anti depressants to work within 6-7 days and work well at like day 9 or so, Im faster about it then some people I guess, but I really cant wait not to panic all the time. It would probably be easier to restrict if I didnt freak out every time I got hungry.

Im already dreading tomorrow cause Ill wake up hungry and yet another ordeal...

OMG I forgot I was doing tarot readings all day and I shuffled the cards and thought about ana and like my outcome card was death, and the card for hopes and fears represented nourishment and it said I was leaving beauty and crap behind and heading towards an unseen fatality or something like that I got two cards that said "fatality" and the death card!.

Btw if any of you want tarot readings I can do it just ask a question and Ill figure it out for you, you are spose to shuffle the cards yourself for your reading but maybe if I concentrate on you and your question it will still work right, Im pretty naturally talented in the occult when I chose to use it. (by occult i dont mean and satanic stuff just like tarot and astro and stuff)

[Jennifer]

Really hope the a/d's work soon. I was on them a few years ago and they really really helped (screwed with my libido though - most people lose it whilst on them, I have been horny ever since!!!haha!)

The tiredness can also be part of your depression - are you getting enough light? That was a massive thing for me, i just wanted to sleep all day, had no motivation, no energy, nothing... but once i got into a routine (up by 8 EVERY DAY no matter what) and started getting some sunlight into me i felt better. Also tried one of those light box things (it was gret but i couldn't afford it!) so I started going on the sunbeds twice a week. Bad for your skin I know, but made me feel a hell of a lot better!

Been off the a/d's for 6 years now and mentally I feel great (obviosly not 100% or i wouldn't be screwed up by food but hey ho!!)

Keep battling on hun, you're doing great

Jen x x x x

[max]

lol I go to the tan bed place about 2-3 times a month.... its true it makes you feel better. Im usually embarassed to be seen going in... but who really cares. I think in moderation they arent that bad for you... especailly if you never go out like me. I like it- keeps me from feeling ghostly. not to mention is all cozy warm for 15 mins.

tarots cards eh?! thats cool! I don't know too much about them. I'll have to think of a question... I'll get back to u on that one. You need a pic or anything?! cool!

I think we all view each day as a new battle.... but each day you succeed its like winning a war... or it can feel like it. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Don't dwell too many days ahead... it'll boggle ur mind

have a good fri!

[omnifabulous]

Mmk so I weighed in today at 107!! Yay progress. I never thought I would make it this far... So far today I have had a light string cheese (60 cals) a handful of cherry tomatos and a little bit of juice probably under 400 cals al together.

Yeah a pic would help so I can visualize you when I shuffle.. that sounds so so odd. I dont really get enough light I hate the cold so I dotn go outside hardly ever in the winter and I have insomnia so Im awake all night (for example last night I was up till 6 am) I think maybe I should try to go to a tanning place or something that would be fun my sister used to go sometimes and she says its awesome and it feels like being at the beach. Always reminds me of final destination 3 though lol.

Ive been halfing my anti depressants so I dont get so tired but its not as bad anymore so I think Ill start taking a whole one before I go to bed or smething.

Feeling better today but I still dont have my car >< My dad is spose to help me get it tomorrow if I dont get it myself today, I just hope I cant get a ride to work.