Screaming in silence..

[ashling]

I ate like about 500 cals from Friday till Sunday night in food.. And nuting didn’t loose un pound..
Well I did just finish my period hopefully that has sumin to do with it.. Bt then yesterday my mates forced me to gt a Chinese as they were getting something and I cudnt say I already had sumin as I had been wit them al day…Felt soo digusting..

Cant belive xmas is coming soo son.. And I hvent evn reached my goals.. Fell so digusted wit myself.
Just un mre stone and then I will see what else has to go. I knw from experience no matter what goals I complete its never enuf but I keep trying anyway..

I am sick of abusing my body had to go to the docs wit a chest infection and fell run dwn..on like 2 packs of tablets and sum medicine.. Surprise surprise.. sure guess what I did after school yesterday.. Cam home ate then purged then gt stoned off my face on aresols then smoked two fags…in the spce of an hour…

Its just soo sickening this tym of year soo many parties, discos, clubs, which are great..
Not so great if ur two best mates have boyfriends tat they wnt shut up bt them (even though it isn’t have obvious un of them is cheating) .. It just fells like I have been there for them for years and nw they wud rater plese them than me.. Lke they have to go see them r they boys will be mad r sumin .. Ok yeah un of my mates I love her and her bf to bits we can all hang out hgave a lugh and drink and no lovey doviness between them bt the other un just snog and snog and snog and ur just siting there like what the fuck she doesn’t even hardly bther talk to ya…I don’t wnt a bf after going thru that shit before bt I wnt love..
And I knw who I wnt it with…sigh…


"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is worse, is to love someone and to never let them know how you feel."

[ashling]

Have ya ever ben so gratefull for sumting so stupid. Like a taxi nt going home. Well I am. I truly belive that for the second time something has stopped me from making a big mistake…

I am soo scared I fell so fat and ugly ryt nw dnt evn wnt to weight myself in cas ei have gained.. I hate xma.s. just shws hw weak I am last year I wnet NEW YEARS EVE AND XMAS DAY WITHOUT EATING ANYTING…thingss have to go bk like they were.. Soo sick of being weak..

Hapy xmas girls… *mwaaaaaaaaaa* thnaks for all ur support tis year..x

It's hard enough to
Be breaking down
But it's worse
When no-one notices

[ashling]

Well i got my xmas miracle.. nt realy.. i have ben felling soo fat was soo scared to step on the scales bt i havent gained anyting soo thats sooo gud i defo taught i have..and as of now boxing day i am strarting up agin to lose weight again properly..

Ryt new year new start....
My goals and resolutions. for next year are:
1) Get down to between 9-10 stone
2)Become a size 8-10
3)Do at least 300 sit ups every day
4)Keep a journal regurlary
5)Exercise nearly every day
6)Find love
7)Get my new tatto[/b]

[omnifabulous]

wow you are so close to your goal! Thats so exciting Im sure you can get there by march I hope you have before and after photos I would be interested to see them cause you have come along way! Good luck and great job on not gaining I know how exciting that is.

[ashling]

Thanks constance...
i knw i cnt wait bt then there will be more goals ya knw urself..
i am defo tinking bt puting up sum pic bt maybe when i loose a lil more. stil have a old pair of jeans that use to fit was looking at them today and i wnted to trow up...juts luking at them pputs me of food there massive.. i never relay felt i lokked any dif til i sen and old pic of me on hols luking like a beached whale.. i admit i am sitll fat bt gtin there slowly..

anyways ben restrcitng realy well the last few days fell alot less bloated anyways plus its 10 at nyt and just realised i havnt eaten today at all..

He he my ex rang me the other nyt and ben txing saying he loves me blah blah... felt gud just to tell him i wasnt intrested anymre.. he he..
other intrest..


If it hurts then its working

[ashling]

Ok i was dying of a hangover on teh first of Jan and my parnets dragged me to my relations for dinner... awww had to eat bt tehn gt a lift home straight home and i just had to purge it all up.. he he
then i dnt bther eating teh last few days excpt for 2 day my mate mde us have a roll each 2day in the coffe shop had to eat and cudnt gt out of it...


&& for once in her life
she takes a look around && realizes,
things need to change..

[DancerInTheMaking]

Wow sounds like oyu're going really well! I'm sure 2008 will be a great year for you, eif you keep losing like you are doing you'll be at your goal weight before you know it!!!
Best of luck... love ur journal btw
xxx

[ashling]

Thnaks dancer.. ur coment realy means alot to me..

Was out last nyt driking on an empty stomach adn i didnt gt taht drunk.. yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. . didnt make a fool of myself.. he he

Met the most amzing fella last nyt he was sooooo hot...spent the whole nyt kising and laughing trying to gt him to dance and he bough me loads of drinks.... it so unlike the ususal nutters in the club... and ten stupid me forget to gt my number evn thou he asked me half way tru the nyt to swap them at teh end... i suppose maybe its better this way.. theres no disapoinmtnet of a no realtionship, no awkard texing and it just stays a perfect night un spoilt..

Was preety hungover this mrning..lol.. it just like every time i write in here i am.. thats th joys of irleand girls...
I had sum fruit this mring had to gt someting in to me and have som veg for dinner just.. awwwwww fun.. evn though my fuckin family are gting a chippie in for thmsleve and i hate to sit there wit a plate of cauliflower. yum..


the higher he holds you up, the harder
you'll fall.. and trust me, you always fall<3

[ashling]

Why are boys soo fucking dumb, selfish and just down rite pricks..
my ex was txting me cause he needed advice bt him fucking this gril that had a boyfiend.. like why do i wnt to knw bt i wasnt going to pretnd i was anoyed so gave him advice then he strted telling me he loved me and wnted to gt bk togather taht he cudnt gt over me... like what the fuck.. did u read that start of tis. prick... he he told him were to go..

Anwya been feling sick like shooting pains in my stomach ndy knw what they are.. was soo bad at skul tday nwt to the bthroom and cudnt stand...

Been binging tis evening wit every intention to go trow up nw after this..
Cant wait. is that weid.. just loving the felling..

I cant remember being happy.. I cant even imagine what normal people think about.

[Jennifer]

I'm the same buddy, i actually smile in between heaves because i love seeing all the shite come up, out of my body

Fcuk your ex off, if he wan't good enough first time round he wont be this time either!

Keep up the good work

Jen x x x

[ashling]

This last few days i have felt so out of control my purging as never ben soo bad.. friday i purged before i went out on a night drinking,(nt a gud idea), then sat spent the whole day eating and purging sunday i did it bout 4 tyms then started running bt my garden trying to burn any cals felling a lil crazy..then tday wehn i cam hme from skul i ate a full meal purged it all had anther binge and purged in the space of and hour..i dnt knw my head fells all over the place bt i knw i have to settle dwn and nt get more dragged into the way i am felling.. have to stay positive to much shit goin on in my life at the mo..

Sometings wrong with my chest and i dnt knw what..
There thursday and friday i gt realy bad chest pains.didnt say much cause on friday i was drinking and i cnt gt rid of this cough.. my chest fells fucked bt i tnk i may knw whast that from so cant say anting to my parents.. just gta deal wit it..

Like usual my life my problems and have to keep them to myslf after this long ya gt use to it..

Aww bt i did find out a lil more aboit this size 0 thing and hw it influences the fashion world.. Found out that in irleand you have to be a size 8 r 10 to model no lower..nt that helps me i cud never eat again bt wit my looks a model it wud nt make me.. he he..

Okay next tym i write in this i promise positavtily..he he ..k..x
Aww by the way jenifier ur soo write.. tabks for the support..xxx


Like usual my life my problems and have to keep them to myslf after this long ya gt use to it..Its our problems that make us stronger people that make us induvudial and unique.. Dont hide from them embrace them..
Its not how many breaths you take in life its how many times life takes ur breath away...

[ashling]

Ok promised in a happy mood today.. not for any reason just pure random..lol.. plus i am talking to a realy old gud friend at the mo..

Got up tis mrn at 11 and had a binge, jambons, ice cream, cake, chicken, coke ,chocolate..lol... then a nice long de stressing purge... feling cgud now... excpt me teeth realy hurt tis week.. aww welll..

I had a very intresting covo wit an ex bullimac.. hs ehad teh same prob as mee she done it for montha and lost nutting.. just but everyting bk on..
Now she is losing 2lb every week bt eating 1500 cals and exercing of 500..
She is geting closer to her goals i ament..life isnt very fair..
Aww bt i supose hse is gettin to miss out on al the fun things like being hungray and bad teeth.. he he

She's got eyes of innocence.
The face of an angel.
A personality of a dreamer.
&& a smile that hides more pain than you can imagine

[ashling]

Has no one told you she not eating
Look into her eyes
Cant you see that’s she’s dying
Screaming in silence
Starving for perfection

Beautiful girl cant you see
How did you get caught in this
Your becoming something not human
Too pure like a stream of white light

Her mind is strong
Keeps going till her body gives up
Let me apologise for the ignorance
For the person who did this to you

Can you really not see the truth
I cant see you anymore
Your disappearing in front of my eyes
Shallow breaths of life get slower

Please hold on, embrace it
Soon there will be no more hiding
No lying, no regrets
Like an angel free at last

A soul so pure
P urged of all sin
Absolute perfection isn’t easy
But she got there in the end

[ashling]

Omg had way to much to drink lats nyt and didnt even gt that drunk..
me and my mate shared 4 liters of wine and sum brandy..lol..
but it was fun we had soo many gud conversations about love and i was soo tempted to tel her bt who i realy fancy bt cudnt plus found out she is in love wit sumun who isnt her bf sumun soo random.. shocked
awww bt it snowed last nyt in the midle of our drinkin session.. soo fun

Today i felt so nt gud all day had soup and bread for lunch and then some prawns wit mushroms and pinealpl.. ohh and i tasted sum of my mates salad today for the frist tym ever.. its fucking gorgeous..

Last nyt i had a masiive fite wit my ex. i am usaully the most passive person never fite ever even if i am in the right bt went mad about him tellin me all sort of shit like he cheated on me before and how beautiful she was and how unique. i idnt care taht he calld her sexy or anyting (which she isnt she is soo ugly and a tramp fucks all her bf,s mates) bt unique she isnt .....that sumin i always have tryed to be myslef..
I actualy was able to tell him that i am over him last nyt and that i deserve to be loved by sumun and i knw that nw.. felt gud. he he

[ashling]

Ok all this week i have been doing between 2- 3 hours with a toning belt. and its amazing.. i defo am still flabby bt maybe a lil bit less..
plus i love the felings its like electricty running tru me and at the start it hurts just a lil bt ya fel great after.. girls invest there like 40 euro r sumin..

I have benn trying to restcirt my purging as much as posilbe i had a few slip ups bt u nw i fell a lil heavier.. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
But on the plus side i have all next week were peole wnt be chcking what i am eating so ca realy focus then..

I relay nedd sum idea od how to tone those ugly under bra bits (ya knw what i mean) ugggggggg

Ok for motavation..
why i wnat to lose wieght..
1) So i can wear my tight black jeans and emo hoddies witout luking like a fat american soccer mum
2)Because being fat shows what lil self control you have it shows greed and lazy you are
3)I strive to be differnet and theres already to many oveweight people in the world
4)I am only 16 the next few years are all about making impressions and going out.. Which helps if ya look good.
5)So fellas can lift me without me felling self concious
6)So when the summer comes i can wear less clothes
7)Because at only 11 i cud starve myslf for days and exercise til i droped.. so whats my excuse now. i dnt have un. its lasyness...
8)Because i knw hw good it wil fell wehn i get there.. and be able to be proud i did it all by myself..