Kit's Journal

[omnifabulous]

I thought I would start a journal to motivate me more. So I guess Ill start with like something.. I have been in the mentality of ana for a long time, pretty much since I became a teenager (12-13 ish) I never really restricted or did much about it before. My highest weight was at 130 when I worked at the mall I ate fast food and candy all the time, then shit happened... drug addiction happened.. I got down to 120 and those thoughts about weight were still in the back of my head like they were the last several years. The beginning of this summer I started restricting hardcore and dropped from 121 to 111ish and then started antidepressants which made me lose all interest in eating. I stopped the antidepressants, went all alcoholic and didnt care at all anymore got back to 120 had problems with hospitals for drugs and shit. Im back on track now with all that but ana is back I dont mind its an easier problem and it makes things easier.

So today is day 2 of effexor it makes me want to eat nothing which is good, but i still had like 600-800 cals the last two days. I weighed myself midday a couple hours after eating and I was at 114 I think thats a good sign. I hope to get to 110 again in the next two weeks and probably a little lower from there.

Right now I really want chips but Im just gonna go to bed I think that will make me happier.

[omnifabulous]

Got horrible sleep last night.. ugh. Havent eaten yet today not like its that great of an accomplishment cause its like only 12:00 but whatev, small steps right? I keep debating wether to stick with my antidepressants or not. ill update later

[omnifabulous]

Well i read this on wiki I posted it on the forum

It is also the primary ingredient found in most "dieter's tea." The combination of acting as a stimulant which reduces a dieter's appetite, and the laxative properties that cause food to move through their system before as many calories can be absorbed is a combination that can lead to rapid and even dangerous weight loss.

Im gonna try it, I did pretty good with food today I had 100 cals in cereal, then I had to eat soup with my mom for lunch (its her bday) I looked it up its a little less than 400, now im having the senna tea and a very small piece of rice krispie thing.. just to get through the tea taste.. so I guess I didnt do that bad at all today.. I think I make up in my head wanting to eat something with actually eating something.. weird.

[omnifabulous]

Yeah so that shit just hurt my stomach alot. but I dont know maybe thats just me or i didnt drink it right, I also have stomach problems anyway soo it could be coincidence, stepped on the scale last night it was 112.5, it was the same this morning but i had clothes on this morning so it was probably a little lower, I might actually get back to my goal weight/low weight. yay! I think i want to start kekwick again soon. etc etc.

[omnifabulous]

So the laxative tea finally worked I guess and I feel alot better now and I weighed myself without my clothes on this time (i had pjs and two sweatshirts) and it was at 110 and I already ate today... I dont want to get too excited and believe it yet though... I guess I will see in a couple days crossing my fingers.

[nickytml]

welcone to the forum!!

congratz on the weight loss hun. u seem to veryyy motivated

i dont think i could try laxative tea.. I have a fear that im goin to be out in public and really have to go LOL or be in an exam.

keep up the great work - lookin fwd to reading ur updates

[omnifabulous]

Yeah I was afraid of that too, Ive never tried laxatives before so I dont know how to compare but I think it helps things move through faster, its not like having the runs, I know thats gross but yea.. And my determination is good today and this week but I def have my weak points.

Managed to have 600 cals yesterday, Im proud Im keeping this up, I think Im finally back to where I was earlier this summer before I was hospitalized (drug related not ana related) that set me back cause how much I weighed no longer was the first things on my mind. Once you get in the habit its easier like you get used to not eating alot.

I weighed myself again this morning and it was at 110 again, feels good to be back I want to get to 106 by xmasI think I can do it. Yesterday was a fiasco Im afraid my fam is gonna intervention me soon (drug related not ana)

Oh yeah one of my friends who knows I have an ED (prolly the first one I told) I told him I was at my first gw and he said i looked good just dont get too skinny and he said he trusts me with ana cause he think s I can handle it and stuff which is good I can talk to a non judgemental person about it.

Ill prolly update later today or tomorrow

[omnifabulous]

So yesterday I had 1400 cals about, I didnt gain which is good Im up to 320 today.. not too bad, I also have a cold so Im not very motivated to eat I actually feel really weak. I also have my bf staying with me for the week while his car is in the shop, I love waking up next to someone I love! I also dont like to eat much around him cause I feel fat. Same with my friends who know or are figuring out I have an ED cause I feel like they will think im a liar if they see me eat.

According to caloriesperhour.com it will take me 18 days to reach my goal of 106, not too bad I just have to work hard to stick to 600 cals a day. Xmas is in 14 days so I should get close maybe Ill fast like two days or something in between or atleast hit my goal by new years.

Last year I was 130 so I will have lost 25 lbs by new years! I will do it!

[nickytml]

110! wow that is sooo good! i weigh like at leasttt 30 more pounds than u ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

600 calories per day is pretty reasonable.. i think u can totallly reach your goal of 106 by new years for sure.. if not even by xmas! that would be awesome

i definetely agree its awesome to wake up to someone you love everyday.. it makes me soo happy when i sleep next to the boy.

i feel so much sexier when i havent eaten all day - none of that big fat belly sticking out.

[omnifabulous]

Yeah I def feel sexier and better about myself when I havent eaten.

Today was good, Im still at 110 (i dont know why i thought it might have changed since this morning) but hopefully ive lost and will see it on the scale tomorrow. Yesterday I ate one slice of pizza (no cheese), a 100 cals worth of ceral and like an energy drink or two. I also drank though but I dont think I went over 600 cals if that.

Today all I had was a larger redbull (under 200 cals I believe) and less then 100 cals in ceral and some krystal lite. Thats only about 300 cals today and its already 10 pm! I feel like I am finally under control with my eating again I love it. I might actually get under my lowest weight ever (what im at 110 right now). I want to start exercising and toning up but I think I will wait till im not sick.

OH GOOD NEWS!

I just need to keep restricting till monday cause my mom is a total hippie and she has done the master cleanse and loved it and she does it only for the health reasons and she doesnt know im ana and I also recently went vegan to "be more heatlhy". But yesterday I was reading about that pussy cat doll and it said she was doing the cleanse and I said to my mom. "I wanna look like a pussy cat doll!" and she suggested we do the cleanse together! So I have support from my mom basicly to fast for 5 days ( I know its spose to be 10 but she wants us to finish before xmas and the weekend and stuff. Ill have to lose atleast 2 lbs and hoping the scale says 109 tomorrow so I will hopefull be at 107 by next weekend!ght reach my goal before xmas!!! Im so excited!

But like I said I still need to tone up but Im so close!

Anyway Im really dizzy I dont know if its from restricting or drugs but Im in good spirits anyway. Ill prolly update tomorrow morning or something. Peace <3

Skinny vibes everyone!

Survey stolen from SailorV

SURVEY

*General*

Age: 19

Height?: 5'8

Weight?: 110

What weight do you want to weigh?: Right now 106, after that who knows.

What eating disorder do you have?: I believe I fit the criteria for Ana.

*In Depth*
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: 600, 1000 - 1400 on bad days, nothing - 400 on good days (like today)

Do you throw up your food on occasion?: I've tried but never really worked.

Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Yeah, but thinner. I think most of the Victoria Secret models arent that thin, just fit and average weight.

Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: I wish, and if I was it would be badminton lol.

Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: Not really, only about being too thin or anorerxic, although one of the things that pushed me into ana was my step mom telling my siblings I was getting fat.

Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?:I try I usually get to about 36 hours, and next week is my 5 day master cleanse fast!

Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: Gonna start taking laxative tea.

Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: Yes

Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: Not yet.

Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: I thought about it but I have enough stomach problems and thats the worst kind of pain for me, not worth it at all.

Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: I have wanted to but never tried. I was recovered for about 2 or 3 months unintentially cause alot of shit went down and I gained back 10 lbs.

*Body Image Q's*
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: Yes, even though I shouldnt I cannot not see myself as fat or atleast chubby. I do not see thin when I look in the mirror.

What part of your body would you change?: Stomach fo sho'.

On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how happy are you with your body?: I dont know.. I like my hair and my eyes. I think it depends on the day.

Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: No, but it does overpower my thoughts and feels like it sometimes.

Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: Very much so.

Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: Yeah in the way that I keep staring at them to try to figure out how I can be a lower BMI then them and still look much heavier, and they say the camera adds ten lbs too!
.
*Health/Food*
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: I really try I have been vegi for the last 2 months, and vegan for over a week. I need to incorporate more raw foods though.

Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: No, calories is calories to me.

Fat grams?: Not really, I dont think I eat hardly any food with fat by chance anyway.

Calories?: Yes, every calorie matters to me, even if its only like 100 or 50, it adds up and I know it.

Are you often tired/fatigued?: Yeah esp since turning vegi.

Do you feel more energized after eating food?: No I just feel depressed and maybe not as nauseous (I get nauseous when I dont eat)

Do you eat meat?: No, I'm vegetarian

Do you eat your food in a certain way? Yes. I eat square or circle foods from the outside in like in a spiral, anything I eat with forks or knives (or really anything but circles, squares, or cereal) in tiny little pieces and I can no longer eat without taking several sips of water in between each bite.

What's your favorite food to eat?: Nothing tastes as good as being thin.

Favorite drink?: Krystal lite, or spring water. I also drink alot of energy drinks lately : ( too many cals!

Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: Sick, but thats cause I either am or I havent slept in over 24 hours or more.

Have you ever thrown up blood?: No, cant throw up

Is your heart bpm above 49?: 102 I think, a little high said my Dr. I think its cause it was cold outside right before I walked in.

Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: No, but I feel very dizzy right now...

*Other Stuff*
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: No, I think it can motivate you more. Friends, relatives or siblings are probably the ones who can trigger it the easiest cause they are spose to love you no matter what and not say insensitive things. I mean if your family thinks your fat what about the people who don't know you/love you?

What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: I don't think "Pro-ana" is a good word for it, at least with the people here. We arent pro-anorexia are just held hostage by her, scared to recover or gain weight. Im sure if any of us could choose not to have it and just eat whatever and not care at all we would.

Do you have any other mental disorders? Depression, ADD, anxiety, and apparently maybe bipolar and or schizophrenia.

Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Yeah I wish I didnt care and could eat whatever like when I was in high school. I mean its been in the back of my head for years and people making little harmless comments like "oh you have a belly" or joking around and saying Im getting fat (my guy friends thinking they were being funny, although now they freak out about my weightloss.) But at the same time with my other mental disorders Ana makes it easier to kind of push them back, it simplifies my complex and chaotic into one problem: Losing weight. And when I lose I feel good and when I gain I get depressed. It helps and harms me and Im not ready to give it up yet.

[nickytml]

so what is exactly the master cleanse? i'd like to try it out one time

i read your survey veryy interesting.. thought about doing it but maybe when i am done exams lol

[omnifabulous]

its that lemonade diet i think there have been threads about it or you can look it up online.

So being sick saved my ass. Yesterday i got up, ate 200 - 300 cals worth in cereal, 100 in OJ, and 300 in some gross quesidilla i made so like 700 cals maybe and then I went to bed at like 4 pm and didnt get up untill like an hour ago (11 am) and today I have had 300 cals. Yay. i want to weigh myself but I dont feel well enough to get up, and I feel so lethargic from being sick that I feel like it wont be accurate. I guess if Im better tomorrow I will update more.

[omnifabulous]

My stomach was feeling bad and I just went to the bathroom (it was gross) but!!!! I weighed myself and it was at 108!! Thats the lowest I have been in at least 5 years! Im so effin happy!!! Im so close to my next goal weight!!

[nickytml]

gotta love being sick sometimes - not for the veryy yucky crappy feeling! but for the lack of eating.. and the extra waste going out LOL

Congratulations darlin!!! 108 is amazinggg I am sooo proud of u

[omnifabulous]

I keep weighing myself to make sure it doesnt change. I feel crazy, and thank you for the support nickytml! It makes me so happy to see someone commenting on my journal I love it!

I thought I would post some pics since im below my first goal weight I still dont feel thin enough though.











I added a pic of my cat cause he is too cute, and I look like such a dork.