Never Stop Fighting

[paradox]

No binging today, but I'm so tired, I can barely stay focused on what I'm doing. On the upside, my constant insomnia is being driven away by the need to just collapse into bed at the end of the day. I'm too tired to even think about food (tho' I still dream about it, damn it!). I was so upset today b/c I went to McD's so I could have the 5 oz Fruit and Yogurt, which I allow myself, and they didn't have the small size, just the large. So, what did I do? The thought of having to decide whether I could have the large size and just deal with the extra calories, or just eat half of it was too much! I literally couldn't do it. And they were even going to give me the large for the price of the small. I just turned it down and had a Diet Coke instead. Fucking pathetic.

Another snarky comment came my way yesterday, too, to put me in a bad mood. "You look like a heroin addict. " I guess that was implying I look unhealthy? It just made me angry. Honestly, do those kind of comments benefit anyone? Say something nice or don't say it at all, loser! (and it was a "friend" who said it. Some friend.)

Hi, Miss fire

No offense taken to your questions, no worries.

How often I binge and purge varies with the amount of stress I feel, and once I get started on a bad cycle, it always seems to take a while to get back under control . At my worst, which was up to about a year ago now, I was purging up to 10 times a day. But that was when I both binging essentially non-stop during my waking hours as well as still occasionally eating more "normal" meals and starting to purge those as well. Now, it's really all or nothing. I totally restrict, or I binge hellaciously and then do everything in my power to purge it all out. I had a small binge on Sunday, but that was the only one in the last week. I know I don't get all the calories out- I think that's why I don't lose weight like I'd like to. I tend to more or less "maintain" and slowly drop the pounds. If I wouldn't binge on such garbage, high-calorie food, I'd be better off, too. What was it on Sunday? Peanuts, cashew butter, Club crackers, two bagels, a veggie pot pie.... Bleccchh!

Myy ticker doesn't change often b/c I only have the guts to step on the scale about every month or two. Which is ironic b/c I'm so obsessed with my weight, but I can't bear to know what it is minute by minute, either. I think this fear came out of being mia and knowing I often retain a ton of water and feel like a little puff ball; I'm sure you can relate. But whenever I step back on the scale, at least it's moving in the right direction, tho' much slower than I'd like. I judge day to day how I'm doing by how much more loosely clothes fit, and how much my bones are protruding. Sad but true.

How often are you still b/p? Do you have health issues related to it?

It's always good to know someone is reading these entries and getting something from them, good or bad. Those of us with eating disorders often live in such a lonely world. Hugs to you

[paradox]

No energy. Zero. I swear, I feel like I've completed a marathon by the end of the day with nothing to show for it. Is it dehydration? Lack of nutrition? My heart (the bradycardia and atrial premature contractions are pretty bad again)? All three?

I swear, I feel like I've completed a marathon by the end of the day with nothing to show for it.

On the plus side, I haven't binged since Sunday. Today I had a small apple in the morning (80 cal) and just finished Tofu Ranchero Salad (220 cal based on the label) = 300. So nothing else for today. But I'm weirdly craving pancakes, of all things. With blueberry syrup. Good thing there's nothing to eat in the house, and I'm really too tired to go drive around to buy food to binge on, and I'm too tired to purge. Honestly. Since binging and not purging is never an option for me, I really can't do anything else other than not eat for the rest of the day. I'll need coffee by the gallons to get me thru work, tho.

When will all of this just go away?



People who care about me say they just want to see me happy again. But was I ever happy? I think I hid my problems a lot better before the eating disorder got out of control, but the roots have been present as long as I can remember. All that aside, I'm certainly not happy now. I'm proud that I weigh less, that I've successfully lost forty some pounds from when I was at my heaviest, but all that is is a number. The evidence of wearing much smaller clothes is hard to refute, but I think I still look exatly the same as I did then, albeit with a really worn-out look and hair that's in pretty bad shape.

Life has not changed at all for the better since I spiraled out of control. I'm more paranoid, self-critical and disgusted with myself than ever before. I can't even imagine my ultimate goal weight.... zero??? Yes, to totally disappear. That sounds preferable to the life I'm living now.



Sorry for the downer mood I'm in, everybody. Just had to vent.

[Miss Fire]

Please get professional help sweetheart! Are you on anti depressants? Life is not meant to be this hard!! It's time to try something new to make you feel happy.

[vicki]

Sweetie~

I understand completely... I don't know that I've ever been "happy" either. What is happy suppose to mean anyway? Is it contentment? Nope, don't feel that. Is it satisfaction? Nope don't feel that. Is it successful? Nope don't feel that. Maybe it all boils down to loving ourselves so that we know how to accept love from other ppl.... and nope, don't feel that either.

I guess this doesn't make you feel any better, but just know I understand and you are not alone in this thinking. Ok? I am always here and I understand more than you think I do.

I'll tell everyone a secret that read your journal as I won't post it in mine... I've lost 135 pounds since last October.... am I happy? Nope. Do I feel successful? nope or content? nope. satisfied... definitely no. I don't ever think I'll be happy until I, too, disappear.

So if it is any consolation, I DO COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!!! And yes, all I still see is all that fat I've already lost. You'd think I'd be "happy" but all I seem to be is more miserable.

Hang in there and know that you are NEVER alone... I am always always here.......... weight wise we are far different but the feelings behind it all are the same. (so I hope you don't judge me based on the #'s I shared and that goes for anyone else reading this)

Much much much love, understanding, and unconditional friendship~

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

~Vicky xxx

[DollyAna]

Awh Sweetheart, i wish there was something i could do or say to make you feel happier.
If i were your weight right now i'd be so proud, though not of course if it had made me physically & emotionally ill.
I know you wont do this but i wish you'd seek some help.The thing that worries me most is the damage to your heart, that's scary & you're far too nice a person for anything bad to happen to....

[paradox]

First off, Vicki, congratulations on that amazing weight loss! (and Dolly, really, you don't want to weigh what I weigh. It will not make you happy. I see that now). It saddens me on one level to know that you all understand my feelings about my weight loss, and how I'm in worse shape than ever before, b/c I wouldn't wish that kind of despair on my worst enemies.

I think one of the most insidious things about eating disorders that become severe, despite your weight, despite the type of destructive eating behavior you engage in (ana, mia, COE, EDNOS, whatever) is the fact that things look more and more bleak the further into them you travel. I'm not going to lie. I honestly thought when I started losing a significant amount of weight that there was a point when I would magically be much more satisfied with my life, and would feel liberated and thin and able to wear cute form-fitting outfits and all that stuff.

The reality is, as anyone on the outside could have predicted ,nothing changed. I mean, I don't like myself, I'm not happy with my life. I thought I could control those negative feelings by controlling my weight, but it becomes harder and harder to even pretend I'm in control. I mean, I need to get real with myself. Restricting religiously only to binge on an entire weeks worth of calories in one sitting and flush it all away, is that control in any way shape or form?

Yet I still want to feel thin more badly than anything else. As I said before, I care about little else anymore. Caring takes energy and I don't have any to spare.



Dolly and Miss Fire, I know you are right. I do need to get help. That thought terrifies me. I keep wishing there was a way I could just stop the binging, and then continue with just pure ana. Which I know is impossible, and is not truly getting help, and is a cop-out, and won't help me with the health problems I already have. But that's where I stand at the moment. One of these days I will have to get myself checked in somewhere. But pathetically, I'm afraid they will also think I'm not a "good enough" anorexic or bulimic, so why am I seeking treatment? Can you believe that? I'm afraid I'll be judged on being not thin enough to warrant help. And that fear just paralyzes me.

Yesterday, I felt like such a huge whale after eating the 300 calories I allotted myself that I thought, maybe I can start whittling it down to 250. Where does it ever stop?



I hope you are all doing a little bit better today than I am, my friends. Your support means so much to me.

[DollyAna]

True proffessionals would NEVER judge you.They're there to try to help you, not make biased judgments or assumptions.
I realise how terrifying the thought of getting help is for you but petal you sound so sad, lonely & isolated, least to mention the physical damage your ED has already caused.
It saddens me greatly knowing that you're on this path of terrible desrtruction...

[paradox]

I hope you're right, Dolly. I know it's a stupid thing to be worried about, but doesn't it always come down to the same thing, of not feeling good enough? Not even good enough at starving. Under 300 calories for today, tho'. And cleaned my apartment top to bottom in this million degree heat out here, so I think I burned some calories there as well. Hopefully.

It's Labor Day weekend, so after tonite, I have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off (the Tuesday is a bonus day b/c Monday is a paid holiday at work, so those of us who don't normally work on Mondays get another day off as compensation). My plan is to go to ground over the weekend and really think things out. Try to wrap my head around what's happening to me. I may/may not have computer access, so I may not post until Tuesday or Wednesday, but I will be thinking of you all.

I hate all holidays equally. Probably b/c they so often revolve around food. Fucking food. Hate it. Since I'm a vegetarian, at least the barbequed hotdogs and burgers don't tempt me. I guess if I got in a bind, I could have a half an ear of corn roasted on the grill, and a tiny bit of watermelon? Thinking about greasy potato salad and chips and coleslaw is making me queasy already. Just the kind of food to trigger a full-on binge. And desserts. Don't get me started.

I seriously don't think I can continue as I am much longer.

[DollyAna]

I hope you enjoy some of the holiday.Also i hope you can manage to do some deep soul searching & perhaps maybe just at least look into getting some help.
Take care my friend....

[paradox]

As per usual, all my good intentions went down the toilet. Literally.

The Labor Day weekend should have been okay. There was a power outage in much of Southern Cali, so I ended up going to Santa Barbara with my sister, brother-in-law, and their dogs, to stay at a dog-friendly hotel right off the beach where it was cooler. Sounded like the perfect place to reflect. Dead wrong.

I immediately caught the stress vibe from my sister, who was worried about the dogs overheating. So I was on edge and wanting to binge. Impossible in their car. Impossible in general around them, as just the week before my sister had said "this is my house, and I bought this food, and you better respect me enough not to do something like that [purge] in my house." Ouch. I know she was trying to get me to see the consequences of what I was doing. Nevertheless.

Then I saw the room service menu and the in-room fridge stocked with crap food like jelly beans and M & Ms and Pringles, and I lost it. Completely.

I have now been on a thee day in a row binge-purge-purge-purge-purge-abuse diurectics and laxatives marathon. I feel so sick I'm amazed I'm sitting here writing this, pretending all is good.

I hate myself so much that I want to smash every mirror in my house b/c I can't stand the sight of myself. I was so angry at myself that I took a lipstick out and wrote across my mirror "eat and die, you fat pig"

I'm so out of control that I've really given up all hope.

[sxydaniella]

hnny you should go see a doctor.
yu sound like you have depression and is better to see someon and tell them otherwise it will get worse and things will get really bad hunny.
go see someone.

[paradox]

Yes, sxydaniella, I'm afraid I can't deny that I'm depressed on top of everything else. Life is such a fucking burden.
What's the point of totally letting food control my life, when I hate myself regardless?



Food is everywhere. It's not like I can block out the thoughts/images of food that I see everywhere I go. Our whole culture revolves around food, or hanging out with friends in the presence of food. I've had to remove myself from all that, and yet it continues to creep in.

Take today, for instance. I just went to renew the lease on my apartment, so I stopped by the front office. I was feeling okay about myself as I had stuck to my 300 calorie "safe" amount today (less, actually). And what was there in the breezeway by the pool and front office? A snack machine. An instrument of torture, as far as I'm concerned. Tons of horrible for you snacks all in one place.

One part of me actually thought "now you can just come here and get food for a binge late at night." The other part of me of course was thinking, "stupid bitch, you aren't going to binge anymore. Don't even think like that."

But I did think it. I didn't give in. But I thought it.

[paradox]

Today has absolutely sucked. Yes, of course I binged again, and now I feel like hammered dog shit. Bloated and huge and unworthy and sickening. I had to put on this huge sweater because I couldn't stand the sight of myself.

What did I binge on? In retrospect, it wasn't worth it at all. Crap. Total crap. Candy corn. Sesame almonds. Rye bread with honey. Tater tots. I could just puke again thinking about it, but I've already purged so much that my throat is raw and I feel so dehydrated that I can barely swallow.

I looked up another eating disorder clinic on line, and then completely freaked out when I read a part about "safe and healthy weight gain." I can't gain weight. I'm serious, if I do, I'd just hurl myself off a roof. I can not (or refuse to) wrap my head around gaining weight being equal to being healthy. Gaining weight= fat, therefore losing weight = good. That's still how I'm seeing it.

"I don't fit into the scheme of things!
These years as an outcast are wearing thin
My carefree days are a thing of the past...
....I've never been so tired, so cold...

Yet again, I have no answers
the confusion of my fate takes its toll
Symbolically speaking, what's another life
that lists "ending itself" as its one and only goal?"

Dark Angel, "The Promise of Agony"

[DollyAna]

Weightloss isn't good if you're doing it the unhealthy way, but you already know that.I can only gently remind you of this.
You need to change this mind set & the only way you may be able to do that is by accepting proffessional assistance...

[paradox]

God, yuck! I feel like a gigantic blob today.

All I've had today is some frozen grapes, and it's only a few hours until I leave for work again. I've been doing what I can to inspire myself, including re-reading some of my favorite ana books. I actually liked the fiction book "Hunger Point" for its story as well as the ana part of it. In particular the quote that the sister of Shelly (the anorexic in the book), finds in her journal. I think it's as good a description of what we're all looking for as any I've found. I wish I'd thought of saying it in such a clever way;

"There's this place deep inside myself that I'm trying to reach. A calm, quiet place where I don't exist as a girl with a body that grows too big. A place where I can finally sleep. I'm trying to reach that place, every day I try, and I know there will be a point where I'll be able to slip through. I know the point. I've almost been there, the point when I'm so hungry, I can't feel it, the point of numbness, of suspension, the window of time when it's okay to say yes, to let go, to fly. That's the point I work toward, my own personal hunger point; a point when I feel everything and nothing at all. When all it takes is one more step and I'll be safe."
(from Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff)

Doesn't that just make you fucking want to curl up in a fetal position and bawl your eyes out? Normally I don't like fictional accounts of ana or mia as much as the true stories, even if there's a lot of realism to them. But that description just kills me. Will I ever find my hunger point?