uggg me

[Silk]

I can't stand on scales so still do not know what I weight!! ( I tried to put my left foot down today, couldn't for long enough)Grr

Have discovered how sore crutches are my right hip is killing me, hands are sore (Can use my right wrist now- yeahh!)

One of my younger sisters was talking to my friend about what I eat, again. My sister also has issues with food I think. Finding it difficult to control her eating and has a tendency to binge. My friend came out with the statement to her, 'Just eat when you are hungry'
This is a completely foreign concept to me and my sister
To be honest maybe I should'nt be on this website I have issues with food and my body. But these issues don't naturally come hand in hand. I don't know what I am trying to say.
It was strange for me to imagine my friend sees food only as a means to no longer feeling hunger, whereas to me it is much more. I don't mind hunger, physical want is not why I eat.

For years (once i had more say over my eating) I would have simly enjoyed eating (disgusting). Maybe it was because when I ate nice food, it was like I had won the challenge ( in childhood when manged to steal my parents snack food).

Now at lunch time, breakfast or dinner those are my strong points of the day where I say no to food. I think this might have been (maybe I am self-analysing to much) well I grew up in a weird household, every mealtime was a battle not to eat raw eggs -usual breakfast, cabbage& bacon-usual dinner/lunch. (My parents were obsessed with feeding us those)

Can anyone see any logic or identiy with the rubbish i have jsut rambled.

I suppose to sum up what I have said
Removing hunger with food-bad
Greedy junk food-good
I try to fight against my natural mindset, well the last part.

At this point at 18, my general plan for the day is to eat two pieces of fruit to keep the eyes at bay (and cause I lkie the taste) but I always slip-up at least once- about by 100-200kcal (not when hunger actually normally after I have filled my self with water and calorie free drinks).

That of course would all be fine but then I DRINK.
Stupid stupid alchol. Stupid me.

[Silk]

OH MY
My foot started to get better, ( I could walk with only one crutch) then I Fell and broke my leg. It's actually in a proper plaster cast and all. Aghhh. As my left foot got better I had more mobility still bloonmin difficult to eat what I wanted to eat. Now I have actually broken my right leg, bye-bye summer or freedom. So today I ate a plateful of pasta and a whole piece of chicken, which actually sadly I am quite pleased with that.

[kells]

awwww hun not having a good time of it. I know what you mean about the dreaded DRINK because i am the same i can easy get throu half a bottle of vodka a night i can mostly ristric food most of the time. I know what you mean about thinking you shouldnt be on this site i got diagnosed with ana in December i was off work untill April now the weight i have put on is all because of drink but i cant help my self i use it to block out all the pain i feel inside ( is that an excuse! ) but then i am making it worse cause the cals in drink make you put weight on so, when am restircting food and not drink its a waste of time.

hope this makes sense

kells xxx

[Silk]

Thanks Kells for posting- so appreciated. I can relate to what you said. I just want to do anything to distract myself from being myself, being in pain.
Actually yesterday I didn't drink anything, I noticed it, but it didn't actually have to make a concious effort to avoid. Go me.
Today I ate one slice of toast, diet coke, zero coke,4.5 litres of water and half a bottle of vodka. Don't no wither to be happy or not with that. Unhappy
The kids got two kittens today

Gosh I want to lose weight, I have to lose.Why do not, why am I so pathetic. I read a quote yesterday, being thin has to be difficult otherwise everyone would be. I need to get my a** into gear. I'm scared of going to uni fat,fat,fat.

[Silk]

I fell doomed
To be honest I have just lost my motivation. I have just weakened. I don't no why. I'm peeved at myself today I ate an a cocoa smoothie when I didn't need to, no one was around I didn't crave the food. I just did. I feel like crying, but I don't want to be that pathetic.

I should be motivated, I have all the opportunity to lose weight, after finishing school.
I guess its just the past few weeks I haven't ate much, been physically active (despite the broken foot) but of course I have been drinking. I just don't want to have to stop that habit, greedy greddy me. I suppose it is an easy solution, don't drink lose weight.

Today I had low calorie white wine, pine colade liquor, couple drinks vodka, 2 gin ,1 whiskey-eughh oh and rose tequila. Oh gosh sounds quite alot considering it was just a normal day and night in and never got drunk. Oh well I'll be good tomorrow. The boss will be about work tomorrow so extra motivation.

Sorry to be negative, but do you no what is annoying me, some of my friends just making no effort to stay in contact with me since we finished our exams.Just kinda feel hurt, abandoned and a rather lonely- yeah I'm pathetic.

[Silk]

Ok I weighted myself and I was 112lb couple about 30minutes later I weighted myself and the scales told me
I was 113lb, I hadn't drunk anything, infact I had gone to the toilet. Is that not impossible that I put on weight with out anything more going into my body.

Anyway I've had the flu the past five days, haven't consumed any alchol, or ate anything. I was soo hoping I had lost weight, like when your sick you normally do. But i shouldn't have to high expectations.

Last week I fitted into my friends trousers yeah. She's 5ft 5 and got a pretty hot figure. Also last week I had a flatish tummy (it's not as flat any more anyway) I wore jeans which are usually tight with a white vest top and a short pink cardigan. I was also fake-tanned at the time so didn't feel too bad.

The kids have been away since saturday morning coming home this evening it has gone so fast, wish I had a few more days to myself. This is the first time I've been on the internet in ages as I've been in bed mostly. I suppose I haven't been burning enough calories.

Its annoying my tummy is all pugy today, compared to other days. I don't understand.
My arms are currently horrendous, I've been neglecting exercise(so bad I am only harming myself)

[Silk]

Oh I forgot to mention my B.M.I. is currently good. Well good for me 17!!!
Although sometimes I'm sceptical if the internet works it out too low.

[Silk]

I've been bad, bye bye slim tummy, the scary thing is the scales say Im 112lb so im just waiting for the 789cal I ate yesterday on top of the 560 calories the night before to catch up. I know it will just take a day before the numbers increase. I know I am whining, just scared.

Aww actually annoyed I got my TOM (sorry for information overload) just I was hoping I wouldn't. I've always seen it as a sight of successful thinness.

Ok I will be positive has anyone seen the video for the Editors, Smoking outside the Hospital, wow the girl in it is amasing. She actually runs on water in the video and she is soo skinny it is believable.

Another thinspiration is the girl in Hollyoaks, well actually there are two actresses I am impressed by. The model, Hannah's friend looks like she has reached perfection, I don't think she could be any skinny if she tryed unless she lost muscle.
Can't remember the other name of the character I'm thinking bout.

Ooh weightwatchers soup is very low in calories, had half a tin of it today quite nice

Actually I know an obese person who is going on a plan soon, every week she will be given all her food, complete calories in a days food is 574. Pretty low. Ok sorry I am really boring.

Oh I think I am the same height as mischa Barton like her I have big hips, small upper body, a tendency to have big arms, and a flat ass.

Anyway tomorrow evening I will be away from the house so that should make things a little easier, if I don't drink much allthough it will be a saturday night.

Today I ate 2 carrots
1 apple
1 slice of granary bread
6 vodkas
half a cup of rice
a bit of cookie- I no

To eat tomorrow 2 carrots for lunch
To drink tomorrow diet coke and 9vodkas

Totally do-able!

[Silk]

Sugar, sugar, sugar. Im not going to leave the country to go to university instead I've been offered a place in northern Ireland to do my course.

Ooh my plans are so screwed, I'll be coming home every weekend its going to make it difficult to lose weight. Sugar! Cause like I had planned on being out out the country my suspicious family won't be able to freak out if I lose some pounds. Aghh

[Silk]

Oh my boo (Yes I am dramatic) I got down to 110lb it was amsing, anyway. Bascically now I'm not that weight, can't even weight myself I am so guessing I am over 115- uggh- I'm sickening

See there was bit of a family emergency (seems to be one every week) so I had to relocate myself away, from my home,my kitchen, people watching, people forcing me to eat. My wider extended family-aghh

I was in a bad mood I wrote mean stuff now deleted

Ok I'll stop being horrible, on another thought, this too seems really bad to say. Ok question - can anyone tell me there attitude towards forgiveness.
For the large part I don't like holding people responsible for things they've done in the past - we'e all done silly things in the past. My aunt once told me forgive, but don't forget. i.e. learn from being hurt

ok I'll continue this post later

[Silk]

Sorry I gaot called away.

Continuing my point. My idea of forgiveness is now being challenged. Its difficult to talk about but basically, someone who hurt me in ways I can not describe is now dying and I don't no how I'm meant to feel. I don't no if I can ever forgive the man- Gawd I must seem like such a b***, but as much as I try I can't fully forgive what happened. I

[Silk]

OK I apolgise for being so horrible, self-pitying earlier. I suppose I'm just confused.


Ok. Going to write a list of new thinspirations (other than Nicole Ritchie, Angelina, Oslens)

1) in the song by the Editors, smoking outside the hospital door, the starring girl in the video. (Anyone suspect she's meant to be ana-running on water)

Oh I had a list of five but have forgot the other four, silly me. Will add them later.

[Silk]

Still have not weighted myself- Aghh so fat.

Got to stop drinking so calorific, but like, it takes the edge off everything

Ok list of digusting things

1)Slugs
2)Scalps
3)Smells
4) overflowing fat
5) Cellulite

ok going to keep working on that list

[Silk]

Just added this to forum, so thought I'd describe myself here as well

Well skin wise (like a typical Irish girl) I am a pale as a ghost, my skin is literally white. If I use St. Tropez two days in a row my skin achieves a normal colour. Woho! (Normally I'm too lazy, and bad at it to bother, so I use moistuer with a hint of tan occasionally -still the palest girl in school)

I'm not naturally a redhead, my hair is a dark (greyey) brown but I dye it. Normally red brown, although it has been a range of colours in the last four years

Eyes wise, no particular colour bluey- green. My eyes I've been told are not too small.Just normal.

My nose has a bump in it-genetic, its quite small.

I have slightly big lips-plump

To me the most prodomaniant feature of my face is my jawline, a little too square for my liking

Ooh when I'm skinny I have good cheekbones

I use to absolutely hate my face, now I only dislike it, its not to bad, when I'm in the right mood. Sometimes I'm confused apparently I'm striking looking, I have done a little modelling, I have had compliments and attention from guys, compliments from friends but then I look in the mirror- realise its all bull****. On the bright side at least people are trying to be nice when lying to me

Sorry this is sooo long and vain

Body wise I have legs like Mischa Barton shapewise (not to be mean to her, lol)
but they're short for my height, my ankles are fat, my calves wrong shape, postion. On the plus side my legs are skinnier than hers. I no, self-compliment. My legs are scrany- I like that makes my look skinny. So even though my calves are ugly at least they're small and my thighs make sporty girls bad, hehe he

[Silk]

ON saturday there was a lots of people from my year got together, I was invited yea!! After going to the for a few drinks- I drunk diet coke , few vodkas, not bad, I discovered the group of us were booked in for a meal, at the ajoining restaurant, which people had convientielty forgotten to tell me about. I couldn't make an excuse to go, as I had arranged to get home with people, couldn't say I was full or had a dodgy stomach. Anyway point of my story - after ordering a portion of boiled rice. Someone said to me 'I have never seen you eat at school, in the past year''

I was soo proud of myself, smile. I was a diet/zero coke, pro-plus, little bit of vodka girl. Nutrtitional.

Oh sorry for my continous awful spelling