[[Make me perfect...]]

[DancerInTheMaking]

This is a hard decision to make, but I've decided after a lot of thought that recovery is not for me. Maybe later, when I actually am unwell or underweight, but not at 48kg. I don't care any more what my parents say, what my doctors say, or what my friends say. I just want to be thin. Starting from now. I've done it before, I can do it again. In the past year I've lost from 59 to 48 kg without seriuosly restricting. I can do this. This time no one can stop me, no matter what they say.
Tomorrow will be a new day. Tonight I know I'm going to exercise and do what I used to. 1 hour of pilates crunches, 100 curled leg raises, 200 arm raises, 500 squats, 1000 side leg raises. Tomorrow it;s restricting all the way. I WILL do this.
So stats now -
Height 5"3
HW 63kg
CW 48kg
1GW 45kg
2GW (maybe UGW?) 40kg
So check in on me now and again? Any messages of support or anything would be appreciated.
xxx

[Fire]

I know anything is possible if the desire is there, and you definitely seem like you know what you want: to be thin. Good luck and remember that you have control over your body, it doesn't have control over you.

[DancerInTheMaking]

thanks so much huni *hugs* to you XD
Today has been one of the happiest days in a long long time.
Unfortunately cos I live with my folks I have to be real careful but today am on track to keep it down to 1200 kcals... which is a start. But I've already been getting back into my old exercise patterns which is really exciting... But .. problem already.. on sunday some family of mine is coming down and I KNOW that we will have a fat curry meal.... and I've already got them cooking different versions for me (like without yoghurt or stuff like that so it will just be a plain lamb curry for me) but now I'm seriuosly restricting again I'm really dreading going down. Saturday I'll be able to fast cos I'm out all day, and I'm gonna hit the gym with a vengeance the next few days and keep my diet at 1200 max, preferably getting down to 1000 by the end of the week.
Should work ye? But any tips for dealing with big family meals?
xxx

[energizer]

I'm sure one family meal won't hurt you with the way you've got things planned. Especially if that's all you eat that day. Tips? Load up your plate with healthy stuff like veggies, if they have any, stay away from breads, and starches (like potatoes). Then take a small portion of the lamb curry and just don't finish it all. Eat a little of it then but eat loads of healthy veggies (if you can) and say you're stuffeed and can't finish the lamb. That's the best game plan I can think of.

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks hun XD I'm sure I'll get round it all somehow... I guess all is going really well so XD for that... but I've been getting really bad chest pains today... probably nothing but it was REALLY painful! But yes. just under 1200 today so it's all going to plan! Just thought I'd check in and say hi!!! If anyone has any ideas what these chest pains could be.. gimme a shout! Probably just stress.
Anyhoo hope you are all doing fabulously
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Life is so unfair. Everywhere I go I see beautiful, skinny, happy people. And I want to be one of them so badly. But I'm such a failure.... even the one thing I used to be able to do I can't any more. I've had everything taken away from me and I just want to die. Now all I have is this wish to be thin. It's all I have in the world and thats so sad. I just want to be happy...
Had an awful day today as you might be able to tell... Was just really down then ended up binging and I'm just trying to fight against wanting to purge cos the last thing I want is to get back into my mia days. I just want to leave all this behind. I would normally fast tomorrow... but I'm going down to see family which I can't get out of, and I know I'll have to eat. It's killing me... I feel so fat and so worthless. I know I'm not going to sleep tonight and that I'll exercise all night because maybe then I won't gain majorly but I've already failed. Again. Exam results come out next week and I know I haven't done well. I just am so fed up of failing.
I know that ana will always be here for me, and that maybe, with a couple of glitches, this is something I can succeed at. This is how I'm going to take back control over my life and all the rubbish I've had to deal with over the past few years. Maybe one day I'll be one of those happy, thin and succesful girls.
So any support from you guys would be fab. You may wonder why I'm not putting weight updates in... well my scales have been thrown away. Yah. I told you life sucks. It's driving me crazy. But as soon as I find a scale I shall update you guys.
Sorry about the rambling.
All you guys will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight. That you may get everything and anything you wish for.
Strength to you,
xxx

[dietsodasalvation]

Huni!! Things will work themselves out!! Keep trying... trying like mad...YOU CAN DO THIS, these last few days will be hard but you can be SO good after they pass and you WILL be one of those skinny girls SOON!! As long as you keep your eye on the prize... Good luck to you...We all know you can do it

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks so much hun... ur support means the world to me... strength to you XD
Today has been pretty amazing actually!!! Got word through about an amazing event in November which gives me something to work towards, spent the afternoon at friends, and did my first day at 1000!!!!!!!
So a good day all-in-all.
The only downside is that although I had a plan at which I would stay on or around 1000 kcals I already feel like its too much. But I don't want to give the game away again you know? But I'll get through it.
You might be able to tell I'm in a very positive frame of mind today.
And tomorrow is going to be good as well. Going to (hopefully) go out all afternoon and therefore... should be an 800 day tomorrow!!! Cos I'm watched like a hawk at breakfast and dinner... so dinner pportions are getting smaller and so is breakfast, but lunch is just out of the window when I can get away with it.
XD
Everything is going to come good. I feel so much better now I have this control back in my life, and although it's not particularly pleasant or fun, all this ana stuff, it's makin me feel better every day.
So yay.
Love you alll...
pray for me tonight? Because I'm sure it's your prayers that have given me the strength to come this far,.... so thank you and I shall pray for all of you guys out there tonight.
Love
xxx

[dietsodasalvation]

AWW so positive thats the spirit! i hope all goes well and ill keep you in my thoughts!!! *prayers not my thing* screw lunch and fill up on veggies at din time you know the drill good luck!!

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thank you so much!!!
Hope you're doing amazingly well XD
I shall drop in properly to update later but just wanted to say thanks!!!
xxx

[AlicetheCamel]

Hey!!
Well done so far - gosh, you must be looking good!
So, what's this big event, honey? Is it something dance-related? What dancing do you do?
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

this one isn't dance related actually!!! But I do ballet, contemporary and used to do modern and tap as well but ran out of time!!!!
This event is singing with my choir but it's going to be televised world-wide apparently (I can't say any more... top secret apparently hehehe_)
So yes.. really exciting, but I CAN"T be on TV looking like I do.

By the way, thought you guys might like to know this, found a good excuse for getting out of the house and exercising... if you have a local library, go down there to "study". Seriuosly! The 'rents love it cos they think you're working hard, and you get to run for a good two hours... then cool off a bit and head off back home! Tis my new found-love, "studying" hehehe.

Exam results day tomorrow ARGHHHHHH!!!!! Am very very very nervous. I know I didn't do as well as I could have but ... oh well.
So good luck everyone else in England for AS and A2 results tomorrow!!!
I'm sure you'll all do fab.
Loveeeee
xxx

[AlicetheCamel]

Ballet and contemporary = I adore the freedom in contemporary...Plus, I don't know about you, but I find the technique of classical ballet so difficult, it's nice to have a little more freedom! It's kind of more about the dancing, when you don't have to fuss about turn-out etc...It's just you and the music Ballet's so beautiful, but it's haaaaard!!!

Wow, GOOD LUCK!! That's so cool - please tell me when to watch lol! Do you do a lot of singing? I'm sure you're going to look fabulous by then, but please eat on the day - singing with no energy doesn't really work, from experience... :S

Lol!!! So if you're waiting for results, what are you studying for, chick? A2, uni? Best of luck for tomorrow - I'll think of you! What subjects did you take? Try not to worry too much about results? You can't change anything now, harsh though that sounds, and worrying will only make whatever you get less of a pleasant surprise!!! Hope it's nice to see all your friends and have them all tell you how thin you are xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Haha... totally agree about ballet / contemporary... but ballet gives you a great spring-board into contemporary technique so it's really fab for that.

I shall indeed let everyone know when to watch!!! I'm very very excited.

I've just done my AS this year.. did english spanish latin and chemistry... (I know, I went crazy when I had to chose my subjects!!!) Then I'm going to do english spanish chem at A2 then hopefully go to university to do english!!!
XD
Twill be joyous.

Indeed. Now I have to figure out what to wear tomorrow. This always takes ages. Sighhhhh.

I'm so happy to have found another dancer XD I'm sure there are loads on here but yay to you!!!!
Everyone who dances... KEEP DANCING!!!
I mean it. I stopped for a bit due to injury and those were the worst days of my life...
So never ever stop!!!!
Loveee to you all
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Hi all again!
Got my results yesterday... were pretty good considering how ill I was. Barely made it in for half the exams! But yes, so I'm quite pleased. Gonna do a couple of resits next year but should still be on course to go to the universities I want. And then absolute freedom!!!! XD

However. Today. One of my friends who I don't see much of has invited me down for dinner and drinks in two weeks time. Oh how bloody fabulous. The thing is, she was the first one to pick up on my "disordered eating" and I think she will be kinda manic about it. ARGH. But I've got a couple of weeks. Anyways I can easily be ill... hahaha.

Anyways. This is th real point to this update. One of my closest friends has just decided... *drumroll* that my eating habits / problems etc... are just a phase. Lovely. Hows that for a complete disregard to everything. I get so angry when people say "It's just a phase" or "It's part of growing up" or even worse... "Oh,. I'll join you on this diet" WTF! I get so mad. Because I don't know really... argh. I guess to her it could be a diet, but becuase it's never been about that to me I just don't know.

To be honest I don't know whats going on in my head any more. Before it was just the voice constantly going on about how shit I am but I could argue with it... if that makes any sense... but now I just don't know whats going on any more. I don't care about anything else at all...

I'm not even sure who i am or what I really think. It's so confusing.
Anyways.
I'm sure that was an awful rant and made no sense but.. thats life.
xxx