Pix's journal

[pix]

OK I've put on under a pound from the last few days so that wasn't so bad - phew! Today I went to the gym and burned 340cals on cardio machines, plus I did a load of situps and I also did a bit of gardening today (mowing grass, etc) which is a mild workout. I've eaten about 540cals today and I'm not really even hungry (which is weird for me, but I'm certainly not complaining ). I won't eat any more today (maybe just a cup of tea or something). So all in all a sucessful day. My bf is visiting his parents for 3 days which is a great opportunity for me to restrict at home without the temptation of him eating around me and offering me food all the time, not to mention that meals must be eaten! So I'm gonna try to keep my cals around 500-600 for the next few days (I'm studying, so I can't fast totally), and hopefully get a good amount of exercise in too. Then on the weekend it is my bf's birthday, which is gonna involve a bbq party, cake, the works - I can only hope my willpower is at least in good shape!

[pix]

I've kept to about 600kcals today, which I'm happy with. Haven't had a workout - I've been studying really hard all day (but not snacking). I'll go to the gym tomorrow for sure - I won't have another chance to go until monday at least, coz of all the birthday stuff. In the evening tomorrow I'm going for drinks at a cocktail bar for my friend's birthday, but I won't drink many (and anyway my fave cocktail is a bloody mary, which is definitely one of the least calorific - much less sugary since it's tomato juice, and only vodka for alcohol).

[pix]

I just measured myself to check my progress:

Chest: 34
Waist: 25.5
Handles/spare tyre: 32
Bum: 37.25
Legs: 20.5 (right leg a tiny bit bigger)
Arms: 10 (right arm a tiny bit bigger)

I guess I must favour my right hand side, so the muscles are bigger there! Compared to when I started this journal (end of May, weighing 127lbs), I have lost nothing on my chest (yay - my boobs haven't shrunk ), half an inch on my waist, nothing on my love handles/spare tyre area ( ), three-quarters of an inch on my bum, half an inch on each arm, and half an inch on each leg.
That adds up to 3.25 inches lost in total! I've only lost 3lbs in weight, but I did feel smaller and I'm so glad to find out that even tho the scales weren't showing progress I am actually shrinking!

[pix]

yuk yuk yuk I feel so fat today...

[nickytml]

did u have a binge hun?

[pix]

Yeah. My bf's birthday party was just one long binge. It's like a vicious cycle - if I have alcohol, I'm much more likely to eat more than I should, but if I haven't eaten I'll get drunk really fast and then I'll definitely eat too much! Also I'm all flu-ey so I haven't been to the gym. My bf has been really nice - I was getting ill yesterday so he made a healthy vegetable and lentil soup from scratch. It's just vegetables, lentils and spices, so really low fat and hopefully it'll be full of vitamins so I'll get well and then go back to the gym.

[pix]

Ugh I've been ill all week, gross and fluey, and just totally exhausted. i think I've just run myself into the ground. I don't have time to be ill, though, coz I have to write a huge essay (20,000 words) and I'm studying sooo hard. I just need to get well asap so I have been eating 'normally' the last few days so I'm not short on any nutrients. But Just trying to eat like a normal person either makes me feel horribly guilty, or else I start to go into a binge, out of control because I'm allowing myself more food.
I don't want to be this messed up about food. I had some onion rings last night (the friends I was with got a massive kebab each, and I nearly got a veggie burger but I talked myself out of it), just onion rings, which most normal peoplw wouldn't think twice about, and I woke up this morning and I feel sick thinking about that in my stomach.
The other night I had a dream that I had just had a baby (I'm not pregnant or planning to be any time soon, but I would love to have kids one day), and in my dream I just put the baby to bed in the middle of the day and left her with someone so that I could go running - I had a new baby and all I could think about was losing the flab on my tummy! That is not good.
I don't want to let this take over my life again - the whole ana way of thinking is always in my head, even when I'm doing really badly at following it through by restricting it's still always in my head. I want to get out before I get sucked in too far. But I want to lose more weight before I try to stop all this.

[pix]

I've never even been skinny. Sometimes I don't feel I have the right to feel messd up about food when surely if I was that bad I would at least be skinny! At my lowest weight my periods had stopped but I still wasn't skinny. And then I got scared and started eating again because I didn't like that my body had shut down an entire function. I think about food all the time and count calories and feel guilty EVEN THOUGH I carry on eating huge meals sometimes. It's like I'm all messed up in the head but my actions don't follow through so I end up being messed up AND fat instead of happy and fat or messed up and skinny. Every now and again I'll just suddenly click and then I'm in the zone and I do what is necessary and the weight falls off, but most of the time it's like somehow my heart isn't in it, even though it's always in my head. It's coming up to ten years now since I started with all this ana/mia shit - I'd have thought my heart would be in it! Porbably good that it isn't - I seem to have some sort of survival instinct, some sort of self-preservation that kicks in any time I get too into ana/mia, so that somehow I always end up talking myself out of it and into recovering before I ever get too crazy (and also, incidentally, before I ever get thin enough). OK rant over.
Positive thinking: at least I'm not gaining, and I haven't gained back the weight I've lost recently. And my bf told me today that he's been feeling a bit chubby recently (he's not fat, but if I'm totally honest he has a bit of a belly which I don't care about in the least, but then that's double standards because if it was me I'd want to lose it), and he's seen me lose a bit of weight (he's lost a lot since living with me actually and eating all the healthy food I buy! - he's gone from slightly overweight to average weight for a guy), and he wants to go running in the morning, and I'll go too so we can encourage each other to get loads of exercise! Really nice to have that kind of support at home. Also we go shopping together, so we can encourage each other to buy healthy stuff not fatty foods. If he knew about what goes on in my head or that I comes to this forum he would flip out, but as far as healthy eating and exercise goes he's very encouraging, which is gonna make things much easier for me. So, yeah, positive thinking...

[morning_lullabies]

Right, babe! Positive thinking, from experience and based on lots and lots of research, is always more effective than the alternative!

I know what you mean about freaking out at your lowest weight... I was 107 (bmi 17.1) and my periods stopped for months, I was aaalllwaaayyss really shaky (like my knees would just randomly turn to jelly and I'd fall over if I didn't grab something), and weirdest of all my lips turned blue for hours at a time, which lol is not great for suspicious peers...

It's hard getting back in the swing of things, as you say "in your heart" rather than "in your head." I find that my biggest problem after I started putting back on the weight (after the freaking out part) was that I still had the emotional response (hating myself, wanting so badly to be thin), but the habits didn't stick...

so anyways lol my point, you're not alone!

[pix]

morning_lullabies - that's exactly it! I still have the emotional habits of hating myself and wanting to be thin, but I've lost my skinny eating habits. Thanks so much for your support - it's so good to come to this forum and know that I'm not alone in the way I think about all this stuff. I wish I could be stronger and more driven - the desire to be thin is still as strong as ever but I feel so weak-willed, like giving up. But I won't! xx

[nickytml]

that is great to hear that ur b.f wants to go running wit u in the mornin - it would be soo much easier to exercise adn eat healthy if u have someone that lives with u and doin it along side u. u have the right idea hun - positive thinkin

[pix]

Yesterday my dad and his wife came to visit and they brought cake and then we went out for ben and jerry's. I'm so annoyed with myself. Then early this morning I felt so ill I was sick - it's like my body physically couldn't take all the rich food (which I'm actually quite pleased about). I still feel ill today so I'm hardly gonna eat, I have no desire to and a bulletproof excuse for when my bf gets home. I need a kickstart, and I think a couple of days of serious restricting should do it.
I'm feeling shit about how little exercise I've done, I haven't done a good workout in a while, I've been cooped up at home studying and every time I think of going to the gym I think well I should be using the time to study instead (I'm seriously stressed about the essay I'm writing - it's taking over my thoughts even more than food at the moment, and that is seriously saying something).
Also, I ordered a really nice bikini from Bravissimo and it arrived today. I tried it on and I look so horrible, so disgustingly fat. It's a beautiful bikini tho, and I've spent good money on it, so that is another incentive to get skinny so I can look good in my lovely new bikini!

[nickytml]

u really got to get the essay done hun, so than u can relax

that is too bad about you having to go out wit family for ice cream and stuff, it reallly sucks that everything social usually involves food. i get exactly like u feel today, where ur body isnt even used to unhealthy food now so whenever i eat it i immediately or shortly after end up with a tummy ache. it sucks cause i feel so gross, but at the same time its awesome knowing my body doesnt accept that food.

as for the bikini that was a wonderful idea hun! its definetely motivation. i dont even want to think about me in a bikini, but maybe if i bought a nice one like u it could be my motivation

[pix]

I haven't written in my journal for a while. I've been struggling, torn between wanting to be thin and wanting not to think like this any more. I've been going to therapy for over a year now to deal with other stuff (panic attacks, bereavement, etc) and I feel so sorted now, so happy and in control of my life in every way except when it comes to food. I felt like now I can do without therapy any more, so I'm working towards ending that. But I felt that I'd be lying to myself about being sorted out if I didn't deal with my eating issues. So I plucked up the courage and mentioned it to my therapist (I'm so secretive about food - I've been telling her everything for over a year, and this is the first time I've brought up anything to do with ED). I wasn't sure if I should do that, but I think it's ok - she didn't even blink, just chatted to me about it. If I'm gonna leave therapy I think I need to get over this. I need to restructure my thought processes, to find more healthy way of dealing with things. I want to lose weight still, of course I do (when have I ever thought anything else?), but I don't want to be this obsessive and unhealthy about it. Of course, if I get less obsessive about it, then I won't be as driven to lose the weight, but I think maybe it is possible to have it all, to be slim (but not skinny, I know) and happy without being fucked up in the head. I want to be happy with the way I look, and I've realised this isn't the way to do it, because however thin I get I will still want to be thinner.
So I've started eating normally again.Not loads, not binging, not unhealthy. But healthy, low-fat meals in normal portion sizes with my bf. He wants to lose too, and we now start the day by going for a run together, and then getting home and eating a bowl of porridge (which I swear keeps me from feeling hungry for hours and hours so I don't snack at all, and I have no inclination to binge). So perhaps I can lose weight the healthy way - I actually feel fantastic, and my stomach is looking flat.
I still want to be in good shape, but crucially - I don't want to spend every waking second thinking about that! I don't want to count calories any more, I don't want to worry all the time, I don't want to feel guilty any more, I don't want to make myself miserable when really, compared to all the problems in the world, my weight really isn't one of them! I haven't weighed myself for nearly two weeks, and part of me is dying to know, but I honestly don't feel like I've put on weight. And I'm not going to buy a scale, however much I want one. That would send me back to my obsession.
And if I'm serious about stopping being so obsessive, I have to stop coming to this forum. Because I love it so much, and it is so wonderfully triggering. I love being where people understand what goes on it my head. But I need to distance myself. I'm not skinny. I have not reached my goal. I'm nowhere near thin enough to need to recover for physical reasons. But I need to recover for the sake of my sanity, before this goes too far and becomes an obsession that I can't shake for the rest of my life. I've spent nearly ten years feeling fat, binging, purging, restricting. At some point I have to call it quits, or else accept that I have chosen to be this miserable and obsessive for the rest of my life. Suddenly, it doesn't seem worth it.
So I guess this is my goodbye. I'm going to try to sort my head out. I'm sure I'll still pop in on this forum every now and again, but I'm gonna try and do it less and less. I'm going to try not to need it. Thank you all for everything. I'll miss this place.

[nickytml]

sorry to see u go! but at least u have somewhat figured out whats goin on. it sounds like your really on track! great job hun, definetely gonna miss u around here. but congratz