Stepping Up To The Empty Plate

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

I used to write the Ballerina Journal here earlier, but I don't think I deserve that name to my journal anymore. I suppose it's around here somewhere if someone wants to know more about me, that journal includes, like, the story of my life, haha Anyways, it's not that special that I should repeat it here.

I found my old written journals at my parents' place today and I've been reading them all evening, and now its around mignight here. It's funny how you get a whole new perspective to your life, and I don't mean just your current situation but everything from your starting point to this day, when you read old journals. I advice everyone who's got old journals around to sit down and read them all, it's really therapeutic and if you manage to remember how you felt back then you might realize that your life might not be that bad after all right now.

I totally got into that feel of what it was like to go through the worst times of my teenage life. I was a horrible teenager, around here we start partying at the age of 13-14 and it was just so great to remember those first few parties, times when you started talking quite dirty to your girlfriends about the boys in your class It was just so funny and a lot of you are going to think I'm a freaking lunatic for saying this, but I kind of miss the days when you "fall in love" with a boy and fool around at a party with him and then become heartbroken when he didn't think kissing when you both were hammered meant as much as it did to you. I really started to miss the simple days of falling in love every month, breaking up, crying at home about it and then getting over it in a fabulous way, you know, changing your hair, buying new clothes, changing your attitude and then going to school on monday feeling like a queen....and then slowly turning into yourself again. I remember it being a rush when all you wanted was adventure and drama. These days it's hard to do that because if I have a fight with my boyfriend I can't sob like a nut over it because he'll probably be in the next room of your tiny apartment we've started calling 'our home' and it would be odd to start fixing myself with a make-over when we live together.

Now don't get me wrong, I love having a place of my own and sleeping and waking up next to my bf every day, but it's just fun remembering how hard life could sometimes be when it actually wasn't about anything serious. Life I suppose gets more complicated when we grow up...

Ok, well, that had nothing to do with anything.

The truth, which I'm obviously trying to avoid by rambling on about something utterly boring and irrelevant, is that I've fallen off my own wagon quite badly. I've fallen into a rut, big time, and I'm so tired of it. Literally, my disgusting eating habits have made me so tired, I jump at every chance I get at sleeping, even if it's just like 20 minutes. That's not what I've been like before, and nothing other than my eating habits that could affect my energy level has changed, so I assume it's that.

I've been in a horrible rut where, because I know I'm going to fail at some point, I won't even make the effort to try to make a change. I'll just buy a chocolate bar immediately because I know I'll do it sooner or later anyway. I won't even try and resist it for a day, even for an hour.

I have to find some cleansing system that I could go through to get all the s**t out of my body and then try and start afresh. I have food that'll go bad unless I prepare and eat it for the next couple of days so I thought I'll find some information during those days and then clean my body. I've got my food scale and my cal-list and my notebook and, of course, all of you sweethearts and this journal. I'm ready. Almost. Just need to find that information first.

If any of you out there have some good one-week-cleansing-programme, please share it with me (a liquids only-fasting kind of programme is okay). And EVERYBODY please feel as free as you can to post anything here-comments, advice, your own thoughts, criticism, whatever.

Take care all you beautiful honeys,

-Dizzy

[nickytml]

hello and welcome back.... i dont know anything about cleansing because i have never done one before, but im sure there would be lots of stuff on the net, I will have a look for u - it will give me something to do to distract me from eating.

it is really hard to get started - i always told myself i will start next week, and than it turned to the next week. but once u get started and u see some progress it motivates u to do better. and it really is great being here - the people are soo amazing and working together we will become skinny

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

Thanks nickytml for you support I know what you mean, I'm the same, always during weekend binges thinking 'on Monday it's a whole new life for me' but then it's all the same next weekend...

But you're right, after you see some progress you want to see what more you can accomplish. Like yesterday, I started my calorie-diary, which I haven't done in about three years, and I was stunned- I had no idea how much I actually eat! It gave me a whole lot of perspective and motivation to make the result for today less than yesterday.

We'll se how it goes, wish me luck, y'all!!

Take care ,

-Dizzy

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

I haven't yet counted all the calories for today, but I suppose it'll be a little less than yesterday, I hope it won't be the same...

It's weird how I used to be all about working out a while ago and now I just do ten minutes of yoga and I'm done. I hope it's just summer causing it, not having regular times to go and work out.

Damn....

[nickytml]

ya summer does throw workouts off.. not that i was ever in a routine of working out in the fall/winter lol for me im just too damn tired after work now

keeping track of ur calories is the best way to do it.. it really gives u an idea of how much u actually. its surprising how many calories are in certain foods. it really is a wake up call and it makes u realize why we gain weight so easily.

but stick to it - it all adds up

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

That's so true nickytml, no wonder even normal eating habits won't make you lose weight. I now see how blessed I actually am- ok, so I hate how much I weigh but I reckon it could be much worse, I mean these days I have to have some form of chocolate every day (as opposed to a few years ago when I ate sweets very rarely and actually disliked the taste of chocolate!! ) and although what I eat is considered healthy, it's still too much in amounts. I eat more than I suppose I'm burning off, but still I manage to stay at the same weight. In that way I should realize that if I manage to have weightcontrol when I eat too much then I should be able to make some wonderful things happen by at the least eating as much/little as I burn off. Ah, coulda woulda shoulda.
Well, I hope my food diary will make me understand this...

And of course, place the blame on the boyfriend, right Right before we met I was at the top of my game, thin, hated unhealthy, fatty foods and was exercising up to the point that even the teacher in my aerobics class tried to make me come to the gym less often. Then I go and fall in love with the ultimate cookie-monster of all and end up craving chocolate EVERY GODDAMN DAY!!! I mean, what the hell...

Anyway, I found a lot of interesting info about cleansing fasts on the internet, and what struck me the most was that to really get the cleansing effect of a fast, it is necessary to do like DIY colonics or take enemas every morning/evening. That made me rethink this whole cleansing fast-thing... It's just so disgusting and I bet it doesn't feel like all that nice either. It was something about the toxins that are released by fasts that get absorbed into your system and make you sick if you don't use enemas... I suppose it makes sense but....it's just so frickin' nasty!!!

Just being curious, all you guys and gals out these who fast regularly-do you do this? And if you do, how do you ever get used to it?

[nickytml]

ya that enima thing doesnt sound to enticing lol

i guess its a natural thing that happens when u meet a boy and get in a relationship.. u become a little more relaxed, everything u do involves some kind of food. u feel u dont need to look as good so its not a big problem if u put on a few pounds because u already have somebody who loves u, and they arent goin to stop cause u gained a bit of weight. thats exactly what happened with me anyways

i always think about the whole what if i realllly restricted how good would i actually do! its kind of frustrating lol cause i cant completely restrict, like fast or eat like 100 calories a day because i work outside all day doin physical work so i need that energy. its the binges that reallly get me, im like damn if i hadnt had like 50 of these binges i could be like 10 pounds lighter!!!

jsut try ur best to avoid chocolate, but if u need that bit of chocolate make sure its only a small peice

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

You're right, I'll really have to re-learn how to say no. Me and my boyfriend went totally off all sweets (except ice-cream and fizzy drinks, which I usually don't consume that much) for six months and it was so weird because I had no cravings whatsoever during that whole time, like I couldn't even think of buying a candybar or something. But now, when we've tried to do it again I can't even last a week. It's just so weird, I'm more weirded out by it that sad that I can't do it anymore

I had a mento's mint bar today, you know a bar with small mints in it....how much cals does it have?? I have no idea....

I'm so lousy at restricting aswell, I hate feeling all dizzy and weak, that's why I'm really cagy about fasting, but if it's horrible then I can say I tried it and it wasn't my thing and never do it again ... I've just heard so many good things about it, people feeling really energized after a fast and feeling like your head clears up. I've been so tired and having nasty headaches for about the last 12 months..

So we decided today to only eat sweets on Friday, I suppose that day will end up being a horrible binge week after week, but I think that's what I'll have to sacrifice now to get used to not eating chocolate every goddamn day

Today I got my ultimate motivation- I saw my class picture from my second year in that most of you call college? Anyways, that was about 3,5 years ago. I was standing beside the guy who every girl in my school was drooling after and I looked so tiny and thin beside him. I love that picture and that really motivated me to try harder- I thought if I at that time could look like that by being strong then I can do it now. I mean I'm still the same person, that ability must still be somewhere inside me. I have to ask my mom if I can borrow it because it's the best thinspiration ever!

I have to go calculate my cal-intake for today, take care all you gorgeous honeys out there!!

-Dizzy

[nickytml]

its sooo weird lookin at old pics and thinkin damn i was skinny. but it sure is motivation to get like that again! so just put that pic somewhere where u can look at it at motivate urself

that is a good idea to only eat sweets on friday, this way it will take away from the rest of the days. i usually only eat sweets on the weekend - sometimes it ends in a binge, while others i dont even feel like eating too much junk. but its muchhhh better than eating sweets all the time. just see how it works out, if it doesnt than try and take it out all together

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

Yesterday was the first day without the daily sweets. Did good in all other ways than in the cal-amount for the day. I ate fish and rye-bread and apples, but still, too many cals. Ah, today's a new day.

I have to get that picture of me, I thougth if I could just find a copy-machine that takes colour copies I could take copies of that picture and put one on the fridge door, one somewhere else at home, one in my wallet, one at the office... crazy, yes, but I suppose I'm at that point where only the crazy ideas make sense to me...

My summer-job started yesterday and I'll be here for a month, which means less time to eat or to think about food, yay! I'll eat rye-flakes in the morning, a rye-sandwich on my coffee-break and a rye-sandwich and an apple on my lunch break, plus many many cups of green tea. When I come home I'll be so tired that a nap will take some time from being awake and obsessing about food. I have to try and start exercising again, it just gets harder to start the longer you wait to get started. My barrier is now a mile-high wall.

I have to kick my (huge) butt big time now, I'm so tired of being tired all the time.

Take care all you sweethearts out there,

-Dizzy

[nickytml]

that is awesome about the no sweets all day! great job. u got to start somewhere. and to be honest it seems to be the little things that make a difference

a new job will definetely keep u busy and away from food.. thats why i thank goodness that i have a summer job, and i luck out cause its outside doin physical stuff

stick to it

[DizzyUpTheGirl]

Thanks sweetie for your support!! You're amazing

Yesterday I went swimming and realized in what a bad shape I really am. When I was in my best shape I swam for about 1,5h and damn, I can't remember how much I swam but I think it was like 5-8km, I really can't remember. Now I could only handle about 40 minutes and swam 1,6km,haha, how pathetic. I was totally out of breath, it was crazy, but I understand that the only way from here is up. I just have to start going more often, because it really was a lot of fun and my bf also got excited about it, so it won't be so hard to go if I don't have to go alone. It's hard to leave the sofa when you've got company on it . I actually used to compete in swimming when I was like 10-12 years old, can't remember, but I hated the competitions, I just liked the practice.

Today's been a different day, we've celebrated our 3-year anniversary with my bf so I've eaten some chocolate (yikes!I couldn't say no because he bought it for me, but I fed him most of it ) and haven't exercised, but I think I'll do some yoga before I go to bed.

Think thin all you beautiful people,

-Dizzy

[nickytml]

congratz on 3 years hun! that is soo awesome. dont worry bout the chocolate - especially if u fed most of it to the b,f u deserve a bit anyways

that is awesome that u want to get back into swimming. it really is amazing exercise for u. i couldnt do lengths if my life depended on it haha swimming isnt for me i guess, i have really bad ears that always pop. but definetely get into it again it will do wonders

[sailorv]

You are doing very well. I have a sweet tooth, so most of my calorie allowance is on sweets rather than healthier foods-I need to do some rearranging
Congratulations on your anniversary! 3 years is a very long time, so you deserve some choccie to celebrate, as nickytml rightly said.
Stay Strong girl, you're fantastic

[RunningOnEmpty]

Hey Diz

Long time, no speak.

I wish I could go swimming, it's such brilliant exercise. I just daren't get in my costume! Maybe I should, then that will be the ultimate motivation

As others have said, writing things down is an excellent wasy of checking - and controlling - how much you're eating.

Well done on your 3 years, and for feeding most of the choc to the boy!

ROE x