Pix's journal

[pix]

Right! I've decided to start a journal to keep myself on track. I've had a bad week - haven't really been paying attention to my eating, and slipping back into binge cycles and the 'oh fuck it' attitude, followed by massive guilt and disappointment in myself. I will no longer let myself get away with this. I will admit to all my achievements and slip-ups re eating here.
I have two choices: 1. continue to feel fat and horrible, or 2. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I have been slipping up because some part of me thinks I will never achieve my goals - but this attitude won't get me anywhere. Thin IS attainable. I WILL get there.

My measurements:
Chest: 34"
Waist: 26"
Handles (yuk!): 32"
Bum: 38"
Each thigh: 21"
Arms: 10.5"

I don't really have a sense of how big this is compared to other people, but I want to keep an eye on my measurements as well as my weight for a better sense of my progress. My worst bits are my thighs - I'm pear-shaped, sort of wide. But they are shrinking - my old tight jeans are now loose and wrinkly round my thighs! I want them to be much, much slimmer though.

I am currently 127lbs. I have not done well this last month. This is no longer an option.
GW1: 121lbs (I will allow myself to wear the lovely new shorts I bought)
GW2: 115lbs (I will buy myself an ipod if I can afford it)
GW3: 110lbs (I will buy myself some skinny jeans/other item I couldn't wear before)

My plan:
I live with my boyfriend so I can't get away with major restricting. Besides, in the past when I have lost weight rapidly I have only put it on again just as fast when I started eating again, because my metabolism had slowed down. In April I lost 2lbs a week like clockwork and it has stayed off, so I am convinced that slow and steady wins for me. It is also sustainable long-term. I will go to the gym as often as I can (minimum four times a week). On the days I work out, I have a 1000kcal limit. On days I do not work out I have a 600kcal limit. I will eat little and often to keep my metabolism up, and I will not eat after 6pm.

Tomorrow, however, I am out all day so I can get away without eating. I will fast tomorrow, to kick start my new regime.

I am stonger than my cravings!

[Decadence]

Hey babe,

Welcome

I just started here a few weeks ago, and I can strongly relate to your feeling.... I went to the doctor's office and weighed in at 125 and felt AWFUL! But keeping up a journal will really keep you motivated We're all here for you.

I can't seriously restrict either b/c I live with my family, so I just work out as much as possible. But I've found that writing down what I eat in my journal here really helps, because then, if I'm about to eat that piece of chocolate, I realize "Oh man, I'm gonna have to write this in my journal later and let everyone down......."

It works

Anyway, just wanted to welcome you and wish you the best of luck!
Skinny vibes!
-Deccy

[nickytml]

WElcOME

i totally agree with decadence, it is such a great help knowing that u have ppl supporting u. and the thought of eating something bad is scary cause u dont want to write it down after. it helps u stay strong

sounds like u have a good plan worked out - and the gym 4 times a week! wow that is dedication i am sure everything will work out just great

keep us updated

[pix]

Thanks so much for your responses, guys. As promised, I've been fasting today (I'm allow myself cups of tea with a tiny bit of milk though - I need that I'm afraid). But I'm at a big event today at which everyone has been given a voucher for a free lunch, and in the lunch break everyone is going off to eat together. Don't you hate it when your plans are made diificult for social reasons? I do want to be a part of the lunch thing, but I don't really know anyone here so I have sneaked off and went to quickly check my emails. Sitting here, I've been thinking 'oh, I shouldn't waste a free lunch, I'll just have something small so I can join in...' but then my inbox alerted me to your lovely welcomes to my journal. You have sorted me right out - I will not be going to eat lunch, because I know how disappointed in myself I'll be later - it's not worth it! I don't usually fast as a weight-loss method but I said I would today so dammit I will! One day isn't even difficult (I've done 7 days before so I know it's no trouble) but it is easy to make excuses. I'm not even missing out on anything much, and the food where they're going is rubbish - I don't want to break my fast over something that isn't even tasty!
Hoorah for this forum, and especially to Decadence and nickytml!
This journal idea really works...

[pix]

Well I got my ass down the gym today! I don't have scales at home so I only weigh myself when I'm at the gym (which sometimes turns out to be another incentive to go there when I'm desperate to know!) And I haven't been to the gym for a while so I was expecting the worst, but... I'm down almost two pounds! I obviously haven't been binging as much as I'd thought the last few days. Of course, the weight loss is partly coz of the fasting yesterday, but then again I weighed myself after I'd already eaten so I figure it's not completely coz of that. I find that if I can fast for a day my appetite shrinks and after that I find it easier not to binge and I don't get as hungry once I start eating again. Having a day like that is just a good kick-start, both mentally and physically.
I kept my food under 1000kcals today and burned 360kcals at the gym (according the treadmill, etc.) All in all, a great start, keeping to the plan!

[nickytml]

glad to hear that u had such a great day and congratz on the 2 lbs! not having a scale at home would defientely be motivation to get to the gym.. maybe i should try that lol

i am so proud that u came to this board during that lunch break.. and so amazed that it kept u from eating it that takes will power!! u are very strong

keep those skinny thoughts up, and have a great day

[Thomas]

Great job so far
Your GW's seem very reasonable, good luck reaching them!

[Decadence]

Congrats on the 2 pounds What a way to jump-start your progress!!!!!

You're a lot stronger than I am. I HATE the treadmill. To death. I'll use it if I'm doing a quick 10 minute warmup before working out, but usually, I use the elliptical. That's my favorite. Or I run outside.

More power to you though!!

And I bet you're overexaggerating your binging Really, when you think about it, you sometimes make things so much worse in your head than they really are/were. So I bet you're eating has been just fine!!

Skinny vibes
-Deccy

[pix]

Well I've had a brilliant weekend! I went skydiving! It was awesome! Jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet! Such an adrenaline rush. My friends got me the skydive for my birthday, and a bunch of them came to watch. It was a gorgeous sunn
y day, and I jumped when the light was going all golden in the evening. On the food side of things, however, not so good. Being away wih my friends (and being in such a good mood) does nothing for my willpower, especially when going out with them involves pub lunches, etc. I had a couple of small victories tho - I didn't get a tub of ben and jerry's (everyone else did), and then I went out clubbing with my friends that evening and I avoided drinking loads (despite my friends actively forcing drinks on me). But I did have to eat meals with my friends all weekend, so I'm pretty certain I didn't stay within my calorie limits (and it's so hard to tell what's in the food when I haven't made it myself), and of course I've been away so no visits to the gym.
I'm gonna hit the gym tomorrow and crack on with my plan. This weekend may have been bad for my eating plans, but I had such a great time it may just have been worth it. Damage is slight and reversible. Now back on track!

[nickytml]

glad to hear that u are still motivated weekends are really hard especially when you are with friends the whole time. but u did resist eating some food so thats a plus.. so it could have been worse.

sky diving sounds amazing!!! i bet it was a blast.. i dont know if i could ever do it. lol but its great to hear that u got a chance to do it. must of been a great weekend

but like u said jsut got to get back on track during the week

[pix]

Feeling less positive than my last post. I've just had a several days binging like an idiot (didn't last, long, did I? rubbish). I'm back on track today though - burned over 360 kcals at the gym and have eaten less than 600kcals so far today. I weighed myself and I've put on 3lbs from my stupid binging. I was gonna stop eating for today but my bf has just come in after a shit day and all he wants to cheer him up is for us to get Indian takeout. According to my plan I could still eat another 400kcals today but it's so hard to judge how many kcals are in a takeout. I'm gonna just get the lightest veggie curry I can, and not eat it all. The place I get takeout from is pretty good though - all brown rice and everything is lean and cooked in less fat than other takeouts. It's annoying tho as it's already after 6pm, so I didn't want to eat any more today. It's so hard to keep to a plan when you're always around other people. That's essentially what happened with the binging - friends and family taking us out for dinner, then a friend having us over for dinner that she'd cooked specially, plus several nights out drinking with friends - a social life can really get in the way of a diet! I guess that's why so many people with ana avoid certain social occasions. I know I've thought about doing that, but the whole point of losing weight is to make me happy so I'm not gonna give up my social life, which would make me unhappy. I'll just have to plan ahead more carefully so that if I know I'm gonna be eating with friends, I'll eating hardly anything the rest of the day. My dad is having me over for dinner on the weekend so until then I'm gonna work extra hard to lose the pounds I've gained and then some! Need that positive attitude!

[nickytml]

it really is hard for many social events because they usually involve food most of the time. its soo shitty - but u just gotta have will power. something i dont always have especially when drinKIn.. but if we do have a bad day we just got to move on the next day adn forget about it and get back on track right away. keep a positive attitude hun that 3 lbs will be gone in nooo time

[pix]

OK! Back on track! Yesterday I did well and ate about 600kcals (maybe slightly more, but no more than 650, so I'm ok with that). I also had a lot of sex which definitely counts as a workout (not always, but in this case I think so)! Today I've already been to the gym and burned 200kcals plus I did half an hour of exercises (situps, etc). I also weighed myself and I've lost 1.5lbs since my weigh-in on wednesday, so I'm almost back to my starting weight for this month. Not sure if it's possible to lose 1.5lbs in two days - maybe some of the weight I put on was water weight or something. Still, I'm happy the damage is proving reversible. Tonight I'm going to a party so I'm gonna leave myself 200-300kcals for 2-3 glasses of wine (ie. I'll only eat 700-800kcals today out of my allowance of 1000). That should do it.

[pix]

Oh man I had a dream last night that my boyfriend (who I live with, and also we share the computer) found out I go on this forum and freaked out! I always make sure to delete the history but I dreamt I just left a window open with this page on and the game was up - sary! So relieved it's not true!
Had a rubbish day yesterday. Had a lovely time but I binged. Not to a disastrous extent, but still pretty bad (back in the days of mia, a binge for me could be thousands of kcals in one go - now I'm not caught up in the binge/piurge cycle anymore my binges are what someone else might call a 'normal' meal). When I'm on my own and focused I find restricting really easy, but when I'm with my bf or friends that's when I can't seem to say no. It's like when I'm having such a good time I just think - fuck it, I'll enjoy my food like everybody else. Ugh. And I'm gonna be at my dad's for dinner tonight so I just know I'll eat too much then (I don't see him much so he's going to an effort with dinner, etc, - I can't exactly not eat it).

[LadyBird]

hey, I just read through your journal and wanted to saiy hi! That's so cool that you went skydiving, I would love to, although I'm not sure that I have the nerve, hehe. About your dream, I would freak out if anyone found this site, so I always clear the history, even when I leave my room to go to the bathroom if I've been here. Getting to the gym 4 times a week sounds amazing, working out is great because not only do you lose weight by eating less, but you know that you're getting toned.