Pix's journal

[pix]

I just wanted to add something about my progress. I have been doing ok - I didn't weigh myself for what felt like years, and I have been eating like a normal person. I've had times when I felt like I was swelling up like a balloon, feeling the food inside me, feeling guilty, but I have been blocking out that voice that tells me to diet and to throw up, I've been telling it to shut up! The things I've been eating make me feel like I've been on a binge every day, although I've still been exercising every day to help me burn it off, give my metabolism a push. And then I weighed myself...
I haven't put on any weight! Not a pound! This has really shown me how much my image of myself is all in my head - I could SEE the weight piling on, but I was wrong, and now I know I'm not getting fatter I can see that my body is the same, if not slightly more toned. Of course, the little voice in my head has startig saying things like 'look how much you're eating and you're maintaining - just imagine how quickly the weight would come off if you restricted...' It's very tempting, but I'm gonna take it slow, keep eating regularly and keep exercising. I'll eat healthily, about 1500kcals a day (but I'm not going to count it too closely, because that'll make me all obsessive again), and I'll probably still lose some weight (seeing as my BMR is 1400kcals and I'm exercising).
I don't wanna get preachy, I just wanted to share my experiences with you, to let you know that if you start eating again that doesn't necessarily mean you'll get fat. I'm hoping that I can start being normal with food again, every day it gets less of a big deal to just make myself some pasta or something for lunch. Being healthy, I will never be super-skinny. But I hope that by being healthy I will learn to be happy with myself as a slim, toned person instead.

[pix]

I've been away for a while, eating normally, living my life. Just weighed myself for the first time in months, and I've lost weight - about 7lbs. I'm under 120lbs for the first time since I was a teenager - so happy! I'm very tempted to start restricting now I'm closer to my goal, but at the same time I don't want to get sick and obsessive again. I still agree with my reasons for trying to stop, but I'm addicted to this way of thinking, and the little successes encourage me. Then again, maybe this could encourage me to realise that I've had more success losing weight when i wasn't concentrating on it than when I've been obsessing. Which is completely true. Or at least it seems that way. I just don't want to put on weight again. I want to keep losing...

[pix]

Right. F**k it. I'm back.
I've put on a few pounds. Nothing drastic, only four. But I hate that. I've been living 'normally', eating what I wanted, and I could see the weight piling on - no one could tell except me, but I could feel it. I eventually snapped and bought some scales, and that actually calmed me down quite a lot because 1) I hadn't put on anywhere near as much as my obsessive brain was telling me (shows how much of this is in my head, huh?) and 2) at least now I know where I am.

I don't want to get sick and obsessive again, but I feel like I'd come so far, from 147lbs down to 119lbs (I know that's not as much as many of the incredible people here, but it helps me to remind myself that progress is possible). I don't want to stop now, and I definitely don't want the pounds creeping back on. Small goals, small steps.

I started a new ticker about four days ago and I've lost a pound so far. I've been kinda half-hearted the last few days (I've been ana/mia off and on for about ten years now - the obsession is always in my head, but lately I've been going through a phase where despite being totally obsessed I'm really weak about doing anything about it). Not any more. I'm gonna discipline myself, lose those pounds I gained recently and then lose some more.

Still, this feels a bit like failure. Failure to recover completely from this mindset, failure to prove that I can, just maybe, be normal about food for good. I read the long message I posted in my journal when I decided to try to recover last July, and I still agree with everything I said there. I don't want to feel awful about my weight for the rest of my life. But I think I can lose a bit more and then maybe level off for a while, try to be normal again. I don't know. I feel like a failure whether I try to recover or come back to ana/mia. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

[AlicetheCamel]

[pix]

Thanks so much for your lovely message, Alice.

I'm gonna try not to get too obsessive again, and I'm hoping this site will motivate me without leading me too far down that road again (only an ED forum like this one will do, even so, because at least you guys get what's going on in my head). I just want to be in control of myself. I think that's what it's always been about for me - control. That and being a perfectionist!

Even though I haven't posted anything in a long while, I've been lurking on this forum for ages, so i might as well just admit it and join in again!

[pix]

I've lost another couple of pounds - yay! Slowly does it... I like to lose a bit faster than this, but I know this is more likely to stay off. If I can just eat a little bit less than my body needs, I'll slowly lose weight without really having to struggle too hard. I don't want to yo-yo again. For now, I'm feeling really positive.