my journal

[Hollister76]

I had a journal on here before, but my mom and doctors grounded me from the Internet because of my being on pro-ana sites. Rather than resurrect the old one, here's the new.

I journal constantly in real life, I'll try to condense this online one, though...

Today was such a bad food day. My dad's a pastor, so we have to be at church on Sundays early. Sunday morning breakfasts are crazy because of that! Dad and I argued for ten minutes over a sausage biscuit (the tiny kind of biscuits that come in the can). I ended up not having to eat it after all, I had oyster crackers. 30 cals maybe, as opposed to the 150 in the biscuit.
I made it through church, and then Mom enlightens me with the info that an older couple in our church ( really distinguished and all) asked us to lunch. I freaked!
I had some chicken dumplings, a little bit. Then they asked us for dessert at their house! I freaked some more...chocolate is evil.
Mom told me to be polite and try some, I couldn't cause a scene or anything, I guess. I did purge in their bathroom, though. I tried to clean up well, because it was a georgeous bathroom!

Then tonight at church is First Sunday Night Fellowship; the first Sunday of every month, everyone eats in the fellowship hall after the service.
Old ladies always ask me why I don't have much on my plate and it's just weird.

So I had to make cookies this afternoon for that^ and that was....not a good thing, with my cookie weakness.

I think chocolate is out to get me...

<3

[max]

cool new journal!

welcome back to the ana-internet i should say.

Out of curiosity... I was noticing your lowest weight and u had mentioned that u were banned from the internet... were you hospitalized? For the sake of your company on this forum I hope you DONT reach your"utopia" I mean... I feel like Im pretty low and I have a hard enough time staying awake, carrying groceries... im always so achy. I can't imagine it would be much fun typing if u where around 60 lbs. Just be careful, i guess... just concerned!

regardless of that... wish you luck with the loss. cheers!
(imo pizza is worse than a little chocolate )

tc , max

[Hollister76]

Thank you, Max

I was hospitilized, several times. Sent to rehab, too which was definitely NOT a good experience. That's one thing that I worry about, is that I'll have to go back again...

You're right, being that low would have a lot of physical problems...more than would come to mind. That's a big drawback...
You are so low, yourself! Congrats on being in the 80s, that's awesome

I'll be commenting your journal soon, thanks for leaving me a note!

~deborah

[Hollister76]

Today was good, not the food nightmare of yesterday!

Mom started teaching kindergarten again, so Dad got us all up. My three little siblings had Fritos for breakfast...I passed, and had some tea.

Lunch at school was uneventful, which was nice. No comments on lack of food.

Dinner was pizza. Max- you're right, it is worse than chocolate. I had one piece, and couldn't purge b/c of parents downstairs.

Overall, good day Sipping some Diet Coke as I type. Yum!

[constance]

Just checking in to welcome you to the Journals section!

constance

[Hollister76]

Thank you Constance

Today was decent. I had a special k granola bar and a Diet Coke for lunch, which I shouldn't have, but I was ravenous.
And my stomach growls in class, which can suck.
Lol.

High school has too much drama, I swear.

Love,
D

[Hollister76]

I don't know if any of you are in high school, but if you are you can probably relate.
(Names are changed in the freak chance they might find this)

In our juinor class (11th) , there's this unofficial race of sorts: the goal is to be the thinnest; and the competition is cuthroat. Right now, Lindsay, me (somehow), Becca, and Kylee are at the bottom. Ironically, the four of us are best friends, and I'm the only one with Ana. They're naturally that small- and three of us have the exact same measurements and size. And they eat too, without purging...
Lunch is a circus, overall. Girls push their salad around on the plate and complain loudly (to their boyfriends too, naturally) about how fat their thighs are. Food labels are read aloud for all to hear and admire, and all that jazz.
The funny thing is- I have literally watched those same girls stuff their face in the bathroom and stash the food in their locker. As long as they think that no one is watching, they eat and eat. And not purge. It's all superficial...

The interesting thing is, the boyfriends that they try to impress get annoyed with it quickly. I have several best guy friends who tell me how irritating it is listening to their gf's moan and groan about their fatness, and trying to convince them they are not fat. Needless to say, I made a note of this at the beginning.

Gotta love high school, eh?

[constance]

[Hollister76]

^You're exactly right. I think that many anas do that without thinking how it sounds to other people...I'm glad I noticed that before I became social roadkill!

[Hollister76]

Today was okay, calorie wise, but I did get "busted". I was purging in our bathroom, and my mom found me. She got fairly mad and made me eat some more food. I'm not terribly worried about the food part b/c all I had eaten was a few french fries, and she only made me eat a couple of chicken nuggets. Approx. 150 cals...

Tonight is a big meeting for work (Chickfila) .We're meeting at Golden Corrall- If you're not from America, it's a Southern style buffet. The amazing thing is that, because it's a mandatory meeting, we get paid for the restaurant, 3 hours of the meeting, and bowling afterwards!
We have new management, and the new operator Melanie has a lot of new rules...it should prove interesting.
Now, I'm really looking forward to it b/c I LOVE the people that I work with. And my significant other, Robert, will be there. We're not dating, but we've gotten to know eachother, and he's been flirting a lot...
he's really sweet.
It's so much fun seeing everybody outside of work- no uniforms ,and the atmosphere is different.

I'm excited

Love,
Deborah

[Hollister76]

Updates!

Due to tons of homework, I have not been able to get on much, except the occasional Myspace log in. I haven't forgotten Chemistry, lots of that and Algebra II. High school...
I stayed after school laboring over this Algebra quiz that we had. I just could not figure out #7, I kept at it...so then I turn it in and my teacher realizes that he couldn't do it. And he wrote the quiz! So he threw it out, that's the only one I would've missed, so I'm glad!

Robert and I are going to prom together This is my first juinor/senior, so I'm really excited! The dress, the shoes, the boy...mhm, all of it.
We're definitely in that going out-ish stage.
He's already graduated, he's 19 (in case I didn't say that before.) I'm nearing 17.

I can't get my mind off him, and I'm not a boy crazy chick, really. Now I can appreciate God's creation, don't get me wrong! And he is certainly to be appreciated in that sense Very good looking...

I'm checking out some dresses now, looking for some soon, and I'm apprehensive about actually trying them on. But I've found some beautiful ones!

[Hollister76]

I had a granola bar for lunch...I wanted to run back and get FOOD but I resisted! My tiny friends all really eat and they eat pasta, bread, chocolate, candy...tempting.

Diet Coke is pulling me through.
I actually depend on it.
Sad, eh?

<3

[Hollister76]

dad has cancer.

I don't know what else to say right now.

[Jennifer]

Oh hun thats shitty news sending big big hugs.

Have you had a prgnosis? What type/how far along etc. stay strong and positive - your dad needs you right now

Jen x x x

[constance]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that, Deborah!!

I will pray for him....and for you and the rest of the family. Your Dad will have the prayers of his congregation going up on his behalf and I believe in prayer!!

Please keep yourself healthy. You are just a little thing yourself now and your parents are going to be going through some rough times. Having you healthy and there for them will be a blessing.

constance