my journal

[max]

oooooh i hate the stomache chatter too. If i have meetings at work i tend to bring a little juice or water to make it shut up.

sorry to hear about your oreo binge... I go through that too. sometimes i think of something that sounds... kinda good and I'll obsess over it until i buy it, regret it and get it over with. Thats the hardest part for me. Lately Ive been craving pizza... and I cant order it, id have to make it for my vegan stanards.... I havent had a pizza in months and months. omg. it's the ultimate sin for me because I also havent eaten(and kept in) any bread like foods... that includes pizza dough, breads, pastas, crackers. Its the most painful thing when it comes up. Its like... total cloggage and my sides hurt. sorry to much information. Chin up about the cookies. It happens. move on! sounds like you alrdy have:)

-max!

[Hollister76]

Dear Lord in heaven, you've got that right, Max. Breads hurt so badly when they come up. Crackers are the worst.

I'm so glad the Oreo Scenario is behind me. I don't know what came over me, because
1) I've never binged before
2) I don't like them.

Anyway, it's over!

-----
Today was good, it turns out I over studied again. I'm no nerd, believe me, but I'm so OCD about grades. I could have sworn our quiz was over the entire Act III of Hamlet, but it turns out it was only to be on scene one. The Chemistry test was so easy, which I never thought I'd say.
Overall, today was good.

I think that we should do away with school lunch alltogether. People always comment on what you eat- my guy friends in particular. I don't want to commit social suicide, but I don't want to start eating either.

I saw one of my therapists, Gina, today. She's British- one reason why I like her. And the fact that she has a very hot son my age (albeit a wild partier son) doesn't hurt either

Anyway, I better go. It's one of my brother's birthday- he's 14. I feel so old, dear Lord.

<3

[Hollister76]

Oh, I discovered that my grounding is being lifted. I have been on restriction on the weekends after Mom found the RapidSlim pills in my purse (she was putting a Valentine card in there for me and saw them. She's not a freak mom who goes through my stuff, lol.) I picked up another paycheck today from Chickfila, so I think I'll be able to go to the mall. Robert, hopefully, will be there with me...if it all works out.
And I'm buying a different brand of pills too. I need them, and trust me- she won't find them.
And I just need to get out and shop I've saved up quite a bit, so I'm good to go.

Anyway, have a great night yall.

[max]

sorry to hear about the grounding.. that always sucks. I think when i was grounded (way back when - cry) I was on perma-grounded. LOL no joke. My mom took the cable away from the tv so I couldnt watch it... and somewhere along the time she just gave the tv away because i wasnt able to watch it for years. teehee:) I ran away from school a lot Then I was sent to boarding school. words of advice... BE GOOD! XD

have a good one

[max]

How you doing?!!! Hope those new pills are ok for you..... you too wired to come on?! haha... just wondering how youre doing:)

-max

[Hollister76]

hey max!
Life this week has been hard and fat.
On the plus side I made 100 on my killer Spanish test, 86 on Chemistry (normally I would be really dissapointed about an 86, but this Chemistry test was unreal. So I'm happy with that little miracle of a grade.) and an A on my Literature report.
For that Literature report we had to make a poster about a poet and write a paper. I'm good at papers, but not so much with posters. Anyway, I had to present mine today...oral reports are nerve wracking.

This week has been so strange food wise, I haven't eaten a whole lot but I feel enormous. All the period symtoms too, even though I haven't had it in months. I feel like an over-filled balloon stuffed into my clothes. Ugh. I just feel fat, God knows I probably look it.

Dad's chemo was really rough for him this week. He had 6 hours of it, accompanied with radiation, daily. He lost his hair too, officially.

Anyway...I'll talk to you all later. Hope life is good for yall
<3
D

[constance]

Congratulations on those fabulous marks!!

That is tough on your Dad, you and your family.....is he in good spirits though? People go through illness in so many different ways. I am hoping the church folk are being really supportive of your family at this difficult time.

constance

[Hollister76]

Thank you Constance
The church family has been great...we have a small church and it's pretty tightly knit. Two or three times a week, a family brings over a hot meal (already prepared) to our house. This is really helpful because with dad not able to sit up and mom arriving home late, its a mess trying to get food on the table. Also, several large checks have been presented, as well as $60 worth of Dominoe Pizza coupons and also the same amount for Zaxby's. And two weeks ago they gave us an old fashioned "pounding"- three tables were set up (this was, like the rest, a surprise) and they were filled to the brim with food, and coolers with ice and drinks. It took a while to get that in our freezer!
It's pretty cool, because they did all this when I was hospitilized and in rehab.
They're great

I think it's interesting that comfort and food are inexplicitly tied. People who want to help give food. It's something to think about.

Well, I spent yesterday down in Albany (also in GA, about 2 hours away). On Friday, our denomination had a state meeting all congregated at the church there (really big church!). My dad spoke, which I was shocked that he could stand that long and preached as verbously and loudly as before cancer. When I was little, I despised those meetings because all these adults pinched my cheeks and remarked on how tall I had gotten (you know, that one inch would make all the difference.) Now though, I enjoy it because I have so many teen friends to re-connect with. Granted, those adults still pinch my cheek and ramble. The singing was great too, modern worship rather than twangy blue grass of the past. It was Chris Tomlin kind of music.

My cousins, that church is their home church, are returning this week to Japan, where they are long-term missionaries. We spent all Saturday with them. While Uncle Nathan and Aunt Linda were packing up the house (with 6 kids worth of stuff, that's quite the chore!) my mom took their kids and my siblings to a state park nearby. Meanwhile, I went with their oldest, Daniel, to his friends house to ride four wheelers and mess around. It was great to spend time with our cousins for closure- they'll come back in *four years* from Japan. I understand though, since we were missionaries too.
We thought last night was the last time we would see them, but my great grandma died last night, so we will see them tomorrow, along with the rest of the clan ( very large family!).

Anyway, hope you all are having skinny days!
<3

[Hollister76]

I feel like a disgusting cow. I just hate my body...I don't think that people not slaves to Ana can't comprehend how much we hate our bodies.

I cut for the first time in a few months (which was a major accomplishment, I was/now am a habitual cutter. But I'm not emo.) It felt so good...I was in the shower and was gazing at the razor. It was calling my name, the sharp silver. So I grabbed it tentatively then started sliding it across my thigh. When that first shock of pain shot through my body as the searing water splashed on it, I felt better.
That makes me sound like a freak, I know.

There's just something delicious about knowing I look "sweet and innocent" (I get that all the time ) but have such strange secrets: Ana and cutting. I look pure on the outside, but if you roll up my jeans you'll see what I'm really like. Bones and blood. Gross...but addicting.
It does kill me when people tell me I look so innocent, it's just funny. I look really young, so it's understandable.
On that note, something embarrassing, but rather funny in hindsight, happened yesterday. As I mentioned in the post above, I was with my cousin Daniel at his friend's house yesterday. Well, Mason's mom was driving them to the video store, and I was in the front seat. We engaged in small talk and she asked how I got a job at 14 years old at Chickfila. I laughed and told her I'm almost 17, and she turned as red as I had! She seriously thought I was 14.


Time for church
<3

[constance]

I am so sorry for the loss of your great-grandma, Deborah.

I do not know what to say about that cutting....
I admit that I do not understand that at all.
However, I still have to caution you against it.
Breaks my heart to hear that you are hurting yourself,
even more, with the cutting.
I have a friend who is a married woman with children now...
she used to do that. She actually was ana & a cutter too....
she is always trying to cover her scars because she has so many of them.
Please be careful.

*hugs*

constance

[Hollister76]

Constance, thank you so much. About my g-grandmother and everything else. You are the kind of friend that I wish lived closer, and we could go out for coffee and shopping. You listen and that means more than I can relay on an Internet forum

I have quite a few scars from when I SIed before, and thankfully they are on my thighs for the most part. I would feel horribly uncomfortable donning a bikini right now, so I'm glad that won't show. I had completely torn up my left arm in '05 but those have faded. I mean, there was more red than white skin. It was bad...bad. Thankfully you can't see it now. These recent ones are on my left thigh.
I did it last night again, too.

I mean, it's so weird because after I throw the razor down I get this wave of clarity of what I just did. Reality hurts more than the cuts did. The pure bliss from the rush of pain is replaced with shock and shame.
I don't even understand it.

I was talking to my friend Alex, we've been best friends since 2nd grade. He was with me when I was hospitilized all three times..he knows me. We talked about SI today via texting during Spanish class today. Even though he and I sit next to eachother, I could NOT risk someone overhearing.
I go to a private Christian school (where most kids are so rich it's not funny, I'm not, but most of them are filthy spoiled.) Rumors spread like wildfire.
He listened and understood...I'm so glad I have friends like that, and like Constance.

It's pretty outside.
I think I'm going out there to write.
Have a great day everyone,
<3

[Hollister76]

Okay, so school lunch is all a COMPETITION.

And what kills me is my friends who act Ana only when our guy friends are around. The minute Zach, Joe, Kris and that crowd leave they stuff their faces.
And they do not purge.
But when our guys are around they make a huge show of their "food" and complain about their thighs.
I'm sure I sound like I'm wrongly judging them, but I know them. They're normal food wise, it's when their guys are around that they act all anorexic.
I can't STAND it anymore.
It's so fake and disgusting.

I've made a conscious effort not to do that. It's irritating as hell (I'm sorry for cursing).

I mean, it's like being Ana is the trend of the week. It's a damn competition.
That's all it is.
If they were ana, then it would be very different. I definitely understand that. But they will admit they're happy with their bodies and they eat NORMALY when the guys aren't at the table.
It's so frickin irritating.


Okay, I'm done.
Sorry for cursing.

[constance]

You are a sweetie.

We cannot change others, that is not news to us. Although their actions are frustrating, we know...and the guys who they try to impress with their silly ways, also know it is just an act. Although guys can be dense sometimes, I am sure they can see right through those girls.

[musicwithoutlimelight]

That's so stupid about your friends' two-faced attitudes. I know its not much consolation, but eventually people will figure it out when they get fat from stuffing their faces! Lol...

[Hollister76]