[[Make me perfect...]]

[DancerInTheMaking]

So things are still a little bit insane... Was doing well today until my mum started getting suspicious again. So I had 166 cals for breakfast which is not too bad I guess then lunch time she made me homemade baked beans (cos the tinned shit is SO bad for you) and a sausage. Haven't been able to get to the packet to estimate cals yet so am a little bit freaked out by that. Then it all goes wrong and I binged on cereal. Fab. Had 5 bwls of cereal, luckily it's healthy cereal so about 350 cals so could be worse. Then now I have to eat this portion of goji berries and she's literally watching me so closely. I really needed to purge after the cereal but I couldn't so went and exercised a bit instead... 500 situps so now my stomach kills.
So have to be real careful for the next few days, might not be able to come on here so often, especially with all the stuff on the news about pro-ana sites. Why do people constantly feel the need to interfere! We're not doing anyone any harm having this site up and running!!! What about child abuse or terrorism or something... why pick on us when we're doing nothing wrong. RAWR,.,.,.,.
xxx

[omnifabulous]

Yeah I agree people should leave the pro anas alone. Seriously like isnt there still a ton of people using the internet to build bombs, I know there are sites like I think even the wiki article on heroin tells you or has a link to somewhere that tells you how to make it home made. And all the missing children and stuff and pervs, there are so many other sites that need to take priority. Its like the state I used to live in the cops would hang out at convi stores and arrest 17 years olds and tell them its for there own good I was actually there once my friend got arrested 3 months away from 18 and she was with me and 2 adult guys to protect her and they said its for her own good cause there was a mugging and a rape a couple blocks away and stuff and its like.. then why the hell are you hanging out here arresting someone for buying a snack literally half a block from home since there are all these rapist and muggers.. seriously. There is no sense of priority anymore.

I am so impressed by your determination, I really need to start exercising and doing sit ups. Good luck with everything!

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks for your reply... and with this whole pro-ana witch hunt it's not even like we can really speak out against it... no one seems to listen to people like us it's too easy to label us.. it still gets me really het up!!!
You seem to be doing amazingly well, your BMI is so low!!! Jealous much? Haha.. I've always loved exercising though, even before ana when I was little I guess I over excersized! Now I'm stuck with horrendously large calf muscles cos I never stretched out properly =[
xxx

[omnifabulous]

I used to have crazy calf muscles too cause I played ddr all the time like every weekend or more for 2 or 3 years. Trust me I do not look as slim as my bmi, you have probably seen I have pictures up, you look alot smaller than I do! But I guess that is how we all think. But you do really look smaller than me that isnt ana talking lol.

[DancerInTheMaking]

Awww thanks omnifabulous... It just gets to me that although I see the numbers on the scale go down, I never see the difference.. it makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to see it, however much I lose.
The whole pro-ana thing is blowing over now thank goodness... I just have to worry about getting back to school. I really can't wait tbh cos at school I have access to the gym for an hour every day and I can getr away without lunch so it's much easier for me to restrict (fasting is out of the window atm) But I know one of my teachers has sort of figured it... but bless him he's too scared to say anything. I just don't want to deal with any awkward questions. If someone so much as mentions my weight or how I look I will lose it. oh wellllll. Got to get back there first!
getting the letter from my new doc tomorrow so that I can have some tests done, means I'll have to go into hospital for a few days so am a little worried about eating there... I mean if there's no reason for them to look for the signs they shouldn't see it right?
Have been watching old episodes of Hollyoaks on youtube.. the ones about Hannah. Pro ana is sort of mentioned in that but I sort of wish they'd gone into it more. I hate it now she's recovered. I mean she's not back to "normal" but it makes it seem too easy.. she spends some time in hospital then almost right away she's out having milkshakes with her new bf. IT DOESN"T HAPPEN LIKE THATTTT!!! ARgh it makes me so angry!
Sorry.... in serious mood swinig territory atm... Have been restricitng today and then my mum made me eat this snack bar which was 220 cals... but reallly yummy. She had a little bit so I only probably ate 200 or 180 but I'll count the whole thing anyway. So ye.. a bit of a sugar high madness going around...Anyhoo talk to y'all later
Skinny love bitches
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

I actually am this close to tears right now. This "friend" (i know, i know) has now gone and lost a stone. I'm actually about to cry.... and that she comes and tells me as well I just feel she's rubbing it in my face when she knows I have to maintain at the moment... and I've been having the worst day today... about 1300 cals according to calorie counter but I think it's more. I feel like shite and she's so beautiful and RAWr.
I WILLL lose. I have to.
Starting tomorrow. I've got a meal plan for tomorrow and I'm going to do it. This has just really got to me though. My mum bught so much binge food today the house is full of it, I just need to feel like I did last year more than ever.... I'm trapped in this cycle of needing food and I don't I know I don\t....
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Okay... hello y'all... sorry if I haven't been making much sense recently, and if you've been reading my journal and have been incredibly confused by the amount of rubbish I write, thanks for reading!!! I'm sure it's good for a laugh.
Well things are a-changing as the song goes in rather a major way. I've been told that I can't take my A levels this year because of stuff, so therefore I have to repeat the year if I want to achieve my potential and go to university yadda yadda yadda. So I'm a little stressed and pissed off by that and I haven't quite figured out how to tell my friends yet. Also I HATE the year below so yep. The people who know me best I've told and am sort of waiting for their opinions before I rush into a decision. But how shitty is that?
So, with all this going on it means that I have an excuse not to work hard on my A2 catching up shizzle... so I've been able to do my thang properly and have been really cutting down on the cals and have upped the exercise. Am on track for a 800 cal day today so am real happy about that even though I've been getting a few dizzy spells which is just annoying.
Anyhoo, thought I'd update you with the rather shitty news. What do you think I should do? I can either stay at my current school (but they'd probably want me to see the councellor and stuff which would suck but it would only be to manage stress so ya) or I change to a tutorial college which could be fab but could be even worse. There are some huge advantages to staying t my current school cos I help loads with the dance stuff there and teach a few classes now and then but it's the fact that people know me and it'll be REALLY WEIRD!!!!! Anyhoo.... your wise thoughts would be much appreciated...
Tah my lovelies
Skinny love
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Right. I'm back again!!! Today has been shite.. I've been supervised through two meals today... so it's been a disaster. RAWRRRR. That's all I can say really!
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

So... nothing much new going on here. Been going to the docs a lot, and they're kinda worried about the fact I have REALLY low blood pressure and my heart is doing weird things. The thing is I know it's probably to do with ana but I'm not going to come out and say that! They've recommended I just include more salt in my diet and drink more (I don't think I could drink much more in a day tbh) but bad side is that because my mum was there when he said that she's been feeding me crisps and salted nuts and shit. Some of it I\ve managed to hide but some of it I've had to eat. So I'm not doing so great today.. 770 and still got family dinner to go, but I should be able to keep that around 500 so 1400 for the day which is SHITE.
So really not pleased with today. I'll have to exercise loads mroe than usual tonight.
So will make meal plans for tomorrow now, and I WILL stick to it, not matter what my mum wants me to eat.
Sigh.. rents are such a hassle.
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Ciao all! Today was going not too bad but then I got stressed out and b/ped for the first time in weeks... Also turns out my great aunt is in hospital with ana... Except my mum is talking to my grandma on the phone and she's like "It's just attention seeking, she doesn't know what she's doing". It actually makes me want to scream.
My g-aunt is now at around 5 stone. Is it bad that I'm jealous? That I wish I could be at her weight, even though she's in hospital? Sigh.
Friends are getting antsy about my weight loss. And my mum cooked a huge roast dinner with chocolate brownie for dessert. So bit of a disaster really!
Comment if you want.. would be nice to hear from you.
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Ciao chicas!
Today.. not so hot. I b/p ed for the first time in about a week.... the worst part of it is I went out knowing I was going to buy binge food, and I knew I was going to do and it just felt shite... like I had no control over anything.
So to "make up for it" I hardcore restricted the rest of the day, I'm never convinced I get it all out so I count all the calories anyway. Which is just depressing.
Sigh.
Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Well today has been pretty good... although weird morning where I had a panic attack over a pear. Sorry WHAT? Never had that before... only over like pizza or something. Oh welll.
Was feeling really hungry this afternoon but turns out chew and spit works wonders for me! I felt so satisfied because I'd tasted it, even though I didn't eat a thing!
Sad times today though, the anti-depressants they've put me on almost always cause weight gain, which sucks. So I"m either going to change them or something. I don't knowwww/
But yes, cals wise today was better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be better still!
Got hospital appointment tomorrow (heart stuff) so am supposed to weigh in at 50 for that. YE RIGHT. Hopefully he won't weigh me
xxx

[DancerInTheMaking]

Grrrr.. just started my period so am SOOOO bloated it's insane. It's ruined everything cos I get HUGE sugar cravings but one good point is that I managed to get Haribo lite.. i.e. total sugar binge of 322 calories rather than the normal shit which ends up around 968. So a little triumph but I still feel like shit. I've never felt so awful it's insane I can't think of anything else... I've been dreaming about food the past few nights in the two or three hours of sleep I've managed to get...
I know tonight I'm going to jog in my bedroom for 2 hours, then do situps and weights before I sleep by which time it will be around 3 in the morning. and I wake up at 4 or 5... 6 if i'm lucky...
Going shopping tomorrow... my mum is trying to convince me to go to this huge school evnt next week which I just can't face, I don't wawnt people to see me how I look now I just look huge.
So depressed today... the only reason I got out of bed was to get fucking binge food. and then spent the rest of the day beating myself up.
Fucking pissed off I just want to fuckin lose...
RAWR
xxx

[musicwithoutlimelight]

Sucks that you're having a rough time with the bingeing! It's really hard to break that pattern of self-loathing. Believe me, I know! That's kinda what I'm trying to get out of atm! What helps me is picturing what I WANT to be, and imagining myself as that person. Then I tell myself, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, so don't give up on what you want most for what you want at the moment."

Cheesy and cliche, I know, but it helps me. Good luck with everything and stay strong!

[DancerInTheMaking]

Thanks!!! Ye the bingeing is kinda getting me down at the moment because I never used to, I used to be so in control. It's just certain things getting on top of me and affecting my eating... But I think it's starting to change now, I'm writing meal plans for each day, which aren't restricting enough for me yet but I'm doing tonnes of exercise to compensate. 600 cals so far today and no binge!!! So pleased about that... and went out as well!!!! Bought some luvverly shoes and managed to resist the sweets and chocolate so am feeling quite positive today.
I really want to lose a couple of pounds for next week, so that's the aim...
xxx