Its my life

[LadyBird]

Hey sweetie...I know about those binges, you think "whatever, one day won't hurt!" and then the next day you feel so bloated and full...yuck. But you will get right back on track with all the working out you do. Hope the weather permits you to play for 2 hours!

[*No more footprints*]

Thanks LadyBird - your comments always cheer me up!

Recently, I've been feeling a difference in my size - ie UKsize 12 is now big on me - but there is no difference in my weight. So, I did another body fat test and I came out at 15%! A 2% change in a month, So something in me is changing, at least.

Its weird, out of my two best friends, I was always the larger one, and I always thought of them as the skinniest people, and my "ideal weights". Now I weigh less than one of them, and the same as the other, but I still look at them both and think "they look perfect. why cant I look like that?" Me and my thinner friend can even share clothes now, as she is a size 10 as well. However, she admitted that she wants to lose weight, to get down to a UKsize6 (US2), and I think I want to follow her. I dont want to be the "fat one" again.

All I really want to do at the moment is reach 130lbs. I have never wanted something so badly in my life (except maybe orlando bloom )

*NMF*

[LadyBird]

Oh my gosh your bodyfat % is only 15%!!! That's incredible, I don't know mine, but I bet it's like 50%. I bet you look fantastic, don't worry too much about the number on the scale, you're losing inches and fat, not water or muscle, which is great. I bet you look like you weigh less than 130, with all the exercising you do. I understand the friends competition thing. I always feel like the fat friend, it's not too nice. But look at the stats- you weigh less than one of them, and the same as the other.

[*No more footprints*]

Hey - I've just realised I've been making a stupid (but important!) mistake.

My best friend is 5'7, and, because I am about the same height as her, I always assumed I was 5'7 too, and used that number on all of the boards and to calculate my bmi etc.

Anyhow, I had my tape measure out yesterday and I figured I would check my height - I was 5'8!!! Not a huge difference but it makes my BMI drop from 21.7 to 21, and my UGW rise to 115lbs (i want a bmi of 17.5)

So technically, no weight change, but my BMI has dropped, and there's now less to lose before I drop under the big "20" BMI mark.

Oh, and I've got prom tonight I'm soo nervous! I'll post a pic of me in my dress in a bit.

*NMF*

[*No more footprints*]

Prom went well!

Most of the girls there commented on my weightloss, which was really nice - at one point, we were hanging out in the toilets and one of them asked how much I'd lost, and if I wanted to lose anymore. I told her I'd lost 14lbs (ive actually lost 22lbs) and I wanted to lose annother 14lbs (i want to lose 28+) and she said "oh my god it looks like you've lost soo much more! And hun, where are you gonna lose another stone from? you'll be all skin and bones" well, that sort of is the idea lol!


But alas, I had no beau to dance with me last night , and most of the guys there were attached, so I ended up dancing with all the other singles in a circle all night. I ate a stuffed pepper, but skipped the chips and desert for fear of exploding out of my dress! A good thing, really - think of all the calories

I'm off to listen to some depressing music and wallow in my single status.

*NMF*

I'm all alone theres noone here besiiiide me.....

[the shmoo]

I know exactly how you feel... I broke up with my boy two weeks ago, and sometimes I am so lonely.... it's not only that I miss as a person, I miss the company!!!! I hate the evenings when all my friends are busy either with their significant others or just don't have time. and I sit on my couch, cry my eyes out and feel so alone. I'm just glad whenever I fall asleep on the couch cause that means I didn't go to the kitchen and try to comfort my pain with food...

better times will come, they must!!! otherwise I'll kick someone soon.

love, shmooi

[LadyBird]

The comment about your weightloss is fantastic!! Don't you just love those? I'm sorry you didn't have anyone to dance with, but so long as you had fun, that's what you'll remember. AND you resisted food on prom night, that's fantastic!!

[LadyBird]

So, after reading and posting in your journal, I decided to check my height as well...and it turns out I'm actually 5'7", not 5'6"!! Great idea!

[*No more footprints*]

Thanks for commenting Shmoo and Ladybird - your comments are great mood lifters!

I need my mood to be lifted right now too. I was doing soo well - 5.30 and I'd only eaten under 200 cals. Then my mum came home - the first time she's been home before 9pm in about 2 years, and decided we should spend some "quality time" together - ie munching on sensation crisps while watching the music channels on TV. I reckon I ate ~500 cals worth of crisps and it then set me off, and I ate a 70 cal yohurt, and a kiwi fruit So thats... 820 cals! AND I injured myself at netball last night, so I've only been able to do 100 situps today so far!

Time to spring into action. I'm going to do another 300 situps, then strap my ankle up and do 30 minutes of my workout dvd, then 10 minutes skipping. That should burn at least 500 calories, improve my mood a bit.

On an unrelated note, I'm really worried about my brother. He's 14, and tends to copy those around him. When he was younger he always used to copy my eating habits, and recently, since I started to eat less than 1000 cals a day, he's doing it again - asking what I ate for breakfast, making sure, if we're having dinner together, he has the exact same serving as I do, and he will eat at the same speed as me. I tend to lie to him about what I ate, to try and encourage him to eat more, because I know if I say I only ate an apple he will ensure he only eats an apple. I know its hypocritical, but he's my baby brother and I dont want him to go through the pain of an eating disorder.

*NMF*

[*No more footprints*]

The weekend went horrifically and I binged my oversized heart out, but I havent gained, which is all that really matters. I'm still worried about my lil bro, but there's nothing I can really do (apart from force him to eat!)

This week I'm doing reveal magazine's Coleen diet - 5lbs in 5 days I'm a sceptic, but I'll try anything! The mealplan looks like this

Breakfast - 1 homemade fruit smoothie
Lunch - fruit salad
Dinner - salad/steamed vegetables with protein (egg, fish, quorn, tofu)

Plus a 20 minute walk and 30 minutes of calinthesics daily. I'll keep you posted.

*EDIT*
sorry, I meant to ask this before - can too many sit ups cause too tight stomach muscles? I have been doing 200-400 daily for 2 weeks now, and although they are covered in fat, I know there is muscle in my stomach now.

This has caused 2 problems - one is that I cant slouch without feeling incredibly uncomfortable - not a bad thing, just not very nice.

The other thing is, when I binged at the weekend, I knew I would bloat, and I felt bloated, but I did not look bloated (not a bad thing) but after about an hour I got horrific stomach pains, like IBS pains intensified (think really bad PMS) It was almost as if my stomach was too big for the space it was in, and it couldnt expand because of the stomach muscles.

Once again, this isnt necessarily a bad thing - a new deterrent for binging - but I would like to avoid it again, as it really hurt.

So is this my stomach muscles causing the pain, or is it unrelated?

*NMF*

[*No more footprints*]

And today was going so well

I had done really well today, and when I got into bed, I was quite pleased with myself. Then I discovered that I couldnt sleep. Oh, and that I was rather hungry.

This was at 10pm. I succeeded in distracting myself for over 2 hours - writing a list of what I why I wanted to be thin, coming on here, the usual. Then my mum came in, and sent me to the kitchen to make her a cuppa.

Then the demon that is nutella attacked.

I dont know why I did it. I just went into automatic mode, and got it out of the cupboard, and started dipping nuts, fruit, and biscuits into it. I now feel thoroughly disheartened and am struggling to see a way back to the straight and narrow.

How can I lose weight when I cant go 48 hours without a binge?

[the shmoo]

don't be too hard on yourself, sweety, things like that just happen!!! when I usually feel the urge to just binge and eat what I want I go to the kitchen and try to block out my "inner binger" and look at what I could eat that would satisfy my needs... I usually go for sweet fruits, because although they are high in sugar, they are still better than the junk I normally binge on. I always try to keep a mango around because 1. I love them 2. they are so sweet 3. they are a cravings-killer...
but since most of my cravings are directed towards salty food, I just eat some raw veggies with a lot of salt and chili powder.

cheer up and remember, tomorrow's gonna go much better!!!!

[LadyBird]

With the amount of exercise you do, you could binge everyday and still see results! Not that I'm encouraging that, but I'm saying not to be too hard on yourself. Maybe you should up your calorie intake a bit so you're not too tempted at night....it might help prevent binges. As for your little brother, this is one case where lying to him is the best thing you can do. Talk about how delicious something is that you had at school. Like a friend brought in some cookies or something and you ate three. Hope I helped a little bit, and don't get too negative, you're doing great!

[*No more footprints*]

Thanks for the comments

Just got back from netball. Today I hadnt been too stressed about my weight for some reason, and decided to just eat a I had when I wanted to lose weight slowly (I think around 1200 cals, could be wrong).

So Its fair to say I havent been very motivated as of recent. That all changed about 30 minutes ago.

At half time, we were having our normal "tactic" talk when our coach turned to me and said "you've lost weight". She said it completely neutrally so I dont know if she meant it like "wow, you look slimmer" or "hmm, are you eating well".

I had no idea what to say. Do I say, "no, I havent" "just a little" or "yeah, I've been starving myself for a couple of months now"? But the whole team was looking at me, expecting a response, so I just went "have I?". The coach gave me a strange look and then smiled, going on as if nothing happened.

Our coach is lovely, so I decided she didnt mean it nastily, which got me thinking "if she thinks I look slimmer after 1 stone's gone, what reaction will I get if I lose another? and another?" And I thought "i have no idea, but I really want to find out!"

So on monday I'm gonna start kekwick. I did buy a pack of macadamias in preparation, but they got eaten by my mum (!) so ill have to get some more.

I wont be online this weekend, as I'm going to t in the park So expect me back on monday, like 2 stone heavier oh, the things I do for my love of music....

*NMF*

[*No more footprints*]

Hey I'm back from T in the Park!

I had a fab time, but because there is NO mirrors, it is impossible to be "weight concious", which is a blessing and a curse - a blessing because I felt normal and it was like a weight off of my mind, and a curse as I probably gained the obligatory "festival lb per day"

But I'm back! I managed 24hrs on the Ketwick yesterday, but I woke up this morning and felt sooo down that I burst into tears. My mum came in and was worried, so she brought me a cuppa, 2 sugars + milk, and made me drink it SO I'm not in Ketosis, and I know that its not like you can just get back on the bandwagon, you have to do it continually, so I'll do something else instead.

Ooh and at the festival, I met this GORGEOUS guy - about 5'11, pretty thin, chiselled, in a band, and with a lovely scottish accent (also at least 3 years older than me, at 18+, but we'll gloss over that ) he kept telling me I was beautiful, and dancing with me (he was an awful dancer ) and although I've got his number, I'm gonna leave it, because he lives in Scotland, over 10 hours away by car, 15 hours by train. But he has restored my faith in men, which has been nonexistent for the past month or two. In fact, most of the men in Scotland were lovely - complete strangers kept telling me I was beautiful, and kissing my forehead.

I officially LOVE scottish men

*NMF*