I don't want to be fat!! i don't want to eat!

[big_fat_sister]

Hey all

this is my online ana (ok, ed-nos) journal. I keep a diary on my computer with food, but there's no way in hell that i'm posting that online!! so im making this one, for all you wonderful supportive peeps if you want to read it. I think having to publicize EVERYTHING that i eat will make me more careful.

Today was really good up until about 1/2 hr ago, but i got control back, thank goodness. now, here's the dreaded list so far...
~vitamins - 40 (they shouldnt have cals )
~2 plums - 120
~7 vegetable sushis (that i made ) - 140
~ cookies*
~zucchini bread*

i wasn't going to eat the cookies or zucchini bread because they are full of cals! i purged them so im counting the intake as 200, about 1/2 of what i ate. so far it's 500 cals (gross) but dinner should be very lo cal, i think about 50 depending on if my mom makes me eat alot. i have a 50 cal salad planned to eat. then with dessert, the day should be under 800.

oh yeah, about me. im a 14 going on 15 yr old going into 10th grade, im 5'2" and weighed 110.5 this morning. yucky. school starts on the 30th so im in on the "school diet" and i hope other peeps join. im also doing the bmi contest (most lost in 4 weeks) and im going to lose but i dont care.

i am very proud of myself though. even though i ate those icky cookies (about 70 each, i did the math!) i didnt do it when i made them. i was home alone, and made 88 chocolate chip cookies without eating anythign! i faked lunch with dishes in the sink, and didnt even eat the broken cookies! i know it canceled out, but ana is making me stronger! yay!

[big_fat_sister]

waah!!! i blew it and ate a total of 910 cals!!

i ate my 50 cal dinner, but then i had ice cream, a piece of cake and cookie! that all is soo much!! im disgusting. i cant believe this.

910 freakin cals in a day!! ug. my life is awful.

[big_fat_sister]

this is wierd - this mornign my (parent's) scale said that i weighed between 109 and 112 without anything changing! i stepped on, then off, then on a few times and got like 5 diff weights!! wtf...

i also fit into a size 3 now! yay...but im still to big upstairs to wear the stuff i want. it looks gross and i get strech marks in the shirt btw my boobs if i wear streachy shirts. @#$% strechyness and genes that gave me C cups.

[big_fat_sister]

ok im so nervous/apprehensive/scared/excited about school on wed!! i picked out my outfit, which is somehting new. for the past 2 yrs or so ive always worn just t-shirts and jeans and couldnt have cared less. this yr im changing, im being more of a girl. i have these cute old navy shirts and im wearing my size 3 jeans and a deep turquoise colored shirt for my 1st day of 10th grade. im also going to buy some longsleeved shirts soon. all i have is sweatshirts which is ok but i want some good shirts to wear. old navy probably, they usuall fit ok maybe.

im practicing for school eating today - im not going to eat until at leaswt 2:30, when i get home. im going to try and wait till dinner but i dunno. i dont eat breakfast or lunch, so i go from 6:30 (and the night) until at least 2:30 during the year. i hope this year is like last yr at lunch, with all my friends, but no one noticing/caring that i dont eat.

actually someone did notice but they didnt care. they were griping b/c they only got 1 taco (they usually buy 2) so i sorta rolled my eyes and said "just wait and go back for more later!" it was awful gross to an ana girl to see the gross school food. but he looked at me and said "unlike some people here, i dont photosynthesize..." and went to buy another taco.

i guess that's sorta thinspiring, but it was awkward.

i need to go finish my summer homework now...

[big_fat_sister]

today is good so far! i havent eaten yet, and im trying to go until dinner w/o eating. i will eat then tho because tonight i have hrs of fencing practice. i cant afford to pass out or anything.

omg my little sister (well shes actually about my size but shes only 12) is wearing the same turquoise old navy shirt that i bought!! i dont want the same clothes as my kid sister shes in 7th grade!! not good...but i does look bad on her.
we wear the same jean and shirt size, apparently. thinspiring except that shes fat. we prob weigh around the same, too. im mad though, because i dont want to wear the same size as her.

i will be smaller than her!