Hell Bent on being thin and perfect!!

[MamaOf3]

Alright, so I haven't written in a while. I have been doing some soul searching and thinking. My husband sat me down for a heart to heart. He said that he is really worried that I am going to far. He's worried that I won't be around to see our children grow up and he's also worried that my problems are going to be rubbed off on the children and the might have a complex like me. All of his points are good and genuine. I try hard not to show my ana problems in front of my kids but they are smart and they see things when you think they don't. I have also been worrying before hubby even mentioned about how far I have been going. I don't want to be mentally sick about my weight. I try so hard not to think the way that I do and it only gets worse. All the famous women that people find attractive and thin, I look at them and I see their faults and that they are not thin...etc.
So I hired a trainer at the gym. We discussed what I am looking for by going to the gym. I told her that I want to gain strength, definition and tone, but I do not want to really get "bigger" muscles. I want to still be able to fit into all my clothes without them being tight because of muscles. She said that she understands and she does seem to. In the back of my head I am afraid of gaining weight and bulking up, but I am trying to give it a try. I am not necessarily trying to "recover" but I am trying not to be so bad. The trainer does a nutrition menu for me, and all of my workouts, etc. Also I will be measured regularly, weighed in, and fat analysis. So... it shouldn't be that bad. I will know what is going on at all times. She does want me to gain some weight, but I will do my best not to do that too quickly. I know that I will gain some muscle weight, but I do not want to go over 90lbs. She doesn't want me doing high cardio because I will lose weight. So...behind her back, I will do cardio to keep it up. LOL I know I am bad but I do need to be happy too. I am not sure how this will work out. Its not really possible to have the best of both worlds, right? We'll see.
Candy girl, I love ya. Thanks for worrying. I worry about you too. Please don't flip out so much, you are wonderful and doing great! I love ya.

[MamaOf3]

I haven't really blogged in a while. Not feeling too good. Been sick, I have this stupid cold. Not too much going on here. Just been in sooo much pain since my training session on Monday. I have been eating so much. Its making me sick. UGH!! I just feel obsessed with eating and such. I can't stop. I have to get control of myself. Stop emotionally eating. My husband and I have not been getting along at all. We just fight and argue and I hate this. It makes life so stressful. I don't like fighting. I want us to get along....to always feel in love. Right now I hardly like him. He is seriously getting on my nerves. And he is always putting me down. He says how skinny I am, too skinny and is constantly putting me down. Yet, he is complaining because we have nothing sexual going on. I just don't understand things. I feel so depressed right now. I just want to cry, I want to rip myself apart. Anyway...I am gonna go. I hate negative thoughts.

[Jennifer]

Is your hubby feeling threatened cos you look so amazing? I mean it must be hard to suddenly be with this gorgeous model-type person! Don't let him pull you down hun, you've done so well.

Equally though, is he worried about you? I mean I think you look great but it's a MASSIVE difference and maybe he's just concerned - men don't say the right things (god knows!) and maybe him telling you you're too skinny is his way of saying ''I'm worried about you''?

Stay strong hun, you're such an inspiration.

jen x x x x

[MamaOf3]

My husband doesn't think that I look good. He says that I am too thin. He calls me twiggy. He constantly tells me that I need to gain weight. That I am too skinny. I have no butt, I look like a deflated balloon.... etc. With all those put downs and negative comments towards my personal appearance, I don't see why he complains about no intimacy. Why would he want intimacy when he obviously doesn't find me attractive??
I went to my training session yesterday. It makes me feel good....kinda. The only way that it doesn't is because I am so weak. I feel that everyone looks at me and kinda smirks because I have a real hard time with the free weights. I feel like everyone is always looking at me. However, its working nicely. I am getting definition in my arms and legs. Not abs yet. LOL I need to measure myself to make sure that I don't get too big.
I did really well with eating yesterday. I wasn't really hungry which is amazing because for about 2 1/2mo I have felt insatiable. I hope that binge is over because I just felt like a fat cow. I want to stop eating like a cow but I just couldn't muster up the self control. I hate food!!

[MamaOf3]

Alrighty, its official... I have the flu. I have been sick for a while. Not too much of a cough or anything, but just not feeling well. Last week I just worked through it. And this week, I can't stand it. Monday I really forced myself to train. Today, I just couldn't do it. I am sooo mad at myself. I suck...I am a quitter and a woose. I was very dizzy, and I was vomiting and very weak. I was pale and crappy. I just want all this to go away, I want to keep up with this training. My biceps are crazy, they are getting tone and showing a lot of definition. I hung out with my ana friend and she mentioned them. I just wished that she and I could have worked out more and that I was sick. I HATE being sick.

[Jennifer]

you make sure you're lookin after yourself missus - vitamin tablets etc. Don't be hard onyourself - if you're sick you're sick, there's nothing you can do excpet try and help your body get better asap - unfortunately that could mean eating alittle more than you would like to but look on the bright side, the quicker yu get better the quicker you can get back to training.

Hope you get well soon hun
Jen x x x

[candy]

Mama, I'm seriously worried about you. I really think you should go to the doc. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you! Hope you are feeling better tomorrow and you get to go work out. Love you, thinking of you!

[MamaOf3]

Well, I am finally feeling better. Woohoo. And I got my weight back to normal, but now knowing that it can go up so quickly, I want to lose more. This week my trainer is on vacation so I have a chance to do tons of cardio and lose a few more pounds. I'm thinking about 10 more pounds will do it. I just got to be determined and have some damn self control. I am going to start small and just write a food diary and count up my portions. Then when I see it on paper and see what a cow I have been...that gives me motivation to do even less. Eventually I will end up with nothing. So, we will see how that works for me.

[nishi]

Mama O 3, Im actually quite worried about you. Your posts make me feel so sad

I hope you start to feel better soon, and find it in yourself to love yourself.

Thinking of you, and sending you lots of support

Nishi

xxx

[MamaOf3]

Thanks Nishi for your concern and kind thoughts. I really think that I am doing okay. I of course am like everyone else, I want to be perfect! Although, I have no clue what perfect is. I got some clothes for my step-daughter they were sizes 8-10 in girls. She is only 9 years old. Anyway, my husband bet me that I could fit into them... I didn't think that I could... but I did. They fit completely, no muffin top, nothing. That didn't make me feel good though.
My bloating is going away, but my boobs are still swollen. I HATE IT! If they are going to stay this big, the plastic surgery needs to call me so I can get in. I am tired of waiting already. Bleh! I actually think that they are swollen because it probably when I should be having my monthly visitor. I don't know... we will see if it goes away. I sure hope so! I hate being big anywhere.
I really need to get my weight down before I go back to training. My trainer Katie doesn't mess around. She really works me hard with the strength training. I am so afraid that she's gonna make me too big and not lean. My next session, I am going to have a talk with her to make sure that we are on the same page. I am paying for this.... I need to get out of it what I want.
I am just so unhappy with myself!

[MamaOf3]

WOW! Finally this week I have had a fairly good day. My bloating is going away and I lost a couple pounds. Earlier this week I found out that someone stole my bank card number and made a whole bunch of purchases causing my account to go into the negative. I freaked out because there are things I need to buy for the family and all that. It was terrible but I called the bank and finally all the money is back in my account today. Phew! My trainer called and she is back, I go in tomorrow for a session. I was able to restrict today. So.. doing ok for a today. I needed it.

Oh yeh, I cancelled my card and I got the new one in the mail today.

[MamaOf3]

You'd think being married for 6yrs the man would learn something? Ha ha yah right. This morning I was changing... I was standing there in my bra and underwear in front of a full length mirror. I looked and I was actually quite pleased with the way that I looked. My husband was there and saw me... he looked like he smiled. Anyway, he went to work and we were texting back and forth. As I have said before, he normally calls me twiggy and tells me how he thinks i am too skinny. So I asked him is opinion on how I looked this morning. I said...I actually was pleased. And he replied, I still think you are too skinny I have told you that before. BAM! Talk about hurting my feelings! Why is he with me if he hates me?

[candy]

Aww baby, he wasn't trying to hurt you he was just telling you that he still wants you to put on more weight, even if you dont' want to. He wasn't thinking, that's part of the problem! He's a boy!

I'm really happy to hear that you were pleased wth you reflection! That's great. I'm also sorry that hubby had to go and screw that up! I'll ream him out for you!

I love you!!!!

[MamaOf3]

I hate myself! I hate being anorexic! I am sick in the head. I have this wonderful family and here I am self destructing. I want to get better, I want to think healthy. I don't want to worry about my food consumption or my weight gain. I want to just live life like all the other normal people. I try to be better...but I only last 2-3 days at the most. WTF!!!!

[candy]

Love I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me to shut up on the phone earlier, it seems like you needed to rant more than I did. Call me if you need to rant too eh. Remember I love you, and I will be here for you, if there is anything I can do, just let me know.

Love you!!!