Happiness

[croire]

I've decided to start my own journal, hopefully it will keep me on track since I've been having problems with that lately. Current weight: 128. Ultimate Goal Weight: 110 (for now).

I've HATED the way I look since before I can remember. I've known my thighs were huge since first grade. Sad, but I think that's confirmation that I will always feel this way(since I have for the past seventeen years) and the only thing that makes me feel better is being thinner, making progress, knowing that at least I'm TRYING.

Anywho, I'm fasting for three days starting tomorrow. The biggest problem I'm going to be facing is that usually when I fast, I am completely reliant on coffee--with LOTS of sugar. It hit me that I'm an idiot for using sugar, but splenda and things like that just don't cut it for me. So I think I'm just going to go sans sweetener and deal with it. I don't know if I can go three days without using caffeine as an appetite suppressant. Another problem with the coffee is that I have anxiety and panic attacks, and I'm not supposed to have caffeine for that reason. But I think my anxiety would be lessened if I got somewhere with my weight.

SO until Friday, I can have: coffee without sugar, juice, water, Propel, and one DanActive per day(it helps my immune system a LOT). I also do about a half an hour of abs, arms, legs and butt exercises...not much I know but my gym closed and lately I've been afraid to run(goes with the anxiety I guess). I'm going on a trip over the weekend, leaving late Thursday night and getting back late Sunday night. I lost about five pounds on this same trip last year(LOTS of activity from morning until late at night), so hopefully it will have similar results for me this year.


Height: 5'5
HW: 139
LW(recently): 118
CW: 128
GW1: 125
GW2: 122
GW3: 119
GW4: 115
GW5: 112
GW6: 110 HOORAY. I can't wait.

I would love, love, LOVE to have achieved this goal by my senior prom, which is in May. I just want to have one dance when I can feel gorgeous and not be worrying about my arms showing the whole time. I hope to God I can. I've been striving towards this numerical goal of 110 for about a year now and have yet to achieve it--before it was just 'get thinner'. I like having a number.

[croire]

I forgot. Today I've eaten:

Five slices of Boar's Head Roast Beef--225 cal
1.5 Cups of Chicken Cheese Enchilada Soup--200 cal
A cup of apple slices--80 cal
A banana--90 cal
A cup of chocolate milk--180 cal

Total: 775 cals

There was a time when I would be happy with that amount of calories...so why do I now feel like today was a total binge??

[croire]

Day One of the three day fast! I think I'm going to start incorporating pilates into my day. I have a video, but it's not very good...I'm sure I can find good videos on youtube. I'll do about an hour's worth.

So far I have had my daily DanActive and vitamins. I'm about to have some coffee...but I have decided that realistically, I won't drink it if I hate the way it tastes. I'll be adding a little sweetener, still going to go without any sugar for now.

I'll do my pilates from 12 to 1.

[optimistic20]

i've been thinking about fasting too, sometimes i'm more motivated when i have a set strict food plan, and there's no question about what to have. anyway, good luck to you and your fast!

[croire]

Thanks! Fasting is easier for me to stick to than restricting...any food at all and I want to binge!

Today:
DanActive
vitamins
One bottle of water(should be drinking more...)
Two cups of coffee with Splenda


I'm going to finish watching American Idol, brush my teeth, wash my face, straighten my hair, and do my abs/arms/legs/butt stuff then go to sleep. Day One, conquered.

[croire]

:[ I ate.

A cup of soup, 170 cals. Ritz crackers, 80 cals. Cereal, 180 cals. A yogurt, 110 cals. Total of 540 cals, and it's only one in the afternoon.

I just...gave up. That's what I've been doing lately. I haven't been able to fast for more than two days in like three weeks. I just start thinking what's the point? THE POINT IS YOU'RE HUGE. STOP EATING. Baahhh.

[optimistic20]

don't get discouraged!!

just eat a piece of fruit or something for dinner and then look forward to tomorrow. that's the great thing about dieting and life, there's always tomorrow!

stay strong.

[croire]

Aww, thank you. :]

I'm back from my trip...I ate a lot so I don't expect to have lost any, but there was so much physical activity involved I'm pretty sure I didn't gain(other than possibly water weight) either. I'm sore everywhere, for sure. I guess running up and down mountains for two to three hours a night can do that. My ham strings are like rocks!

Not sure quite what I'm doing tomorrow, food wise. I know I'm not eating regularly, but I don't know if I'm quite in the zone to fast either. I'll see how I feel in the morning.

[croire]

I'm fasting for today. Ideally, I'd like to go for a run later but I doubt that's going to happen...I'm sooo tired.

[croire]

So yesterday I ended up having a bite of sushi, but just because I've been wanting to try it for a long time...but that's it for the day.

Today, I guess I'm fasting.

[croire]

No food today. However, I think with all the eating I've been doing my body has become very reliant on food and I'm feeling weak and disoriented. I think I may have some soup, to get me through practice.

[croire]

So I binged when I got home from practice. A bagel with cream cheese(albeit fat free)--160 cals. Tuna with mayo--200 cals. A sugar free pudding snack--60 cals. Added in with the soup(150 cals), that totals at 570 cals. Bah.

On the bright side, I'm just three pounds away from GW1. If I could just fast successfully for a few days, I really think I could reach it. Tomorrow I have a psychologist meeting, my first...and she specializes in eating disorders. :X That's not why I'm going though, but it will be kind of tricky to hide from her. BUT I don't really need energy for tomorrow. Thursday, I have practice, but it's earlier. Friday, I don't know. So I need to fast from tomorrow until Friday. I WILL SUCCEED. I CAN DO THIS. I've fasted longer than this before, why shouldn't I be able to do it now? I am better than food. I am better than calories, I am better than lipids, I am better than fat.

My body now does something that I'm grateful for. If I eat until I'm full, food comes back up, and I just spit it out. Gross, but in the past hour or so I've spit out about half a glass full of what I've eaten. It's like purging without the stress on the body. I'd say the pudding is gone and now the tuna is coming back up. Nasty, I know, but I'm glad for it.

84 hour fast, starting now. Ending 9 am Saturday morning. I will have coffee, V8 Fusion Light, and water.

[croire]

Doing well not eating. No desire to, whatsoever.

I ended up telling the psychologist about my eating disorder. Only because she asked, and I didn't want to lie to her because she was so nice. I told her about purging, and restricting and that I hadn't eaten today. She asked if I wanted help with it...I said I didn't know, and she seemed to understand. I like her.

I already feel tempted to go out to dinner or something tomorrow to do something special for V-day, but I really need to learn to find ways of celebrating that DON'T involve food.

[croire]

CW: 127!!!

I know it's just water weight, but it feels like forever since I've seen a pound drop. Two more to Goal Weight 1!

[croire]

I ate dinner around eight--it was just too tempting. So I fasted for 47 hours and lost one pound.

Bright side is, I've gotten rid of about a cup and a half of what I ate.