>>Amy's Journal<<

[wannabethin]

yeah that binge on sat was way bad, i still feel sick when i think back on it... uuurgh!
Anyway, went out on sat but not for too long.
sunday i woke up at 9 and went for a little walk and got a bread roll an a coffee to go.
got home after and ate my roll with an apple and after that i met my friend iris for tea at a cafe near my place. went for another walk through the time together after that and i got 150gr of chestnuts. low cal i think?
went for a half hour workout on the elliptical at the gym plus i went to the sauna. did me the wooorld of good
got back home and had some fennel and carrot with "fleischkäse", some kind of meat product, don't know what its called in english, but from the texture its similar to sausage. not good i know but tasty
monday i didn't feel good at all, had fever.
had my roll and apple for breakfast, brokkoli with some grated cheese and about 4 mini potatoes for lunch. feeling quite rough by then and by the evening i had 39.3 degrees C fever so iris took me to the docs and i got some meds.
feeling a little better today.
shame i haven't lost my appettite by being ill! just had a bowl of soup AND some french fries (home baked in the oven, low fat). but ipm ill and that's my excuse. hopefully eating propertly will make be better sooner!
anyway, i've decided. if i restrict well enough during the week, i'm gonna allow myself a treat at the weekend. be it a nice piece of patisserie from the baker's or just something special i fancy. might stop me from bingeing?
take care guys!

[kinxofmetal]

fleischkäs... oh my gosh...
yummi... though i ate the whole day ( am ill) ... i wanna have some right now yummi lol...
take care.^^

[wannabethin]

haha that's so funny kinxofmetal
yeah, i'm ill too.. it sucks! i've got some kind of infection, what about you?
i just watched the HBO thin. was very moving and i now feel quite depressed about it.
hope i'm not ill anymore tomorrow.
xxx a.

[wannabethin]

damn it i'm still not better still feeling really weak, can't go to uni nor to work and i get a headache if i sit at my desk too long trying to study. i'm gonna get so behind!!
i need some new food ideas.. i've been like eating the same sort of stuff the past few weeks and i'm getting sick of the taste..
it's so boring being ill..

xxx a.

[wannabethin]

still ill and still bored, gonna try and get some studying done now.
i was just out grocery shopping for lunch, i had a salad, and i was sooo tempted to buy cookies and chocolate and stuff! i really had to force myself not to. and i'm glad i didn't. bought myself a nice piece of salmon for dinner instead. hmm, what a comparison.. still feel like eating sweet stuff though, guess i'm just gonna have to stick this out.
take care guys!
xxx a.

THINK THIN!

[wannabethin]

god i must be bored! my third post today
just had my salmon and some veggies for dinner. was very very yummy, but i STILL have a strong desire to stuff my face with chocolate!! and whatever i watch on telly, it's got something to do with food. how bad is that? before they were showing something on how they make chocolate pralinés! heeeeelp!!!

[wannabethin]

so, in the boredom of being ill all alone in my flat, i decided to take a break and hop on the train to mum and dad's yesterday. it did me the world of good to have some company, but it's destroying me psychologically because as always, i can't stop eating. it's 9.20am and i've probably already had my day's worth of calories! it's so annoying.. i'm just gonna have to return to my place pretty soon, or else i'm just gonna put on soo much weight
it makes me sad though. why can't i resist it? why do i have to force food down myself each time i'm home? i wish i knew...

[BlueFriday]

It's the comfort of being home that makes you eat. My parents are pretty overweight, but they are so happy. When I go home, I just eat, like they do. Thinking that it's normal to eat so much food... then when I get home I can't believe what I've done.

[wannabethin]

do you think so?
i'm not sure bout that.. my parents are both slim and stick to proper mealtimes and eat quite healthily, with the odd sweet now and again. but when i'm home i'm just CONSTANTLY like grazing, popping anything down the hatch i can find! and i just feel so sick after
but anyway, i'm back at my place now. the show must go on!!!

[BlueFriday]

Then maybe it's because it's free at home.

[wannabethin]

maybe you're right there. whatever it is though, it can't go on like this!

anyway, today i woke up feeling really crap. i mean REALLY bad, like depressed and feeling terribly fat and ugly and all bad stuff. so i forced myself out to take a walk and while at first i just got even more depressed, because i felt all lonely and fat and whatever, when i got to the lake, i sat down and thougt about summer. i had a great time, i spent loads of afternoons/evenings there with my summer-affair (tee hee... ), it was so nice. but now the beach was cold and empty, nobody lying on the grass, it's far too cold. and i imagined what it was like a couple of months ago, people in the water, kiddies running round in the sand, hot guys playing footie on the lawns.. and suddenly i started to feel better! i texted my summer guy to say i was thinking of him and that i had lots of fun with him. then i made my way home and here i am now, behind my books studying. and i feel alot better.

so what i want to say is, if you're feeling low, go out for a walk, even if you feel terrible. it will make you feel better, honestly!
have a good day,
xxx amy

[wannabethin]

hi to anyone who still remembers me from like last year..
it's been so long since i last visited this site. i've come off this total not-eating-anymore-craze and am trying to maintain a low but healthy weight with help from the uni counsellor.
i just want to note a personal update on the current situation.
this morning i weighed 51.6 kg, that's 113 lbs i think. i'm feeling happy and confident and have a wonderful boyfriend since a good 3 months. he often compliments me and my body and that really helps me to feel good. i love him so much and i think having him takes my mind of my weight obsession a little, but not totally. i think i'll always be thinking about food and weight, but at least i'm doing something about it now.
i'm currently visiting a counsellor provided by the university. we're working on my problem, which consists of sometimes having binges and not being happy with my body. i'm now allowing myself to eat things i wouldn't have touched last year, such as bread or even the rice with the chinese take away! i've discovered that restricting only leads to binges. so i hope by allowing myself to eat, but not going overboard, i'll be able to keep my current weight and maybe even loose a little.
i think when i reach my goal of 50 kg (i guess thats about 110 lbs) i'll finally be happy. even if it's just because i've finally reached my goal.
this afternoon i have the second date with my counsellor. i wonder what will come out of it. last time she made me feel really good and motivated.

that's all for now, see ya xx

[*No more footprints*]

hey wannabethin,

I just wanted to congratulate you - you seem so happy and relaxed. Your story is very motivational and is very "happily ever after" - I love it!

Good luck with the rest of your life,

*NMF*

[wannabethin]

thanks, nmf! yeah i do feel alot better.
one thing though that's bothering me abit, is the fact that I'm losing weight on the scales (this morning I was only 50.4 kg!! but i don't really see it if i look at myself in the mirror! and last summer i thought i was pretty skinny, but i weighed more than i do now.
if anyone reads this, do you think it might have been because i was doing more toning exercises and therefore was in better shape? i still exercise 3 times a week, but it's just like 45mins on the eliptical each time plus a few sit ups. last year i was doing muscle pump twice a week. ?

[wannabethin]

well, it's been a while again..
last time i was all happy and talking about counselors. i guess i'm happy, but sometimes i still get that "i hate my body" feeling. being happy and carefree naturally put my weight back over the 54kg mark and that really pissed me off.
I think it's due to the fact that in september and october i was all over the place on english language teaching courses. i'm starting to settle back in at my flat and have started writing down everything i eat again. somehow it helps me keep an overview and be more conscious of what i eat. i guess i'm somewhere around 1000 kcals a day. with exercise burning 600 of them away this diet is leaving me feeling pretty weak. i have my final uni exam to take and can't really afford falling asleep in the library when i'm meant to be studying.. have to rethink my tactics.
anyway, just wanted to say hi to you all and i'll be peeping in every now and again.

good luck to you all!!