Greentea's diary

[greentea]

Hi:)
I'm new here, and I've planned to start a diary for a long time, but I just don't know how to start. And I feel like everything I write seems stupid..

Lately I've started to eat less, but it's hard because of my family. They worry to much.. And I often end up eating to much- and then I purge. I hate purging. And it makes me think "If I'm gonna purge, why not eat that as well?" That sucks. So I'm trying to stay away from purging, but I don't think I'll manage that..

I'm 172 cm (don't know how to write it different..)
My current weight; 111,6
Highest weight; 128 (or something like that)
First goal weight; 108
Then; Maybe 100(?)

[greentea]

Yesterday I went to Oslo for shopping, and it was fun because I could fit into size XS in jeans But I had to eat a sandwich- thing and pizza, and I purged. And I purged today to I just cant't help it.

But I've lost about 1 lb the last couple of days, not much, but I'm glad I haven't gained.. Tomorrow I'll try to follow my plan, and hopefully, I will.

[greentea]

When I weighed myself this morning, I was 49,6 kgs (about 109 lbs), and it was great not seeing that "5" anymore.

Today I don't think I have to eat dinner, and tomorrow I'l be gone all day with my friends, which is fun+ I don't have to eat that much..

[*No more footprints*]

Hey Greentea,

Congrats on getting under the big 50, but do really try not to purge - just remember, it will completely ruin your teeth!

If you do binge eat, why not try and burn the food off instead of purging?

Hugs

*NMF*

[LadyBird]

Hey, welcome to the forum! It sounds like you're doing well already, but I agree with nomorefootprints, you should really try not to purge, it's so bad for you, and in some ways counterproductive. Look how much progress you're making already, you don't need to panic and purge.

[greentea]

Thanks for commenting And thanks for the advices. You are both so nice to me:)

I haven't purged too much this week, because I haven't had to eat that much.. And I've burned some ecercising. But yesterday I did, and a bit today too (after the pizza.) I'll try to do better tomorrow, and it might work, because I'm going to the gym early in the morning.

Today I ate;
B; 2 egg whites
L; 1 apple, 5 gummibears (10grams maybe..)
D; 1 1/2 piece of pizza.
S; some carrots and grapes.

I think our scale might be broken, because this morning I was first 48,9, (108) and then when I tried again, I was 50 kgs (110)! It's really annoying.. [/quote]

[greentea]

Hi.. Today was such a bad day.. Because my mum brough me to he doctor, I didn't wanted to go, but I had to.. I didn't even knew we were going to the doctor when I sat in the car. The doctor said I had anorexia. (How can he really tell?) And my heart rythm wasn't as it should be, and I'm not allowed to go to the gym. And I have to eat bread for breakfast. I HATE bread. And the doctor said I had to be in the hospital if I don't gain weight. And I don't want to gain weight. I'm 108, but I wanna be 100, at least. I don't know what to do. I wish I never went to that doctor.. I don't want to be fatter..

And I also have my English exam this week. I'm so tired and confused..

[greentea]

I eat. I purge. I almost can't exercise, because of my parents AND the doctor. But today I have. Hopefully I'll manage to skip dinner.

Everything is so hard now. Everybody worries, and I don't want them to. But I don't want to gain weight..

[greentea]

^^Just saw that I wrote I was 172 cm, but I am 171,5 cm :p (I though I was 172..) Now I've just exerciced 35 min at my "training cycle" (don't know what to call it..) And my parents are gone tonight, so it will just be me and my sister at home, and that's fun. My sister is 12 years old, but we are good friends (at least most of the time..) We're making taco, I'll try to just eat the vegtables. I haven't lost anything since yesterday, and yesterday I only had some broccoli for dinner.. But hopefully I'll lose some more.. But not to much yet, because of the doctor-thing.

[greentea]

I'm 48 kgs(105,8 lbs) today:) (yesterday I was 107,3) Even though I eat one taco yesterday and didn't sticked to my vegtable- plan. I wished I had more willpower than that.. But I'm glad to be at 48:) And I'm happy because there's only 5 days more at school before the holiday!

[greentea]

Today I was at my sister's dancing-thing-show (it's rhytmic gymnastic or something like that.) And all the girls were so skinny.. And on the way home, I said it was unfair I wasn't allowed to go to the gym, when all those skinny girls, could exercise. I shouldn't have said it, but I did.. And my sister and I have about the same BMI. But then she said; "But I'm born like this!" I got so mad at her for saying that (she said it was just a joke, but she probably just said what she meant..) Mostly becuase she's probably right. I was born to be fat. No matter how much I lose, I'm really meant to be fat..

We were having pizza for dinner.. I hide most of it, and purged the rest. The rest of the day I've eaten healthy, but my family forced me to eat that pizza..

[greentea]

Now my parents won't allowed me to eat dinner alone.. "It's so much nicer if the whole family eat together.." Yeah right.. I know they just don't trust me. I hate eating with family, and mostly with my father. He sometimes throw things ang get really mad if I don't eat what he think is enough.. I hate it when he is like that.

And my grandmother bought me this big baguette-thing for lunch.. I ate some of it, then I purged. Then I took 1/2 ballerina cracker and a bite of a muffins. Then I purged again. I just can't stick to my plans these days, and I hate it. I was supposed to stop purging, but instead I do it more and more..

Intake;
-youplait 01 youghurt with blueberry taste- 60 kcal
-some bites of a baguette, one bite of a muffin, 1/2 ballerina cracker- purged.. (?)
-100 grams of water melon- 37 kcal.. +water+tea..
And I haven't even had dinner yet.. I'm disgusting:(
[I've exerciced about 10 min at my sycle, and runned up and down the stairs and stuff, walked 15 minutes.. That's all..]

[greentea]

*allow- not allowed (my english is so bad when I don't juse microsoft word or a dictionary or somethig..) I'm having soup for dinner by the way..

[greentea]

I have two grandmothers. One of them has always though I was a little skinny, the other one has not. I remember her telling me when my super-skinny cousin (who is one years younger than me) when we took a bath, that I wasn't at skinny as I used to, just slim, not skinny, she said. At that time I was only 8 years old, and I've never forgot about it.

Today my grandmother said that she had said to the other grandmother (the one who think's I'm fat) that she was concerned of me beeing skinny, and then she had said. "Are you crazy? She is not skinny at all. I don't think so. And I've always been ver skinny, and so has my son, you know..." etc. And now she was sad that she said so. Oh. I hate it. It's not funny when people says things like that. And when I'm with them, I always feel fat, because she compliments my skinny cousin for beeing so skinny, telling about how skinny she was when she was younger etc. And my grandfather always makes jokes about me eating much (which I don't, at least not compared to my cousin and my sister and them..) Last year when I had been on vacation with them, I cried and was sad when I came home, because I felt so fat and disgusting..

I know I'm not skinny, but I hate it when she says stuff like that... And in the other hand, I wish everybody around me was as unconcerned as she is..

And the grandmother who don't thinks I'm fat, worries too much. I know she does it to be nice, but she's like; "Would you like an ice cream? Or a chocolate? Or a milkshake??" And I'm like; "No thanks.." And she just gets really mad at me, and says she is so sad and stuff like that.. I feel sorry for her, but she's overreacting. And besides, it's not healthy eating all that stuff every day..

[greentea]

46,8 kilos today. Wish it wasn't that 0,8.
I visited the doctor today. Again. And I hate it. I have to take another blood test (don't know what to call it), and he was overreacting about me losing a kilo (really 2, but his scale said one more because I drank a lot of water, wore heavy clothes etc.)

My mum, my grandmother and my father are so mad at me. I hate it. My mum is just very sad, my grandmother just cries as I've ruined her life by losing that kilo, and my father is like "NO MORE OF THAT BULLSHIT! You're gonna gain!" I hate him so much.. And I hate the fact that they tell everybody..

I'm crying now. I don't know what to do. I'm so mad and confused.. Everybody are mad at me, and I hate it.. I'm looking forward to next year, when I turn 18, and I can move and not having them telling me what to do all the time..