Freja's Journal

[Freja]

Hi,

After stumbling on to this site a couple of weeks ago, I've been trying to keep up with most of the journals. It's very inspiring, not just the weightloss, but to for the first time in my life feel like I'm not alone when it comes to these issues. I've posted in the ED recovery room as well, because deep down I just want to be normal (whatever that is). And I was on the right track a couple of years ago.

When I was very young I had an illness which kind of fucked up my relationship with food (at least that's what I blame it on, but maybe I would've been like this anyway). I've always hated food, so it's quite ironic that I stopped starving and started bingeing in my teens. Anyway, I'll try not to go on too much about my past. Basically I haven't purged for about six years, which I'm very proud of, it was around then that I started getting better. Though I started bingeing again pretty soon, I sort of kept it 'under control', by exercising and restricting for a couple of days after a binge. So I stayed about the same weight for a few years, between 55 and 60 kilos.

About two years ago I lost my dad, we were very close, but I didn't really know how to deal with it, so I just tried to keep really busy and it worked really well, except my eating habits got more and more chaotic.

About six to eight months ago I started getting anxiety attacks, it makes me feel incredibly stupid and pathetic, I really like to be in control (don't we all), have always been a 'high achiever', at work and at uni. Anyway, when the anxiety was really bad for a while I lost heaps of weight (which secretly I was very pleased about), then I had som therapy and learnt to control it better, and of course slowly put the weight back on.

I don't know if I'm primarily here to lose weight, though I always want to lose weight, but I still want to eventually learn how to eat normally. But for now, well I want to try to find a weight that I like better, and anyway food just makes me uncomfortable, I don't want it but at the same time I have to have it, if it makes any sense? And panic attacks often come on after I've eaten, don't know if it's related, but I really have to get rid of the anxiety, it's been getting worse again lately, it makes me so tired, and I'm so busy at uni.

Sorry for this boring and depressing intro, will try to sound more positive in the future, I'm aware that at the end of the day I have so much to be grateful for.

Don't know if anyone could be bothered reading this, and there's so many journals on here already, I'm not expecting comments.

Anyway, I weighed myself Sunday just gone, I thought I was 55 kilos, hadn't weighed for a week and turns out I was 57... But I've been restricting since and I'm back to 55 (121 lbs) now. Don't know what my goal weight is, whatever makes me feel better. By the way, I'm 165 cm (5'5").

Also, I want to thank everyone for having the courage to put your thoughts and progress (and fears) into words on this forum, and inspiring me to do the same. Thank you. x

[Freja]

I should be writing an assignment right now, which is why I keep coming back here... I found this link (here) to a website where you put all your measurements in and it tells you how healthy your body is. Well, my BMI is 20, and according to the BMI measurements I would have to put on more than 12 kilos to be officially overweight. HOWEVER, this website takes bone structure into account, and told me that because I have a 'slight' bodyframe (i.e. not 'big-boned'), I would be overweight at 60 kilos. So basically I'm only five kilos away from being OFFICIALLY fat. So clearly the fat thing is not just in my head. Not that I really thought it was, I mean I do have a mirror... But I was going to have 800 cals today, thankfully I'm only at 500 so far, and it's nearly 5pm here so I can stop where I'm at. Will do some more work then go for a walk.

[Freja]

So I woke up this morning (it's about 9am here) feeling very light and empty, and then I stepped on the scales. I've put on half a kilo. How is that even possible, when I've been so good all week? Well, I don't have time to worry about it, got a major essay due on Monday. At least when I'm writing assignments I can forget about food quite easily. Just end up smoking too much instead. Don't know which is worse.

Anyway, will have a positive day. I do enjoy writing essays, once I get in to it. Also, my boyfriend will be out tonight, so definitely no dinner. Though, bless him, he never questions what I eat or don't eat. If I say I'm not hungry he thinks I'm not hungry, and I obviously only binge when I'm alone.

[Freja]

Went to the shop to buy some bin bags and came back with:
A muffin
A pack of chocolate caramel biscuits
A tub of cookies and cream ice cream (only single serve - 125 ml - but it's full fat and I'm scared to look at the calorie content...)
A tub of yoghurt
- And bin bags

I've hid the chocolate biscuits under the bed. Not sure what to do with the muffin and the ice cream.

[Freja]

It's Saturday morning here, 9.30am. Yesterday was not a great day, food wise or in any other way. This essay I've got due on Monday, my supervisor expects me to qualify for an essay competition, and I have a hard time dealing with the pressure I put on myself as it is (got a B once and cried - pathetic). So basically I've scrapped everything I've written and I'm starting all over again. I know I can do it, I just feel so uninspired.

And so, to the eating part: I ate the icecream, and one third of the muffin. This weird thing has been happening since the anxiety started, sometimes I just can't eat. Tried to force myself to have the rest of the muffin (why?) but I couldn't. Later I had three of the biscuits and the same thing happened. I suppose it's a good thing, in the past I would've easily been able to eat all that junk in one sitting. But the worst part is I threw the rest away. I feel even more guilty throwing food away than eating it, cos I feel like a spoilt, ungreatful bitch. I'm so lucky to be living in a part of the world where I don't have to starve. When I used to b/p, I was talking with a few of my colleauges once and one of them said she thought bulimics were the most ungreatful people in the world, wasting all that food when people are starving. I felt like such an idiot (though obviously they didn't know), but of course I don't want to be like this, but I don't know, it just seems so wrong.

In the evening my boyfriend came home before going out, and ordered pizza. I told him I didn't want any, but he ordered my favourite. I had one slice and 1 & 1/2 piece of garlic bread. And then I had an anxiety attack. Obviously the stupid food just makes me feel like crap, so I should just stay away from it.

Went for a bike ride this morning for about an hour. And I haven't put on any weight, so it's ok I guess. Will have a great day today. I'll finish my essay and there's absolutely no junk food in the house. Not that I feel like it anyway. Food makes me sick, I hate it.

[Freja]

Ok, so I'm probaly starting to sound really stupid... I hate food. So why this compulsion to eat it? When it only makes me feel guilty, sick, and edgy. Can someone explain it? My boyfriend went shopping this morning and now there's this huge block of chocolate in the fridge. I keep going back to stare at it.

I wish I could just go back to a couple of years ago when my life was starting to resemble 'normality'. Well, I still thought I was fat, but, you know, it was starting to bother me less. And sometimes I could just have a normal meal and enjoy it.

Think I will go and look at the chocolate some more... Sometimes I really think I'm going insane...

Will go for a walk. And then finish essay. Which is turning out to be complete rubbish by the way.

[Freja]

It's Monday morning here. New week, new beginning.

I watched the Eurovision Song Contest last night. It's aired a day late here so I already knew who won, but I just like watching it. It reminds me of when I was little. And some of the acts are just hilarious. As I found myself laughing at the TV I realised that I haven't laughed properly in ages. It felt so good, and for a while everything seemed just fine. So I realised I really have to start finding things I enjoy again, because for so long now I haven't felt like doing anything. I never go out, I just can't be bothered. And I'm living abroad, I miss my friends, but I haven't really had the energy to make new ones over here. It's my own stupid fault, but anyway. So, my goal for this week is:
1. Be happy.
2. Be grateful and remember all the things in my life I should be thankful for.
3. Laugh more.
4. Stop worrying all the time.
5. Study more.
6. Go out, even if it's just for a coffee.
8. Exercise every day (exercise releases endorphines - and of course will also lose weight quicker.
9. No bingeing (and no pathetic failed attempts at bingeing either)
10. Lose at least 1 kilo, preferably 2. I'm still at 55.5 kg, so I'm aiming for 54 by Sunday.



So, that's it. Wish me luck.

[Hopelessly]

Just read through your journal Freja and i think you're a wonderful person and even when you're down you still manage to have a positive outlook!

i know what you mean about the essay, i have one due in a matter of hours and its not done yet i usually binge when im stressed but this time for some reason i feel so sick with worry i cant eat. even when im starving i force myself to eat something and it just makes me feel more sick, its a vicious cycle! but hopefully i'll lose some weight out of it at least lol.

anyway best of luck with your essay, pm me any time if you fancy a chat.

[Freja]

Hopelessly (De)bloated, thank you so much for your comments and kind words, it really means a lot to me. Despite the fact that we're all here because we're pretty messed up, and I wish we could all just wake up tomorrow and be happy, in the meantime there's some comfort in knowing there's other people in the same situation...

I handed in my stupid essay today, it's a piece of crap, but nevermind, I have two more to go.

Had a fairly good day otherwise, caught up with some people at uni I haven't seen for a while. I really will try harder to socialise a bit, I just don't have the energy.

Had about 700 cals today. I was actually aiming for a bit more, I need the energy on the days when I'm at uni all day, but I just couldn't eat anything else. Food is just not agreeing with me at the moment. Well, on the upside, the weight should fall off a bit quicker! Got home pretty late though, and only managed a 30 min walk. Doesn't really qualify as exercise, but I'll do better tomorrow.

[crystallinegreen]

Hey! I thought I would write you a quick note, I can really relate to some of the stuff youve said, especially with bingeing...also with the way you feel about food just now.

I started fasting a week ago and now Im even more obessed with food, I went shopping at the supermarket and I wouldnt buy anything with more than 100 cals in it, I dont know where it came from but I cant stand the triple figures and I just cant bare the thought of putting it in my body!

Anyway, Sorry for hi-jacking your journal drop me a message or add me to msn if you like. Well done for being strong, keep it up!!

xxx

[Freja]

Crystallinegreen, thanks for your support . Every kind word and every bit of encouragement makes a difference, believe me.

Right. Still haven't lost any weight, probably due to the lack of exercise, was going to go for a run last night, but it was pouring down. Excuses, excuses... But the sun is shining today, so will do better tonight.

Feel like I've been neglecting my boyfriend lately (more than usual - I'm a pretty crappy girldfriend to be honest), so I decided to cook a proper dinner last night, so we'd get a chance to just sit and talk for a bit. I wasn't planning on eating much myself, didn't even think I'd feel like it, the way I've been lately, but we were talking and having a really good time, and I didn't even realise what I was doing until my plate was empty. But, I'm not stressing about it, because it was worth it just spending some time together. And it also means I don't have to worry about eating dinner with him for a while again (don't get me wrong - I love his company, it's just the eating part...). In the end I ended up at 900 cals for the day, which is actually ok, cos my maximum limit is 1000, and it just means I'll restrict more today. And I have the perfect motivation, since I looked fatter than usual this morning. I truly hate my bathroom mirror. I wish we had one of those small ones where you only see your head. But it's a rental flat, and the big mirror on the wall is part of it, so... Anyway, I'm feeling positive today, and it's going to continue; I was really starting to bore myself with how down I was feeling last week, and over the weekend. Sometimes I wish someone would just slap me in the face and tell me to get over myself. But of course, that would require someone in the 'real' world to actually know what goes through my head, and that is not exactly an option. So I'll just have to slap myself once in a while (figuratively at least).

Anyway, better do some work.

[bella]

Hey, I had to read through your journal because your words were so helpful when you commented in mine. First, I bet your essay was amazing for clearly you are a talented writer. I find it comforting too that there are others that have a funky relationship with food, I horde it myself...i have two year old Halloween candy! We're all a little...well, ya know, just know we'll be here to support ya! Hope you have a good (guilt free) day!

[Hopelessly]

Just poppin in to say hi freja!

Glad you got ur essay done, i got mine done just barely - now just one more and a dissertation lol! im sure you're friends will understand if you dont see them too often, its hard tryin to study, see your friends and see your boyfriend not to mention worry bout your weight! there aren't enough hours in the day!!!!

hope your jog went well, you'll be fit and skinny in no time! thinking of you.

[Freja]

Did over an hour cardio last night, but it’s raining today again, so we’ll see… I used to go to the gym, but it’s so time-consuming, having to get there and back, but now that winter’s here (I’m in Australia), I might have to start doing it again.

Hopelessly (De)bloated and Bella, thank you so much for your support, it really helps me trying to stay positive, but damn it, this bloody anxiety is doing my head in! The more frequent my panic attacks get, the more I end up walking around in a constant state of anxiety, mostly, I think, due to the fear of having an attack in public. I can’t remember last time I had a proper night’s sleep, and while I can deal with being tired, it’s really starting to show, I have huge black circles under my eyes. I’m sorry I’m complaining so much, just having a bad day I guess, but I need to get over it, and really, it could be so much worse. I have been considering, though, giving therapy another try. I went twice last year, at a place which specialises in anxiety and depression, and I learnt some relaxation techniques which really helped, but it’s not working any more. I should go back, my psychologist was a lovely woman, but when she started asking probing questions I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was extremely discomforted by my reaction to her questions, how much they terrified me. It’s stupid, I really should just do it, and face whatever my devious mind throws at me. I’m just finding it hard to accept that this is happening to me, that I can lose control like this. I mean, the whole ED thing has always been a part of my life, and while I recognize that it is a weakness of a sort, I guess I’ve come to accept it. And like so many other people here, when I manage to restrict for a long period of time it makes me feel strong, not weak. But, anyway, I’ve always had control over every other area of my life, and the way that seems to be slipping now…I don’t know, I just feel so bloody pathetic. I just want to fix it.

To anyone who’s reading this, so sorry for rambling on, but this is my only outlet….

Anyway, food wise I’m doing ok, really don’t feel like eating much, but what ruined it a bit was all the coffees I had yesterday. I can’t drink them without heaps of milk, and even if it’s skinny milk and I don’t use sugar, it adds up… Really have to find a solution to that, if the lack of sleep is going to continue. It’s a shame energy drinks are so bloody disgusting, since there are a lot of sugarfree ones around now. I’m just not big on any kind of soft drinks. I do drink a lot of green tea as well, but it just doesn’t wake me up the way coffee does. Hmm.. I just thought of something… maybe if I stop drinking coffee all together, I might be able to relax a bit better, which might lead to more sleep which would in turn mean that I wouldn’t really need the coffee anymore….But how do I keep myself alert in the meantime? Any suggestions are welcome….

Ok, didn’t mean for this post to be sooo long and so negative.

Tomorrow is another day.

[Freja]

It rained for most of the day yesterday, I only managed a 45 min walk last night, on my way home, but it's better than nothing I guess. Studying at home today, so last night I stayed up as late as possible so I would be really tired when I went to bed, and I got a whole six hours sleep! Yay! Feel so much better today. Just went to the fruit and veg market and got a rockmelon and some strawberries. I love strawberries... And I'm working a 10 hour shift tomorrow (I work in a pub), so I'll need plenty of fruit to keep the energy up. Will go for a bike ride in a minute. Also, I'm going to a gig tonight and providing it doesn't rain I'll walk there, it's about 4 km I think. Plus I just vacuumed the flat and did some general cleaning, so a pretty active day.

I've managed to fight the urge to step on the scales for a few days, because I really want to see a difference on Sunday. I do feel a bit lighter, but yesterday I tried on a couple of tops in a shop, and in the changing room mirror I looked absolutely huge! So I don't know, but fingers crossed...