Freja's Journal

[LadyBird]

You have so much willpower, you made a cake and didn't eat any of it?? Amazing!

[Freja]

Thanks, I just wish I could have the same kind of willpower when it comes to chocolate, lol... Yesterday was another good day though, but no change this morning, still 51.8. I really need to stop weighing myself every day, but since I got my new digital scales I've become even more obsessed.

Going to the cinema tonight, always a good distraction from wanting to have dinner...

[nickytml]

i weigh myself every single day and it annoys me sooo much. its always on my mind - i cant not go into the bathroom in the mornin and weigh myself. if i am up a bit of weight or havent lost anything at all in ruins my whole day! i get so upset. but its so hard to stop doing. but eventually u see a change.. u just go to hang in there

[LadyBird]

I know how you feel about the scales. But I find that if I go a day or two without weighing myself, I start to worry that I've gained weight! It's crazy, but I start to fear the scale, even if I've had good, low cal days.

[Freja]

LadyBird, I know what you mean. When I was home recently I wasn't able to weigh myself for three weeks because my mum's scales were broken. I was constantly stressing about it, and I'm completely incapable of telling whether I've gained or lost just by looking in the mirror.

Nothing interesting to report otherwise. Walked to the cinema and back, about 6 km in total. On the way home I got so dizzy I nearly fainted, very annoying, so I had to slow right down. I know it's nothing to worry about, I have low blood pressure plus got a bit of a cold at the moment, and I was very hungry. It just pisses me off, it's been happening quite a bit lately. Anyway, was still the same weight this morning, don't know why my body seems to like 51.8 so much...

[nickytml]

good job on a 6km walk maybe ur dehydrated? do u drInk enough water/fluids?

it is very frustrating stayin at one weight.. just keep at it and stay strong! u will see the scale move

i can never tell if i have lost weight without the scale either lol

[LadyBird]

Dizzy spells do suck! But in a way, you know you're doing something right! A 6km walk is great exercise, you're doing so great, keep it up!

[Freja]

Don't feel like I'm doing great, but thanks... I have been really good all week, but the fucking scales won't budge. I hope I haven't reached some kind of 'comfort weight', where my body wants to stay... It's just so frustrating, even though I haven't gained either, I feel fatter every day. I'm just so sick of this... Sorry - bad day. And I can't afford to spend so much time and energy on this, it's my last semester at uni and I'm trying to get into a degree next year for which I am not really qualified, so it's so important that I keep my results up, but this is the most difficult part of my course with twice the amount of work I normally have. Plus I'm starting a work placement with a human rights organisation in about a week. I really, really need to stay focused, but all I can think of is how fat and disgusting I am. Sorry, I'm not fishing for sympathy, I just needed to vent... Fuck, I probably just need a good night's sleep. I've nothing to complain about really, I've put myself in this situation, and to be honest I think I probably crave the stress, I reckon I'd go a bit crazy without it...

Anyway, just have to keep at it and remember that if I burn more cals than I eat I will lose weight eventually. It's simple science.

Well, better get stuck into my books now...

[nickytml]

yes simple science it is lol but there is always a hidden secret science haha

sorry to hear ur stressing hard, but u can do it! u are a very smart girl i am sure - just stick to it!

u will make that scale budge soon enough hun, keep it up

[Hopelessly]

Hey Freya sweetie congrats on getting back on track! you are so strong it unbelievable!!!!! missing you!

[Hopelessly]

You have done so well already, i mean you're back to 114!!!!! i wouldnt worry too much about being at that weight for a bit, it prob means your body is just gearing up for the next stage of weight loss good luck with your placement, sounds like you're gonna have a hectic week!

PS Forgot to tell you that the Irish under my ticker basically means "A little bit tastes just as good." - ie don't make a pig of yourself Hopelessly lol. i thry to live by that rule but sometimes it just slips my mind......

[Hopelessly]

Yay you're back! hurry up and post what you've been up to

[Freja]

Well I was in two minds about whether to start my journal again but I miss having somewhere to vent. I never really went away, just stopped posting. I was so happy when I first found this site, it felt like coming home. But I've been struggling with the, I guess, moral side of it. I'm turning thirty this year, and while on a good day I've come to accept that I might never have a normal relationship with food since I don't know what that is, I can't justify encouraging girls as young as half my age to starve themselves. So I guess I'm a fucking hypocrite since I'm posting here once again. But like I said, I miss having somewhere to vent. So there it is. Feel free to judge me, I sure do.

Hopelessly - good to hear from you hun. Here's an update, I'll try to keep it brief:

Finished my degree - and already started another one. I was really busy last semester but it was fun too and I did better than I thought I would so all in all it was really good.

So - about food and weight and stuff: Another reason why I stopped posting was that I went a bit mia again for a while, and I just felt so disgusted with myself. But I couldn't keep away from the binges. In the end I worked out a new system. Basically it's my way of trying to be normal. And it sort of works. Which is another reason why I haven’t been posting, I've not really been trying to lose massively for a while, just maintaining at 50 kilos (110.2 lbs). I started exercising more, about two hours a day, and Monday to Friday I eat around 1000 cals, and on the weekends I'm allowed to binge - as much as I want. And believe me, I do. It's disgusting. But it works, sort of. I'm not purging and I'm not gaining weight, though I'm not losing either.

So that's it really. Don't know exactly where I'll go from here. I keep telling myself that 50 kilos is ok, if I can stay here I'll be fine. But another part of me keeps saying - You've come this far, you should keep going! And then I remind myself that years ago when I weighed less than now I still wasn't happy so what's the fucking point?

I'm also getting really sick of people commenting on my weight. Why is it always ok to tell someone they've lost weight or that they look thin, but if I'd put on say five or ten kilos no one would dare say a word. I hate it.

Wow, this turned into a pretty negative post. I'm actually feeling rather good right now. I'm visiting my mum for a few weeks and have caught up with lots of old friends which has been great. And I haven't gained any weight despite the holidays - at least I think not, my mum's scales are a bit dodgy.

Ok, that got a bit longer than I intended, but anyway. A big hug to Hopelessly and anyone else who might read this.

Freja xx

[Jennifer]

Don't feel guilty hun, at the end of the day you're not promoting anything, you're just keeping journal of how you feel. I'm 24 and i knwo what you mean about encouraging the younger members, but they're here for a reason too, nobodys forcing them to take any notice of ya ( ) at least they're not alone!

Maintaining at 110 is great, nice and slim but not too skinny, sounds fab!

Glad you're positive Keep it that way

Jen x x x

[why]