Freja's Journal

[nickytml]

Hello just read ur journal.. and u are doin great so far i seriously find it easier to not have a big binge today or even a binge if u allow urself to eat throughout the day.. just make it healthy stuff - u can eat a lot of healthy stuff and keep it between 500-800. obviously the exercise is the hard part.. i struggle with that cause i work outside in teh sun all day cutting grasss, so after 12 hours of that i am dead tired. i keep sayin i will exercise - but u actually do it

its awesome that u have everything planned out, it is much easier to stick to things when u do that. and if u get more social it will make u happier and hopefully take ur mind off things - im not one to talk, i mean i do go out lots, but i am addicted to this board it is the greatest help anyone could ask for.

[Freja]

Thanks for your comments hun! I have to say though, it's easy for me to exercise since I mostly sit on my ass the rest of the time (studying). With a job like yours, you probably get a really good workout just from being at work! And, yea, planning what I'm going to eat in advance and spreading it out throughout the day really works the best for me. I usually don't have more than 100 cals at one time, which means I'm rarely very hungry, and it helps me not getting dizzy as well.

So, update for today: It's just after 10 in the morning here. Followed my plan perfectly yesterday. And - the jeans I tried on a week ago which were too tight about a month and a half back, and which fit just right last week, were a bit loose this morning! Wow, it feels so good. To be honest, I don't actually see much difference when I look in the mirror, there's still so much fat everywhere, but it's always like this, I never really know what I look like...

Anyway, have to get started on an essay now.

[nickytml]

glad to hear ur stickin to ur plan hoepfully the rest of the day goes as well for u

i totally agree with not seeing any difference.. this month i have lost 11 lbs.. but i dont see any dfference at all. everytime i look in the mirror i still see a fat ass blob with huge hips and love handles

[Freja]

Went slightly over my planned calorie intake yesterday. Not by much, though, and on top of my planned exercise I walked to the supermarket and back, which is about 20 mins each way, so it should be fine. Going to a birthday party tonight, and I'm already agonizing over what to wear. I know I must be slimmer, I've lost weight and my clothes are bigger, but I feel so fat. I just want to go out and have a good time and forget about all of this for a while. And I haven't been out properly for ages, so I really want to dress up a bit... It's funny, I've a pretty modest dress sense, I guess, never wear anything tight or revealing, but every so often I buy myself a nice top, for going out, and it's always something tight or low cut, and I never end up wearing it. I have all these little party tops in my wardrobe that I'm way too self-conscious to wear. And it's not just about feeling fat, I just don't like people looking at me, whether its for good or bad reasons. I don't know, I just get really annoyed when people comment on how I look, even if it is to say I look pretty, or I've lost weight or whatever... I don't mind so much if it's friends or family, or my boyfriend, they're just being nice, but I just don't want people to care what I look like. Which might seem a bit weird, considering how obsessed I am about my own appearance.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off on a crazy rant. I'll just wear something I'm comfortable in, even if it's boring.

It's my official weigh-in tomorrow, but since I cheated and weighed myself the other day, and I'd already lost since last weekend, I'm trying not to expect too much. Another 1/2 kilo would be nice though....

[Freja]

Had kind of a strange night... Went to a friend's birthday party. Did really well avoiding temptations. I only had one glass of wine, even though I'd included two into my calories for today, just drank diet coke after that, which probably wasn't such a good idea since I'm now wide awake in the middle of the night. Someone ordered heaps of bar snacks, bread, dips, lots of deep fried stuff etc, but I wasn't even remotely tempted. Anyway, was talking with a friend of mine and this other girl, about body image, etc, well, I didn't actually contribute to the conversation, just listened, mesmerised. And my friend, who I've known for about two years, told us she used to have an eating disorder, and how it's messed up every relationship she's had, and how she was always worried she was too fat (she is absolutely gorgeous by the way). I had no idea, though admittedly we're not that close, but I was amazed at how honest and open she was about it. The other girl agreed that it's very hard to constantly be faced with society's pressure to be thin. I sort of nodded in agreement as well, and then - and this is the weird part - she looked at me and went: 'But you're so skinny'. And my friend said 'Yes, she is'.

It was so bizarre, I just started laughing. And then I felt incredibly self-conscious.

I don't know what their idea of skinny is, but I do have a mirror.

I was so sad to hear about my friend's eating disorder though, but I got the impression she has pretty much completely recovered. I certainly hope that's the case. For a split second I kind of wanted to say something, to let her know she's not alone, but, I'm a coward. I don't want anyone to know. Especially not since I've more or less accepted being like this, and I feel pretty good now that I'm restricting again and being in control.

Fuck, I'm pathetic. But I don't really care right now. I'm losing weight and I'm happy. A true definition of a vain, self-centred bitch.

I should probably try to get some sleep now.

[Freja]

Weigh-in today. Lost another 1/2 kilo, so that's one kilo in total this week. At this stage I'm quite happy with that. So, I'm at 53 now (116.8 lbs). I would like to get down to 51 by the time I go home in three weeks, which should definitely be possible. I've exercised a bit more this week, which has probably helped. Today I will plan my calories for the next three or four days, it will be between 500 and 700 I think, and then I'll post it here again to make sure I stick to it.

[Hopelessly]

Ah i'm a perpetual giver-uper, hope i can manage it this time for the sake THIN!! 2 days down, the rest of my life to go

Seriously, you lost a whole kilo in one week???? omg thats fab! im jealous of you girlie bet you look fab!

PS: Don't be so hard on yourself, just cos your happy with your weightloss doesnt make you vain!!!! you should br proud of what you've achieved! im proud of you anyway even if you cant be proud for yourself

[nickytml]

cool to hear that ur friends think ur skinny

i wouldnt talk about any of this stuff wit my friends either.. i keep it to myself, and do it all secretely. i really dont care what other ppl think either, as long as im happy, and if i need to loose weight to be that than i am perfectly fine wit it. we willl be skinny

[Freja]

Thanks girls, you're so sweet...

It's hard not to feel vain, though, when there are so many more important things in life than being skinny. I read about three or four different newspapers on the net every morning, partly because I need to for my degree, and when I see what other people have to go through in different parts of the world, this obsession with weight and appearance becomes absolutely ridiculous in comparison. I'm not criticising anyone else here, this is just how I feel about me and my never-ending quest to be skinny. Having said that, it's not like it affects anyone else, or my performance at uni or anything, and I do accept it as being a part of who I am. And the kick I get from seeing the numbers drop is so amazing. Whatever makes us happy, I guess.

Hopelessly, two days is more than I've managed in years, and like you said in your journal, it's the first few days that are the hardest. Keep going girl, think of how great it will be to be skinny AND ciggarette-free!

OK, now down to business. Will post my planned calorie intake for the next three days, so I won't cheat. Each day includes between 45 mins and 1 hour cardio, plus some toning. So:

Today: 565 cals.

Tuesday: 793 cals.

Wednesday: 660 cals.

Will try to make a plan for Thursday and Friday tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, I just made this delicious smoothie in the blender: 10 strawberries, 50 ml skinny milk, 1 tsp sweetener and some ice. Came to about 70 cals. It's yummy!

[Freja]

Good day today! Finished my second-last essay for this semester last night. It's not great, but at least it's done. When I stepped out of the shower this morning I caught a glimpse of my back in the bathroom mirror, and my shoulder blades are really starting to look very prominent. Just wish I could do something about my horrible tummy, but I know there are no shortcuts or magic tricks, just plenty of cardio and toning. It's just a little disheartening knowing from experience that even at a much lower weight than I am now, I always have a bit of a tummy. It's a genetic curse, most of the women in my family have the same body type. Except for my sister who has a beautiful hourglass figure which looks great at any size. And she's taller than both me and my mum. But, I guess I've just got to do the best I can with what I have - i.e. lose more weight! And I figured I should probably decide on a reward to keep me going. So, if I can manage to get down to 51 kilos (112.5 lbs) by the time I go home in three weeks, I will buy myself a new bikini. I've had the same boring black one for the last two years, so I'd love to get something summer-y and colourful!

[LadyBird]

Hey, I just read through your journal and want to tell you how amazed I am with the progress you've made. The difference from when you started the journal until now is incredible- it makes me feel like I could get down to 116, which would be great! I'm so happy for you, and I'm positive you'll make it to 112 lbs in the next 3 weeks, you are sooo motivated!

[nickytml]

i think goin to get a new bathing suit would definetely be a reward! i wouldnt like to see myself in a bathing suit anytime soon thats for sure

but u are doin amazing keep it up and u will be at 112 in No time at all

[Freja]

Thanks for your kind words girls , I wouldn't agree that I've been doing amazing, but I suppose I've been lucky getting a fairly steady weight loss so far...

On that note, seems I can't stay away from these unofficial mid-week weigh-ins. And I'm almost scared to put this in writing in case I jinx myself, but - I've lost another 1/2 kilo! I don't know, it's probably just some weird fluctuation... Logically I should be hitting a plateau soon. But, hey, I'll take it for now!

Nicky, I don't like the idea of myself in a bikini either, but it'll be summer in Europe when I go home, and I will spend a lot of time by the sea (mostly in the water I hope, lol). And hopefully if I'm at 51 kilos by then my tummy won't be as massive as it is now...

So, weight today: 52.5 kilos ~ 115.7 lbs (hope it's for real!)

Calories for the next three days:

Thursday: 685

Friday: 740 (might be a bit more if I have a glass of wine)

Saturday: 846 - On top of daily cardio I will be on my feet all day at work, so need a little extra energy.

I realise that to some people I might be eating quite a lot, but all I can say is that if I restrict under 500 I will eventually binge - a lot. This way I keep my cravings at bay, and it seems to be working.

Oh, more good news: I haven't had a panic attack for over a week. Yay!

[Freja]

Hmm... I'm still at 52.5 kilos today. Really thought it would've gone back up to 53. Have to try not to weigh myself for the next few days.

I saw a thread earlier asking what BMI people are aiming for. And I've started thinking about how low I'm going to go this time. It's been many years since I've had such good, steady progress (apart form when I lost weight from anxiety last year), and I feel so in control, happy even. I've deliberately not set myself an ultimate goal weight, since I've never been satisfied at any weight in the past, I just figured I'll wait and see how I feel. I know some people can look great with a BMI of 16 or 17, and I know that below 50 kilos my tummy isn't quite so horrid, but at the same time at 18 (BMI) and below I tend to look a bit sick, since I lose weight quickest from my face, neck and upper body. The thought of having to stop at some point and start maintaining always scares me, since when I start eating more I eventually lose control and start bingeing. Honestly, I don't know why I'm worrying about this now when I'm still so fat. As long as losing keeps me happy and in control, I'll stick with that.

Anyway, good day yesterday. Lots of cardio and toning. My abdominal muscles are very sore, I love that feeling!

[nickytml]

115 would be amazing! U will look fine in a bathing suit hun – when do u leave for Europe?

Your calorie intake has been great the past few days. It’s a good way to think hun, cause I totally agree that if u eat more than 500 calories than u wont have as much of a need to binge.

And soo happy to hear that u haven’t had a panic attack in a week. That is greattt news

I often wonder the exact same BMI question.. what do I want lol well ideally I’d like a veryy small number lol but I have a feeling that it will sill be awhile before I even reach my ‘goal’ - but who knows maybe when I get there I will still feel the same way I do now and keep goin wit it. Especially if I can stick to it. I just hate stopping as well – cause than I am just goin to gain weight. And that is not what I want at all

Congratz on a good day, u got lots of exercise – I had a long ass 13 hour day of work so that meant lots of exercise for me too