Freja's Journal

[Freja]

Yea, frozen mango rocks! Also doing frozen rockmelon (cantaloupe) atm, not quite as yummy, but fewer calories...

Have been so busy with uni the last few days and unfortunately haven't had much time to exercise. I've gotten used to two cardio session per day, plus weights/resistance, but I simply don't have time anymore. I've got to work something out though, the scales are not good to me even though I've been very diligent food-wise.

Funny story... I was standing in the bathroom at uni today, drying my hands under the airdryer. Out of the corner of my eye I caught my reflection in the mirror and for a split second I thought 'what is that on my arm?'. Then I realised it was my bicep, lol... I've certainly not become massively buff or anything, but I've not noticed my arm muslces like that before unless I've really been flexing. So it felt kind of cool...

What else? Oh, I probably haven't really mentioned this much (since it's a bit gross) but my stomach has been really fucked on and off for quite a few months. When I went to the doctor in January he said it was because of my anxiety and prescribed me antidepressants (which I didn't take). But I think I've finally discovered the problem. I've been eliminating different foods to see if there would be any difference and the conclusion is that I've become very sensitive to dairy. Which isn't surprising I guess, most people are to some extent, and according to my mum I couldn't digest it properly as a kid, though I don't remember that specifically since I could hardly eat any normal food when I was little (stomach condition). Anyway, as far as I'm concerned it's great news since my two main binge foods are milk chocolate (blocks of ) and ice cream. Now that I know it makes me sick I don't want to eat it anymore. So, yay! Will try not to binge on soy ice cream instead...

[constance]

At least you discovered what was giving you the problem! That is a very good thing. I was milk intolerant as a baby too and had to be given soy milk. However, I grew out of that and I do not seem to have any problems with it at all. I am hoping I do not develop it later on though!

Very cool about seeing your bicep. Thin but strong/healthy looking is very nice indeed! I know what you mean about having the time to do the exercise....I was rocking the last two days because I was home and did not have to leave the house. Today, if I do not get it done this morning, it will not get done. I have a lot of running around to do and those days usually throw me out of schedule. I am going to try though. Maybe you can do crunches or things like that in your room. I know it is not the same as the gym, but at least it is something and it will make you feel better.

In any case, hang in there!!

constance

[Freja]

Well, I'll just get through the next week, got a presentation and a major essay due, and then I'll try to re-work my schedule a bit to fit in more exercise. I don't actually go to the gym anyway, so I've still been able to do most of my resistance training which I do at home, it's just that I can't fit in 2 hrs cardio atm, I'm lucky if I manage one. But I came in well under my calorie target again yesterday, I'm so tired in the evenings it really kills my appetite, and my cravings. However, since I've promised my self to start having more of a social life, I'm meeting a friend for dinner tonight. Should be ok though, I've factored it in to my calories. It's just that last time we went out a few weeks ago, she complained that I barely touched my food and said I was getting a bit too thin. The thing is though, restaurant portions are absolutely huge, I mean even if I was eating 'normally', I wouldn't be able to finish those kind of meals. I may be able to stuff my face with chocolate, but normal food I can't keep eating when I'm full. Anyway, I don't think she's really worried, and we're not that close. I've told her I'm just not a 'big eater' and I think she pretty much believes it. Besides, I'm certainly not getting too thin, I think different people just have different perceptions of what thin is. After she told me that I actually told my ex (who was still my boyfriend at the time) what she said, and he said I definitely don't look too thin, and he's not one of those guys who has a preference for skinny girls (well at least that's what he's always told me, lol). Anyway, at the end of tha day it doesn't really matter whether the rest of the world thinks I'm too fat, thin, whatever. It's all between me and my scales. Sorry for rambling on... Better do some work now.

[constance]

[Freja]

Thanks Constance.

I have lost absolutely nothing this week. My body seems to be defying science. Realistically I should've lost about a kilo. Normally this would tempt me to binge but I don't want to. However, I posted in someone elses journal about how to best break a plateau, so I should really follow my own advice. Which is to up my calories for a day or two, and increase my workout intensity. So, scary thought, but I will have 1200 cals today. I actually had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and the rest of the day will be fresh (and frozen) fruit, veggies, rye crispbread, and soy milk and some chicken for protein, which I don't get nearly enough of in my normal diet. Then tomorrow I will have about 1000 cals, and then under 500 on Monday. Hopefully on Tuesday or Wednesday I will see some results.

[constance]

Sounds like a good plan, Freja....best part of it is not giving into a binge!!

So, although you did not lose any weight, look at this as a victory...
you didn't gain any weight & you didn't binge.
You are still in control because you formulated a plan
and you are following it.

It is all good!!

constance

[musicwithoutlimelight]

It's so infuriating how our bodies just defy physics sometimes! Like when you add up the numbers in your head, but it doesn't translate to the scale for some reason, or when you gain weight even when you KNOW you haven't consumed an extra 3500 calories!!!

But, perseverence pays off! Or so I'm told, lol...

[Freja]

Thanks girls. It was a good plan, if I'd stuck to it. Well, I lost some, and then put some weight back on again. I just keep losing and gaining the same two kilos. I am so sick of this. I'm so bloody sick of thinking about food and calories every day, of freaking out if I have to eat something I can't weigh and therefore don't know the exact calorie content of. And then if I do take one step out of line it's always 'fuck it', and then I'm off on a massive binge. And I'm so sick of my self-worth being measured by a number on a set of scales. Seriously, it's fucking ridiculous. No one else gives a shit if I weigh 49 or 50 or 51 or whatever. They probably can't even see the difference. I had to read a book for uni this week which was completely out of my field. I found the terminology and the language generally quite difficult, and my supervisor had even told me not to worry if I didn't get through it because he had found it hard. But I got through it, and not only that, I understood everything (with some help from the Oxford English Dictionary, this is my second language after all...) and was able to summarise it in my own words, which is for me a sign that I've got something, and than I will remember it. And it felt so good. I mean, I know I'm doing well, I get straight As, I win prizes etc, but it's only pieces of paper. Most of the time I feel really stupid and like people expect me to be a lot smarter than I am, and when I open my mouth they get disappointed. I'm not clever though, I just work my ass off. So today felt like a victory for me, and I was starting to feel like I will really be able to handle the MA I'm starting next semester. So - my point is that these are the things that matter. And of course my family and friends. My weight is irrelevant. So why the fuck does it consume me?

Anyway, I'd had enough so started a fast today. I haven't fasted in years, literally, and I get dizzy so easily I'm usually pretty useless on a fast as far as I can remember. But I need to stay away from solid food, so I can stop thinking about it. So I decided to do a 'protein-shake fast' in order to be able to function. Which means twice a day I have soy protein powder mixed with soy milk, fruit and ice in the blender. And the rest of the time it's water and tea.

Well, it's 6pm here now and doing ok. Managed 1 hr cardio and about 20 mins toning in the morning, plus a walk this afternoon. Got a bit dizzy from the walk but otherwise no problems. The protein shakes have about 250 cals each, so they're helping me function.

I don't know how long I will keep going, I haven't decided, but every day completed is a bonus, because I'm not expecting to last very long before I cave.

I have to get down to 49 kilos, and then I will start thinking about how the fuck I'm going to stop this behaviour. My food issues started as a child, due to a stomach condition, and then evolved to something psychological, so I don't really remember a time when I had a normal relationship with food or my body (whatever the fuck that is anyway, I mean who does, really...). But at times it's been better. I have to find a way to change my mindset. But first I need to get below 50 kilos, just so I can relax a little.

Yes, I know I'm whinging and I need to get a grip. I'm sorry for being so negative. Honestly it could be so much worse. I've got a roof over my head, I don't have to starve (yet ironically I want to), I have so many other things to be grateful for. I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm going shut up now. I'm not fishing for sympathy here, just venting.

Booked my ticket back home to Europe yesterday (another big chunk of money added to my student loan *shudder*). I'm leaving, for good, in the middle of June. I will try to use the time around family and friends positively, to keep busy and try not to think about food. All this time I'm spending on my own here is probably not healthy, even though I like it. Then when I start my degree in September I'll be living in a new city where I don't know a single person. I'm looking forward to it. But it's a bit scary as well. I need to sort my head out before then.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

[constance]

Freja, I hear and understand your frustration!! I just wrote something similar myself in my journal. You are a success in what you do...a great student. A hard working student is the best kind. Diligence is 90% of the battle. I was always an honour student in school, but I did not have to try. As a result, when I went off to university I quickly realized that more effort was needed. However, I was not really interested in putting in the effort! lol I did, but it was so much more work in my mind. My husband, on the other hand, was always an average student but was very determined and diligent. He has 5 degrees and his doctorate, but I only have my BSc and part of my Masters completed....his diligence has paid off and he is better for it. Be of good cheer because you have what it takes!!

You are right....family, health, friends, life is so much more important than our weight. How we fix our brains to understand that, is something that eludes me. Our weight is not the be-all and end-all that we make it out to be. I think we need to affirm ourselves and our accomplishments in our minds. We need to remember where we are successful and that our success has nothing to do with the number on the scale. We can feel good about ourselves for so many reasons beyond that number. Let's talk ourselves into that!!

*hugs*

Hang in there girl.

constance