Freja's Journal

[Freja]

Well, I braved the scales this morning... I've only lost about a kilo, so I'm at 54.5, roughly. It's a bit hard to tell, since our scales are ancient, I have no idea where we got them from, but I wouldn't be surprised if they're older than me... Wish I could afford to get digital ones, but I'll have to make do. I was hoping to have lost a bit more, but on the upside I haven't felt like bingeing all week, which I put down to the fact that I haven't been restricting as severly as I sometimes have in the past. I've only had one day under 500 cals this week, mostly it's been between 500 and 800, and 900 one day. So maybe I'll have to reconsider that, but at the same time, if this eating plan will keep the binges at bay, it might be worth it in the long run. I don't know, I'll have to think about it.

[Freja]

Fuck, fuck fuck! Sorry, forgive the bad language, but my boyfriend just walked in to the study while I was typing the previous post. He always knocks first, but he just flung the door open and went 'Busted!'. I quickly clicked over to another site (I always have a few open at once, should this kind of situation ever occur), and asked him what he meant. Turns out he was just joking, but then he got all suspicious. He's just left the house to go shopping, but I'll definitely have to be more careful in the future. I don't even want to imagine his reaction if he found what I'm doing. He knows I had an ED when I was younger, (though not the extent of it, and how early it started) but thinks I had 'recovered' long before we got together. It's not a complete lie, I'd stopped purging by the time we met, and I was trying really hard to get better. He knows I still have a not quite normal realtionship with food, which I guess is why he never questions what I eat or don't eat. And we're both very independent, and don't see each other much even though we live together, so it's not that hard to keep my eating habits from him. But I also haven't dropped below 55 kilos for the whole time we've been together, except for last year when my anxiety was really bad. But he knew that was the reason (even if it wasn't the only one) and he was very understanding and never pressured me to eat. And I figured if I manage to keep this up this time, and finally lose a lot of weight again, I would just blame it on stress, etc. Well, honestly I hadn't thought that much about it, about what I'll say. And anyway, I'm so far from skinny at the moment, I don't really have to worry about it for some time... But if he found out about this site, and about my journal.... I'm probably overreacting. It'll be fine.

[Tina]

Dear Freja,
have read through your journal, and it seems like we struggle with some of the same problems. One year ago I had my first panic attack, and since then I've maybe had two attacks a month. As with you; they're related to eating.
I've read a lot of self-help books, and now it's pretty much under control. The clue is -for me- not to fear the attack. If I open up to it, and accept it for what it is; it goes away much faster than when I fight it.
Thank you for writing about it, that made me able to do the same. In a way, it makes me so weak, and that's the last thing I wanna be.
It seems like you're doing very well food wise.
I wish you well, keep going, stay strong.
Tina

[Freja]

Tina, thanks for your support and your advice. From reading other people's journals, it seems quite a few of us are battling anxiety/depresson as well as eating disorders, which I suppose isn't really that strange... You know, yesterday I wrote about how terrified I am of my boyfriend finding out about this forum, and about my journal, and the reason for that is I don't think he would see past the term 'pro-ana', and all the negativity associated with that word for a lot of people. And I don't think he'd be too happy about the fact that I talk to people I've never met about things that I can't tell him. But that's the thing - how do you explain to someone who doesn't have a clue what it's about? And how do you make them understand that you're not ready to attempt a 'normal' life yet? How do you explain to someone who thinks you're 'perfect' that all you see when you look in the mirror is fat? Since coming on this forum I no longer feel like I'm completely insane or abnormal, and even if things are never going to change, if I am never going to change, well, I'm kind of ok with that, on some level. I suppose that's a horrible thing to say, but what I mean is that having had this distorted relationship with food for as long as I can remember, by actually accepting it, it becomes easier to deal with. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know. I would love to be able to eat 2000 calories a day and not care. I would love to never get the urge to eat the whole content of the fridge in one sitting. But, it is what it is, and at least when I'm restricting I feel in control, and feeling in control means feeling happy, and at the end of the day that's what it's all about isn't it? Happiness. Sorry if that logic seems really warped, but there it is...

Well, that's enough philosophical rambling for one day.

[Freja]

I feel like I should write something since I haven't updated in a few days, but there's nothing much to say, really. I haven't weighed myself since Sunday, it's really hard to fight the urge to step on the scales every morning, but I want to see results, so I'm trying to leave it for a few days. My jeans feel looser though, which is a good sign. Still no binges either, I'm staying on the same plan as last week. I'm finding it surprisingly easy this time around. And it helps that I'm so busy at uni at the moment.

Oh, and I had a massive panic attack in the cinema last night. Very embarrassing. Well, I don't think anyone really noticed (except for my poor boyfriend who had to watch the rest of the film by himself), it was a very violent film so anyone who saw me leave might've just thought I was a bit sensitive to blood and gore, but still... Pathetic. But it'll get better I'm sure, once semester is over and I can wind down a bit. Anyway, I'm not complaining, just venting I guess. All in all things are pretty good right now.

[Freja]

Hmm... Had an interesting conversation about food and weight with my boyfriend this morning. I tried on a pair of old jeans that were a bit too tight on me about a month ago, but now they fit quite well. Anyway, I asked him if he thought they gave me a muffin top (something I am extremely paranoid about).
Him: You're joking right? No way! You should know that.
Me: Yes, but they used to...
Him: Yea, I noticed you've lost weight.
Me: That's a good thing right?
Him: You know I think you're perfect. But I also know how happy it makes you when you lose weight, I just don't want you to get sick.
Me: Well, you know I haven't had much of an appetite lately, so I figured when I do eat I should eat something healthy, you know.
Him: That makes sense. And if there's one person I know I can trust with these things it's you, since you know everything there is to know about food and nutrition.

Funny, I'd never thought of it like that. Whereas some people would consider it unhealthy behaviour to know the calories and nutritional value of everything that goes into your body, he sees my extensive knowledge about food and nutrition as something positive. It feels really good to have that support, that he doesn't think I'm crazy. And you know what? I think he's right. Unhealthy was when I was bingeing and purging. Restricting is a much more balanced way of eating, and I do make sure that what I eat is not just low cal, but nutritious as well. Granted, he's not aware of my daily calorie intake, but I guess the point is that he doesn't question me because he trusts me, and he wants me to be happy.

So, a very good start to the day! And hopefully the scales will move a bit on Sunday! Fingers crossed...

[Freja]

Well, I've only lost half a kilo this week... So I'm at 54 now. Not too happy about that. I haven't gone above 800 cals all week, and I've exercised every night. Plus yesterday I was at work all day, running around, and then I walked home (about 2 km I think). So I probably need to shake up my routine a bit. Eating-wise I can do that, but as far as exercise goes, time is the big issue. I've got two essays left, and then exams, and that's really where my focus has to be... I'm not really sure what to do. But I'll start by trying to have a high calorie day today, about 1200, maybe a bit more, to kickstart my metabolism. Still don't have much of an appetite, but it should be possible if I eat different food. And then tomorrow I'll try to restrict under 500, and then try to vary my intake from day to day for the rest of the week. This week I ended up on about 600 or so cals pretty much every day, so not much of a variation, and I want to see if that was the problem. Also, Thursday, Friday and Saturday next week I'll be studying at home, which means I can exercise both in the morning and at night. I've thought of getting an exercise dvd as well, since it's starting to get pretty cold outside, so if anyone's got any suggestions, that would be great!

Anyway, hopefully next week will be better. Wish me luck!

[Freja]

Just walked around the supermarket for well over an hour. On the one hand food shopping really freaks me out, and I often end up walking out of the shop with nothing, but at the same time I love walking around and looking at all the food. Sometimes I put things in my shopping basket that I know deep down I have no intention of buying or eating, but I walk around with it for a bit and then put it back. Today, in the end, I walked out with some dried basil and tea bags. I remember when I used to live on my own and I had these really bad binge sessions. I would go to the supermarket and spend heaps of money on the most disgusting things, and go home and sit in bed by myself and just eat, all day. I feel sick just thinking about it. And a bit embarrassed. It's the sort of thing I would never dream of telling anyone, but here I guess it's ok.
Anyway, I'm really happy because I finally found some dandelion tea! I've been looking for it ever since I read crystallinegreen's grapefruit and dandelion tea tip. So, I'm having a cup right now, and it tastes pretty good. But I'm having massive sugar cravings. It's ok, I won't give in, but I haven't felt that for a while. I really feel like going for a walk, to get my mind off it, but it's pouring down outside. I really need to get an exercise dvd. I think I'll put some music on and dance around the flat for a while. Always feel like a bit of an idiot doing that, but it's not like anyone can see me....

Hmm...since I started this present period of restricting I haven't really had the urge to binge once, which is amazing, but today I'm starting to feel my resolve slipping a bit. I'm so tired all the time. I really, really, really wanna keep it up though. I will do it. I guess it's just been a bit too easy, since I haven't had much of an appetite lately. But right now I want sugar so badly. Chocolate. I'm a little scared...

[Freja]

Ok, so I fucked up yesterday. It was bound to happen eventually I guess. I gave in to the sugar cravings and had:
Six squares of chocolate (there was no more, thankfully)
One tub of nestle diet chocolate mousse
Half a container (175 g) Greek vanilla yoghurt (full fat)
Total: 438 calories.
And then I had a slice of toast with canola spread and low fat cheese. Can't blame that on sugar cravings. 158 calories.
So, 596 calories in total. Fuck. It might not seem so bad, but I'd already had all my planned calories for the day. So now I ended up at twice the amount I was supposed to have. But, it could've been worse. I was just going back to the kitchen for more toast when my boyfriend came home. Seeing another person jolted me back to reality.

Didn't exercise yesterday either. I was so tired. It's a crap excuse I know. But today is a new day, and I feel motivated again. Amazingly my jeans were a little bit looser this morning, despite yesterday's slip-up, and the planned higher calorie day I had on Sunday. But I might get it tomorrow... Anyway, no more mistakes. I was getting too confident, I suppose. Relying too much on my lack of appetite. On the upside, though, I didn't have a panic attack after I'd eaten all that bad food. I really have to see that as a good thing. Don't want to rely on anxiety to help me lose weight.

Today will be a good day. I can feel it.

[Decadence]

Hey hun,

Don't worry, we all have slip-ups.

On Prom night, i spent the after party devouring 2 bags of M&Ms. Not like a bag out of a vending machine, but like a party-size HUGE mother Fing bag. I felt like such crap...

...then we went to ihop in the morning.....

It was terrible. But, you know what? Why dwell on it? we can't make it go away by being angry and kicking ourselves... so why not just accept it and say, "Ok, I slipped up, so here's what I'm going to do tomorrow..." and just fix it?

Good luck babe, don't be so down on yourself Slip-ups happen, but one day will not ruin all your progress. Weeks down the road, it won't even matter; you probably won't even remember it. So dont' stress.

Skinny vibes
-Deccy

[Freja]

Thanks sweetie, you're absolutely right. It won't matter in the long run, and I didn't eat enought calories to actually put on any weight. Funny thing though, I forgot to write it before, I had a dream last night that I woke up this morning and started to binge like crazy. When I actually woke up for real and realised it was just a dream, I felt so good. Yesterday's binge seems insignificant compared to what went on in my dream... It didn't really even qualify as a binge, not by my old standards anyway. But those days are behind me (I hope).

Anyway, thanks for the support. It really helps!

[bella]

Hey, I think it's funny that you and I had a bad eating day on the same day, only I think my bad eating day was a bit worse, it involved going out to eat and a few glasses of wine. Oh well, today is a new day. I had 840 calories today, which means that I burned off 593 without even doing anything. My goal is to eat 840 again tomorrow and 900 on Thursday. I know to some people that may seem like a lot, but I usually have about 1400. How was your day? Tomorrow will be hard they're ordering out at work (ick). How are things with the boyfriend? My husband knows I post here, but I can't say he's really happy about it. What do you think he would say if he found out?

[Freja]

Well, my day has only just started, it's not even midday here. But so far it's been good, and I feel motivated again today. I've planned my calories, exactly what I'm going to eat for the next four days, and there's no more bad food at home, since I ate it all, lol... To answer your question, my boyfriend would most certainly be very upset if he found out about this forum. Mostly, I think, because he would feel betrayed. He's never been judgemental about my eating habits, and he knows I've had 'issues' for a long time, he also knows I used to be bulimic before we met. But he thinks I'm a lot more 'recovered' than I am, and he doesn't know the extent to which I was starving myself in my childhood/early teens. Having said that, I think he would understand, on some level, but he would probably feel betrayed because I discuss these issues with 'strangers', rather than with him. Also, he thinks my recent weight loss etc is due to stress/anxiety, he doesn't know I'm restricting on purpose. He doesn't think I need to lose weight, but at the same time, he doesn't seem to mind...

Sounds like you're doing well with your diet, by the way. I know it's hard when you are faced with social situations that involve food and alcohol. But from reading your journal, you seem to always even it out really well, and one bad day won't ruin a diet. I'm quite lucky, as I don't have much of a social life at the moment, lol. But I'm going home in a few weeks, big family, lots of dinners, bbqs, etc. I've been trying not to worry too much about it, I'm so glad I'll be seeing my family again, but I have to lose as much weight as possible before I go, because it will be impossible (and quite rude) to avoid every single family dinner.

[Hopelessly]

hey freja pet!

sounds like you're the activity queen from where im standing lol. good luck with your weigh-in!

[Freja]

Thanks, hun!

I actually cheated today... I'm not supposed to weigh myself until Sunday, but I got too impatient. Anyway - I lost half a kilo! And this despite being on my period! So, 53.5 kilos, that's about 117-something lbs I guess. It seems too good to be true, maybe I'll be back at 54 tomorrow, but I'll enjoy it while I can!

Due to my 'little' slip-up the other day, I decided I will post my planned calorie intake for the next few days. Even if no-one ends up reading it, it'll make me feel like I'm being held accountable and I'll be less likely to deviate from my plan. So:

Yesterday: Planned to have 660 cals, but only had 590 - swapped my afternoon skinny latte for a diet coke. It worked ok, will try to do that in the future as well. Went for a 5 km walk last night.

Today: Will have 671 cals. Did 15 mins skipping (bloody hard work!) and 20 mins strength training this morning (it is now 11 am). Will go for a 30 min run or a 50 min walk tonight, depending on what I feel like.

Friday: 805 cals. Includes dinner with boyfriend (home cooked). Has to be done once in a while, and it makes him so happy when I cook. 30 min run in the morning and 45 min walk in the evening, plus 15 mins strength training.

Saturday: 730 cals. Includes 2 glasses sparkling wine. Going to a birthday party in the evening, and I so rarely go out, I decided I will allow myself a couple of drinks. It's at a bar, though, so no risk of extra food. Providing my boyfriend has fixed the tyre on his bike (mine got stolen) will cycle for one hour. Otherwise, one hour walk.

Sunday: Will do same thing as last week, a few more calories to hopefully increase my metabolism. Haven't decided what I'll have yet, but it will be between 1000 and 1200.

So, that's it. Feeling very motivated due to my weight loss!