Freja's Journal

[Hopelessly]

Omg i cant believed i've ben away while you were going through all this!!!!!! look fuck those two kilos, you are going through an incredibly hard time right now and i know from experience that if you don't look after yourself and give in to your body a bit the stress will make you ill (of course in my case it was the smoking that put me in hozzie combined with the not looking after myself.) Totally understand what you're going through, PM me any time, day or night. xxx

[Chani]

Sweety, you are goind thru so much right now.....i've never been a smoker, but both my parents are. And i know how hard it is to quit smoking when you've done so for half of your life. as you say, it's so much more than just an addiction to nicotine. it's connected to so many social things in your life (parties, dinner with friends etc) and so many other habits like, as you mentioned, drinking coffee. so i really, really admire your strength.
And a break up on top of that is very hard. Eventho you know it's the best thing to do, it's still a difficult process when you've been together for so long.
a few years ago my BF and i split up afer almost 7 years. and eventho it was for the best, it still hurt like hell. And i was the one to break up, so that doesn't even matter much.
i hope everything turns out to be okay with your health, or that the doctors can at least find out what's wrong within a reasonable timeframe. i can imagine that not knowing what might be wrong is very difficult on you.
So hang in there sweety. and eventho your whole life is turned upside down, you are taking good care of yourself, exercising, eating healthy foods. so pat yourself on the back hun!!

[Freja]

Chani and Hopelessly, thank you so much you girls are so sweet *hugs*. And I know that you both know so well what this situation feels like. I've been feeling a bit isolated since splitting up with bf as my family and most of my friends are on the other side of the world, but coming on here and reading your posts kind of felt like a 'cyber-hug', if that doesn't sound to weird, lol...

It's all a bit up and down. Had a big fight with the ex the other night and it left me feeling like we'll never get through these months until I leave, but we decided to give it one more week and see how we feel. It's all so strange, I don't know... So the reason I had to go to the doctor and so on - well that's a bit obscure as well. I had to have a full medical a few weeks ago in order to renew my student visa. Part of the routine for these examinations is a chest x-ray. I had one a few years ago when I first applied and it was fine. But this time they found a spot on one of my lungs. So I got sent to this other clinic where they did more x-rays but couldn't say what it was. I was tested for some infections, particualrly TB, but that came back negative so that's good. So the elephant in the room here is of course the horrid c-word... It is extremely unusual for someone my age to develop lung cancer, even after smoking for as long as I did. But they can't rule out a tumour at present. Although I don't know if they say that more to cover their backs, you know, if they said it definitely isn't a tumour and then in a couple of years I get really sick... Anyway, it's probably nothing, the most plausible theory is that it's a scar from an infection I've had in the past. And I did get very sick with a chest infection a few months before Christmas. So I just have to wait now basically, and have new x-rays done in a few months to see if there are any changes. The thing is, I feel great, physically, so I'm not even going to allow myself think about it in the meantime. It's the sort of thing that'll only give me heaps more panic attacks, and anyway I'm glad it gave me an incentive to quit smoking cos I feel so much healthier now!

I know it probably seems like my life is a bit of a mess right now, but I actually feel pretty good. I'm doing some subjects this semester to prepare for my MA in the autumn and it's very interesting stuff, and I'm also really looking forward to going home at the start of June and spend the summer with my family and then moving to the UK to study. I have a feeling it's going to be a great year. Have been doing really well with food and exercise this week as well, but the scales are moving slowly. However, I think I may actually be building some muscle(!) . I've been doing quite a lot of resistance and weights for the last couple of weeks, and after I stepped on the scales this morning and got quite disappointed I noticed in the mirror that the gap between my legs looked bigger. So I took my measurements and it turns out I've lost 2 cm off my thighs! The only thing is I'm a bit confused now because I've always been a slave to the scales, that's always how I've measured my achievements, so what do I do now exactly? I mean, I do want to continue getting leaner, but at the same time I'm scared I'll somehow lose control if I don't have the scales as a yardstick. Although I suppose if I build some muslce that should help me burn more energy, so I'll probably start losing again soon... I guess I'll have to give it another couple of weeks maybe.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[Freja]

Ok , so a little clarification: in the post above it sounds like I lost 2 cm off my thighs in two weeks. I don't know if that's even possible. The measurements I compared with were from about amonth before Christmas (I don't measure very often, I know I should cos the scales are evil, but anyway...). But then I was 51 kilos, and it's relevant still becasue I have pretty much maintained for the last six months, around 50 kilos, sometimes going up to 51. And I know I was 49.5 about three weeks ago, but then I quit smoking and binged myself up to 51.8 . Now I'm back down to 50.6, and the loss is slower than it usually is when I eat and exercise like I've been doing since I got back on track. So that's why I took my measurements. And even though I'm only 0.4 kilos lighter than when the last ones were taken, my thigh circumference has shrunk by 2 cm. So it's probably not only due to the last week or two. I did start upping and changing my cardio prior to that as well - I've been doing exercise dvds a few times a week and swimming as well, on top of my normal running ang cycling routine. But I think the weights and resistance I started doing about two weeks ago has really had an impact. Anyway, this is all not very interesting, I know, I'm just sort of trying to figure it out for myself...

[Freja]

Ex broke down the other nite and told me he still loves me and misses me heaps. So now it's all fucked up. I'm so confused. I miss him like crazy too, but at the same time all the reasons we split up are still there. We're going for dinner tonite, I guess we'll see how it goes. Why can't it just be fucking simple?

Massive binge yesterday. I don't know where that came from. Still feel sick.

[Jennifer]

2cm in any length of time is great progress Keep it up hun.

Good luck with the ex. It's so hard when you've still got feelings for someone but you have to be sure things can change otherwise you'll end up miserable. Let us know how it goes
Jen x x x

[constance]

It *is* interesting to note that the resistance training and weights have made a difference...it encourages me to keep doing it and do more!!

Thanks for that!!

constance

[max]

If life were simple.. I dont think this forum would exist. Plus life might be kinda drab dontcha think?!

sorry about the Ex situation. I'm still in love with mine, and I know itll never be "right"... luckily he's no near me so its easier to resist. It's hard though...nothing is easy when it comes to the heart. Chin up, and make sure you don't ignore your instincts.

[Freja]

Life would indeed be boring if it was simple. And yes, if I had nothing to whinge about none of you would get to hear me whinge and that would just be terrible dull, wouldn't it?

Constance - glad I could help! I used to be too lazy to do weights/resistance on top of all the cardio, and never kept it up long enough to see any results. So it's great to know that I actually am capable of toning up, just have to make sure I keep at it and not get discouraged by how it messes with the scales...

Jen and Max - you are both so right. I know that if I don't feel it 100%, and if he doesn't either, it'll never work. I just don't know what the fuck my instincts are trying to tell me because I seem to change how I feel about the situation from one day to the next. Which is probably a sign in itself... Anyway, dinner went so-so. Not getting back together at any rate, and he's just as confused as me. In essence the problem is that even though we do love each other deeply we have just grown apart so much and we have so little in common these days, and our lives are increasingly going in different directions. It sucks, but such is life at the end of the day. I just hope that we can remain friends because he is such an amazing person (when he's not being a grumpy bugger).

Ok, I'll shut up now. Had a good day calorie-wise, I'm even well under target but I don't actually want to eat anymore. It's 9pm here and I'm so tired I think I'll just go to bed.

[constance]

[Freja]

Buff and skinny sounds great!

Bloody scales won't fucking move though. I did binge on Monday, and Tuesday wasn't great either, I was feeling sick from the day before and somehow craved more sugar. Excuses... Had between 500 and 600 cals on Weds and yesterday, and today will be pretty much the same, or even lower, I seem to have lost my appetite (yay!).

I'm starting to think I'll never truly get past 50 kilos, except momentarily. My willpower only lasts for a few days at a time these days. Which is ridiculous because I feel so much better, both physically and mentally, when I restrict my food intake. I hate that I get dizzy so easily, but I don't seem to faint the way I did sometimes when I was younger, so it's ok. Probably partly because I choose more nutritious food these days, and spread my calories out to prevent my bloodsugar from spiking and crashing. I feel like I've learnt so much about food, health and nutrition that I could make serious restricting a permanent sustainable lifestyle. But then I go and binge after a few days. And when I binge I feel crap in every possible way. So when will I learn?

[Jennifer]

I know how you feel - I am a total binger and it's shite cos you binge 2 days then spend the rest of the week making up for it!!!!!!! So why why why when we're stuffing our faces do we not think of the consequences?!?! Damn food, damn it damn it damn it!

50kg is like 110lb right? 110 is reeeeaaaaally good. I know it's prob heavier than you'd like but it's still really slim, and quite a healthy weight.
Stay positive and remember how far you've come

Jen x x

[max]

[Freja]

Jen - yea, I don't get why we do it. My scales are on a weekly rollercoaster, up and down, up and down... And yet I've managed to restrict for long periods of time in the past. It's ridiculous, I had much more willpower when I was younger, yet it should be the other way around! And thanks , but...well, yea, 110 is not good enough. I don't know, you'd understand if you saw me...The whole BMI thing is rubbish I reckon.

Max - my ex has been trying to get me to watch 'Into the Wild' for weeks, we actually have it at home. I just never watch tv or dvds... But I might give it a shot. Thanks for cheering me on! And of course you're right, I am the only one who controls this, it is entirely my choice. Don't have a goal weight though, as such. It's pretty much just 'lower'. But anyway, I've done it before so there's no reason why I can't do it again.

The abundance of food really is sickening. I love it and hate it at the same time. Mostly hate it though. And I often feel very guilty, especially when I purge but also when I restrict, or just throw food away, because I'm so lucky to not have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. Maybe I shouldn't turn EDs into an ethical issue, but anyway... I don't think I want to stay away from the supermarket though, I just love looking at stuff. Have to find another hobby I guess...

I've sort of worked out the pattern with the bingeing though... I mean, I kind of know where it comes from originally, but that's not so relevant because I have been able to stop it in the past. The thing is, I don't have much of a social life these days, I'm either at uni, work or at home studying. I virtually never go out, I hardly have any friends where I'm living right now ( ... I'm not fishing for sympathy...). It's all my own fault and it's primarily by choice. But I'm starting to realise how stupid it is because people are wonderful and life is so short... So anyway, I'm ok on the days when I'm at uni or working, but I spend several days a week studying at home and don't talk to a single human being, except a quick hi to my ex (and flatmate) when he gets home. And I get very restless. Not bored, just...I don't know. I sort of get mental fulfilment through my books, but... Basically I just need to get out a bit more. I just don't like social situations. Anyway, Max, I loved what you wrote in your journal about asking your workmates to see a film. That's the sort of thing I should do. I started trying to get out of social situations because of my anxiety disorder, but honestly I think it's counterproductive because the more time I spend alone the more of a basket case I seem to become, lol...

Speaking of books, that's what I should be doing. Just wanted to add though, still doing fine food-wise. Still don't even really feel like eating. Had some frozen mango before and I might have some yoghurt later. I woke up at 4am with hunger cramps but when I finally got up around 7 they'd gone away. Went for a long run this morning, and then I rode my bike to the supermarket (where I only bought fruit and shampoo ), got a flat tyre and had to walk home. Haven't changed a tyre for about ten years I reckon, but I'll work it out... Did some resistance this morning as well, managed one more set of reps than last time so that felt good!

Have a great weekend everyone!

[constance]

Freja...how are things going? Check in with us!

I tried some frozen mango last night...it was awesome!
That is going to be my new treat. I think you are the one who said it kind of tastes like sherbert...and it does! Love it, especially for only 80 calories a cup.

constance