Freja's Journal

[Hopelessly]

Awwww hey don't be so hard on yourself! at the end of the day your journal is the perfect place to vent and for people to lend your support. But i dont think anyone could accuse you of encouraging kids to starve, this is your personal journey, not anyone elses. Anyway us oldies need a nome too

You know i think your paln is really smart. i always find that i can loose weight but i struggle to maintain it. usually i shoot right back up (as you can prob tell). And then i cant help but binge every day of the week, so confining it to the weekend like you do is a great idea cos you get the best of both worlds - restriction and binging - so you dont miss out and you keep your body guessing!

I think you really should be proud of yourself hun and i hope you post again. Good luck with your new course, brains are one thing that are better bigger

[Freja]

Thanks girls . The reason I love this forum so much is because it's the one place I can come and not be judged. Most people I've encountered here are so supportive. Eating disorders are such taboo issues in real life, and I feel ashamed for being like this, it's not exactly the kind of thing you can confide in your friends about. But I don't know any other way of life. But back when I was posting here more frequently I always had this little voice in the back of my head saying 'What the fuck are you doing? Why are you encouraging people to lose weight when they don't need to, and in such an unhealthy way?' But you're right - we're here because we already have these issues and because we can talk to other people in the same boat who understand and don't pass judgement. It still remains a moral dilemma for me though, but like I said, I'm here again so clearly I'm not the saint I wish I was. By the way I also wanna point out that I'm not criticising anyone else for coming on here - these are issues I have with myself and myself only for reasons I will not go in to right now cos I think this post will get way too long anyway.

Anyway...last couple of days have been good, lots of exercise (had to go for a run in the rain yesterday, don't understand what's happened to the winters in northern Europe - there used to be snow! Climate change will kill us all eh?), very strict on food. Since it's Saturday today I'm technically allowed to binge, but I'm getting a little worried since my mum's scales are so unreliable and I can't track my weight properly. Don't wanna come home in a couple of weeks and find that I've put on two or three kilos. Had to cook dinner for my relatives today (someone's birthday), but I had worked out in advance exactly how much I was going to eat and what the calorie content would be. Everything went according to plan. I never have any problems holding back when there are others around, in fact I hate eating in front of other people. But about an hour ago I had half a tub of ice cream. And not even the low fat stuff. I don't know, I just freaked out when I realised that next weekend I'll be visiting a friend so it would be like two weeks before I'd be allowed to binge again. But now I feel crap. Stupid stupid stupid. I didn't even really want the ice cream. I don't even taste the food when I eat like that, it's so fucking pointless.

So - tomorrow is going to be a great day. Will get up early and go for an extra long run. Have to study all day so that should keep my mind off food. I just wanna feel light. It's such a rewarding, happy feeling. Actually, I think I will make myself a promise. I go home at the end of January and I will have no more binges until then. It would be so good to come home and find that I've actually lost weight. I haven't been under the 50-kilo mark for so long I've forgotten what it feels like. It could be like a belated christmas present for myself. Wish me luck...

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

[Freja]

I'm freaking out a little... Always keep meticulous record of my daily calorie intake, down to silly little things such as sugarfree gum (except on binge-days, when I try really hard not to count...). But I don't know what happened today. I've been studying all day, 18th century European philosophy, heavy shit, and I just realised I was so distracted I had a few things to eat today that I forgot to write down, but I can't even remember what it was! Bizarre calorie amnesia - I don't recall that ever happening! And now I'm starving and I wanna have some yoghurt before going to bed so I might be able to get a little bit of sleep (chronic insomniac...), but I don't know where I'm at with my daily intake and it's really scary. This might sound a bit ridiculous, but as soon as I think 'a little bit won't hurt' and stop counting it all goes downhill within minutes and before I know it I'm stuffing my face with chocolate. Which, by the way, I have loads of, courtesy of a friend who thought it would be nice to give me five (!) blocks of my favourite chocolate the other day... I really appreciate her generosity, but what am I to do with it?

Should probably stop rambling now, drink a big glass of water to fill me up and go to bed. I'm even startinng to bore myself, lol...

[Freja]

Went to the doctor the other day because my stomach has been completely fucked for a while. I know it's probably due to my stupid anxiety disorder, but I was hoping to get a prescription for something to settle my stomach. I'd never seen this particular doctor before, and I figured I should be honest with him but when I told him about the anxiety he got completely hung up on that and within five minutes he was pushing for antidepressants. Basically he said that I will not get better without medication. We argued back and forth because I don't want any chemicals messing with my brain since I did a lot of drugs when I was younger and this has been deemed a probable cause of the anxiety and panic attacks in the first place and I really don't want more drugs to try and fix it. And then he started asking me about food and eating and whether I'd lost a lot of weight and if the panic attacks are food related because I look like I don't eat enough. Well they are food related, at least half the time, but I didn't tell him that of course. I said I do try to eat properly but it's hard when I feel sick all the time - trying to bring the conversation back to where I wanted it. But he would only prescribe the antidepressants, plus sleeping pills.

I'm a little pissed off because I think it was unprofessional of him to push these meds on me without a psychiatric evaluation. This particular drug is quite common, millions of prescriptions are written out in the West every year. Basically it's making a very large amount of mony for the world's largest pharmaceutical company, which is enough to get me suspicios. And it's certainly not the first time a doctor has tried to push them on me. I realise he most likely just had my best interest at heart, but if a patient says they don't want drugs and there are other, perhaps even better forms of treatment, which there are, shouldn't he have been more cooperative? His response when I said I don't believe antidepressants are a solution (as in a cure), was that if I had a bacterial infection I would take antibiotics wouldn't I?

Well, it's not the same thing is it? Or am I completely wrong here? Sorry for this rant, I'm just annoyed with the fact that I went in to get something to settle my stomach and I left with not one but two prescriptions for mind-altering meds, which I don't want. Maybe I'm really stupid, it's not that I don't want to get better, of course I do, but he was way too quick to push for these drugs - he doesn't even have any proof that I actually suffer from anxiety apart from my word.

If anyone's got some experience in this area I would love some advice.

I'm also ashamed to admit this, but even though the anxiety does disrupt my life a fair bit and all the physical symptoms are frustrating, I do like the fact that it keeps me from overeating a lot of the time. It really makes restricting a lot easier.

Hmm...maybe I truly am a basket case...

[Hopelessly]

I know i'm not the perfect example of stable mental health but i do have some experience in this area. I cant sleep at night and of course the answer was drugs. i was desperate so i agreed. Went through all sorts of combos of sleeping pills and antidepressants which didnt work or made me feel worse and in the end they ended up giving me this really old fashioned drug but it actually gets me off to sleep. Huzzah, a miracle!!! i was v against drugs at first but im glad i have these ones now cos its nice to actyally drift off for the first time on my hands.

Oh and another thing, i have decided i need to get a bit more proactive and now try unconventional things that the docs would prob never recommend when they can just throw pills at you. going for my first appointment with a hypnotherapist tomorrow, hopefully he will help me get to the bottom of my problems. i'll keep you posted if u want

[Freja]

Thanks hun, yes please let me know how it goes. Glad to hear you finally got something to help you sleep as well. Insomnia sucks.

I'm thinking I might give cognitive behavioural therapy another try. I only went twice, over a year ago. I liked it because it focuses on learning to stop panic attacks basically through rational thinking. But then my therapist wanted to talk about other stuff as well so I stopped going. Anyway, I might go back and just ask her if we can focus on the anxiety only, at least for now. Really, half the time I get panic attacks for fear of getting panic attacks and the other half is mostly food-related. Last time I went I learnt how to stop them when they start. But I would also like to learn how to stop them from starting in the first place so I can get rid of all the annoying symptoms like insomnia, shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, muscle pain etc.

On a different note, going home next week. I've been staying with my mum for about a month and while on the one hand I would love to stay for one more, I desperately miss my food scales, not to mention my lovely digital bathroom scales. Once I get home I'm going to get really strict for a while. I'm itching in my skin at the moment, I need to lose some more weight. And I'm feeling pretty positive about it, very determined.

[Hopelessly]

Yay a PMA is half the battle! i'd say looking into CBT is a good idea, my psych said he's trying to refer me. had my first hypnotherapy session at the weekend, twas interesting, looking forward ro getting in deeper.

[Freja]

Got off the plane a few hours ago. Fuck, I hate these long trips (Europe to Australia). And being a pretty heavy smoker, I always end up snacking loads on the plane since I can't smoke.

Anyway, jetlagged and braindead, but have decided I have to regain control of my life. Properly. Had the worst panic attack I've had in a while the night before I left. I guess I know why, this year will be full of big decisions, such as moving back to Europe. And I have to face up to some issues with my boyfriend. It's been going downhill for ages, but I've just tried to postpone dealing with it because I know it means a massive fight and him not talking to me for days. Anyway, have to stop being a coward and face up to things. I just feel like it may be to late for us.

Just stepped on the scales and I'm 52.2 kilos. That's worse than I feared, but I think some of it is water weight - result of salty food on the plane(s) and scoffing most of the chocolate I bought at the duty free when I got home at 5 am this morning. Yes, I'm a pig.

Stood in front of the mirror for a while and tried to talk some sense into myself. I'm nearly thirty years old. I'm a woman, not a teenager and can't expect to weigh what I did back then. Surely this weight should be acceptable now. A BMI of 19 is perfectly ok for someone my age and I should be happy like this. Life is too short to obsess over the numbers on a set of scales. I just wish there wasn't so much horrible fat on my body.

Well, I'll get there eventually perhaps. But I need to at least get back down to 50 kilos first, where I was before I left. I feel very uncomfortable, uneasy, like this.

Far too jetlagged and dehydrated to even think about going for a run right now, but I'll make a fresh start tomorrow.

[Hopelessly]

Argh cigarettes and boyfriends, honestly i sometimes think they were both put on this earth to drive us mad!!!!!!

I know where you're coming from, sometimes i think im too old for all this weight obsession and that i'm wasting the best years of my life. but then i think i deserve to be happy and if this is what it takes to make me feel better about myself then its got to be worth it. we all deserve happiness!

And now its Feb lets all be about the fresh starts, we can do this and i know you'll get back to 50. but i bet you look fab already

[Freja]

You couldn't be more right about ciggies and boyfriends. I know I've said it before, but I do want to quit. Although ciggarettes are sometimes preferable to boyfriends as they don't have mood swings and get angry with you all the time...

Anyway, feeling great today. Scales this morning said 50.6. I know I can't possibly have lost nearly 2 kilos in about 24 hours, so I figured it must've been water retention yesterday. But I still look a lot fatter. So I kind of panicked a bit and thought maybe the scales were playing up and might need new batteries or something. What if I'm actually 55 kilos and don't know it? Yes I know I'm a bit mental. So I asked my boyfriend to weigh himself and tell me if he thought it was right (he's started weighing himself nearly every day too - I don't like it, but after five years with me something was bound to rub off eventually...). He got shitty with me, but did it anyway. And apparently there's nothing wrong with the scales. Seeing as I look a lot bigger though, I'm thinking 48 might be a better target.

Had a good day yesterday - 40 min run in the morning, 30 min walk to the bus to uni, 30 min bike ride in the evening. 744 cals in total (before exercise).

[Freja]

I think my relationship is falling apart and I have no idea what to do about it. And I don't even know if I want to do something. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over five years. I'm from Europe and he's from Australia and we've spent four of the five years living in Australia. Now, it's not that I don't like it here, but it's been hard to be so far away from family and friends. I've lived abroad on and off for ten years, but never this far away. I find it hard to meet people, I'm not a very social or outgoing person. I also lost my dad very suddenly while we were living over here and it's made me realise even more just how important my family is to me. I'm very close with my mum and my sister and I miss them terribly.

Now, of course it was my choice to come and live here, and I would never in a million years blame my boyfriend for the fact that I've had a hard time settling in, it is entirely my own responsibility. But we decided ages ago that once I finished my Bachelor's degree we would move to a European country for a few years, so that I could be closer to my family (he's got his parents and siblings close by but hardly ever sees them, which frustrates the hell out of me even though I know I have no right to feel that way). I've now been admitted to an MA in the UK which starts in October, so I'll be leaving at the end of this semester. My boyfriend, however, has work commitments which he doesn't want to break, and now wants to stay at least one more year, three at the most.

This is fine with me though, because I don't want him to end up in the situation I have been in for the last four years. I don't want him to leave only to be with me if it means he will desperately miss his work and his friends. So we've decided to do the long-distance thing for a while. But the problem is that for the last few months he's been very grumpy with me all the time, he gets angry with me over nothing, sometimes for days on end. I'm finding myself constantly apologising, not just for things I may have inadvertedly said or done; it feels like I'm having to apologise just for being me. I've recently been home for a few weeks and on the phone he kept saying he missed me so much and couldn't wait for me to get back. But now that I'm here he's all cold with me again and we've hardly spent any time together as he has mostly been out with his friends (which, by the way, I never nag him about so he's got no reason to be angry there). So last night when he got home I asked him again if he really thought we could make a long-distance relationship work since we seem to be growing apart so much already. But he said yes, he wants to be with me forever. And he doesn't even see that there is a problem. I also suggested that I might want to go and live in my own country for a while and would he consider doing that if it is around the time that he will be coming over. But that he does not want to do. I think that is a little unfair since I've just lived in his country for the past four years. Anyway, I won't let that stop me if that's what I decide I want to do.

The thing is, I don't get him. He says he loves me and he can't imagine life without me and he will miss me desparately when I leave and he wants to stay together and evetually move to Europe to be with me etc etc. But at the same time he's making no attempt to fix things right now. We only have a few more months together and he's angry with me all the time and doesn't seem particularly interested in spending time with me. And honestly, I feel like all this is slowly making me fall out of love. I don't want that, but I don't know what to do. When I ask him what's wrong, if he's upset or if I've done something it's like talking to a wall. And men say that us women are complicated!

So sorry for the rant. I'm just going a bit mental with it all, because I do love him, but it's so draining, I just feel exhausted. I'm so sick of saying sorry. I don't want it to end, but right now it feels like when I do move it will be a relief. And I hate feeling like that because I love him and our intention was always to spend the rest of our lives together.

[Hopelessly]

Oh Freja i so so feel your pain right now (you know, you've read my journal ) It's so frustrating when you want so much for something to work but it seems like you're fighting a one-sided battle. just want you to know i'll be here for you if you need me

[Freja]

Thank you so much sweety. I've basically decided today that I will no longer tip-toe around him and constantly go out of my way to please him. I can't fix this relationship by myself - either he wants things to work or he doesn't. And I'm so excited about the degree I'm starting later this year, and about the move and I really want to be able to enjoy all of it. So it comes down to the fact that he's got a few months to show me that he loves me (and not just say it). It would break my heart if we had to split up, but at the same time I can't be in a relationship where I'm constatly being made to feel like a bad person. I mean, I know I'm not always easy to live with, being a bit of a basket case and everything, lol, but I try to keep that side of me from him as much as possible and always try to be positive when we're together.

Will try to talk to him one more time though, properly, just have to wait for the right moment.

By the way, was the same weight this morning so I guess the scales are right. Yay!

[Freja]

When I stepped on the scales this morning my bf made a cruel joke about my weight obsession, and when I told him I didn't find it funny, he started sulking. Probably won't talk to me for the rest of the day now. At least he's gone off to work. Honestly, I don't know what his fucking problem is. And how can he seriously think that I will appreciate a joke about something that's been consuming me all my life, and which I hate. Feels like he doesn't know me at all.

But I won't let him ruin my day. Had a really good workout after he left, being pissed off at someone is a great incentive for exercising harder!

[Hopelessly]

Yay that's a great way to use negativity, so much better than binging! honestly don't think most guys understand how much weight obsession effects us girls. mostly cos they have an easier time staying skinny so they've never been there. just think though, you'll be laughing when he gets a big beer gut in his 30s and you're still thin