Fear

[gonnamakeit76]

Okay, I'm writing this in here and not in my journal cuz my journal is about maintaining ana, not about my COE... So chalk this up to the issues I have with having to recover from COE..

I am so damn scared... I'm scared that I'm gonna do all this fasting and not eating and step on the scale in three weeks and be the same weight. I am scared that I'm stuck like this forever even though when I do what I do best ( fasting) I KNOW I lose weight...

It's those stupid weeks where I can't get a grip that make this journey feel like it's taking forever and it's hopeless. I KNOW that when I do fast and do it over a long period of time, the weight flies off. But then I fall off, get stuck for awhile cuz I can't stop eating normally and I feel like I'm there forever....

i've been stuck around the same weight area for awhile cuz I keep starting and stopping. I go a week, fall off for a week and binge, go back on, get back down, go back up....

Right now, I'm trying to focus on the days leading up to Thanksgiving. I started with 18.5 days to go, I'm at about 16.5 days left. I'm trying to divert every ounce of energy I have into focusing on these 17 (I rounded up) days, I even changed my background on my desktop to reflect the numbers of days I have left to get as far as I can before Thanksgiving. I am NOT weighing, because weighing leads to binges with me. I am SO DAMN SCARED that I'm gonna step on that scale after 18 days of basically no eating and that the scale will have barely moved.

Does anyone else have this?

The only way I can think of to fight this fear is to do it anyway, not weigh, use each day and not screw it up and just see what happens. But waiting for that day, being afraid that each day I'll screw up? It's horrible.

Why are our lives like this? Why did we end up having to be the fat ones?

Ugh...

Just a rant.

[Cyndi]

I step on the scale a few times a day, I find it motivates me to keep going. Eating disorders are not a game but I liken the experience to that of playing a challenging game. If you succeed a lttle you want to keep playing, if you fail completly you dont want to play anymore. But if staying off the scale is whats right for you then do what you feel is right for you and your body. My heart just broke when I read your last statement, why did we end up having to be the fat ones? I totally understand..I feel that way all the time too. I struggle with syntoms of both COE and Ana, this message is after Thanksgiving so I am wondering how t worked out for you?

[gonnamakeit76]

Wow, I haven't checked the COE area for awhile. Well, I totally screwed up November and December. Totally. I didn't gain, which is good cuz normally over the holidays I gain 20 pounds, so technically I guess you could say good. However, if I'd fasted like I'd planned, I would have been many many many pounds thinner.

I took up my quest on the new year. The first four days I spent lowering the amount of food each day, 5th, 6th, 7th days have been awesome, less than 100 calories on the 6th and 7th, ( none on the 5th). Today is the 8th day, and still going strong.

I can't look at my scale that often, I know some people can, I can't. I have taken to weighing myself if I feel like it at night fully clothed. Every other monday afternoon ( which is when I get up, I work a weird shift so I don't get up till 3:30-4:30 on Mondays) is when my official way in days are and when I'll update my tracker for the work I've done over two weeks. I'm one week in, next Monday I'll update my tracker and I'm hoping to remove about 15 pounds from the tracker.

I'm doing my fasting in 4 blocks of two weeks. That way I can focus on the two weeks, and not the 2 months. I'm pretty dedicated to doing a two month run of as little food as possible. Way I figure it, if I don't get my two months done now, I'll have to do it again, I'll keep forcing myself till I get it done. Might as well be now. THat's helping me stay on track. I may be only 8 days in, but it's running a lot more smoothly than before.